So Talk to Me

by Marina Johnson

  ‘Mind if we join you?’ simpers Shana, fluttering her eyelashes.

  ‘’Yeah, we do mind, actually. We’re choosy who we sit with.’ Biro barks at them.

  ‘Okay, no need to be rude.’ Shana sniffs. ‘Come on Stacey, let’s go find some people to sit with who aren’t losers.’ The walk off in their flat ballet pumped, cutesy way. The three of us look at each other and burst out laughing. And it feels so good to laugh.

  I watch as Shana and Stacey find an empty table by the door and sit down, sour expressions on their faces. I suddenly have a feeling of being watched, and I guess that someone has seen the YouTube clip and is connecting the dots. I look around but no one is looking at me, it’s my imagination. Get over yourself, Sparkes, you’re not that famous.

  A figure passing the window catches my eye and I see Adam hurrying across the car park and seeing him reminds me. His mother. What Biro said about his mother not being dead. I need to clear this up with Biro; I open my mouth to ask him and then close it again. Biro’s deep in conversation with Ellie and I don’t want to interrupt them, their eyes are locked on each other and they seem engrossed. Could my two best friends be getting it together?

  I smile to myself and pick up my drink; it’s not important, it’ll keep, I’ll ask him another day.

  Chapter 16

  Josie

  I ’m early again. It’s getting to be a habit.

  Today I’m looking forward to telling Adam about the gig, the drink spiking part is not good but the rest of it is. It’ll be good to have a positive conversation and not be negative all the time. The last couple of days a few people have come up to me and said how great Tourists of Reality are and some even commented on my singing. A few months ago, I’d have thought they were mocking me but now I’m starting to take people at face value. I shouldn’t assume that everyone is like Shana and Stacey. And if they are mocking me, so what? It can only hurt me if I let it.

  I stretch my legs out and settle back into the chair. This office could do with a good dust and you’d think they’d chuck the out of date calendars out. I wouldn’t like to have to work in here for any length of time, it’s so far away from the main part of the college that it feels quite cut off. Adam should complain and demand a better room.

  Listen to me; demand a better room. Slow down Sparkes, who do you think you are? Don’t get carried away with yourself.

  A little cloud floats by and darkens my mood for a moment; I hope we don’t have to talk about Mum again today.

  ‘Hi!’ Adam’s arrived and he breezes in and flings the door shut and then settles himself in the chair, long legs sprawling. I gently bend my knees and pull my legs in and tuck my feet under the chair. Not enough room for both of us to have our legs stretched out. Not without touching. He’s looking a bit flushed, like he’s been running or outside in the cold. He is so handsome. I wish I were older.

  ‘So let’s see where we got to last time.’ Adam rifles through his notebook, frowning. I feel annoyed that he has to refresh his memory, can’t he remember? Get a grip, Sparkes, you’re just another client.

  ‘Ah, yes, here we are. So, do you think it helped talking about your mother in our last session?’ It was too much to hope that we wouldn’t have to talk about Mum again; my mood starts to deflate.

  ‘Yes, I think it did.’ This is a lie; it didn’t help, I just felt disloyal and guilty and I’d rather just forget about it and pretend Mum wasn’t having an affair.

  ‘Good. It’s best to get things out in the open where you can make sense of them. Us humans are very complex. To you your mother was warm, loving and totally loyal but other people would say she was also a liar and a cheat.’

  ‘No she wasn’t!’ I burst out. How dare he speak about her like that!

  Adam puts his hand up. ‘Josie, I’m not saying that. I’m simply saying that other people may perceive her like that from her behaviour. Everyone has their own point of reference. None of us like to think of our parents as not being perfect but they’re only human and everyone makes mistakes.’

  I swallow down my anger and nod. I have to stop this talking about her. Now.

  ‘The gig went really well.’ I try to sound upbeat and I stretch my lips into a fake smile.

  ‘That’s great.’

  ‘Even better than I imagined. Tourists of Reality were brilliant, they’ve been asked back to do another gig.’

  ‘Really? That’s amazing!’

