Even though he bit his lip to hold back a needy gasp, Matt nodded. "I'm not sure getting carried away is the best plan right now." He glanced at Connor, who looked a little dazed, his eyes unfocused, his face flushed.
Seb adjusted his jeans. "You're probably right." He wrinkled his nose. "If nothing else, we'll need to talk about cleanliness before we fuck each other."
Matt could almost feel his eyes bulging as his mouth dropped open in shock. Connor didn't seem to know where to look.
"Jesus, guys, I'm kidding," Seb said. "Well, not about cleanliness. We do need to have that conversation. But we're not ready for sex. Yet," he added with a wink. "There's plenty more to get to know about each other first." His gaze drifted over Matt and Connor in turn. "I want to discover every inch of your bodies first."
Connor cleared his throat and looked at the ceiling.
"When you're both ready," Seb added. "I can wait."
"Damn right you can," Matt said. "Order food."
"Yes, boss."
"Yeah, yeah, you'd love it if I bossed you around."
Seb licked his lips. "I think I could handle that. Can you?"
Matt felt a rush of desire head straight to his cock, which jumped painfully in the confines of his trousers. Don't rush, he told himself. Even though he probably was. Christ, Seb had been sucking his cock only a couple of hours earlier. He needed to slow the hell down and ease into things. He didn't want to ruin anything by jumping in feet first and regretting it. Baby steps, that's what he needed. It was what Connor needed, too. There was plenty of time to learn what they all liked. For now, he simply wanted to enjoy the newness of being with Seb and Connor as more than friends.
Much more.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Seb
They put on a crappy film, ate pizza, and chatted into the night. In many ways, it was like old times, before Seb had kissed either of them. They were relaxed, laughing, and never short of conversation. There were subtle differences. They sat closer rather than spread out across the room. By the end of the night, they were all back on the sofa. Seb ended up leaning against Matt's chest, with his feet on Connor's lap. He felt insanely comfortable and loved the way that both men were absently stroking various parts of his body as they chatted.
At some point, they all started yawning.
"I should go," Connor said, stretching.
"You were going to stay," Matt reminded him. "You look too tired to drive."
Connor pressed his lips together, making a murmur of agreement as his hands absently returned to Seb's shins.
"You don't have to sleep on the sofa." Matt reached his hand past Seb to touch Connor's shoulder. "I've got a big enough bed."
"Does that invite extend to me?" Seb asked, making sure to keep his voice light and playful so his comment could easily be taken as a joke.
Matt pursed his lips as though in thought. His eyes were sparkling with amusement. "I think we could manage that. As long as you don't hog all the space."
Seb blew air across his lips. "Yeah, you're the one who sprawls."
He stood, freeing his two friends and turned to face them, holding a hand out to each of them. "Let's go sleep."
He would have liked to do more than sleep, but he didn't think Matt was ready for a repeat performance of the fun they'd had in the afternoon or that Connor was ready to have his cock sucked. Besides, he was genuinely tired. From the dark circles beneath his friends' eyes, he could tell they all were. Boyfriends. He rolled the word around in his mind, liking the way it sounded and felt.
They took turns in the bathroom before finally settling into the bed. Somehow, Seb ended up in the middle, a place he was more than happy with. He'd stripped down to his boxers and had wrapped the thick quilt around himself to ward off the chill of the night. The heating in the flat wasn't set to run overnight, and the temperature was regularly dropping close to zero outside now.
Matt lay on his side, one arm draped over Seb's chest, his forehead resting against Seb's shoulder. Connor also lay close, his hand gently clasping Seb's. He was still wearing the green T-shirt Seb had loaned him.
Seb listened to the sound of his friends' breathing as they fell asleep. Matt was the first to drop off, his breathing hitching into the occasional rumble of a snore. Connor's breath became slow and regular as he drifted off. Through some subconscious drive, he moved closer, snuggling against Seb tightly. Seb grinned. It was weird knowing that Connor had liked them both in this way without him realising it. He thought back, wondering if there were obvious signs he'd been oblivious to, but there weren't any he could recall. Matt was right, Connor was good at camouflage when he wanted to be. He kissed each of their foreheads. In his mind, he remembered the wish he'd made at the campsite: I want to be happy. Lying between his friends, he realised he was. With that content thought, Seb allowed his eyes to drift shut and his body to relax into sleep.
