Big Witch Energy

by Kelly Jamieson

  “Good so far! I’m figuring things out and making plans.”

  “That’s wonderful.”

  We move into the den for chitchat and predinner snacks. I’ve already tossed back my wine, and I try out my wine witchery with a twirling finger over my glass. Bam! More wine. Beautiful. This should help my nerves.

  The topic of the board meeting comes up. Felise and Magan have told Joe and Cassie everything, so I don’t have to say much other than how grateful I was for all the support. There haven’t been any rumors erupting from the board members, which I guess is a good thing, but who knows?

  When Trace arrives, my heart leaps and lurches into an unsteady rhythm. I swipe my palms over my dress, my muscles quivering and twitching.

  He walks into the den, and his eyes meet mine immediately. The crease between his eyebrows deepens, and his eyes hold questions.

  I attempt a weak smile. “Hi.”

  He doesn’t smile back. “Hi.”

  With the whole family around us, it’s easy to keep my distance from him. During dinner, I poke at my food and pretend to eat while my stomach tosses. I gulp down water for my dry mouth. I wait until we’re all finished eating to gather my nerve and make my speech.

  “I have something I need to talk to you all about.”

  They all give me blank looks except Trace, who frowns.

  “Yesterday after the meeting, I learned that Z-Ziggy Cox threatened to remove Trace’s powers because of the things I did.”

  My gaze moves from person to person. Felise covers her eyes with her hand. Magan makes a “yikes” face. Joe’s mouth drops open, and Cassie lowers her chin, blinking. Trace narrows his eyes.

  “How did you find that out?” he growls.

  I wave a hand. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “I told her.” Felise speaks up. “You don’t need to protect me, Romy.” She turns to Trace. “Don’t be pissed. It’s the truth.”

  “Good goddess,” Cassie murmurs.

  “I can’t believe that.” Joe frowns.

  I swallow. “I feel terrible about it. I caused problems for all of you and especially for Trace with the Board of Elders. That’s the last thing I ever wanted to happen.”

  “We know that, honey,” Cassie says.

  “It made me realize I’m not cut out to be a witch. I k-keep messing up.” I fight to control my shaky voice.

  “Romy, you’re not cut out to be a witch… you are a witch.” Joe’s frown deepens.

  I forge onward. “I gave this a lot of thought. I’m not going to take my WED exam. So I don’t need to study anymore and I don’t need a tutor.”

  They all gape. Then noise erupts as they bombard me with protests.

  “What?”

  “You can’t quit!”

  “Why? That’s insane!”

  “Don’t do this!”

  “I’m sorry.” I speak above them. “I know I’ve disappointed you. I think this is for the best. For everyone.” I try not to look at Trace, but I can feel his displeasure radiating across the room in scary waves.

  “But you won’t have powers if you don’t do that!” Felise cries, hands clasped in front of her.

  “I know. It’s better that way.”

  “If you don’t do it, you’ll lose your powers forever,” Joe reminds me.

  “Yes. It’s okay.” I fix a smile in place. “I lived my whole life without them. It’ll be fine.”

  “Are you sure you’ve thought this through?” Cassie asks.

  “I’m sure.” I suck on my trembling bottom lip, then stand. I wobble a bit. Oops. All that wine. “I should go home now.”

  “You can’t drive,” Cassie murmurs.

  “I’ll take her home.” Trace’s words cut through the tension. He stands too, his eyes cold and hard, his jaw set.

  “Thank you, Trace,” Cassie says.

  I want to argue, but I know I can’t drive. “That teleporting would come in handy now,” I say. “I’m sad I’ll never get to do that. Oh well. I’ll get my car tomorrow.”

  “Your car will be at your place tomorrow,” Joe says.

  Cassie speeds over to me and wraps me in a hug. “Are you okay?” she whispers.

  “I’m fine.”

  “I’m here for you. I’m not your mom, but I’m a mom and I love you and you can talk to me about anything.”

