Resurrection

by Wendy Million

  Jay takes out his phone and dials his wife. Lorcan and Kim are out the door when Jay’s relieved laughter sounds behind me. With a sigh, I wander to the huge windows in the living room facing the ocean. The ebb and flow of the waves lull me into a mindless state. Carys and Lucas will have a good life here.

  Jay calls out that he’s going to get his family. I wave over the top of my head but don’t turn. It’s easy enough to imagine Carys and Lucas here. When I close my eyes, the sun touches my face. The memory of her hand, starting at my shoulders and running along my back until she loops her arm around my waist is so vivid, so real. When I half-turn, I almost expect to see her there when I open my eyes. But she’s not. We’ll never get this moment.

  From my back pocket, I remove the photo of me, Lucas, and Carys I stole from the frame in Lucas’s bedroom before I left. That life already seems so long ago.

  Happy. So fucking pleased with ourselves.

  I trace Carys with a fingertip before I fold it, making sure the crease runs over my face, and slip it into my pocket again.

  Chapter Forty

  Carys

  My heart pounds, and I drum my chipped nails on the metal desk. There are two windows to the right. Outside them is a hallway. People wander past, but they’re faceless, nameless, and none of them distract me long enough to forget why I’m here, what’s at stake.

  Sook is supposed to be coming in with the paperwork for a deal. Anywhere in the five- to ten-year range and she thinks we should take it. Part of me wants to snatch the deal out of her hands and sign it immediately, anything to guarantee I return to Finn and Lucas someday. The other part wants to tear it up and tell them if they listed things I actually did, I’d be a lot happier.

  Happier. What a stupid, stupid word.

  We were so close. So, so close. I press my fingers into my forehead and try to block out those thoughts. That path is gone. Now I have to focus on what I can get, what I can have.

  The evidence and charges they’ve piled on me are unreal. Most of it, I either don’t remember doing or didn’t do.

  Even from the grave, Eric is fucking me over. I’ve been trying to pinpoint when I lost my focus, but between the miscarriages and my renewed interest in Finn, I can’t recall the last time I was focused on the business. I should have quit years ago or stepped away, done something else so this steaming pile of shit didn’t land on me.

  People walk past the room in a steady stream. What is taking Sook so freaking long? There’s no clock, but I’ve been waiting for hours, haven’t I? Out of the corner of my eye, there’s a familiar movement in the hallway. The man is surrounded by bigger, broader FBI agents. This glimpse of something recognizable vanishes when I look close enough.

  This time, I want the scene to be a mirage, a trick of the light. His head is turned toward Sook, but I’d know those shoulders anywhere. Pinpricks dart along my spine, and I stand, my chair scraping against the floor.

  “No,” I whisper.

  Where’s his gun? He shouldn’t be walking around with escorts like this. Shooting people, pulling me out of this room, the two of us fleeing together, those are things he does. Not this. He can’t be here if he isn’t fighting his way through.

  When his shoulders rotate, the handcuffs become visible, and panic wells in my chest. “No.” I go toward the window.

  As if he senses me, Finn turns. His gaze is shuttered, but when we make eye contact, I realize what he’s done. My stomach rolls.

  “No.” I shake my head and shove my hair behind my ears.

  Sook leads him away from the window, and I bang on it, trying to follow them down the hall. “Get him out of here,” I scream, my voice echoing around the room, mocking me. I rest my forehead against the cool glass, my fist banging against the window, and a sob releases.

  When the door opens on the other side of the table, I’m crying so hard I can’t look at whoever has entered. My chest is caving in, and it hurts to breathe. I can’t breathe.

  “Hey.” Finn tugs on me, drawing me away from the window. “Hey.”

  The handcuffs clink, and I throw my arms around him, burying my face into his neck. I can’t stop crying, deep wracking sobs as I cling to him.

  “It’s gonna be okay.”

  “Please tell me you didn’t,” I choke into his ear. “Please tell me you didn’t.” I say the words over and over, but he doesn’t respond, just nestles as close to me as he can.

