A Fairy Tale of New York

by J. P. Donleavy

  How grey

  Is black

  When black

  Is grey

  22

  Cornelius Christian spent the heat wave in Fanny's cool apartment. The city's murders mounting to an all time record. Stabbing the most popular method of killing. A few rapes on rooftops. Kelly the doorman delivering a load of delicatessen goodies said it made you wonder what this century was coming to.

  The word marry closed doors all over my brain. Staring down into Fanny's face. Asking me to join her in riches and walk with her to her grave. As a little girl she had braces on her teeth and scabs on her knees. She never swam in a lake and loved to swim in the ocean.

  One more afternoon missing work and exhausted screwing Fanny, a tropical storm broke. Winds smashing down the street. A restaurant awning floated right by in the air outside the window like a flying machine. Lot of menus say these days your eggs can be styled to choice. Fried on the sidewalk. And sprinkled with rain.

  The sheets of water fell. Flooding down the street. Fire department pumping out cellars. Sewers gurgling, washing away all the butts, dog shit and cigarette packs. A voice begging in this city. Out of eyes full of tears. Went downtown in the lull of the storm and bought a grey seersucker suit. Took the subway to Wall Street to look at the stock exchange. My, it was shirt sleeved and busy. Watched a broker oversee a stalemated minor collision between two taxis. He called upon the drivers to assert mannish instincts. To get out of their cars and fight. And he would be glad to referee.

  Christian went north again on the Interborough Bapid Transit. The subway air fuming. A man sitting with a smile staring at a girl. Then someone vomited on the floor of the train. At the next station, as the doors opened a black gentleman stood shaking a monstrous prick, said who wants to suck my cock. Chap with glasses and a briefcase gasped, and announced, is there a health hazard here. And the old man next to him looked up and said don't ask me a question I don't know nothing.

  Ran as another wave of the storm struck. Some poor blue suited son of a bitch, must have been from Michigan, trying to reach dry land, crossing the street, took a leap and landed up to his watery knees in an excavation hole in the gutter. A taxi driver who saw it threw his head back and laughed and crashed into the back of a bus.

  Doorways crammed with folk. A woman saying to another, there wasn't one thrill in the whole evening. And I thrilled Fanny and she put away all her bonds. Said another checkup she had done on Vine found out he hires ex drum majorettes. And she suggested that maybe when they stagger out of his apartment house they can hardly walk to one of his limozines. And at that remark. My hand stiffened to slap her face.

  Cross this thronged lobby. Everybody in galoshes. In out of the rain. Foot prints and drips and drops and umbrellas turned inside out by the wind. Up on the elevator. Off with my seersucker. On with my ring regalia. Walk in where all is fair and square on the white mat within the crimson ropes. Busting each other in the jaw. As O'Rourke sits, in his tattered robe, feet crossed up on his desk, the afternoon paper open across his knee.

  "Hey what do you know, Cornelius.''

  "Hello."

  "Haven't seen you for a week or two, champ. What've you been doing."

  "Making word formations.''

  ''That's good. For money.''

  "For money."

  "That's good."

  Christian putting on a pair of black leather mits. Strolling up to the punching bag hanging on a little hook from a ball bearing. Giving it a slam and lightly dancing away around the room. As O 'Rourke turns his tousled head back over his shoulder.

  "Hey Cornelius, you think this is a free country.'9

  "Sure."

  "I was talking to my wife last night. You know how you get into these discussions when you can't sleep. This is pretty personal, this question. You don't mind if I ask you a pretty personal question. Now promise you won't laugh if it seems funny to you."

  "I won't laugh."

  "Do you think a girl can get pregnant sitting in a bathtub. You know. By someone taking a bath in the same tub before them. Now take your time. I don't need an answer right away, but I told my wife it can't be done. I said it was impossible. That question needs some thought, think it over. Tell me in a few days. I'll live in ignorance awhile. Hey tell me, Cornelius, you got a girl friend now. You know I sort of feel you might be lonely."

  "Yes."

  ''You mean you got one.''

  "Yes."