  My heart squeezes. “Thank you. I love you too.”

  Felise is next. “Have you really thought about this?”

  “Yes. I have.”

  She looks like she’s going to cry.

  “This sucks,” Magan says, also clearly disturbed.

  “It’s fine. I love you both.”

  “Love you too.”

  Then Joe hugs me. “We need to talk more.”

  “I’ve made my decision.” I lift my chin.

  “Please. Don’t do anything until we talk.”

  I nod reluctantly. “There’s nothing to do, really.”

  Trace and I walk out to his truck. I clutch my purse tightly and slide into the passenger seat. When we both have our seat belts on, Trace says, “Hold on.”

  I open my mouth to ask why, but before I can, I’m floating through darkness. And then Trace’s car is parked on the street in front of my building.

  “You can do it with a car?” I ask, eyes wide.

  “Sure.”

  “Wow. I had no idea.”

  “Romy. What the fuck is going on?”

  23

  Trace

  It didn’t take long for word to get around about Romy’s second meeting with the Board of Elders. Apparently she kicked ass, and not only that, she didn’t do it alone. She had the support of about five hundred women (I think that’s exaggerated) who showed up to support her. Those old dudes were apparently impressed with Romy’s speech but also floored by all the women with her.

  I’m so fucking proud of her. It ballooned in my chest, making me smile the rest of the day.

  Until she started blowing me off.

  Was I worried about repercussions from her speech? Sure, a little. But we’ll deal with them.

  Together.

  We’re a team. We’ve been working together on this for so long. I’ve never had this feeling with a woman before—a feeling of being a part of something bigger than just myself.

  I couldn’t wait to see her, but when she finally texted me, she was too tired and drunk, apparently. I was happy at first; good for her for celebrating a bit. I bet Felise and Magan had something to do with that.

  It’s been a rush seeing those three sisters come together, finding commonalities, finding love. And seeing Joe and Cassie’s happiness at that is also touching. I won’t do anything to damage that.

  But she told me not to come Saturday for tutoring because she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t answer my calls. Then she told me she’d see me at Joe and Cassie’s.

  My instincts were standing up and waving red flags.

  Now I know why.

  And I’m pissed.

  “I’m coming in,” I tell her, my tone making it clear that’s not up for discussion.

  She sighs. “Of course. We need to talk.”

  My teeth grind together as I follow her into the building and then her condo. She sets down her purse, tosses her coat over the back of a chair, and sits on her couch.

  I sit too. “Okay, once again—what the fuck is going on?”

  “I told you.” She lifts her stubborn, pointy little chin and meets my eyes. Emotion swirls in her eyes, and her mouth trembles faintly.

  “That was all bullshit.”

  “It wasn’t!” She glares.

  “Tell me about yesterday.”

  She recounts mostly what I’ve heard, the support she had from other women and that she felt good after.

  “I’m proud of you, Romy,” I say quietly.

  She blinks rapidly, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. “Thank you. I felt proud too. But then…” She stops. “They told me that Ziggy threatened to take away
your powers.”

  “How the hell did they know that?” I rumble, rubbing my forehead with my fingertips.

  She doesn’t answer. “You didn’t tell me that.”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it would have made you feel worse! And it’s not going to happen.”

  “You should have told me!”

  “I didn’t want to upset you!”

  “Well, I am upset!” Color rises in her face.

  “It’s okay.” I try for a calmer tone, even though adrenaline is flowing through me, making my muscles twitch, making me hot. “It’s. Not. Going. To. Happen.”

  “How can you be sure of that? As if it wasn’t bad enough, I went back and had another meeting with them not knowing that! I could have made things worse for you!”

  “Well, you didn’t!”

  “We don’t know that yet.” She slumps back on the couch. “I can’t believe I’ve been so selfish. Putting so much at risk for you.”

  Anger simmers in my belly, hot and turbulent. Heat slides through my veins.