  “I love you so fucking much.” His gruff voice in my neck restarts the flood of tears.

  “We were happy. We were gonna be happy.” The last word catches on another sob. “I don’t want us to end like this. We weren’t meant to end like this.”

  “You go home today to Lucas. You grab the life we planned.”

  My chin wobbles. “I’m not leaving you here. I won’t leave you here. Please don’t do this. Don’t do this, okay? Don’t do this.”

  He backs away from me, and his cuffed hands cup my cheeks, his pale blue gaze scanning me. “It’s done. It’s already done. If you’d taken their deal, he wouldn’t have known you. A boy,” his voice cracks, “needs his mother.” He brushes my tears with his thumbs and kisses my forehead. “Boys need their mother.”

  I hold in a sob, my chin trembling as I try to keep myself together. Tears stream down my face. “I would have gotten out, eventually.” A voice niggles the back of my brain. He’s right about my relationship with Lucas. He understands from his own childhood. Still this price is too high.

  “But you—” I suck in a deep, shaky breath. “The evidence they have on you.” I stare into his eyes. “You’ll never...we’ll never...” My lips won’t form the end of those sentences.

  “You’ll be safe. Lucas will be safe.”

  “What about you?” I cry, clinging on to him. “I can’t—I can’t—”

  There’s a knock on the door, and over Finn’s shoulder, Sook comes into focus. A man in a suit enters behind her. “Time’s up,” he says.

  “No.” I hang onto Finn. “There has to be something. We can’t. No. We need more time. We need more time.” The words come out broken and garbled, desperate.

  His lips find my ear. “Be safe. Be happy. Raise him up to be a good man. I love you.” His voice is raw, as though even he might be on the verge of a breakdown. Then he steps back from me and tears run in rivers against my cheeks. He stares at me, and agony coats his face. With a tortured expression, he slides his hands along my jaw as he pulls me into one last kiss.

  I clutch onto him, trying to memorize the warmth of him, his scent, the way his tongue glides against mine, his palms warm on my cheeks. Banking each thing, hoping I’ve deposited enough detail for all the days to come. When he draws back, his forehead grazes mine.

  “It would have never been enough,” his rough voice whispers.

  This time when he steps away from me, there’s no hesitation, and when he slips out the door forever, I slide to the floor sobbing.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Finn

  Attachments have never come easy for me. One way or another, people let you down. My father, Lorcan’s mom, Lorcan—all of them fucked me over. Saving Carys is the only time in my life when I’ve let someone down by doing the right thing. This decision feels like shit, so it’s no wonder I’ve never bothered before. Who would choose to have their heart ripped out?

  When I’m called for my first visiting hour at the federal prison, I debate having them tell Carys to go home to her kid. But the only remedy to this terrible ache is likely her, even if the relief happens through a glass partition. I’m weak, so fucking weak when it comes to her. So I travel to the cubicles like a man walking the gangplank.

  Yeah, I’ll feel better gazing into those whiskey eyes. Then when she leaves, my chest will burn a hell of a lot worse. She can’t stay; I can’t go.

  I take the seat across from her, and we scan each other in silence. A frown mars her face, and she picks up the phone. After a second, I do the same. Already a crushing tightness thr
eatens to make talking about anything important impossible. To be sure this is as close as I will ever get to her again is like being repeatedly punched in the nuts.

  “You have a bruise on your cheekbone.” Her hand clenches the receiver so hard her fingers are white.

  I smirk, trying to gloss over her concern. She doesn’t need the details. “You’re not sleeping.” I graze my knuckles across the ugly darkness blooming on my cheek. “Lucas keeping you up?” Her makeup can only hide so much when I know her so well.

  “I’m getting you transferred to a different prison. I have Bradley working on it.”

  “What happened to Sook?”

  “I fired her.”

  I stare at her, tempted to ask why but not sure I want to get into it. The things we can’t bring ourselves to say float around us.

  I shrug. “This place is as good as any. Don’t trouble yourself.”

