by Alexia Purdy
Gideon leaned forward, cupping my face as our foreheads touched. My heart raced as his lips pressed against mine. I closed my eyes, the heat of his body warming the frost of my regret.
“Star-girl, you were worth everything.”
Chapter Eighteen
Star
Gideon and I were glued to one another until he received new orders from the general of the rebellion. I hated the fact he had to leave but he promised he would return the moment he was able. Knowing separations were a sore subject for me, he asked for me to show him the totem he’d given me at Farlan’s mansion. I produced it for him only to have him press it back into my hands.
“Keep my totem with you. As long as you have it, I am with you, always. I will always come back for you, Star-girl.”
He kissed me and left our oasis in the cliffs, high above the Glass Sky City. I sat quietly for what felt like hours but was probably only minutes. Clutching the totem to my chest, I closed my eyes. I wasn’t going to cry. I was done with tears. Instead, I slipped it over my head and let it dangle on my neck. It tapped against the red crystal Megan had given me the first day we’d met. It was cold comfort to have just the pendants to represent my best friend and the one who now owned my heart, but somehow, for that moment, it was enough.
The lead mechanic put me immediately to work the moment I returned. Everyone kept their respectful distances, averting their eyes as they passed me by in the halls. I guess I radiated antisocial energy because I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Besides Gideon, I didn’t have any friends in the city now that Fran and Gigi were gone. My imprisonment had changed me in so many ways. Avoiding people was easy for me.
“Star!” Janis jogged up to me, red in the face but smiling. Her shiny blonde hair was styled in an over-teased bun sitting atop of her head. “I made you some lemon and raspberry bars! I grew the fruit in the garden myself. Thank you so much for fixing my grow lights. The power supply was so unreliable until you fixed it.”
Her presence was hard to ignore, especially when she blocked my path with her entire body. She was wearing a set of pink dyed worker clothes. It was the same outfit I wore, but she’d somehow colored it, probably with some flower or berry from the garden. I stopped, throwing her a forced smile.
“Hello, Janis,” I muttered. “No offense, but I’ve got to run. Lots of work to do today.”
She shoved a covered, foil-lined tray into my hands. “No problem at all. You need to try these though. Heavenly!”
My fingers curled around the tray, afraid to reject it. “Um… thank you.”
“Oh, you’re so welcome, dear. Everyone has been enjoying the garden. The fruits of our labor have been blossoming abundantly. All thanks to you. Thank you so much for fixing the power source for the grow lights.” Janis’s chuckles were hard to ignore. In fact, it was hard to not join in her joyful demeanor.
“I’m glad to hear that,” I managed to choke out.
“Listen, dear. I was wondering if you wanted to join us in the third corridor. We’re like family down there, and there’s an extra private room sitting empty if you want it.”
“Oh, no. That’s okay. I’m pretty well set up already.”
“There in that cave way up high? Oh, no, no, no, my dear. It’s so dangerous and lonely! I worry about you, all by yourself.”
“I’m not by myself. Gideon’s there with me now.”
“Ah, yes. Gideon is a good boy. So dedicated to his work. All right, but the offer stands if you ever want to take it. It’s a single room with a nice queen bed, its own private shower, and a closet. You just say the word, and it’s all yours, dear. You’re welcome any time.” Janis winked. Her blue eyes sparkled, and her blonde hair bounced with fluffy curls falling out of the bun. She shoved them away from her face, flustered but poised at the same time. Unlike myself, she radiated positivity. I envied her.
“Thank you, Janis. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“You take care of yourself now.” She bounced down the hall, humming to herself as though she’d accomplished the biggest mission ever. I couldn’t help but chuckle. She didn’t even know me and said she was concerned about me. It was something, right? So why did I still feel hollow inside?
My distrust of people crept into my thoughts. My parents’ betrayal was at the heart of it. I couldn’t forget how they’d traded me to Farlan, no matter how hard I tried. Knowing my father had set Gideon on a path to be able to save me if something happened to me dampened those past hurts. I loved my parents and knew they had their reasons. In time, I knew the pain would diminish.