  ‘I know! The guys are over the moon, they deserve it though, they’re so good. I think they’re going to collect quite a following.’

  ‘Fantastic! And you have to take some credit because they couldn’t have done it without you. It must have felt good watching them on stage.’

  ‘It did. Loads of people were on their feet singing along, it was the best night ever.’ Apart from the spiked drink.

  ‘Good.’ Adam smiles that lovely crinkly eyed smile that makes me feel so good and I think why spoil it by telling him about the drink spiking? I know I’m supposed to be honest but it’s done with now, I’m over it, no harm done as Dad says. And, it makes me look like a stupid, immature kid who doesn’t even know what she’s doing.

  ‘Okay?’ Adam is still smiling at me.

  ‘Yes,’ I nod. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Nothing else to tell me?’

  ‘No.’ I say hesitantly.

  ‘You didn’t join in with the band at all?’ He’s outright grinning now and I realise that he knows.

  ‘Sorry,’ he says, running a hand through his hair. ‘That’s not fair of me. I overheard some students talking about a clip on YouTube and I put two and two together and so I had a look.’

  Will he know I was drunk? I think back; it’s a completely different me on YouTube but I don’t look drunk, maybe a bit demented but not drunk.

  ‘Oh?’ What will he think? I suddenly realise that it’s really important to me what Adam thinks.

  ‘I hardly recognised you, you didn’t look one bit like the frightened young girl that walked into this office a few weeks ago.’

  ‘No?’ I can feel myself starting to grin, it’s catching.

  ‘No, you looked like a gutsy, grown up version of her, a confident young woman. You were incredible.’

  I feel myself starting to blush. My God. He called me incredible.

  ‘And you need to learn how to take a compliment because I’m sure you’re going to be getting a lot more of them in the future.’

  Does he mean from him? Of course not, don’t be so dumb.

  I nod my head stupidly and smile and curse myself for being so lame.

  ‘So. How are you getting on with your Dad now?’

  ‘Really well,’ I say, relieved that he’s changed the subject. ‘But we’ve always got on, we never really argue.’

  ‘He’s always supportive?’

  ‘Always.’

  I remember Biro’s comment about Adam’s Mum; he must have remarried a long time ago and I open my mouth to ask him and then close it again. If I say anything, he’ll know that I’ve been talking about him and I don’t think he’d like it if he knew I’d repeated what he told me. I’ll look like a stupid little girl who can’t keep her mouth shut.

  ‘That’s good. What does he think about your rendition of Wonderwall?’

  I start to laugh. I showed Dad the clip last night and he was gobsmacked. Wanted to know how I knew all of the words and I said they must have soaked in to my brain somehow when he used to play his Oasis albums all of the time. He kept replaying the clip and sat watching it, shaking his head and saying, I can’t believe it . He loved it though, said he was going to send it to Auntie Bridget and Uncle Ralph.

  ‘He loved it, he’s an Oasis fan.’

  ‘He’s proud of you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say after a moment as I think about it. ‘I think he is.’ It’s a nice feeling, Dad being proud of me instead of constantly worrying about me.

  ‘He’s right to be proud of you. I’m proud of you, too.’


  I laugh, not knowing what to say.

  ‘I can see I’ll have to be careful in future, now that I’ve seen that little wildcat inside you on the stage.’

  ‘Yes, you’d better watch out.’

  ‘Oh, I will.’ Adam laughs.

  ‘Or who knows what I’ll do.’

  ‘Who knows what else might be hidden underneath that calm exterior?’

  ‘Who knows?’ I raise an eyebrow and try to affect a mysterious expression.

  And then it hits me; we’re flirting.

  I don’t know whether the same thought occurs to Adam because he looks down at his notebook with a smile and ruffles through it and the next minute we’re talking about coping mechanisms for my exams.

  We were though; flirting. Most definitely. I hug the thought to me as we continue with the rest of the session and look forward to reliving it later. Time goes too quickly and before I know it the session’s over and it’s time to leave.

  ‘See you on Friday,’ I say as I gather my bag and stand up.

  ‘Have a good week, Josie.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘And no more balancing on chairs to get a better view.’