  “No, it’s not. I’ve been doing research, and I can have you moved somewhere better.”

  With a shake of my head, I shift the phone to my other ear. “I told you to go and be happy. Live the life we planned.”

  “I can’t do that. I won’t as long as you’re in here because of me.”

  “I’m the reason I’m in here. You have no clue the shit I did before you came back into my life.”

  “Sook gave me a copy of the things you pled guilty to. I realize exactly what you were up to, and I’m all out of fucks to give. You think I haven’t understood who you were this whole time? Please. Give me some fucking credit.”

  A chuckle escapes me against my will. “I figured I’d be the reason his first word was fuck.”

  The fire goes out of her, and a ghost of a smile crosses her lips before she whispers, “Me too.”

  We stare at each other in silence. I take in every peak and valley of her face, store it away, but I can’t hold on to her image too tightly. My memory never does her justice. “You can’t keep coming here,” I say.

  “How will you stop me?” Defiance flashes across her face.

  “I’ll refuse to see you.”

  “Are you going to do that?”

  Am I? I should. I really fucking should. “How’s Lucas?”

  “He’s good. On target with his developmental milestones. He’s at the hotel with Lena.”

  “And Jay?”

  Another brief smile. “And Jay.”

  “You’re in Cape Verde now?”

  “We are.”

  “Long flight to be here for an hour.”

  She sucks in a deep breath. Is she surprised I know the length of the flight? “Worth it.”

  “It’s really not.” I lean forward and give her a taste of the thoughts raging inside me. “Every month that passes, our lives get further apart. Soon we’ll have nothing to talk about. You’ll come here so we can sit and stare at each other and remember what might have been, what we used to have.” I sit back, annoyance spilling out. “No thanks. I’ll pass.”

  “That’s not true.” Her voice lacks conviction. Those whiskey eyes connect with mine, and she straightens in her chair. “I didn’t want this. I would never have agreed to this.”

  “Come on, Carys. Did you think I’d let you spend years in prison while your son was out there growing up? The only thing you ever wanted was to be a mother.”

  “Our son, and raising him wasn’t the only thing I wanted.”

  “I understand what it means to miss a mother.”

  “And that’s why I’m not incredibly fucking angry with you.”

  “You’re still angry with me. But I did the right thing.”

  She scoffs. “Oh yeah? This choice doesn’t seem rash and impulsive to you? Ill thought out? You’re telling me you lie awake at night thinking about how right this is? Fuck off.” Her voice breaks. “Don’t pretend like this situation is easy for you.”

  The silence between us is charged as I glare at her, considering every response I could give her. None of them change a damn thing, though. I’m still in here; she’s still out there. Offering her even a grain of hope is wrong. She can cling to her anger. Easier for her to move on.

  “Don’t come again.” I stand and put the receiver on the holder.

  She rises with me and bangs on the glass, but I don’t turn. I can’t. I’ll cave, sit back down, continue in this circle leading nowhere. Doesn’t end, doesn’t get better.

  The guard peers over my shoulder toward Carys, but since the glass is soundproof, whether she’s saying something or has left doesn’t affect me. So tempting to check, one last glance.

  Down the hall and through the checkpoints, my chest grows tighter and tighter the further away from her I get. When we’re at my cell, the guard closes the door, and I lie on my bunk, listening for the lock to click.

  I can’t keep looking back, and I can’t let her either. The future we might have had is gone. The lock on the door tumbles into place. Given enough time, we’ll figure out how to exist without each other. We already did it once.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Carys

  The waves roll into the shore and a breeze kicks up tendrils of my hair. I tuck them behind my ears and run my hand along Lucas’s back. He’s against my chest, snug in the baby carrier, fast asleep. There’s nothing like his skin, his breath wafting across the space under my chin built just for him. It’s a huge comfort to focus on him, to keep his happiness and wellbeing in sight instead of falling apart. The swishing of footsteps in the sand are familiar. The tread of those feet, the ambling confidence, could only be Jay.