  “I know you didn’t want to get involved with me because of the whole family situation.” She waves a hand. “Because you don’t do relationships. But we did it anyway. I know how important family and home is to you. And your job. Joe and Cassie. And then for me to be so thoughtless and mess up in my interview, knowing that you’d be impacted because of tutoring me…” Her outpouring of words comes to a halt. “I’m so sorry.”

  And I lose it. “You don’t have to fucking apologize! I told you, I support you on everything you’re standing up for.”

  “You don’t have to swear at me! You’ve been swearing since we got here!”

  I close my eyes, struggling for control. “I’m sorry. I’m… upset.” Inwardly I snort at my understatement.

  “I see that.” Her mouth twists. “What are you upset about? We both know we shouldn’t be together. We can’t be together!”

  “What are you saying?” A rock sits in my gut.

  “We need to end this. Before the family finds out. Felise and Magan already suspect something because I was so upset the other day when they told me that.”

  I stare at her. She’s not saying anything I haven’t thought. Or said. Repeatedly.

  So why do I feel like someone’s twisting a knife in my chest?

  “Don’t worry, I won’t be like your other women. I won’t hate you. When we’re around the family, we’ll just pretend nothing ever happened.”

  “What the…?” I stop myself before another curse word leaves my lips. “You want to end things? Fine.” I jump to my feet, turn and stride out.

  I don’t drive home because that would be stupid. But when my car is sitting behind my house, I don’t get out. I stay there, leaning back into the seat, eyes closed.

  Hilarious. It turned out to be her decision to end things. And my head is telling me that her reasons are valid. We’ve already talked about the family complications. And yeah, she did cause problems for me with the Board of Elders. Not that I give a shit.

  Or… maybe I do. I’m still holding on to a thread of hope that there’s a way to get my family back. I did find that ancient grimoire that talks about a Vita Nova portal. That might convince them. If I stay on their good side.

  Fuck. Pain slices through my gut.

  Romy’s right. This is for the best. I always knew it would end up like this.

  I just didn’t know it would hurt so fucking much.

  * * *

  ROMY

  * * *

  Joe arrives early in the morning with my car. He studies my face, frowning. “You, uh… don’t look so good.”

  “I know.” I rub my gritty eyes. “I didn’t sleep much last night.” I feel like something a wild animal chewed up and spit out over a cliff. “I’ll feel better after my coffee.” I hold up my mug. “Would you like a cup?”

  “Sure.”

  I move into the kitchen to brew a cup for him. “I’m sorry you had to bring my car back. I was nervous last night, and I conjured a few too many glasses of wine.”

  Standing at my counter, his lips twitch. “On the bright side, you’ve got that down.”

  “True.”

  A few minutes later we both sit on my couch with our coffees.

  “Why are you doing this?” he asks quietly. “Giving up your powers?”

  “I’m never going to be any good.” I pluck at the furry pink cushion. “I wanted to fit in with my new family. I always wanted family, and then I got what I wanted, but you all are so different… so amazing. I’ve worked so hard, and I still don’t fit in.”

  “That’s not true.”

  I barrel on. “And like I said yesterday, I’ve caused too many problems for all of you.”

  Joe sighs. “I’m not trying to change your mind about giving up your powers. And I know you said you’ve thought this through. But I think it’s time for you to do some shadow work.”

  I’ve heard this term, but it’s not something Trace and I have covered. “Okay?”

  “It’s a way to dive into your unconscious mind and uncover tendencies and fixations. We all repress our shadow selves in different ways. This is a process to explore those things. The wounds that you’re repressing.”

  “I’m repressing wounds?”

  “We all are, in some way. Our shadow self is the key to the ideal of being a balanced witch. A witch who acknowledges who he or she is fully and embraces it, accepting the good and bad parts.”

  “I have a lot of bad parts,” I mutter.

  “No, you don’t, and you need to realize that.”

  “I’m so tired of all this studying though.”