  I laugh. ‘I won’t!’

  I come out of the room and practically skip along the corridor, feeling light hearted and happy. Is this how most people my age feel most of the time? Is this how I should feel? I know I have a silly smile on my face but I can’t help it. I didn’t want the session to end, it was so lovely talking to Adam and having normal conversation (well, after I’d managed to shut him up about Mum) and there was definitely some flirting going on – or was I imagining it after all? I’ve never flirted before so I’m not sure. I’m probably just flattering myself but I don’t care, I really like Adam even though I know he’s far too old for me and nothing will ever come of it. It’s not a crush though, I’m not a silly teenager.

  Well, I am a teenager, but I’m definitely not silly. Anyway, I’m not going to analyse it, I’m feeling happier that I’ve felt for a long time and that’s good enough for me. I turn the corner into the assembly hall and weave my way across the room through the rows of chairs facing the stage.

  Hang on though, something Adam said is niggling, but what is it?

  Nothing, says a little voice, you’re just looking for a reason to spoil everything.

  Am I?

  No, I’m not.

  I know what it is. Adam last words to me were no more balancing on chairs , but I never told him about that.

  And it wasn’t on the clip.

  So how did he know?

  I feel a thrill of excitement surge through me.

  Was he there watching me?

  Chapter 17

  Josie

  T here’s a new confidence in the band since the gig; they thought they were good, but now they know it. Biro has taught Danny three basic chords on the guitar and somehow Danny is playing them in the right places, at the right time. He’s overjoyed and I’ve noticed he’s started doing a flamboyant sort of arm wave when he hits the last chord.

  I raided the cupboards at home and have bought along drinks and crisps for a break. I don’t need to be here really because there’s not a lot of managing to do. I help move the tables and chairs out of the way and then move them back at the end and the rest of the time I just sit and watch them. I just love being here though.

  ‘Can’t tempt you Josie?’ Biro holds the microphone out to me. ‘Another rendition of Wonderwall?’

  ‘Definitely not. One night only, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Shame, was something else, you should have been there.’ Biro winks at me to show he’s joking.

  ‘You were great, Josie.’ Danny gives me a smile. ‘You could be our singer you know, you’ve got a better voice than me or Biro.’

  ‘No, I’m happy as manager, thanks.’

  Biro looks a bit annoyed at Danny’s comment and I quickly change the subject.

  ‘Did Jason give you a date for the next gig?’

  ‘Yeah, two weeks tomorrow. We’ve got the best spot too, last on.’

  ‘We need to sort a diary out,’ I say. ‘Because there’s an open band night here in the college in April and a lot of the pubs in town have new band nights, usually on Sunday nights.’

  ‘Cool,’ Biro says. ‘You’ve been busy.’

  I have. I can’t rely on Dad to keep getting gigs for the band and I am supposed to be the manager so I rang around most of the pubs in town. A few of them had heard of Tourists of Reality so there must be some sort of band grapevine.

  ‘They get booked up pretty quickly so we need to be organised.’

  ‘Yes, boss.’ Biro salutes. ‘You should ask your mate to come along.’ He says it casually but he’s not fooling me.

  ‘Ellie?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he says, nonchalantly. ’Unless she’s out with her boyfriend or something.’

  Ellie and I have seen a lot of each other this week, we have a lot of classes together anyway but it’s nice to be friends again. It’s made me realise how much I’ve missed spending time with her. I won’t lose her friendship again, I know that. If we seem to be drifting apart, I’ll say something instead of curling up in my shell and pushing everyone away and feeling sorry for myself.

  ‘I’ll ask her. I don’t know if she’s got a boyfriend.’

  I know she hasn’t; I’m just winding Biro up, which makes a change from him winding me up. Funnily enough I was going to ask if she wanted to come but I thought I’d better check with the band first.

  ‘Is that her with the big hair?’ Mogs peers over at me squinting; he should really wear his glasses because he can’t see a thing without them.

  I laugh. ‘That’s her.’

  Ellie’s hair is big; a gorgeous, bouncy mass of black curls. She hates it of course, is always trying to straighten it and tame it while everyone else is trying to curl theirs and get some volume into it. Except me, my hair is so short it couldn’t be any more low maintenance.