When he woke, he could still hear the sound of Matt's gentle snoring. It reminded him of the purr of a contented cat. He grinned lazily, staring at the ceiling for several seconds as he soaked in the feeling of having Matt and Connor lying close to him. Matt's arm was still slung over his chest, but Connor had moved far enough away to make Seb's skin cold from his absence. He turned his face to find Connor staring at him, with wide, dark eyes. Both Connor's hands were tucked beneath his cheek. The dim morning light creeping in beneath the window blinds created a sort of halo around his body.
"Morning," Connor whispered.
Seb rolled onto his side. "Morning." He stroked Connor's cheek, though he longed to do much more. "You okay?"
Connor wrinkled his nose. "You two are asking me that a lot lately."
Seb tried to shrug his concern off. "Just checking."
"I know I'm the one who needs babying through this, but I am okay."
Seb rested his hand on Connor's cheek. "Matt needs a bit of babying too."
Connor laughed softly. "That's true. It's nice not to be the only one."
"It's not just the two of you. I'll need a little hand-holding, too."
Connor watched him, silently waiting for Seb to continue.
Seb sighed. He brushed his fingers back and forth over Connor's jaw. "I'm scared I'm not going to be enough for either of you," he admitted. "I'm worried the two of you are going to look to me for all the answers, but I'm pretty sure I don't have them." Saying the words out loud seemed to lift a weight he hadn't realised had been pressing down on his chest. "I'm petrified that I'm going to screw things up. That I'm going to get too carried away. Push too hard. Make one or both of you do something you're not ready for."
He stopped talking when a smile spread across Connor's lips. Connor rested his hand on Seb's bare shoulder. A shiver of delight radiated out from the point of contact, sliding pleasurably over his skin.
"You're more than enough for us," Connor said. "And I know I don't expect you to have all the answers. I doubt Matt does either. We'll find them, together." His eyebrows lifted as he spoke, making his expression earnest. "If you're in danger of screwing things up, so are Matt and I. And maybe each of us will at some point. But we'll help each other through it."
Seb couldn't help but smile along with Connor. His friend's words were exactly what he needed to hear. They acted like a balm to his concerns, soothing them away one at a time.
"As for getting carried away," Connor carried on. "As long as it's mutual, it's not a problem."
"And if it's not?" Seb asked.
"Then you'll stop." Connor stared deep into Seb's eyes. "I trust you both to listen to me and to each other."
Trust. The affirmation made tears of happiness sting the back of Seb's eyes.
"Those aren't the only things I'm worrying about," he admitted. He was on a roll of confessions. Why stop now?
Again, Connor waited, his hand now rubbing gentle circles over Seb's shoulder.
"I enjoy sex," Seb said flatly. "But what if you and Matt don't?" He ran his thumb over Connor's bottom lip. "Sex with a g
uy, I mean. I know Matt enjoys sex with women. But anal sex… it's not something every guy automatically likes. I know plenty who don't. But I do."
He felt awkward talking about it and hoped his words hadn't come across as pressure or assumption.
"Giving or taking?"
"Both." Seb winced. "But especially giving."
Connor inhaled and then blew the breath out slowly. "And if we didn't like it, either way, would that be a problem?" Connor asked slowly.
Seb shrugged. "I'd like to think it wouldn't be."
"Have you dated a guy who wasn't into it before?"
Seb nodded, hating that Connor had asked the question.
"And?"
"It didn't work out," Seb said miserably.
"Because of the lack of sex?"
"Maybe. I don't know."
Connor shuffled closer so their bodies were only a breath apart. "If neither of us like it, I think we have so much common ground that it won't matter. There are plenty of other things we can do, aren't there? And a relationship is more than sex, isn't it?"