I kept my head down and hurried past the other workers, all heading to different parts of the underground city. Clutching the tray, I wondered if I even wanted a taste of the fruit bars. Everything seemed flavorless lately. Nothing had gone very well. Fighting with Gigi, feeling more and more isolated the longer I stayed, and now with Gideon leaving… I felt like I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It wasn’t just those things making my appetite dwindle and my mood sour. It was the fact that Clyde was returning to the Glass Sky City for a debriefing that very day.
Did I want to see him? I didn’t know. I hadn’t seen him since he’d stabbed me with a needle full of sedative. My stomach twisted into knots at the thought that he could be in the city already. Was it too much to hope we wouldn’t run across each other?
I pondered hiding in my cavern until Clyde’s party was sure to leave, but I didn’t think he’d be gone in just one day. Gideon had said the meetings, debriefings, and reassignments usually took longer than they should due to soldiers wanting to catch up with their friends, who they rarely saw while on different posts. I didn’t want to catch up with anyone. There was nothing I had to say, especially to Clyde. He’d betrayed me. That was all I needed to know. Nothing he could say could change the way I felt.
I rushed to one of the smaller machinist shops where I laid the plate down on the nearest table before grabbing my jumpsuit to change into and my tool bag. This particular space was assigned to me and one other mechanic. It was nice to have my own place to work.
“What’d you bring?”
Tannen, the other mechanic sharing the space, jumped up from his workbench and eyed the foil tray with interest. He hovered over me, several inches taller and eager to see what I had brought. His gray-brown eyes widened as I peeled back the aluminum. I almost laughed as he licked his lips, drooling at the desserts. He rubbed his hands together, his poor skin dry and chapped from the abuse of working with tools. His face was far more taken care of. Cleanly shaven, it showed off his smooth, mocha skin. He kept his hair short and tidy. His white teeth flashed as he grinned sheepishly at me. His radar for food was pretty impressive.
“Fruit bars. Courtesy of Janis. Go ahead, dig in. I’m not hungry.”
As Tannen eagerly reached for the tray, I walked toward the restroom reserved for me since I was the only female mechanic. The others used the other bathroom designated for the men, which defaulted to being Tannen’s. Dropping my bag at my feet, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I looked different than I had at the coupling ball. Thinner… paler from the lack of sun… but I also looked far more homely, lacking makeup and fancy dresses. It didn’t help that my appetite hadn’t returned since my imprisonment, except when I was with Gideon. I liked working a lot too. It kept my headspace busy and occupied.
I shook off the gloom and changed into my work jumpsuit. It was welding day. Welding was always mind-numbing work, which suited me at that moment, but it was also pretty dirty work too. As I finished slipping on my work boots, there was a knock on the door.
“Yes?” I answered.
“There’s someone here to see you.” Tannen’s voice came through muffled, as though he had a mouthful of food. He’d hit up the fruit bars with gusto. At least someone was getting some enjoyment out of Janis’s treats.
I straightened, pinching my eyebrows together. “Do you know who it is?”
“No, but he
says he needs to speak with you urgently.”
Of course, he didn’t ask who it was.
“All right, I’ll be right there.” I cursed under my breath. I was hoping to get right to work, but it didn’t look like it was going to happen. Hooking the last lace on my boot, I grabbed my tool bag and headed out. I turned to shut the door behind me and almost ran into no one other than Clyde.
Chapter Nineteen
Star
“Clyde,” I gasped, dropping my tool bag at my feet. I was too surprised to be angry, but that didn’t change anything. I eyed him up and down, taking in his entire figure before I narrowed my gaze onto his.
“Hello, Star,” he said, his voice clear and steady, as though he’d recited every word he was going to say. For a moment, I couldn’t even respond. I hadn’t expected him to be in my space like this. My chest burned as I coaxed my lungs to work again, taking shallow breaths and attempting to come back to myself.
