It still felt like a really fucking big if.
Matt cleared his throat. "We need to talk things through. All of us. So it's best if…" He pointed to the door.
"I'll go to my room," Seb repeated. "Give me a knock when Connor gets here."
He stepped to the side but stopped when Matt placed a hand on his arm, just below the elbow. He stared at it, and all he could think was how amazing it would be to have that large paw of a hand, those thick fingers around his cock. A gasp escaped his lips, even though he tried to trap it inside himself.
"What about Craig?" Matt asked.
The question almost knocked Seb sideways. "What about him?"
"You were with him for five years but have only been apart for two weeks. What you're feeling—"
"I'm not on the rebound," Seb cut in. "How long have I known you guys?"
"How long have you thought you might like us?" Matt countered.
Seb counted to ten in his head as he breathed out slowly. "I realised the night I kissed you both."
Matt's nostrils flared as he waited for Seb to continue.
"I know that sounds like a rebound thing," Seb said. "But it's not." He shook his head in frustration. "It's hard to explain. "I think I've loved you both for a long time, but I didn't realise how much. Not until I was able to sit back and think about everything you both mean to me, everything you've done for me, and everything we've been through together. And then it hit me, and"—he sighed—"I acted on impulse and fucked up everything."
"You didn't," Matt said in a low, soft tone. "You forced us all to think and admit some stuff to ourselves and each other, which isn't the same thing at all."
Seb's eyebrows pinched together. "What have you admitted to yourself?"
"That it's possible I could be into guys… or at least…" He paused, clearly stumbling over the words. "I could be into the two of you."
Seb's lips parted. Christ, he wanted to kiss the hell out of Matt. But he didn't. He stood perfectly still, watching the conflict play across his face.
"But I can't go down this road if this is a rebound thing for you. I'm not going to set myself up for being hurt like that. I'm not going to let Con get hurt like that."
"I told you I'm not." Seb had to fight not to snap out his words. "I wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt either of you." His mind was whirring. Was Matt saying what he thought he was? No… he couldn't be. Matt was only just facing the possibility of liking guys in the first place, after only ever being with women. He couldn't be thinking that the three of them would… That they might…
"Connor doesn't deserve more hurt and pain," Matt whispered, breaking into Seb's thoughts. "Fuck," he hissed out. "He'd probably be pissed as hell if he heard me being all protective over him. He's the one who looks after us."
Maybe that was exactly what Matt was suggesting. It had been the three of them for so long. If their friendship shifted into something more sexual, it would feel wrong to leave one of them out in the cold.
He raised his unrestrained arm and pressed his palm against Matt's chest. "I love you. I love both of you. Hurting either of you is the last thing I would ever set out to do."
Matt exhaled. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm just—"
"Fucked up right now?" Seb tried to make himself laugh as he spoke, but the sound came out nervous rather than jovial.
"Yeah," Matt said with an equally strained laugh in his voice. "This isn't the kind of thing I normally do."
"Fall for a guy?"
"Yeah. Let alone fall for two."
A shiver snaked down Seb's spine. Images of the three of them together flickered through his mind, like an old-fashioned movie reel, flashing from one image to the next at a dizzying rate. He took a couple of deep breaths to steady and calm himself. He had to rein in his thoughts. There were a lot of ifs, buts, and maybes in the air. A lot of doubt and tension. A lot of fear.
"But you've contemplated a threesome before, right?" he asked as lightly and teasingly as he could.
"Fuck, yeah," Matt boomed. "Isn't that every guy's dream? To be sandwiched between two hot—" He paused, swallowed, breathed. "People." His face became a little blanched. He let go of Seb's arm and turned away, wiping his hands over his head. "What if I can't… you know… what if I hate it? Or think it's gross or…"
Despite his head yelling that it was a bad idea, Seb stepped close to Matt and wrapped his arms around his back. "If we go down this road, we'll figure it all out together." He felt tension release from Matt's body. For some reason, that prompted him to press his cheek against Matt's back and hold him even more tightly. "I should go to my room."
