A Hundred Ways to Love

by Ellie Wade

  “No, we didn’t.” I cover my mouth.

  He nods. “We did.”

  I start to jump up and down, and then I pull Mimi and Liam into a hug. The three of us hold on to each other for a few seconds. I’m so thankful that I got to share this moment, this life-changing day, with these two.

  “I knew your work would go over well,” Frank says. “You’d better get to painting. We need to set up another show.”

  “Okay, I can do that!”

  I tell Frank how thankful I am for him several more times before Liam, Mimi, and I head out.

  “Where should we go to celebrate?” Mimi asks.

  “I know the perfect restaurant,” Liam says.

  I raise my hand in excitement. “My treat! This is, like, the first real money that I’ve made. I still can’t believe it.”

  We hop in Liam’s truck and drive a few minutes to the restaurant.

  “Oh, valet parking. This place must be fancy,” I say as Liam pulls up to the restaurant.

  A nice gentleman holds his hand out for Mimi as she steps down from Liam’s truck. He hands Liam a ticket as another valet drives up in a fancy sports car. I look at the shiny vehicle and can’t help but think that my dad is probably driving a pretentious, midlife-crisis vehicle like that right now.

  It’s then that I hear it—his laugh. I’d know that deep chuckle anywhere. His laughter was a rarity when I was growing up, and the few times I heard it are ingrained in my brain. My eyes go wide when I see him. He’s facing the outside of the restaurant, hunched over a woman. He has one arm around her waist and the other propped against the building.

  My mouth drops open as I watch his lips work their way up her neck until they’re engulfing her mouth in a kiss. He’s always looked like one of those suckerfish on the side of an aquarium when he kissed my mom. I shudder at the thought.

  There’s just one big problem. This woman isn’t my mother.

  The two of them separate and turn toward the car loop where Mimi and I stand, motionless, staring in their direction.

  My father startles when he sees us but regains his composure before his hooker friend even notices he lost it. He continues to hold her hand as he walks toward us. He pauses momentarily as he passes.

  “Eleanora, Mother,” he says with a curt nod before getting in his car and driving off.

  I face Mimi, but no words come. She’s just as speechless as I am, and her face looks so sad. I can understand why. I’d be devastated if that were my son. Then again, I’m equally as bummed that he’s my father.

  Liam asks if I’m okay.

  “I …” I try to answer him, but I don’t know what to say. I reach for my purse and pull out my cell phone. I’m dialing my mom before I know it.

  “Hello?” she answers.

  “Where’s Dad?” I blurt out.

  “Eleanora?”

  “Where’s Dad?” I say again.

  “He’s out of town, on business. Why? Is something wrong?”

  “Are you and Dad still together?”

  “Eleanora, what’s this about?” She sounds confused.

  My voice shakes. “Are you and Dad still together?” I repeat.

  “Of course we are. What’s going on? Are you okay?”

  I slowly shake my head even though she can’t see me. Tears fall down my face. “You gave up everything for him, Mom, and he’s evil. You put him first. You put a horrible person first. You lost me and everything else for a cheater.”

  I hang up before she can respond, but she doesn’t call back, and I’m not surprised. Deep down, I know that he’s probably never been faithful, and though I can’t comprehend her reasons for loving him, I think she’s always known.

  I wrap my arms around Mimi, and she holds me as I cry. I don’t know why I care about my parents. They’ve certainly never cared for me. Yet, somehow, this recent discovery makes everything worse, and my chest aches.

  “I just want to go home, Liam. I’m sorry.”

  The drive back to Elkwood does nothing more than give my anger time to intensify. I’m twenty-three, and I still can’t stop my parents and their horrible lives from affecting me. I can’t fathom why I care. I’m living with my favorite person in the world and dating my other favorite person. I just had the best night of my career, and I can legitimately say that I’m happy. Then, I saw him, and it pulled me back into the darkness. And, now, to know that not only is he a horrible, judgmental, demanding, cold person … but he’s also unfaithful to a woman—albeit a weak one—who gave up everything for him, including me.

  Regardless of how much I don’t want to care about my parents, I still do. No matter how many times I tell myself that I don’t need their approval, I still want it. And I hate that about myself the most.

  twenty

  Leni

  “Fifty-three thousand five hundred twenty!” I shout my guess to the contestant on The Price Is Right. “Two hundred thousand? Are you stupid?” I yell at the man in the television who just gave his Showcase bid. “There’s no way that could be two hundred thousand.” I glare in disgust.

  What a moron.

  “Leni girl?” Mimi questions from a few feet away.

  I mute the TV. “Yes?”

  “Go outside.”

  Her command is said with a sweet tone because Mimi couldn’t be anything but kind, but it still makes me do a double take.