Seb knew Connor was right, but the doubt was still there. Talking would only bring things out into the open; time and patience was the only thing that would resolve his concerns. Or not. But he didn't want to think about that.
"It might be something we both love as much as you," Connor said carefully. "Just give us time, okay?"
Seb nodded. He could do that.
Connor's mouth hooked into a nervous smile. "Probably a lot of time in my case. Sorry."
"Don't apologise," Seb said. "Take as long as you need." He cupped Connor's cheek and kissed him. Softly. Slowly. Stopping only because he needed to breathe. "Thanks for easing my worries."
"Any time." Connor stroked Seb's thick, dark curls away from his forehead. "Enjoy this," he whispered. "You deserve to be happy, just like you wished for."
"You remember that too, huh?"
"I wasn't drunk," Connor whispered.
Seb mulled that over. It meant that when Connor had kissed him back, he'd meant it. Wanted it. He remembered how needy and desperate that kiss had been, and now he thought he understood why. To Connor, it would have felt like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
"How long have you wanted more from me and Matt?"
Connor shrugged. "I don't know. It crept up on me. I didn't think anything would ever come of it."
"And yet, when it did, you almost walked away from us."
"I was letting fear control me."
"And now?"
They stared at one another for several seconds, both holding their breath.
"It's time for me to start living. Really living." He'd try to, anyway. His uncertain future wouldn't go away, just because he wanted it to. He ran his thumb across Seb's cheekbone, smiling. "And loving."
"I'm so glad to hear you say that."
"Me too."
"You know…" Seb said, moving his hand to Connor's hip beneath the covers. "Once you let yourself relax with all this stuff, you might end up wanting to move more quickly than you think."
"Maybe."
There was something in Connor's stare that made a shiver run up and down Seb's spine. Don't push, he reminded himself.
"I'd better go take a shower," Connor said. "And take an inventory of Matt's kitchen cupboards."
"I don't think there's much to note."
Connor chuckled. "Probably not." He rolled away and then paused. "I knew he was hopeless, but you haven’t exactly been a good influence on his shopping or cooking habits either."
Seb shrugged. "It's only been a week."
"Uh-huh."
Seb wanted to pull him back into the bed, but he stopped himself. Connor would come to them when he was ready to move on from kisses and light touches, and in the meantime, he would just have to be patient. He waited until Connor had left the room, closing the door, and then rolled over to face Matt. He hugged Matt tight and then closed his eyes, content to doze for a while longer before his growling stomach forced him out of bed for breakfast.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Matt
"Are you sure you don't want me to come back for you?" Connor asked as he and Matt sat in his car. "I don't mind."
"It's okay. I don't know how long I'll be."
Visits to his mum were unpredictable in length, depending on how quickly they disagreed about something. Matt loved his mum, but she'd become overbearing since the unexpected death of his father a couple of years earlier. It was like she was hyperaware of her own mortality and needed everything she'd planned for Matt to happen on her timescale rather than his.
He unbuckled his seat belt and turned to Connor. "You're welcome to come back to mine tonight."
Connor was on his way home. "Not tonight. I've got a crazy early start for work in the morning."
"If you're sure…"
Matt had liked falling asleep next to Seb and Connor. It had felt right and oddly familiar, like it was meant to be. He almost snorted out loud at how clichéd that sounded in his mind.
"Will you come over tomorrow, after work?"
Connor gave him a reproachful look. "You just want me to cook."
Matt gasped and prodded his finger against his own chest. "Me? The thought hadn't even crossed my mind."
"Yeah, right."
"I'd like you to come over," Matt said more seriously. "I'd like to spend more time with you."
"You realise being together doesn't mean being in each others' pockets all the time?"
"I know." Matt grinned. "Does that mean you'll come over."
"Yes," Connor said. "And I'll cook. Say hi to your mum for me."
"Will do."
Matt hesitated. Was this the part where he was supposed to lean over and kiss Connor goodbye? He didn't. He was pretty sure his mum would be watching them out the kitchen window. It was her normal MO. She was definitely the curtain twitcher of the street.