  "That's good. Sort of serious question these days, all kidding aside, you need companionship in this city. You take her out and go places."

  "Once in awhile."

  ''Good. You met her around town.''

  ''Used to know her as a kid before I went to Europe."

  "That so. Childhood sweetheart. My wife was my childhood sweetheart. I never got a chance to know anything else. How's the shape."

  "Not bad."

  "You look good. Hey you know you've created some thinking in this place since you've been back. Been interesting. Everytime you go out of here and the Admiral comes in, he says what's with that guy Christian, he wants to know if you got some grudge. He says you should have stayed in Europe. I sort of told him what happened to you. But he says you're a threat to the United States. You think that's true, Cornelius.''

  "Yes."

  "What. You mean I'm in the presence of a criminal. Hey get out of here. But seriously Cornelius. Now you tell me. What do you think about a thing like American girls.''

  Christian stopping, gloves down, flat footed in his tracks as he aims a blow.

  "Whores."

  "Hey you can't say a thing like that."

  "Why not."

  "Because it ain't true. My wife's American. You mean she's a whore. That's what you said to the Admiral, he had a fit. But you know what he says. He says you're right. But he says if he ever gets you in the ring he'll kill you for some of the other things you said. He thinks people like you are an encouragement for the Jews and the Niggers to take over."

  "Good."

  "Hey what do you mean good. And push the Irish out. Who do you think keeps this city honest. Wait till I tell the Admiral. He'll be in in a few minutes. Going to have his nails manicured. You know, the Admiral's a pretty important guy. Controls the whole harbour of New York. Could be useful. This is some harbour. Nice friendly waterfront where they're putting holes in each other's heads. And what's the Admiral doing. He's in here getting his nails manicured. You think men should have their nails manicured, Cornelius. Maybe since you've been away you think we've become all homosexuals in this country. Hey come on Cornelius, you think we 're all homosexuals in this country.''

  "Yes."

  ''Hey you can't say a thing like that."

  "Why not."

  "Well it ain't right. That's why. Now I'll tell you right away if I was homosexual how could I have the ten kids I got, now you figure that out. I don't have time to be a homosexual. You see what I mean. I go home, before I have a chance to sit down, the kids are on top of me driving me crazy. I don't even have time to be sexually normal. That's why I was wondering about this thing in the bath, getting pregnant. Now you're an intelligent guy, Cornelius, you answer me that.''

  ''By the laws of physics, it's possible.''

  "By the laws of what. Hey, don't hand me that laws of physics stuff, can she get pregnant or not. You got to tell me because I'm arguing all night with my wife and I can't get any sleep. She even wakes me up to tell me she knows someone who got pregnant sitting in the bath. I say for Christ's sake shut up, it isn't the iceman or the milkman, o k so she got pregnant sitting in the bath, kid's already got a christening.''

  "It's possible, that's all I can say.''

  "I'm disappointed in you Cornelius. I told my wife if anybody could settle this matter you could. That you knew all about these little bugs and germs. Hey but I hear these English women have no morals at all, what about that. You don't have to marry them. They do it because they like it. Anyway Cornelius you're looking great, s
till got that nice left hook and right cross. Hey, I got a great idea. You know, the Admiral sees himself as one of the fighting greats. He says with his corkscrew punch he's invincible with one of the most powerful punches around. Now listen. You know how you get his goat. You answer him back. He doesn't like it. He's never heard anybody answer him back for years. Now you know what'd be good. We'll fix it up so you have a round or two. What do you say. I'll even tell him you're Jewish but you're called Christian as a disguise. How about it."

  "I 'm masquerading enough as it is."

  "It'll really be funny. You fake it. Let him knock you out. Make the Admiral feel good. Come on, now, what about it. You'll be riding around with the Admiral on his yacht.''

  "I've taken so many beatings recently in various walks of life, I don't think I 'm up to an artificial one.''

  ''Look at it for the laughs.''

  "I am. It's soul destroying."

  O 'Rourke up on his feet. Head cocked, fists displayed. Throwing punches in all directions.

