Nothing Is Wrong and Here Is Why

by Alexandra Petri

  Damien Tucker is going to be amazing in his lead role as Articulate Person that Part of the Internet Will Become Very Suspicious Of. If you want us to be in any scenes together I AM VERY READY. In my mind, Articulate Person that Part of the Internet Will Become Very Suspicious Of and Crying Girl with Sign have a long history together, and I can act with my face and body—or do a dream ballet!—if you do not think this merits another line. We could even KISS right before he says his line (do not tell him I suggested this).

  I also want to know if you plan to do anything about the fact that Laura Jenkins never says her line right. I am not confident in her ability to cry on cue (when I was Factory Worker 3 and she was Fantine, I noticed that she brought a damp sponge with her backstage right before “I Dreamed a Dream”), whereas I can cry at the drop of a pin; I’m literally crying right now as I type this.

  I cry easily just by imagining—what if this weren’t a play? What if this were real? What if there actually were seventeen dead kids and teachers, but some people were so in denial that they decided it would be easier to imagine a whole cast of children being paid to be crisis actors than have to confront the world we live in? Maybe I’d never stop crying.

  Thanks,

  Amy

  P.S. I could also sing the line.

  February 22, 2018

  Everything You Wanted to Know About Deep State But Were Too Scared to Ask

  We have been hearing more about the Deep State lately. It is about time. I have cherished my admissions letter to DEEP STATE ever since it was flown down my chimney by an old bat with large leathery wings shortly after my eleventh birthday. It is below.

  Congratulations on your admission to DEEP STATE!

  We’d love to learn more about you as you make up your mind about whether to attend this elite institution and join the many graduates who proudly proclaim our Latin motto, “status in statu.”

  First, a question. There are only two ways that muggles Real Americans find out about American Deep State. How did you?

  (a) I read an article on Breitbart.com

  (b) I am the president of the United States, with access to the work of the world’s most vital intelligence apparatus, privy to all kinds of classified information that can get to the heart of things, and I read an article on Breitbart.com

  We can’t wait for you to join the ranks of the Moles. (The mole is our cherished mascot. Look for him around campus! If you see him, he has failed in his mission and will be immediately destroyed.)

  Deep State, like Hogwarts, is a secret shadow institution that exists, invisibly, beneath and alongside everything you know about and see. All the creepy murals that used to decorate the Denver Airport and fill innocent travelers with suspicion have been rescued and restored and grace the halls of Deep State. Immediately on arrival, all Deep State students are sorted into one of four houses: Slytherin, Slytherin, Slytherin, or the Unelected Bureaucracy of the State Department.

  At Deep State, you will learn to warp the fabric of reality so that you can conduct a secret conspiracy to manage a coup d’état that is Nixon-Watergate all over again but will also be immediately visible to anyone who reads the New York Times.

  At Deep State, your roommate could be anyone: a journalist, an unelected bureaucrat, an Ivy League elitist, a K Street lobbyist, a Silicon Valley type, a retail associate, a member of Congress, a paid protester at that very congressman’s town hall—anyone! We appear to be working at cross purposes, but at Deep State, there is no such thing. These are all parts of Deep State that make us who we are.

  What is the aim of Deep State graduates? A very clear and very secret thing, only known to Deep Staters and the people who leave comments on conspiracy websites online.

  Do you have any fun campus traditions? Every night before exams we go streaking across campus and then gather in a darkened council chamber to choose a new secret direction for the United States, which we all work to achieve in tandem through a system so secret that no one is told about it or knows what it is.

  Do you have any rivalries? Our only rival is the legitimately elected government of the United States. Except Congress, which is a part of the Deep State somehow. It makes sense once you accept it. Also we are rivals with Duke, because nuts to Duke.

  What or where is Deep State? Deep State is everything and nothing.

  Is Deep State exclusive? Many people do not even know they are part of Deep State.

  Do you have any famous alums? We have ONLY famous alums.

  Does Deep State offer scholarships? No.

  Are speakers welcome on Deep State campus? Unlike regular college campuses, which only disinvite conservative speakers, Deep State disinvites ALL speakers.

  Does Deep State have a football team? No, but it controls the outcome of all football games.

  Where, who, or what actually is Deep State? It goes all the way to the top.

  Who is part of it? All stable institutions everywhere. Not Steve Bannon, as he is neither of those things.

  What is it actually? I think I’ve made it very clear. The Deep State network is extensive, and we have Deep State grads in many fields: Congress. The judiciary. The mainstream media. Global corporations. Think tanks. The State Department. K Street lobbies. The executive branch. The legal complex. Hedge funds. Madison Avenue. The defense industry. DARPA. Army, Navy, Air Force. Pentagon. Intelligence: CIA, NSA, DIA. Department of Energy. Transportation complex. Energy complex. Research universities. Ivy League schools. Silicon Valley. Special Forces. Foundations. NGOs. Retail, banking, mortgages. Wall Street.

  All of these careers are part of the Deep State. “Wait, is anything NOT part of Deep State?” you may be asking. Finally, you get it!