"Don't," Matt whispered before turning round in Seb's arms. He lowered his face and pressed his lips to Seb's with rough, desperate desire.
Seb's entire body came alive. Matt was kissing him, sober, and God, it felt good. His hands strayed up and down Matt's back as their mouths opened, and their tongues began to caress. He tugged Matt harder and groaned as their bodies pressed against one another. His cock responded, and so did Matt's, which only made him harder. Matt's large hands cupped his face, and the kiss became more urgent.
"We should wait," Matt breathed before plunging in for another, short kiss. "For Connor." Then his mouth was on Seb's again before he pulled away to let out a laugh. "Damn it's weird kissing someone with stubble." He ran a hand over his chin. Unlike the night at the campsite, Matt was cleanly shaven.
"Weird good or weird bad?" Seb's heart pounded in his chest as he waited for an answer.
"It's you. So weird good."
Matt looped one arm around Seb's back and the other around his waist and propelled him backwards onto the sofa. He knelt over Seb, one knee on the sofa, the other straight, as he dove in for another searing kiss. Seb placed the flat of his palm over Matt's left pec, rubbing circles over his nipple through the thin shirt. He laughed deep in his throat as it became hard as a pebble. Matt moaned into his mouth.
"If you like that, just wait until you find out what I can do with my tongue," Seb whispered.
"Fuck," Matt breathed. "I think I almost jizzed in my pants."
Seb tugged playfully at Matt's belt. "If you take them off, that won't be a problem, will it?"
Matt pulled back a little and stared down at Seb, blinking slowly. Fuck. Was Matt about to wake up and realise he was making a huge mistake? Seb held his breath until he felt like his lungs would burst. He didn't want this moment to end because he was terrified their friendship would collapse with it.
"Are you offering me that blow job again?" Matt asked, his expression and tone deadpan.
Seb bit his lip. He couldn't read Matt at all, so he decided to take a chance. He stroked his hand over the front of Matt's trousers and said, "I never retracted the offer."
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Matt
Before Matt could think, his trousers and pants were off and he was sitting on the couch. It had been his doing, his actions hurried and fumbling as Seb had continued to stare at him with a lustful grin on his face. He was beyond rational thought. Beyond worrying whether having a guy suck him off would gross him out.
"Are you sure?" Seb asked, twisting on the sofa.
"Yes," Matt growled out.
They kept eye contact as Seb slowly got down onto his knees and positioned himself between Matt's splayed legs. Seeing him there was enough to make Matt's entire body quiver. He licked his lips and tried to relax against the sofa, but he was so fucking tense that every movement he made felt awkward. Seb bent his head and licked the milky jewel of pre-cum that had leaked from the slit of Matt's cock. Then he slid his tongue back and forth over Matt's slit before swirling it around the whole head.
Matt's head lolled back as a groan escaped his lips. "Fuck," he breathed.
Then he felt the moist warmth of Seb's mouth around the head of his cock, sucking and licking for a few seconds before taking him deeper. Seb's stubble scraped against his thighs, heightening his pleasure in a way Matt hadn't anticipated
. The tension fled from his body, and he relaxed, liquifying as Seb lavished expert attention on his cock. He wanted to buck his hips up, to drive himself deeper into Seb's mouth, but managed to suppress the urge. He groaned as Seb's hands settled on his thighs and began to stroke, working from the outside in before his fingers played with Matt's balls, only to glide to Matt's outer thighs again. Seb repeated the teasing action over and over whilst his mouth continued to work Matt's cock. Matt could feel his balls drawing up tight, could feel the burning need to come in his groin, but he restrained himself, because he didn't want Seb to stop. His hands found Seb's thick curls and twisted into them. He whimpered as Seb's mouth pulled away from him, and forced his eyes open a crack. Seb's lips were swollen and wet. His eyes were sparkling.
"You can fuck my mouth," Seb told him. "Don't hold back."
Excitement stole the breath from Matt's lungs. "Fuck," he breathed. No one had ever said that to him before.
