They want me to be part of this, Connor thought. But I can't. He was flattered that they wanted him, though. Hadn't it been something he'd secretly wanted for years? He'd loved them both in secret for so long. He sucked his lower lip into his mouth to stop himself from letting out a sob. That night, at the campsite, he had made a wish, but he'd kept it locked inside. He'd wished for them to love him, but it had been so far from possible that he hadn't thought it could come true.
"What do you think, Con?" Matt asked. "You said earlier you've had strong feelings for both of us for some time. This isn't new to you, but I also know you're scared. Do you want to take the way you feel one step further?"
I do. But I can't.
Emotions warred within him, tying his major organs into painful knots. He twisted his hands together over his knees. He thought back to the night of those kisses and the way he'd felt when he'd watched Seb and Matt kiss; the flush of warmth that had run through him; the desire he'd felt when Seb's lips had found his.
"I can't. It's not that I don't want to. I do. But I can't put you through what I went through when Mum… when she…" Each word was harder to spit out than the last. He dropped his head into his hands, trembling. He felt Matt's hand on his back, rubbing firmly, whilst Seb's rested on his knee, next to his shaking elbow.
"Do you really think we'll walk away if you get sick?" Seb asked. "We're your best friends. We're going to be there for you whether you let us screw you or not."
Connor couldn't help but choke out a laugh at Seb's statement.
"You wouldn't be putting us through anything," Matt said. "We saw how hard it was for you while your mum was sick. We were there, remember? If it happens to you, Seb and I will deal with it."
"And we'll look after you," Seb chipped in. "Because God knows we owe you for all the years you've mollycoddled us!"
Connor couldn't speak. His chest was tight, making breathing hard.
"And there's no guarantee you will get sick," Matt said. "You've convinced yourself that you will without any proof."
"There's the possibility of a genetic link—" Connor began.
"Possibility," Seb said, sounding out each syllable slowly. "Not a certainty. No one has written your death certificate, Connor. Your fate isn't sealed. All you're doing is making yourself miserable."
"And us," Matt said. "Or I think you will be if you don't give in."
Connor let out a sound that was a mixture of a sob and a laugh. "You two make it sound like I'm being ridiculous."
"You're not," Seb said, moving his hand in slow, calming circles over Connor's knee. "You went through hell when your mum got sick. I don't think I'd have coped half as well as you did if my dad had walked out and my mum had forgotten who I was when I was fourteen. But you did more than cope. You looked after your mum and yourself. I'd be more worried if all that hadn't left emotional scars. I get why you wouldn't want anyone to be put in the position you were in. I understand why you're scared as hell about what the future might bring. But we will be there with you no matter what. Whether we're friends or lovers, we will be there."
Connor blinked his water-filled eyes. The room blurred into incoherence, but he could still feel Matt and Seb's presence. Seb's hand was still circling his knee, Matt was massaging his back in much the same fashion, and their touch felt so unbearably right.
"We've got you, Con," Matt said. "I'm scared too. I know it's for different reasons, but we can hold each other up, can't we? I can't imagine doing this without you. You fit with us. You always have."
Seb slipped from the sofa, onto his knees in front of Connor. "We know you haven’t done much of the physical stuff before," Seb said, using his thumb to wipe away the tears that had managed to spill from Connor's eyes. "We won't push you into anything you're not ready for."
"Do you know how unconventional it would be?" Connor asked. "If we… if all three of us…?"
Seb chuckled. "Yeah, I do. But who cares? What happens between the three of us is our business, no one else's." He tipped his head to the side and pressed a light, fast kiss to Connor's lips. "I love you both. Please don't push us away."
Connor touched his fingers to his lips. Even though the rest of him was still in a sense of fearful revolt, his lips longed for the press of Seb's again. His friends were right: he couldn't let fear rule his life, not anymore.
"How would it work?" he asked, raising his eyes to meet Seb's earnest gaze.
"I don't know," Seb confessed. "Day by day, I guess."
