Gran floated over to Raine and raised her hand to her head as if she could actually touch Raine. "Oh sweetie. You can't live alone forever and I'm just holding you back. I wasn't ready to leave you before, not until you had someone else. Kian is my last gift to you, the last birthday gift. I won't leave just yet."
A tear ran down Raine's cheek. "I won't ever be ready to say goodbye Gran."
All the wrinkles, every familiar crinkle around her eyes was still there. Raine memorized Gran's face and couldn't imagine never seeing her again. She didn't want to leave her Gran.
"Why do you need to go?"
Gran backed away, the warmth in the air directly around her coming back. "Now child. I won't ever fully leave you. I'll always be in your heart. Besides, wouldn't it be nice to have one less ghost haunting you? Goodness. If word gets out how soft you are, your place might become the next big haunt." Raine chuckled at that. Gran moved again and the cool air chilled against the absent tears slowly trailing down her cheeks.
"That man is waiting for you. Now go. I won’t leave without saying goodbye."
Raine took a deep breath before she pushed the door open. As she stepped out Kian was turned away, his back to her.
The giddy hope within her suppressed the ache Gran left. As she came up behind him she paused as he turned. The playful demeanor of before gone. She watched his shoulders sink.
"So, my mom’s in the hospital."
Her eyes darted around his face. "I'm sorry. Can I help?"
The breath he blew out seemed to go on forever. "Uh. Yeah. Sure. If you want to come with me to hospital, that could help. I, uh. It's been a while since I've seen her. I'm surprised I was contacted at all."
Raine smiled and stood on tiptoes to kiss him. She hesitated when he didn't respond right away. Fear snaked it's way around her body, tightening around her throat as she counted each heartbeat.
Finally he leaned in and kissed her. Slowly the fear uncoiled, but a tightness she didn't want to recognized stayed. Something wasn't right, and maybe it was just her paranoia.
The muscles of his arms burned as he gripped the steering wheel. The bastard had done it. There was no doubt in his mind. Kian knew his dad had put him mom in the hospital, again. God knew why. The man never had a reason.
Raine followed behind in her own car. He didn't even know why she was going. Why had he invited her? He knew why. She might be the only thing to keep his cougar taking control and driving by instinct. He'd nearly killed the man once.
The highway swam in and out of focus as he watched for the next exit. Turning off he kept an eye on Raine's headlights. His skin itched as his cougar struggled to stay put. His anger, his frustration, they threatened to flood every inch of him and drown the rational side of him.
He needed to touch her. He needed the calming scent of Raine. She was all that stood between him and letting instinct control his mind.
The hospital stood like a massive mausoleum towering over the road. No one ever wanted to go to a hospital, especially not for the reason he had to now. Pulling into the visitor parking, he found a spot and killed the engine. His knuckles were white against the dark steering wheel. A knock rapped at his window. Slowly he turned his head, reminding himself that he needed remain calm.
Her brow furrowed and fine lines etched across Raine's face told him all he needed to know. He wasn't holding it together well.
Raine stepped back as he pushed the door open.
"You okay?" The ring of her voice a salve to his open wound.
Kian stood, pausing as he stared down at her. "I. Yeah. I will be."
Her hand slipped into his as they walked side by side. Electric tingles wrapped around his skin at her touch.
Deep breaths.
They both walked up to the front desk getting directions. After passing his mother’s name to the receptionist he nearly choked on the words. Her name dry against his already sandpaper tongue.
"Kian? You okay?"
He nodded. "Yeah. I. She disowned me when I had my dad sent to jail. It's just been a while."
The words, the truth all seemed to have been another reality as he started down a hall barely focused on the signs marking one sterile hall after another.
Raine led him down one hall, up an elevator, and then as they reached a too quiet floor he froze.
"What's wrong?" Raine turned back the five steps she'd taken before noticing he hadn't kept up.
He didn't know if he couldn't move or if he didn't want to. His legs just wouldn't go any further.