He looked good. His clothes were meticulously pressed, and his hair was combed back to perfection. He was cleaned up nicely, seemingly unaffected by anything he’d gone through since I’d last seen him. I wondered how he could look so pristine and seem so nonchalant about things when I was barely holding it together.
A pinch of fear settled hard in my stomach. I suddenly felt self-conscious about my ragged appearance. I hadn’t worn makeup since I’d left Farlan’s mansion, and my work clothes were a far cry from the gorgeous gowns I’d worn there. Clyde’s presence felt too immaculate, as though the shop would contaminate him if he weren’t careful. I crossed my arms and tried not to feel so haggard and underdressed.
“W—what are you doing here?” I stumbled over my words, clearing my throat to cover the fact that he’d caught me off guard. I wanted to kick myself for being so unprepared.
“I had a debriefing with General Yu. He wanted an update on my progress with Farlan.” His eyes took me in, observing my work uniform with interest. How could he act like nothing had happened between us? Like he’d never betrayed me?
“Oh,” I mumbled. I didn’t know what to say. All the times I’d imagined telling him off for throwing me back into prison and getting me caught vanished from my mind, replaced by a fog. I had grievances with him but couldn’t think of any of the words I needed.
“Seems you’ve settled in pretty well.” He flicked his eyes around the shop, barely skimming over things before landing back on me.
“What do you want?” I muttered just loudly enough for him to hear me.
“Listen, Star… I know you weren’t expecting to see me, and I can tell that you’re in the middle of something, but I had to stop by and see you.”
“Well, you’ve seen me. Now you can go on with your life,” I snapped. I wanted to smash my knuckles into his jaw but restrained the urge by clenching my fists.
“Star, please.” He stepped closer, reaching for me, but I jerked away.
“Don’t touch me,” I snarled, throwing him a hateful look. “You have no right to touch me.”
He let his arm drop to his side, a look of devastated defeat on his face.
“Star, I wanted to tell you that everything I did at Farlan’s mansion, I did for the rebellion and to save you. I never meant to hurt you. I was trying to save y—”
“You didn’t save me.” I couldn’t believe he was even trying to explain himself. “You… you drugged me so I could be thrown back into Farlan’s demented prison!”
“I was only trying to stop them from hurting you.”
“Oh, yeah? So you hurt me instead?”
He exhaled, closing his eyes for a moment as he gathered his thoughts. His delicate front crumbled. Exhaustion and weariness bled through the previously unwavering mask. There was a time I would have asked him if he was all right, if he was safe, or if he’d eaten. Now I couldn’t stand the sight of him.
Sensing my disdain, he shook his head in desperation. “They would’ve killed you, Star. I had to do something.”
“I would rather you had done nothing. You left me there to rot as Farlan’s trophy. Do you know what Farlan would’ve done when he tired of me?”
Clyde’s face darkened. “No.”
“Of course you don’t know,” I scoffed. “Some spy.” I was done with our conversation.
To his credit, Clyde flinched at my bitter words. “Gigi helped you escape, didn’t she? I only sedated you to get you away from the guards. She told me she didn’t want you to be hurt.”
I laughed, shaking my head back and forth. Unbelievable. Now he wanted to take credit for getting me out of Farlan’s mansion when he’d had nothing to do with it.
“Gigi didn’t get me out. Gideon did.”
“Did you say Gideon?”
“Yes. You know… Commander Everlee. He got me out of there at the risk of exposure and desertion. He’s the only one who’s ever helped me. He risked everything to get me out of there, no thanks to you.”
Clyde’s face turned grim. “Commander Everlee got you out?”
“Yes. And I think he got Gigi out, too.”
He stepped back, looking somewhat disgusted at this news. “I see. That explains a lot.” He genuinely looked astounded. “Listen, Star… whatever you do, do not trust him. He’s not who you think he is. Everlee—”
“Gideon.”
Clyde frowned, flustered by my interruption. I smirked. I was glad I wasn’t the only one out of sorts. Served him right.