Seb took his cock into his mouth again, his cheeks hollowing out as he sucked hard. It was probably the sexiest thing Matt had seen in a long time.
"Fuck," he repeated, the sound more guttural than before. No other words existed.
He shut his eyes and arched his hips up, driving his cock into Seb's mouth. He clutched Seb's hair more tightly as he repeated the action over and over. Crying out each time he felt the tip of his cock hit resistance. He screamed as he rode his orgasm, his hips thrusting, his body shuddering a couple more times before he was spent. Seb sucked him deep, drinking him dry before flopping onto the sofa beside him. Matt pulled him close so Seb's head was resting on his heaving chest.
"That was…" He raised his hand and then let it drop again, unable to find the words he was looking for.
"Amazing?" Seb asked, a chuckle in his voice.
"Yeah. You're good." His chest constricted as he bit back the words on the tip of his tongue: I don't know why you didn't satisfy Craig. I'm more than satisfied. "I should do something for you," he said, although his mind swayed like crazy as he tried to think what he might be able to do.
"Don't be daft," Seb said softly. "It doesn't work like that." His fingers grazed against Matt's jaw. "Trust me, I enjoyed myself."
"But you didn't—"
Seb pushed himself up to silence Matt with a kiss. "It doesn't matter."
Matt swallowed a couple of times, touching his fingers to his lips, where the taste of Seb and himself lingered. "That definitely meant something."
"Yeah," Seb agreed. "It did." His eyebrows pinched together as he stared into Matt's eyes. "Are you okay with that?"
Matt nodded. "Yeah, I think so." He winced at how uncertain his words and voice had been. "Fuck. I'm sorry… I… I'm way outside of my comfort zone here."
"It's okay."
"I don't regret it." Matt knew he needed to stop talking, but his mouth hadn't got the memo. "It was just… different… I've never… with a guy… And you're my best friend… And it was… you looked…" He swallowed, trying to moisten his mouth. "You looked fucking gorgeous… but I've never…"
Seb pressed his hand over Matt's mouth, silencing him. "One step at a time, okay? We don't need to make sense of everything all at once. You liked it, and you don't regret that it happened. That's a great start. Let's work slowly from there, okay?"
Matt nodded again. He could do nothing but stare into his friend’s eyes as the realisation hit him that he wanted to feel Seb's mouth around his cock again, soon. But that didn't stop him from trembling with trepidation as he felt the landscape of their friendship shifting beneath them. He only hoped it was changing for the better.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Connor
Connor almost didn't knock on Matt's flat door. His thoughts were a jumbled mess. If Matt came out the other side of his confusion and decided he wanted to be with Seb, Connor didn't want to stand in their way. Not that he wanted to be the third wheel, particularly, but he'd put up with it, for them. Even though he'd made his mind up about that, the thought of being the odd one out left him feeling sick. Jealousy wasn't a great emotion; he knew that. He wanted to be truly happy for them, but the ache in his chest told him he might not be. That would be his problem, not theirs.
He blew out a breath, debating walking away and leaving them to it. They had been friends long before he'd turned up. Their bond was far stronger than the one they shared with him. They'd be better off without him. They'd be more relaxed as a couple if he weren’t hanging around.
He shook his head. Who the fuck was he kidding? He was thinking about walking away from the two men who had supported him through his mum's illness and had put up with all his shit over the years. He couldn't turn his back on them, just because they were able to have something he wanted but couldn't have. He lifted his hand and knocked.
Matt answered the door a few seconds later. His mouth spread into a grin. "We were taking bets on whether you'd actually turn up," he said, grabbing Connor's arm and dragging him inside. "I won."
Behind him, Seb snorted. "I wasn't betting against you, idiot." He winked at Connor. "We both knew you'd come."
Really? Because Connor hadn't been sure. He glanced between them. After what Matt had told him at lunch, he'd been expecting tension between them. There was none, besides the anxiety he was projecting into the room. His brow crumpled. They must have talked. His stomach churned, and he hated himself for it. It was his choice to be alone.