"I. Why am I here?"
Raine stepped in front of him. "Your mom, she's here."
He shook his head as the scent of disinfectant stung his nose.
"No. I don't know why I came to see her. She won't want to see me."
The scent of Raine broke through the haze, pulling him back from the edge of darkness of his past, just barely.
"Kian, what’s wrong? Why wouldn't see want to see you? She called you."
He couldn't see Raine though. He couldn't forget some things. The metallic taste of blood on his lips, a memory as his father throwing the first punch, cutting Kian's lip against his teeth. Kian didn't start the fight, but he sure as hell finished it.
"Kian? Your mom. Her room should just be after this nurses station."
Reality sank in again. He couldn't hurt her. "Raine, just go."
Finally he broke out of his own head and peered down at her. Her eyes large, her mouth ajar.
"Excuse me?"
"I'm no good for you. Just go." The words seemed reflexive rather than what he really wanted to say.
Raine moved so fast, he wasn't entirely sure that she was just human. Her hand connected with his bicep and left a sting.
"You're an ass. You don't get to tell me if you are or aren't good for me."
"Raine-"
"No, you don't get to talk. Maybe you should let me make my own choices. Maybe I should get a say in who is good for me," Raine practically yelled.
His body quaked at the anger within him, the pain of losing her, and the frustration that this moment made him no better than his dad. Kian's voice rasped out, "just go."
Her face set, determination plan on her features, she walked forward and placed her hand on his chest. She pushed him over the edge as her lowered voice pummeled the raw edges of his own emotions.
"Maybe you aren't good for me, Kian, but maybe I'm not looking to be saved. Maybe I am good for you."
He felt his beast calm at her touch. His cougar practically curled up and fell asleep. Too bad the man wasn't so easily dissuaded. The moment her hand fell away, the calm disappeared into the eye of his storm.
"This isn't about me. Just go. Please. I don't want you to see her. To see with your own eyes what loving someone like me gets you," Kian choked out each word.
Kian could hear the constant beep of the machines down the halls. So many damn sounds. So many memories of when he was here the last time. The scent drowning. Sickly sour pain and death thick in the air. Too many sounds. Too much. Breathing. How could he breath. He couldn't protect his mom. He couldn't stop a bastard from hurting her and what would stop him from turning out just like his dad.
He backed away from Raine. His vision blurred as his body fought between being human and being animal. Pain didn't mean the same thing as an animal. Life was based on need. He needed that release. He needed to not feel.
Raine came into focus as he fought to control his urges. Panic made him scan for the exit and the look on her face knocked the wind out of him. He prayed she'd lose it and walk away, because at that moment he didn't think he could walk away from her. She needed to know the truth though. There was no saving him. There was no saving his mom. She'd bought into his father and couldn't seem to figure out how to get out.
He wouldn't allow Raine to make the same mistake. He would keep her safe like Kian had tried to keep his mother safe. The difference was he could keep her away from him. He wouldn't chase her. He wouldn't hurt her l
ike his father kept coming back to do.
"Kian. Don't. Don't push me away. I don't understand."
Her eyes glistened behind unshed tears.
"My father did this. He put my mom here."
She took a step forward and he took a step to the side. He couldn't let her back in or he wouldn't make it. He wouldn't be able to ensure she was safe.
"So? That's your father. Not you," she said.
"Raine. Don't you get it?"
"No. I don't. You aren't your father. You wouldn't hurt anyone."
A flash of the guy he'd knocked out a few days okay during a street fight ring entered his mind. He'd barely been able to stop himself from killing the bear-shifter.
"You're wrong. I am exactly like him. Please just go. It was a mistake to bring you here. It was a mistake to ask for Gerri's help. Everything was a mistake."
The color drained from her face at his last words. All emotion gone as her features hardened.
"I was a mistake? That’s all you had to say."
Before he could figure out what to say next she was gone.