  "You go in there Cornelius like as if you're going to kill him. I'll be referee. A few straight lefts in the mouth, not too hard because you might put him down. Get him around the belly. Make him feel he's taking punishment and has got to pull the fight out of the bag."

  ''Supposing he quits.''

  "He won't quit. Not in front of the manicurist.''

  ''I don't know, I 'm against harmful acts.''

  "What's harmful. You call it harmful rejuvenating the Admiral. He keeps the foreigners out of New York and the blacks up in Harlem. What do you want Cornelius, a blood bath in this city. Why is it there's so much honesty on the waterfront these days, it's the Admiral. You owe it to the country Cornelius."

  "Thanks. You just said they were shooting each other in the head on the waterfront.''

  "But it's honest killing, can't you see the difference, the Admiral keeps it like that. Now watch me. See. A straight left to the Admiral's jaw. Then a right on the belly. Leave yourself open. He throws a counterpunch and you go down. Let him hit you at the end of the round.''

  "I think it's against my principles to make anyone a victim like that"

  "Hey what do you mean, we're all victims. Hey you used to be one of the toughest little fighters I ever saw around here before you went to Europe. What happened. Even today, you come in here looking sad. Has something got you Cornelius."

  "Ok. I'll spar with the Admiral."

  "Great."

  O'Rourke with his laughing eyes, hands on his hips. As he stares out at Christian. This rocky tongue of land. Stuck out at the world with its big tall taste buds bulging with bullion. It might give you a second to stand up on the stage. Take a bow or jump off a building. An audience one minute who knows you. And boos. And the next minute comes another audience fresh from somewhere who say who the hell is that jumping. And claps if you get killed.

  "Hey Cornelius, you know, you've changed. You used to be a wild guy here. Guts enough for an army. Was it those moral values in Europe. That you had to struggle against. You know them English friends you make, always trying to serve you last week's roast beef and the Irish who make believe you're a friend, then try to sell you last year's. All you hear from people coining back is how they got cheated, robbed and gyped. I try to tell them everybody is gyping you, only here they do it right in front of your face."

  Door opening. Admiral entering. In a bundle of white bathrobe. A towel wrapped round his neck. His squeaking new boxing shoes. A frown of black eyebrows. As O 'Rourke throws open his arms in greeting.

  "Hey it's the Admiral. Champion of white man's rights. What this country needs is to make everybody Irish, isn't that right Admiral. Look, Cornelius Christian's here."

  "So I see."

  "What's a matter Admiral, Christian's not a bad guy. He's just gone a little liberal. It was that free thinking Europe did it to him."

  "Don't talk to me about Europe. I 'm a tax payer.''

  ''We 're all tax payers Admiral.''

  "I don't want my tax money supporting people like him, coming in here. Criticising this country."

  "Hey Admiral he only said American women are whores.''

  "And it makes me very sad to agree with him.''

  "Hear that Cornelius. What the Admiral says. You agree on something. Both of you must be right. Coast to coast the country is crawling with whores. Hey wait a minute. What about my wife. You calling my wife a whore. Hey you can't say that. She's a mother of children.''

  "I'm not talking about wives. I'm talking about welfare keeping a bunch of whores on relief in this city, that I pay taxes for."

  Admiral presenting his glove to be laced up by O 'Bourke. As Christian spins round from the big creaking body bag into which he sinks punches.

  "You deserve to pay taxes."

  "Why god damn it, do you pay taxes,''

  "I live in limbo."

  "That's the kind of smart talk they learn these days. I wouldn't mind having you on one of my ships. God damn free thinking, free fornication.''

  "Hey Admiral I'm in command of this sport arena here. Bad language is forbidden.''

  "If I had him just one day on one of my ships."

  "Hey Cornelius has been in the navy Admiral. Can't you see the cut of his jib. Aweigh all anchors. Secure all bulkheads. Off to the beach fighting amphibians, we sail at break of day. To kick the shit out of the god damn ginzos. Forward with the Irish.''

  ''God damn trash.''