"Hey," Matt said. "It's okay. You can relax a little. There's no need to be nervous."
"Or scared," Seb said in a soft tone.
Connor bristled against being coddled, even though he knew the expression on his face had to have invited their words.
"Sit down." Matt motioned to the sofa before sitting down on one end himself.
Seb sat on the other end, leaving a person-sized gap between them. They both looked at him expectantly. Connor held his breath. They had talked and no doubt come to a decision between themselves. Had they talked about him and how he would fit with them? How they'd make him feel welcome whilst they got closer and closer?
Matt patted the space between him and Seb. "Con?"
"You've talked?" he asked cautiously.
They looked at each other. Something silent passed between them, and in that instant, he knew they'd done a lot more than talk. Matt had obviously thrown caution to the wind and let his heart rule his head. Good for him. Good for them. He was happy for them, but Christ, he couldn't help the flush of jealousy that surged through him. What right did he have to be envious when he was the one holding himself back from experiencing love, lust, and passion? But part of him did resent them, and that part wanted to get the hell out of there.
He ran a hand through his hair and backed away. "You guys don't need me getting in the way," he said before turning.
He'd barely walked two steps when a pair of arms encircled his chest, holding him fast. He felt the prickle of Seb's stubble against his neck.
"You would never get in the way," Seb whispered. "Matt told me the secret you'd been keeping from us. I wish you'd told us, Connor."
Connor stiffened in his arms.
"I also wished you'd told us how scared you are about the future. You can't let something that might happen rule your present."
Connor didn't relax. Common sense told him Seb was right. Hell, he'd tried to tell himself the same thing several times. But it never sunk in. He remembered the way his mum's personality had faded away until she was nothing more than a confused, frightened shell and fear kicked in. I can't put anyone through that.
"Come sit down," Seb urged.
He tugged at Connor, who relented to being manhandled to the sofa, where he sat between his two friends. He leaned back, hands curled loosely on his thighs and glanced from one to the other.
"So… I guess we're not pretending that those kisses didn't mean anything anymore?" he asked. It seemed like the best place to start, even though it was stating the obvious.
"No more pretending," Seb agreed. "I
kissed you—both of you—because you mean more to me than anyone else ever has or ever will. In that drunken moment, I realised how deeply my feelings ran for you both. And maybe kissing you wasn't the wisest thing to do, but I don't regret it." He grazed his fingertips over the back of Connor's hand. "I don't regret that things are changing between us."
Connor swallowed, but the action didn't ease the painful lump that was forming in his throat. He almost pulled his hand away, but Seb's touch was so soft he couldn't bring himself to. He wanted to feel that tenderness from Seb just once.
"My head's been kind of messed up," Matt said, echoing his words from earlier in the day. "Partly from the fear of losing either of you as friends, partly from trying to figure out what wanting the pair of you means about me."
Connor turned his head to face Matt, his lower lip jutting out a fraction in thought.
"I've never fancied a guy before," Matt went on. His mouth curled into a tiny smile. "Let alone two at the same time. This is new territory for me." He raised his hand to Connor's face and used his thumb to rub gently at the spot he'd been staring at during their impromptu lunch. He stared into Connor's eyes for a second, his smile widening. "Grease stains make you look hot." He dropped his hand into his lap.
In response to the loss of connection, Connor raised his hand and pressed it against his cheek. He was still wearing his overalls and knew he stank of grease and oil as a result. He hadn't noticed his face was streaked with grease, not that he was surprised. Normally he would have gone home to get cleaned up before going out, but he'd known that if he had, he really wouldn't have gone round to Matt's. And now that he was here, he was starting to realise how hard it would be to deny himself the possibility of being with them just once.
Connor heaved in a breath and stared at a spot on the floor, where something dark had been spilled at one time or another and had left the barest of shadows on the otherwise cream carpet.
"We need to take things one step at a time," Seb said softly. "We're all treading into new territory here, in several ways."
I Wished For You Page 8