Numbing emptiness filled him as he turned towards his mother’s room. As if he passed through a thick fog he rounded her bed. A woman nearly unrecognizable under the bandages was all that greeted him.
"Mom?"
An angry lump on her face tried to move, he could barely make out her eye.
A voice so small, Kian wouldn't have been able to hear it had he not been a shifter.
"Kian? Is that you?"
Autopilot had him responding. "Yes mom, it's me."
Words he never imagined followed.
"Don't blame your father."
He watched as her chest shuddered as if it hurt to breathe.
"Mom, of course I am blaming him. It's not like you did this yourself."
She tried to nod and winced instead.
"No. Well. Yes. He did. You can't blame him though."
Kian got up to leave. He didn't need to hear it all again.
"No. Kian. Wait. Please."
Against his instinct, he sat down. "Fine. What mom? I didn't come here to listen to another defense. He lost that years ago."
"Kian. Try and understand. I wasn't ever meant to be his mate. I love him, do not get me wrong. I loved him a lot, and when I got pregnant he did the right thing and married me. I was never his mate though. I couldn't control his animal side. I couldn't control the instincts and when I tried to, I knew he wasn't ever going to be a docile creature."
Kian studied the bed, then the room. Should he leave? Instead his nervous energy had him pacing. He tried to push the look on Raine's face out, but behind his eyelids her broken smile remained. He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat, the ache making him feel as if he would suffocate.
His mom's words were tiny pins pushed in one by one; the sting getting worse at the reminder that he had found his mate. His true mate and yet he still couldn't let himself have her. The fear he'd hurt her, the fear he'd be his dad, and worse the fear she'd end up broken like his mom.
"Kian. Are you listening to me?"
"I. Yeah. Mom. Sorry," was all he said.
"Kian, who is she?"
He turned his head side to side and saw nothing. "Who is who?"
His mom smiled.
"You didn't walk in here like a bat out of hell. You didn't threaten to kill someone. I didn't even hear any yelling in the halls. Who's the woman who tamed you?"
The room was too small. His body vibrated with the need to escape. Instead, he bit down on his lip, the pain helping focus his restlessness. "There is no she."
His mom's eyes closed and she mumbled. "Yes there is, Kian. You are the way your father should have been. Don't lose her. Whoever she is."
She yawned as a nurse came in. "Sir? Another couple of minutes and then she needs her rest. The pain meds should be kicking in."
Kian looked between the nurse and his mom.
"Yeah. Of course."
"Kian. Before you go, just know you were right."
He couldn't breathe. The air must have slowly been removed from the room. Each word, each sentence she said had him questioning everything he thought he knew. He gasped trying to fill his lungs against the burn. Finally as seconds passed, he finally remembered just how to shove air into his body.
"What?" he uttered.
Her voice, a whisper just above the beeping of machines, and the hum of air, "you were right. Your father is a bastard, but it's only because he never found his true mate. You are a good boy Kian. Don't let her go. She will bring out the best in you. I'm sorry."
He wasn't good. He'd just sent Raine away. He'd just lost the one thing his soul needed. He needed.
His mother’s words should have left him feeling something. Maybe relieved for once? He didn't know. The room suddenly seemed small and suffocating.
He couldn't catch a breath. He'd sent Raine away.
"I. Mom. I'll come back tomorrow. You sleep." Slowly he backed out, his mother already snoring. As he hit the doorjamb, he turned and questioned what to do. His mind spinning at what he had just done. Pausing, he reached for his phone.
He needed out. He needed Raine. He dialed her, praying to catch her before she left.
The phone rang as he took the stairs two by two. He wasn't surprised when it went straight to voice-mail.
Should he just keep calling until she answered? Should he go see her? His body shook with need. He needed to let his cougar out, and what if his mother wasn't right? Deep down he knew she'd been right and he suddenly felt nothing but pity for her. Maybe right now all he wanted was Raine, but he needed to get his head right first.