  “Do this one more thing. For me.” He gives me an intent look. “Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m sure you can find more information about shadow work, but to get started, here are a few things to know. You have to have silence. No cell phone, no TV, no internet. Just you and yourself.”

  I nod.

  “Once you sit in silence, things will start to rise to the surface—hopes and dreams, fears and doubts. Repressed memories. It can feel messy. Even scary. You might want to stop. But don’t. Keep going. And this is important—let yourself feel the emotions.”

  “This sounds like therapy,” I mutter.

  “It kind of is. Your emotions will tell you things about yourself. It’s a good idea to write them down.”

  I make a face. “Can I use my iPad?”

  He smiles and shakes his head. “Use whatever you want.”

  “Great.” I yawn. “Thanks, Joe. I’ll try it.”

  “Remember… it’s not the powers you have that make you magical. It’s what you do with them that defines you.”

  I nod.

  “And… you don’t have to fit in with your family. You’re part of the family no matter what.”

  “Oh.” My throat clogs. “Thank you.”

  “I need to ask you something. About Trace.”

  My entire body seizes. My eyes dart around. “What about him?”

  Sounding like he’s choosing his words carefully, he says, “Cassie has the idea that he might have feelings for you.”

  “Feelings?” I stall.

  “Yes. She thinks maybe he’s in love with you.” Joe clears his throat.

  “Oh my god!” I laugh, hoping I don’t sound hysterical. “Why would she think such a thing?”

  “Well, she’s pretty observant. She says he looks at you… and is protective of you.” He clears his throat.

  Looks at me? How? I swallow. “Trace doesn’t do relationships,” I say brightly. “He told me that. So no worries about that!”

  “Right,” Joe says, grimacing. “Okay.”

  Whew.

  “And one more thing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Would you… call me Dad?”

  A lump of emotion forms in my chest and rises into my throat. I study his face, which I’ve come to know so well. I love h
im. “Yes,” I whisper. “I would love to.”

  We lean toward each other to hug.

  He pulls back. “Take the day off tomorrow. You can do your shadow work.”

  “Oh… that would be great.” I pause. “Can I ask you something else?”

  “Anything.”

  I fiddle with the ties of my pajama pants. “I still don’t understand… what is our purpose as witches?”

  His forehead creases.

  “Like, why do we have witch powers?” I try to clarify. “Why are we here?”

  “Those are big questions.”

  “I know.” I sigh. “I keep thinking I’ll figure it out, but I haven’t yet.”

  “Well.” He falls silent for a moment, thinking. “I don’t think there are answers for those.”

  I gaze at him in dismay.

  His smile is gentle. “What is your purpose as a Rucker? As a woman?”

  I blink and purse my lips. “I don’t know.”

  “And that’s totally normal. We don’t all know our purpose in life. Especially when we’re young. All we can do is ask ourselves, what kind of person do I want to become? What kind of witch do I want to become?” One corner of his mouth lifts higher. “What problems do you see in the world? What’s causing them? Who are the most important people in your life? What are your values?”

  I sigh, a smile tugging my lips. “Okay, I get it.”

  “You can’t answer all those questions right now. Or in a day. Maybe even in a lifetime. But keep asking them. That’s where you’ll find the purpose of your life. Whether you’re a witch… or not. And if you choose not to be a witch, you still have unique talents. You still have magic in you with your ability to treat people with empathy, care, and humor. To make them feel happy, connected, valued. To strive for justice and fairness. You don’t have to be a witch to do that.”

  More emotion swells in my chest, nearly choking me. I pull in a shaky breath. “Thank you. Dad.”

  I love his smile.

  When I’m alone, I lay down, hugging my furry pillow.

  Last night, after Trace left, I felt so lost. So alone. I knew it was going to end like that, but I hate that he was angry. Except I don’t get why he’s so angry.

  I wished things could be different. That Trace had fallen in love with me too. That instead of arguing, he’d told me that, and… well. Wishes don’t matter.