  "What do you mean, Admiral, trash. Christian here says the Jews and the Niggers are taking all the seats on the subways. He says we should burn them in oil. Make room for the Irish.''

  ''That's the kind of thing I 'd expect him to say.''

  "Fight him Admiral, fight him. Use this place the way it's supposed to be used. For the manly sport. The art of self defence."

  "I 'm expecting mymanicurist."

  "Christian thinks you're a homosexual Admiral. That you got to have your nails beautiful. Why don't you hit him. Besides you should stop using this place like a beauty parlor."

  "When you stop using it as a place of business I'll start using it for the manly sport.''

  "How am I going to sell my antiques if I don't keep in touch with my store. Got a great thing, I got them drilling holes in the picture frames to make it look like real worms been in the wood. Want to buy an old master, Admiral. Cheap. For the dining room on your yacht.''

  "Forgeries from some back room in the Bronx.''

  ''Genuine, out of real European castles.''

  ''O 'Eourke have you ever even been in an art gallery.''

  "What for. I do all right. I got two recent college graduates. I always say if they got degrees, they get nervous when they steal. Makes them easier to catch.''

  A knock. O'Eourke shouting to come into the den of vipers. At the door a white uniformed girl hesitating. Pushing a trolley with a silver tea pot and tray of manicuring instruments.

  "I 'm looking for Admiral Brown.''

  ''There he is. That powerful brute there.''

  "Shut up O'Rourke. Come in young lady. What's your name."

  "Gertrude. Gertrude Gentle."

  "Just come over here. I'll have some of that tea. You don't mind my calling you Gertrude.''

  "No sir."

  "I'm sick of being called sir, call me anything but sir. Makes me feel I 'm some sort of freak.'' 1 s

  "Hey gee Admiral you 're no freak.''

  "Shut up O'Rourke."

  "Now Admiral none of that, I know what you've got in that teapot."

  "I'm having a lump of sugar in it."

  "Put milk in it."

  "Miss Gentle, tell that man in the tattered robe there, didn't you ask for the Admiral's tea and isn't this what they gave you."

  "Yes sir."

  "See I told you O 'Eourke, tea.''

  "Whiskey. Put milk in it. What about that Cornelius. Isn't this a disgrace. In a temple of athletic achievement. Hey, now Admiral, now why don't you, before you have your nails done, have a litt
le spar around the ring with Cornelius.''

  O'Rourke switching on lights. Thunder rattling windows down the canyon street. Horns honking in the rain. See out there, folk without hats, sodden newspapers over their heads. For a moment in here. Safe and privileged. Washed my arse like Doctor Pedro said. Left Fanny biting her lip. After she blurted, you want to get away from me don't you. And I phoned Charlotte for a date. When you see so many people in the backs of buses in this town, wreathed in mystified smiles. Faces of the dead. All their flavour gone.

  ''Did you hear what I said Admiral. You scared.''

  "Ha ha, thanks for the stimulating suggestion O'Rourke. If you want to invite Mr Christian into the ring with me. All he has to do is accept."

  Christian bashfully bowing his head. Demonstrate cowardice. With a straight gentlemanly refusal.

  ''I think I'd rather not."

  ''Come on now Cornelius, the Admiral promises not to use anything lethal. Remember Admiral, the corkscrew punch is illegal, you understand that. I don't want anybody hurt while I 'm running this gym. Got that Admiral.''

  "It behooves me."

  "Behoove behoove behoove, what do you mean behoove. Big words are banned here. All I want is your solemn promise not to use the corkscrew punch, never mind the behoove business. There now Cornelius, got the Admiral's solemn promise."

  ''I still think I 'd rather not.''

  "Hey come on Cornelius. What more can you ask for than the Admiral's solemn promise not to touch you with the corkscrew. On your boy scout's honor now Admiral, you're not going to use the corkscrew."

  "Don't be preposterous, when have I ever struck a man who couldn't defend himself.''

  "There you are Cornelius. Go in there with the Admiral. You'll get some pointers. Come on, before he gets manicured. The Admiral can make believe you're a Jew, and make believe he's black. And may the best race win.''