"See you tomorrow," he said and got out of the car.
He waited for Connor to drive off before letting himself into his mum's house. He still had a key, but she rarely locked the front door when she was in.
"Hey, Mum," he called out as he took off his coat and shoes. He put them away neatly. His flat was generally tidy, but his mum took neat to a neurotic level.
She stepped out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a tea towel.
"Good timing, I was just getting dinner out of the oven. You should have invited Connor in."
Theory confirmed. He wondered if she'd be saying the same thing if he had kissed Connor goodbye. Probably not.
He followed her into the kitchen and discovered that she'd prepared a roast dinner, which consisted of enough food to feed half a dozen people.
"There would have been plenty of food for Connor," she said as she motioned for him to sit down. "Or you could have brought another friend with you. You'll have to take leftovers home with you."
Friend. She didn't mean Connor or Seb, though she would welcome them with open arms. She meant a partner. She meant a woman.
"Are you still seeing Beth?" She began to serve him, even though he was capable of doing it himself.
"No. It didn't work out."
His and Beth's relationship had been brief. He could have sworn he'd told his mum they were over the last time he'd visited.
"That's a shame." She sighed. "She was nice."
Nice. Every girl he'd ever brought round had been described as nice once they'd split up. She rarely passed any judgement on his girlfriends whilst he was with them. Not that he'd brought many to Sunday dinner. He had to be dating someone at least a month before he dared to introduce them to his mother.
"It's about time you settled down," she said.
He resisted the urge to look at his watch and check how many minutes had passed or seconds. Their conversation eventually found its way to his marital status, but recently they were getting to that point in the conversation faster and faster. He was pretty sure this was a record.
"You're not get
ting any younger. Most of your friends from school are married with kids."
And there it was. She had a plan for him—or rather for herself—that consisted of children, at least two, though he knew she'd prefer three grandkids.
"Are you seeing anyone?"
He delayed answering by stuffing half a roast potato into his mouth. He took his time chewing it, which wasn't hard, as it tasted like chalk in his mouth. His mum was a great cook, but he doubted anything would be palatable whilst he was debating what to say to her. It felt wrong that he didn't feel he could admit that yes, he was. He was seeing Seb and Connor. He told himself he was hesitating because it had only happened last night. They'd barely begun to figure out what being together meant without telling someone on the outside. Besides, rightly or wrongly, he was worried about how she would react.
He had no reason to believe his mum was homophobic. When Seb had come out in high school, she'd been totally accepting. But Seb wasn't her son, and being gay didn't affect her chances of having grandchildren. If this thing with Seb and Connor worked out, there would be no grandkids. There wouldn't be a wedding either.
If. It still felt intangible, like a dream he might wake up from at any moment.
"No," he said simply. The lie made his stomach lurch. "Work's good."
She narrowed her eyes. "Honestly, Matt, I don't understand why you don't work harder at your relationships," she said, obviously undeterred by his attempt to change the conversation. "You've dated some lovely girls. Surely you could have made a relationship work with one of them?"
He clenched his fork a little too tightly, making his hand shake.
"Relationships take a lot of hard work," she went on. "Do you think it was all roses and romance when I met your father?"
"No," he replied through gritted teeth.
"We had our ups and downs, but we made it work."
"I know. And when I meet the right person, I'll make it work too."
She tilted her head to the side. "I just hope that happens soon, or I might not be around to see my grandchildren grow up."
Matt ground his teeth together, resisting the urge to bite out an angry reply. He didn't need her piling on the guilt, nor did he want to think about her dying. It had been hard enough dealing with his dad's death. The irony was, his girlfriend at the time had dumped him about a week after the funeral because he'd been moping around too much. It had been Seb and Connor, who had helped him through his grief. They'd been unwavering in their support, no matter how dour his mood got. Yet he couldn't bring himself to tell his mum that he might want a future with them, and that made anger swirl inside him.
I Wished For You Page 10