"With a kiss," Matt whispered into his ear. He tucked his fingers under Conner's chin and turned his face towards him. His gaze searched Connor's, waiting for permission.
Connor gave the barest of nods.
"I've been wanting to kiss you since lunchtime," Matt admitted as the red heat of a blush crawled into his cheeks. "Probably before then, but that grease stain on your cheek was the last straw."
He covered Connor's mouth with his own. At the same time, Seb wrapped his arms around Connor, one hand caressing his back, the other running through his hair. His stubble grazed Connor's neck as he left a trail of soft kisses on Connor's jaw. Connor melted between them, whimpering slightly as Matt's tongue gently ran over his bottom lip.
"Okay," he whispered as they parted.
"You're still scared?" Seb asked.
"Fucking terrified."
"Me too," Matt confessed.
"Which makes three of us." Seb chuckled. "But at least we're all in great company."
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Matt
Terrified wasn't actually a powerful enough word to do justice to the way Matt was feeling. Not that he could think of another word that fit. He felt like he was acting on instinct, rather than judgement. Maybe that was all he could do while he stood in the centre of a whirlwind of unpredictable change. As Seb said, this was new territory for them all, for a multitude of reasons. But what he and Seb had done had felt right. Connor almost giving in to fear and turning away from them felt wrong, like a part of him was about to be severed. Kissing Connor was another thing that was right.
He kissed Connor again and again, each kiss short and sweet, each reciprocated a little more solidly than the last. At the same time, he placed his hand on the back of Seb's neck, stroking softly. Beyond that, he had no idea what to do, had no clue where the moment was taking them.
Connor pulled away, a nervous smile gracing his lips. "I should probably go."
Matt felt his stomach lurch.
"I need a shower," Connor added hurriedly. "And food and—"
"You can shower here," Matt said. He didn't want Connor to walk away, not whilst everything was so new and definitely not whilst there was a still a hint of trepidation quivering in Connor's eyes.
Connor glanced down at his filthy overalls.
"You can borrow some clean clothes," Seb said, rocking back onto his heels. "We're not that different in size."
Connor was a little taller. Seb a little broader. Conner glanced between them, the corners of his mouth twitching nervously.
"Okay," he said after a few beats. "And then I'll cook." He narrowed his eyes at Matt. "Please tell me you've got food in there I can cook?"
Matt pursed his lips and stared at the floor like a guilty schoolboy.
"Seriously?" Connor rebuked.
"He's got a great stack of takeaway menus," Seb said.
Connor rolled his eyes and shook his head. "You two are the definition of the bachelor stereotype." He pointed at Matt. "I'm taking you shopping tomorrow. I don't want to have to fork out for takeaway all the time if I'm going to hang out here more often."
Tension lifted from Matt's shoulders. This was what he was used to from his friends: lighthearted banter and saying whatever was on their minds. "You know I'm a shit cook."
Connor's mouth hooked into a grin. "You can learn." He pointed towards the door that led to the bathroom. "I'm going to take a shower."
Matt caught hold of Connor's arm as he walked past, speaking before he
was able to think better of it. "If you're taking me shopping tomorrow, does that mean you're staying over tonight?"
Their eyes locked, and he saw Connor's pupils shrink fractionally. Matt's stomach clenched. Was that desire or fear in Connor's eyes? Shit.
"We'll see," Connor said softly. "Okay?"
Matt let him go, his stomach unclenching. "More than."
"I'll grab you some clothes," Seb said.
He headed through the other door, that led to the two bedrooms, leaving Matt to rummage in his kitchen drawers for his stack of takeaway menus. He really had collected a lot since he'd moved in. Of course, he mostly used apps now rather than calling the shops directly, but it was easier to browse through physical menus than to scroll through them on his phone screen.
"What do you fancy?" Seb asked after he'd passed the clothes to Connor. "Apart from me and Connor, obviously," he added with a cheeky wink.
Matt swatted Seb round the head with the pizza menu he was looking at.
"Come on," Seb said. "Don't tell me you're not imagining our hot mechanic boyfriend naked right now."