“Commander Everlee. His name is Gideon. You’re not listening.”
“Well, Gideon isn’t who he says he is,” Clyde sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Be careful. I wouldn’t believe a word he tells you. Unless he’s already told you—”
“What? That he worked for my father? Yes, I know.”
Clyde opened his mouth to interrupt, but I ignored him.
“And besides, who should I believe? You?” I chortled. “I trust him far more than I’ll ever trust you ever again. You betrayed me. You ruined my chance to escape Farlan’s prison by myself, and you assaulted me. How dare you? How dare you come here to try and smooth things over? You had no right to do that to me. I thought you were on my side. I thought… I thought you loved me.”
Tears stung behind my eyes, and a sob escaped my throat.
“I do love you, Star. You’re the only one I love. Please.” He reached for me again, but I stepped back, wiping madly at my face. I threw him the most hateful glare filled with all the spite I could muster.
“I hate you, Clyde. I hate you!”
Clyde winced as though I had stabbed him. At least he had the decency to look crushed as his shoulders slumped in defeat. Studying me with his stormy blue eyes, he looked desperate and forlorn. He watched me, his eyes shiny under the harsh overhead lights. What was he seeing? Loathing? Hate? Disgust? What had he hoped to find?
After several moments, he looked away, staring hard at the ground as though willing it to open up and swallow him whole.
“I see,” he said, sounding resolute. “I’m terribly sorry, Star. I never meant for any of this to happen. I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you or make you think I betrayed you. If I knew my actions would ruin us, I… I still wouldn’t change a thing. I’d do whatever it took to keep you alive. I just wanted you safe and sound.”
“I’m pretty darn safe now, but not because of you or your actions.”
I exhaled slowly, trying to calm my shaking voice. “Just go away. I have a lot of work to do.”
He didn’t budge as his eyes begged me for another chance. No matter how pathetic he looked, or how much he begged or promised me, I couldn’t forgive him. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to look at him in the same light again. If I could forgive him one day, it would take a miracle to find it in me.
“Star, please,” he begged.
“Leave.” I waited, but he didn’t move. “Go!”
Tannen peered out from behind a motor, taking off his welding helmet before calling out, “Everything okay over there, Star?”
“I don’t know. Is it all okay, Clyde?” I snapped.
He straightened, placing a hat he’d kept tucked under an arm back onto his head. His mouth tightened, a sad gloom dulling the light in his eyes. He took me in one more time before he nodded.
“Of course, Star. Everything is fine. I’ll see you around.”
“No, you won’t,” I answered. My eyes burned, and I blinked at the tension tugging at them. Hot fluid slid down my cheeks, and I realized I was crying, but I didn’t dare show weakness by wiping my tears away.
“I hope you can forgive me one day.”
He spun on his heel and headed out of the workshop. I kept my eyes on him as the tears continued to drip off my chin. It wasn’t until he’d disappeared down the hall that I wiped at my face with the sleeve of my shirt. I was a mess; my nose was running, and my face burned from the anger piling up inside me.
“You okay, Star?” Tannen asked from behind me. I didn’t dare turn around for him to see what a wreck I’d become. I wiped at my nose and straightened, smoothing down my hair behind my ear.
“Yeah. I’m fine.” I cleared my throat. “Let’s get back to work.”
We remained rooted for a few moments until I heard Tannen shuffle away, returning to his corner of the workshop to finish a project. I didn’t move for several more minutes, long after Clyde was gone. If I had, I would’ve shattered into a million pieces, and I didn’t think I had enough strength inside to glue myself back together again.
Chapter Twenty
Clyde
I threw my coat and hat onto the bed with enough force that the bedside lamp rolled off the nightstand and thumped onto the floor with a loud crash. I scooped it up and found a large crack marring the concrete base, but it continued to work. Placing it on the stand, I sat on the edge of my bed, leaning on my knees and holding my head in my hands, shaking it back and forth and muttering obscenities under my breath.