  “You all right?” He appears at my shoulder, a comfortable distance away.

  “Just thinking.” A lot of thinking since I got back from seeing Finn. My mind is in a tailspin—has been since he left me sobbing in a heap at the FBI office. Every time I remember he’s in prison forever, I want to burst into tears or throw up. I’m on a rollercoaster, and I can’t figure out how to get off. This tiny little guy pressed to my chest is my stabilizing force.

  “Yeah, I got that part. We’ve been here a few days now. You have a beat on what you’ll do? Are we going back next month? I gotta book the flights early to get the best deal.”

  I shake my head. “No.”

  Finn leaving me in the visitation cubicle stung, and I’ve taken time to process the rejection. Whether or not he likes it, I understand him.

  Jay draws in a deep breath. “I don’t know exactly what he said to you—”

  I give him a wry smile. “Nothing I wanted to hear.”

  I half-turn toward him, and the wind catches my hair again. It flies around me, but I don’t bother trying to tame the strands. “He thinks he doesn’t want to see me. Fine. He won’t see me. He can stew over my absence next time his visiting block comes up, and I don’t appear.”

  Jay digs his big toe into the sand and squints, gazing over the vast expanse of ocean. His light brown skin has grown darker these last few months here. “That’ll set him straight?”

  A hint of a smile threatens at the thought of Finn going straight. “Probably not. But he needs me. He doesn’t want to need me, but he does. I know it. When we’re sitting across from each other, even in stupid prison, I feel it. So he can have his month to cool off, to remember having me in his life is better than being cut off.” I cup my hands under the carrier to ease my back for a moment. “Just as long as doing this doesn’t kill me, too.”

  A squeal flies out the open sliding doors from inside. I glance over my shoulder toward the house. “Sofia is okay with the kids?”

  “She does it all the time.” Jay shrugs.

  My lips tip into an almost smile. “She amazes me.”

  He chuckles. “Sofia. She’s my steel magnolia. Nothing that woman can’t do. Lena is there, too. She just returned from grocery shopping.” He puts his hands in the pockets of his dress pants and lets the silence envelope us for a beat. “I gotta pop over to the casino build soon. You tagging along or staying here?”

  “I’ll come.” I rub another hand against
Lucas’s back, and he makes a snuffling noise as he turns his head to the other side and snuggles in.

  “Did you ever get confirmation about who killed Eric?” I say.

  Jay shuffles his feet. “I can call Demid directly. Might stir things best left to rest. Evidence points to him.”

  Do I need a confirmation? Maybe not. Eric is gone, and he paid for what he did to Demid and his family. He might not have admitted he had Valeriya killed, but I’m confident her baby was his. If he stood any chance of getting me back, he couldn’t let me see what he’d been doing. Doesn’t seem to matter. The truth always worms its way free.

  “No. It’s okay.” I shake my head. “Finn was probably right about leaving that situation alone.”

  Running a hand through my hair, my feet sink deeper, going from the warm dry sand to the cool dampness underneath. “Sometimes I think Demid was the one who sent me the final box.”

  “The confetti bomb?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why would he?” Jay arches an eyebrow.

  I grimace. “I brought Eric to his doorstep.”

  “The choices Eric made were his. You aren’t responsible for any of them.”

  Another breeze kicks up the sand at our feet, swirling it around us. “No luck tracking the courier used to deliver our little joke?”

  He shakes his head. “Dummy company. The courier Lilly listed on the sign-in sheet doesn’t exist. Surveillance cameras were useless because of how the person carried in the box and exited the building. Whoever it was understood what they were doing.”

  “I wish I’d let you tell Finn about the confetti bomb. Seemed so pointless then. A stupid joke we could trace later once the FBI was finished with me.”

  There’s a lengthy moment of silence while we both watch the waves roll into shore. Jay doesn’t bother telling me things would have worked out differently. What would he have done? Would he still be in jail? He wouldn’t have left the threat unanswered. If I’d given him another focus, he might be free.