  Biro is studying Mogs with interest. ‘Didn’t know you knew Ellie.’

  Mogs shrug. ‘I don’t.’

  Oh my, Biro’s got it bad.

  ‘Guys!’ I drum roll on the table with my hands. ‘We’re wasting valuable time, get on with rehearsing,’ I say in a stern voice. ‘Before I get my whip out.’

  ✽✽✽

  The rehearsal went really well and Biro and I are waiting in the car park for his Dad, Charlie, to pick us up.

  ‘You seem happier.’ Biro is giving me an appraising look.

  ‘I am. I think talking to Adam is really helping. Weird, really, because I couldn’t see how talking could possibly help but it has.’

  ‘Good.’ Biro stares at me a bit too long and I start to feel uncomfortable.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Then why are you looking at me like that?’ I sound annoyed. I am annoyed.

  ‘You know Adam’s just a counsellor, right?’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Nothing.’ Biro shrugs.

  ‘If you’ve got something to say, just say it.’

  Biro looks at me in surprise. ‘Whoa. Defensive or what.’

  ‘No, I’m not.’

  ‘You are. I’m just saying he’s a counsellor, it’s his job.’

  ‘I know that.’ I punch Biro playfully on the arm. ‘I’m not some stupid kid you know, I haven’t got the hots for him or anything.’

  Biro looks at me for a bit longer then turns away.

  ‘Come on, Pa’s here.’ He picks up his guitar and strides towards Charlie’s battered mini. I have to jog to match his giant steps.

  ‘Hello chick.’

  ‘Hello, Charlie.’ I say as I clamber into the back seat. How brave I am, no more Mr Birowski.

  Biro hands me his guitar and folds himself into the front seat then pushes the seat back as far as possible nearly cutting my legs off in the process. We zoom off before I’ve even had a chance to put my seatbelt on, I try to
juggle the guitar and seatbelt but soon give up; way too much effort.

  ‘Christ, Pa, when you going to get a car I can fit into?’

  ‘There’s always the bus.’

  Biro huffs and looks out of the window.

  ‘Good rehearsal?’ asks Charlie.

  ‘Yeah.’

  What’s the matter with Biro? He’s my best friend but he seems to have a problem with Adam; he’s taken a dislike to him and he’s never even met him. Maybe I’ve been talking about Adam too much. I told him how we laughed about my YouTube fame. Now I think about it, maybe I do talk about him a lot. Is Biro jealous that I’ve got another friend? I didn’t think Biro was like that. I resolve not to talk about Adam anymore, Biro’s probably sick of hearing about him.

  But Biro is wrong.

  Adam is not just my counsellor.

  ✽✽✽

  I let myself in the front door and the smell of the curry we had for tea is still lingering in the air. It was one of Dad’s special currys; basically, anything left in the fridge gets flung in with whatever spices and chillies are available. Tonight’s was pretty fiery; my lips are still tingling.

  The house feels warm and cosy and I’m relieved to be out of Charlie’s mini. Biro can be a right pig sometimes; he moaned like mad when he had to get out of the car so I could get out of the back seat. I said to him, you should have let me sit in the front if it’s such a problem and he said it’s okay for you, you’re practically a midget anyway. I could have hit him, I may be small but even so I was practically scrunched up into a ball on the way home, he must have known.

  I take my coat off and hang it up and for a moment I think that Dad must have gone to bed, it’s so quiet. I look at my watch; he wouldn’t go to bed at a quarter past ten on a Friday night, he always waits for me to come home; says he can’t sleep until he knows I’m safe. I look in the lounge and the lights are on but the TV is off and Skipper is fast asleep, curled up cosily on the sofa. His feet are twitching, he’s chasing dream rabbits.

  And then I hear the murmur of Dad’s voice from upstairs, I stand and listen for a moment. I can’t hear what he’s saying but it’s a one-sided conversation, so he must be on the phone. I breathe a sigh of relief and then wonder what I was so afraid of, where did I think he was? What did I think had happened to him?