  After you discover the Deep State, you can access it by going to Platform 9¾ at the State Department and running very hard, headfirst into one of the walls. You may or may not go through the wall, but after a head injury of that magnitude, everything about the Deep State will make sense.

  All best, and congratulations,

  Barack Obama

  President of Deep State

  March 7, 2017

  Some Classic Episodes of Trump’s Space Force

  Space is a war-fighting domain, just like the land, air, and sea. . . . We may even have a Space Force, develop another one, Space Force. We have the Air Force, we’ ll have the Space Force.

  —PRESIDENT TRUMP

  (Swelling orchestral music) Space. Force. The final frontier. Force. These are the voyages of the space ship SpaceForce Ship. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To carry the values of the Trump administration to infinity and beyond. To boldly go where no one has gone before.

  Episode 103: The half-alien first officer explains that because of his different cultural background, he experiences the world differently than the captain does. The captain becomes upset—“I didn’t join Space Force so people could lecture me with this political correctness!”—and makes him leave the bridge. While this discussion is distracting everyone, the ship flies into an asteroid and everyone aboard is killed.

  Episode 104: The science officer very carefully explains—using a holographic presentation and small, simple words—that diverting all power from the life support to the Space Drive will kill everyone on the ship. The captain gives the order anyway. Everyone on board is, as predicted, killed.

  Episode 105: The captain randomly reassigns the ship’s doctor to become head of engineering, because he places no value on expertise. No one knows what they are doing and the second there is a problem, the ship explodes and everyone on board is killed.

  Episode 107: One of the women complains about the low-cut, skimpy uniform Space Force obliges her to wear. No one listens to her and nothing changes.

  Episode 109: A planet is being slowly suffocated by its own atmosphere. All the scientists on the planet have suggested a simple step that will prevent this from occurring and the planet’s leader beseeches the captain to
help. “Ah, but what if it’s not?” the captain asks. The planet implodes, also destroying the ship in the process.

  Episode 201: The ship is charged with brokering peace in an interplanetary dispute that has raged for centuries. Space Force is supposed to transport an aging diplomat who has made the study of this controversy his life’s work and who alone possesses the rare cultural artifact that will help settle their enmity. But the captain’s son suggests that he could do it equally well, probably, because he once saw a video about it, so they put him in charge instead. It does not go well. In the B Plot, the ship gets destroyed.

  Episode 301: The ship receives a distress signal from a planet in crisis. The ship ignores it. “We have enough of our own problems,” the captain points out.

  Episode 304: The captain is given access to a new, planet-destroying weapon. Everyone advises him not to use it because the carnage will be unthinkable, but he thinks it might be cool just to see what it does. The entire bridge crew resigns in protest. He uses it. The carnage is unthinkable.

  Episode 310: The entire crew is replaced with children. No one notices.

  Episode 401: The ship flies through a wormhole into a Mirror Universe where they all have beards. Everything is incredibly well run, and the work environment is warm and respectful. They figure out a way to return things to normal, but nobody wants to go back, so they pretend they didn’t.

  Episode 405: The captain is stranded on a planet with people who speak only in metaphors. He becomes frustrated with them and shoots them. They were trying to warn him of a danger threatening his ship, and when he zooms back aboard, the ship instantly explodes.

  March 14, 2018

  Welcome to AP U.S. History! Everyone Say Hi to the Tank and the 150 Heavily Armed Men.

  In the wake of another shooting, someone came up with the glorious idea that teachers could earn bonuses by toting concealed weapons into their classrooms. Indeed! Schools have been soft targets too long. Below, words from a pioneer of the program.

  NO, CHARISSE, YOU CANNOT GO to the bathroom; the armed escort is still in there with Tim.

  I also have some personal news: To receive a bonus, which I sorely require, I am carrying a concealed firearm in a pocket holster, which is why my cardigan is draped in such an unusual manner today, and it’s also why, when I tripped and dropped the box of pencils that I paid for out of my own pocket because our supplies budget was cut, I clutched my hip and screamed, “OH GOD, NO!” I promise that this will not happen again. I am going to get comfortable with the new requirements for being a teacher, because I think what I do is important, and because the man with strong muscular arms and impeccable aim who would replace me thinks the Trent Affair is something you have outside your marriage with the lead singer of Nine Inch Nails. Ha ha, dating myself there.

  The reason I have written “execrable debacle” on the board is because those are two SAT words I would like for you to learn. No other reason. I am sorry that you only get half a textbook; I tried to suggest that those should be a budget priority, but it did not fly. But we did receive funds so that Ms. Clifford—the art teacher—could get three weeks of boot camp and six pistols, and so that a man can stand outside the auditorium with a rocket launcher.

  We will not have any active-shooter drills because the president thinks they are demoralizing, unlike the conditions in which I am now going to attempt to teach you about the liberties we hold dear—oh God, what’s happening? Oh sure, Tony, I guess it must be hot in the tank. You go ahead and open that top up. I just got a little startled, but it’s fine, we’re fine. Hoo boy. Okay. We’re fine. We’re fine. Everyone’s fine.

  To the members of the security team: You are welcome to take the final, but when I call on people, I am going to prioritize current students.