Running out of the hospital he ran the few blocks to the only place he could control life.
* * *
The familiar burn as a rib cracked kept Kian focused. Kept the pain that could break him from surfacing.
His opponent circled, and Kian mirrored. The guy was hanging by a thread. One more hit and he'd go down like a dried leaf. His knuckles throbbed, but he couldn't stop.
The basement fight reeked of sweat and blood and God only knew what else. He did the dance with the guy across from him. Who would strike first. The guy lunged out, Kian grabbed his head and wrapped his arm around his neck. Seconds passed as the guy flung his arms around making contact with Kian's temple but he didn't have enough sense or enough feeling to release. One, two, and the guy finally passed out. Kian dropped him to the cold concrete and he stumbled off.
His cougar should feel better by now. He should feel fine. His cougar should be working off the need that coursed through him. The issue was, the pain ripping through him wasn't enough. A memory of Raine’s curves flashed before him and he was greeted with a punch to the jaw.
Fucking coward.
He punched back and the guy backed down. He didn't need another fight. It wasn't going to fix anything.
Spitting blood onto the concrete floor, the red mixed with other DNA left by the fighters before him. If anyone ever figured out that whole cloning thing, this floor would be their petri-dish.
As the crowd cheered he stepped out of the throng of people.
Why in the hell wasn't he feeling better? He'd won. That always worked. His cougar seemed to be pacing, growling, growing angrier.
"What do you want me to do? I called her. I already called her like three times."
He didn't expect an actual answer, but his soul was screaming.
The shifter side of him won out. He fought against the shift, but knew this time he wasn't going to win. The animal side of him knew the only thing that would make him complete. The only woman that would be able to tame the anger within him, the storm that came with being who he was.
Blinking, the instinct took over. His massive paws hit the ground running. Just because everyone knew about shifters, didn't mean the animal instincts within him were okay with it all. He hid behind the shadows as he ran a now familiar path to her apartment.
She was the only damn woman
who could soothe both his cougar as well as the man. He needed her, too bad he needed his mom to finally admit the truth. Deep down he'd known he wasn't his father, but until the words finally came from the first woman to break him, he wouldn't let himself be happy.
Finally, now it was time to be happy. If he hadn't already ruined things. Instincts said she would be at home and that is where he headed.
He'd told her to leave. The ripping ache encircling her chest said that her heart had understood every word. Her head though. Raine circled back to the hospital. She'd walked the sidewalk without thought. She didn't want to go home. She didn't want to be alone, yet here she was, alone. Gran hadn't shown up, and Raine for once saw what life would be without her.
"What does it even matter if I end up alone," she whispered.
Raine knew alone was fine. She was stronger for it. She hadn't minded it, until she'd ran into a six-foot something mountain with crappy pick up lines, eyes that flashed gold, and a smile that could melt her panties right off.
She hugged herself as memories flooded her brain. The heat of his touch trailing down her body. She touched her lips remembering the burn of each kiss. She heaved in air as the pain threatened to suffocate her. These feelings were why she stayed single. Single meant she couldn't hurt like this.
"Gran? Why? Why would you do this to me? I was perfectly fine."
Sirens filled the stillness around her. Looking up, she tried to focus on where exactly she'd stopped.
Tall buildings loomed above. Lights reflecting off of dark windows, laughing at her.
Love was for everyone except her. She didn't need it. She had her career. She had her students. And for now she had Gran.
Her voice chocked as she yelled out again, "Gran? Where are you when I need you?"
Her head fell. Watching as her feet found a rhythm she headed for the hospital to get her car.
Each step pulled her closer to the place her heart had officially been ripped out.
Raine ignored the cool trickle down her face. She'd finally realized that he was everything her soul had needed, and yet he'd just taken the flame and doused it with ice water.
When It Raines, He Purrs (Move Over Fate Book 2; Paranormal Dating Agency) Page 8