As if on cue, they could hear the tumble of water pounding into the shower tray. Matt felt a flush flash through him as the image of Connor standing beneath the shower ignited in his mind. He was fitter and more toned than either of them, from lugging tyres around and whatever else it was he did all day at the garage. Seb stepped up to him, loosely clasping his hands behind Matt's back. He kissed Matt's neck and then his earlobe before whispering softly to him, "And you can't tell me you don't wish you were in there with him, helping clean the grease off his face." Another kiss, this time on Matt's lips. "And other places. Garages are messy places."
"Fuck," Matt whispered. He shook his head, banishing the fantasy. "What if Con's not ready for that? I know he's liked us for a while, but we're talking about taking a massive step for a guy who's barely fooled around with anyone."
"We'll be here when he is ready." Seb leaned his head on Matt's shoulder and gazed up at him. "The question is, are you? Until a week ago, you'd never even kissed a guy before. I'd say you and Connor are on even footing as far as experience is concerned."
Matt swallowed a couple of times, a groan sticking in his throat. "I'm still wrapping my head round the concept that there might be an us. Three of us. We've been friends for so long."
"You don't feel like this is a natural progression?"
Matt shrugged, momentarily dislodging Seb's cheek. "I think if you and Craig hadn't broken up… if we hadn't gone camping and got drunk… if you hadn't have kissed us… this wouldn't be happening at all."
"You regret it?" There was an edge to Seb's voice.
"No!" Matt pinched the bridge of his nose. "No."
Seb released him and sat down on the sofa, an action that made Matt's blood congeal in his veins.
"We know everything about each other as friends," he said. "But we know nothing about each other intimately. We need to discover each other's boundaries. We need to figure out how being in a three-way relationship is going to work. I'm afraid if we rush things, that we'll hurt each other."
"I'd never—"
"Nor would I, and neither would Con. Not intentionally. But this is new for us all. And you've decidedly got the upper hand, as the only one of us who has been with guys before." Connor's admission that he'd kissed a guy before didn't count. He hadn't gone any further. He glowered when Seb began smirking. "What?"
"You're babbling." Seb patted the sofa.
Matt flopped beside him, letting out a loud sigh at the same time.
"We'll figure it out," Seb assured him. "Together." He touched his fingers to Matt's jaw, turning the gesture into a long, deep kiss.
Within moments, their hands were roving all over one another's chests and backs. First over the clothes they were wearing, then finding their way beneath the obstacles to touch hot, needy skin.
"I'd have a woman on my lap by now," Matt breathed out between kisses.
Seb moved to straddle him. "Like this?" he asked before taking the skin of Matt's throat between his teeth. He nipped lightly and then licked and kissed the tender spot.
"Yeah," Matt groaned as Seb shifted back and forth slightly, stimulating his cock. "Like that."
Only of course it was different. He could feel Seb's erection rubbing against him, and although he ran his hands over Seb's nipples, it wasn't the same sensation as cupping a pair of breasts in his large hands. Different didn't mean wrong, he quickly realised. Different meant his body was being stimulated in ways he hadn't felt before. Different was the feel of Seb's stubble against his skin and the musky scent of cologne filling his nostrils.
He was dimly aware that he could no longer hear the shower and wondered if they should stop and pretend that nothing had happened. Go back to looking at takeaway menus so that everything looked innocent when Connor returned to the room. But they were both already dishevelled, their lips damp with each other's saliva. It would take a lot more than looking at takeaway menus to make their cocks limp again.
He didn't want to stop. This was one of those situations they needed to navigate. All of them were at different stages of readiness when it came to the physical side of a relationship. He felt woefully inexperienced beside Seb. He had no clue what two guys did together. Okay, that wasn't true. Of course he knew, but he'd never really thought about the mechanics of it before. Despite that, he was pretty sure he knew infinitely more about sex than Connor, who by his own admission, had done very little with anyone.