  And remember, we’re here to learn! Think of this as a fun mnemonic for the Bill of Rights. When you look around at what we are being asked to do here rather than attempt any sort of restrictions on gun ownership, you may well think, “This is a big pile of number two.” And, hey, that’s the amendment!

  This class is heavy on the reading, and we are going to move quickly through history to get to the present. Although, really, why rush? Look where we wound up.

  February 22, 2018

  Part IV

  MODEST PROPOSALS AND OTHER COMMENTARY

  AH, THE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS! COME TO this wonderful bazaar and inhale a deep whiff of all the magnificent flavors that have been prepared for your delectation! These are the ideas that are best and strongest! They have beaten all the other ideas that tried to stand against them. They have stabbed them with their long, forked tails and bellowed with triumph. You will be very pleased with these ideas, which are the best of their type and smell delicious! Yes, these are ideas that are thriving! These ideas are the best! It is good to hear them. None of them are parodies.

  A Good Time to Talk About Gun Laws

  We’ ll be talking about gun laws as time goes by.

  —DONALD TRUMP

  AS TIME GOES BY.

  There will be time, of course, to have this discussion. “Not now” is not the same as never.

  It must be on a day when there has been no recent gun violence. So not today, and not tomorrow, and not the day after that. But someday. There is no Catch-22 here, where because there are not sensible gun laws, it is always too soon after a major gun tragedy to talk about sensible gun laws. No.

  There is a perfect moment that exists for such a conversation, just after the moment of silence and just before life resumes. If you slice time thinly enough you will find it, like plucking an atom of gold from the air. It lasts only a millisecond, but it is the right time, and words spoken then will not fall on deaf ears. (The discussion must be brief. Just a second too late and it will be the wrong time again.) But it is possible.

  When the time arrives, we must come to the issue without politics. (Politics have seeped into our chicken and our Pepsi, and our late-night talk show hosts give addresses after tragedies that ought to come from the president. Politics is football and wishing people a happy holiday and ordering a coffee.) We must avoid politics. We must approach it with a perfectly blank slate, as blank and void as Megyn Kelly’s new NBC show.

  There will be a day, and we will know. It will be when there is a president in power whom everyone likes and respects. When Congress is no longer beholden to the National Rifle Association for ever-more-baffling sums. When we have ended gerry-mandering and taken action on climate change. After we amend the electoral college. Right after the last of the Confederate statues comes down, maybe a week or two after we have fixed sexism. It will be three or four days after we look around and notice we are living in a truly postracial society. The day after your Beanie Baby collection finally accrues its full expected value. One brisk afternoon, you will get into an argument on the Internet, and it will make you change your mind about something and feel better about humanity. And then you will know: Today is the day for the conversation about gun laws.

  It will be before the sun burns out and all human life is extinct, probably.

  So we must wait at least until then, to avoid politicizing the issue. That is only reasonable and fair. That is quite a different thing from “never.”

  October 3, 2017

  I Am Sick of These Children Demanding Safe Spaces

  The left’s propaganda shaped a new generation of young adults, who then parroted all that malarkey about the “patriarchy” and then they came up with their own new phrases like “microaggressions” and “safe spaces” and “white privilege.”

  —LAUR A INGRAHAM, AFTER COMING UNDER FIRE FOR MAKING FUN OF A PARKLAND SHOOTING SURVIVOR

  I AM SICK OF THESE children and their demands for safe spaces.

  Safe spaces! Back in my day, all we had were dangerous spaces. People would call you names that would turn your ears blue. Everyone had measles, mumps, and rubella, just as a matter of course, and we did not go crawling to our family physicians for so-called va
ccines. Disease was a ritual of childhood. We toughed it out. We built character.

  We did not have satellite radio or the Internet. We had to make our own electricity by rubbing sticks together. Everyone had six guns apiece, which we used to fight world wars. (There has not been a good world war for too long, and kids have gotten needlessly soft.) When children misbehaved, their parents were strongly encouraged to hit them with a rod.

  Nobody wore safety belts. The water was full of mercury. The fish were full of sewage. Nobody recycled ANYTHING. When someone fell ill, you just hoped and prayed. (More things should be resolved that way: not with regulations or attempts at solutions but by wishing and hoping and thinking and praying. That was good enough for us, and any change in the world since then has been a change for the worse.)

  We used to crawl to school uphill both ways in blinding snowstorms. We used to drink water from lead pipes. Some children still do this, but not nearly enough of them. There was smog in the air as thick as a man’s fist. You could smoke on airplanes. In fact, you were encouraged to do so. It was this pointless suffering that made me who I am.

  Dare I deny these benefits to the children of today?

  I look at kids these days and I despair. They need to man up and solve their own problems. They need to stop demanding to be coddled. Children now are wimps, and far too few of them have experienced the grit developed by being exposed to communicable diseases, or urged to ride bicycles without helmets.

  Now, suddenly, they want to get rid of guns, too. The one thing I know is that we cannot stop guns. There is no point in discussing that; that is an immutable aspect of human nature. Children need to toughen up and learn how to care for themselves. They should learn CPR. And they need to stop using rude words when they respond to me, specifically, although I get to use those words back, as it will make them stronger and hardier.