They both snapped their attention to the doorway when Connor cleared his throat. He was leaning against the door jamb, skin flushed pink. Matt wasn't sure if it was from the heat of the shower or from scrubbing away the grease and grime, but his friend looked sexy.
Seb started to move.
Connor held up his hand. "Don't stop because of me."
"Join us," Seb said.
Connor didn't move. "I'm sure you two can give each other something I can't. Yet. It would be completely shitty of me to ask you to slow down to my snail's pace." He snorted. "Forget that. A snail would get to the action faster than me."
"I have no problem with going slow," Seb said quietly. He slid off Matt's knee, moving aside so there was barely enough space for Connor between them.
Connor's cheeks flexed, and Matt wondered if he was weighing whether to sit with them or run.
Eventually, Connor pointed towards the door. "Why don't I go get us some food? Leave you two alone for a while."
"Don't go," Matt said.
"We can call for takeout," Seb added. "Stay. Sit with us. You don't have to join in."
"You mean… watch?" Connor's face flushed a violent shade of red.
"Why not?" Seb looked to Matt. "Would you mind?"
"No," Matt said, though his voice was wary. He wasn't sure he wanted his inexperience to be on show.
"I…" Connor began, his furtive gaze flitting everywhere but towards either of his friends.
Matt stood. Connor was the last person who would judge him. He moved to Connor, placing his hands on his hips. "You can watch or join in, whatever feels more comfortable." He pressed a tender kiss to Connor's lips and threaded their fingers together. He tugged, ever so slightly, in the direction of the sofa.
Connor resisted for a couple of seconds and then relented. "Matt, this is kind of weird," he admitted.
"Yes," Matt agreed as he tugged Connor down beside him. "I'm going to be honest and say I have no clue how the three of us being together will work."
"We could start with kissing," Seb said.
As much as Matt wanted to kiss them both, he rolled his eyes. "That wasn't quite what I meant."
"What did you mean?" Seb asked.
"You know… how will it work? Can we only do stuff if we're all together?"
Seb pursed his lips. "I wouldn't feel jealous if you and Connor got down and dirty without me. Would either of you?"
Matt mulled that over. "I… don't think so." He couldn't b
e sure he wouldn't feel at least a shred of jealousy. But Seb had already been down on his knees to suck him off, so he didn't really have any grounds to object. If he felt jealous, he'd deal with it like an adult.
"I'd want you to get on with things without me," Connor said. "I don't want to hold either of you back."
"Well, now that's sorted, can we get back to kissing?" Seb asked. "You two start, I'll join in."
Matt stared at Connor, licking his lips. Connor still looked uncertain, which was hardly surprising, so Matt took the initiative. He leaned into Connor, placing both hands on the side of Connor's face to still him as they kissed. He shuddered as he felt Seb's soft hand work its way beneath his shirt. Lightly, Seb ran his nails up and down Matt's skin. Beside him, Connor trembled. Matt paused long enough to see that Seb was running his other hand through Connor's hair. Matt shifted so he was on his knees and facing the other two men. He broke free of Connor and pressed his mouth to Seb's. Their tongues caressed one another. He felt Connor's rough palm stroke over the back of his neck, tentative and light.
"This works," he murmured against Seb's lips before turning his attention back to Connor.
He kept switching between them, each kiss becoming longer, deeper, and more passionate. Hands roamed everywhere, and if it weren’t for his friends' hands being so distinct from one another, Matt would have lost any sense of whose was whose.
He wasn't sure how long they spent on the sofa, only that the pressure in his cock was becoming unbearable. He didn't know exactly what he wanted. If he'd been making out with a woman this passionately, they would probably have been undressed by now, and he'd have been reaching for a condom. But he wasn't with a woman. He was with two guys, and he was positive the two of them weren't anywhere near ready for that step. He did need some kind of release though, even if he found it alone, under a shower.
He rolled off his knees. "Order food," he said. "It's my turn to take a shower."
Seb chuckled. "Is that really what you want?" His hand reached over Connor to squeeze Matt's cock through his trousers.
I Wished For You Page 9