  “What?”

  “Get off the couch, go outside, and get over it.”

  I squint toward her in question.

  “I know you’re in a funk, but, love, enough is enough. You’ve got to stop letting your parents affect you this way.”

  I sigh because I know she’s right.

  “Every day that you’re given on this earth is a gift. You can’t choose who your parents are or how they treat you. But you can choose how you’re going to be in this life. You’re an adult. Are you going to lie around on the sofa, feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to go live?”

  “Live.” I let out a stubborn breath.

  “You know I love you unconditionally, and I’m pretty sure that boy out there does, too. Yet everyone has a breaking point. Don’t push him to his. He’s not who you’re mad at.”

  So, apparently, Mimi has noticed me avoiding Liam for the past few days. I don’t even know why I’ve been avoiding him. It’s true; I’m not mad at him. I’m just so used to shutting down when I feel this way.

  God, I’m so tired of feeling this way.

  “Okay, I’ll go shower.” I pass Mimi and squeeze her hand in thanks. “Love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  My lips automatically turn up into a smile as I make my way out to the barn. I’ve missed Liam’s kisses. I’ve missed Liam, period. I’ve only been in my self-induced pity party for a few days, but it’s the longest I’ve gone without Liam’s company for a couple of months now.

  As soon as I enter the barn, I freeze. Liam’s not alone. In fact, his arms are wrapped around a skinny little blonde’s waist. She steps back from their embrace, and her perky little ponytail sways as she says something to make Liam laugh.

  I can’t even see her face, yet I know she’s beautiful. My heart is pounding; the echoes ring so vibrantly in my ears that it’s all I can hear. I can’t make out Liam and the blonde’s words, but I can see his face clearly, and it breaks me. He’s happy. Whatever she’s saying to him makes him happy. I see the adoration that he holds for her in his eyes, and that realization brings tears to mine.

  Leave.

  Turn around.

  Go.

  I can’t make my legs move.

  How could he do this to me?

  He said he loved me, and I believed him. I’m such a fool, just like my mother.

  Liam notices me, and panic immediately takes over his features. He’s busted, and he knows it.

  “Leni?” he says, concern lining his voice.

  “I can’t believe you,” I say softly with a slow shake of my head.

  I tur
n to leave.

  “Leni, stop!” Liam yells.

  My mind tells me to run, but my damn heart listens to him, and I stop. The sounds of Liam’s footsteps against the ground get louder until he’s right behind me. He takes my arm, and I turn to face him.

  Liam lets out a sigh of relief. “Leni, you remember my cousin, Jenna, from California? You met her once or twice when we were young, I think.”

  My eyes dart to the confused blonde, who waves hesitantly in my direction. I haven’t seen Jenna since I was eight or nine maybe, but I recognize her face. I wave back with a weak smile, too embarrassed to say anything.

  Liam turns to Jenna. “Can you head home? I’ll meet up with you in a bit.”

  Jenna walks out of the barn like a woman on a mission, and I don’t blame her. I’d want to get away from me, too.

  “I’m sorry,” I say to Liam. “I just saw her, and I thought …”

  “I know what you thought.” He sighs. “Listen, I can’t do this.” He starts to leave.

  “Wait! What do you mean, you can’t do this?” I stare at him and can’t believe how much I love him and how beautiful he is to me. My entire body wants to run to him and kiss him until I’m dizzy, but I’ve gone and messed things up again.

  “I need time to think, Leni.” He sounds defeated.

  “About us? Why?”

  He lets out a dry chuckle. “Why? Because I don’t know what to do anymore. I try so hard with you, Len. I love you. I’m patient, supportive. I do everything in my power to make you happy, and you are for a while, but something always happens to pull you from me.”

  He runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “It’s like I’m living in a perpetual cycle of fear with you, always waiting for something to go wrong, for you to run. I love you too much to live every day, afraid of losing you.” He looks toward the direction of his father’s farm. “And Jenna? You thought I was cheating on you? I’ve been in love with you since we were teenagers, and you actually thought that I’d cheat on you? That I had it in me to do something like that? Sometimes, I feel like you don’t see me at all.”

  “I said I was sorry,” I plead.

  “I’m not your father, Len. Not even close, yet I feel like you’re constantly waiting for me to turn into him. I can’t make you love me, and I can’t make you stay. I’m not strong enough to love you, knowing that you’ll leave.”

  “I love you. You know I do,” I tell him.

  “Not enough.” He shakes his head. “You need to grow up some more, Leni. Your emotions are all over the place. Sometimes, you’re this smart, driven artist, and the next minute, you act like an emotionally stunted teenager. I feel like I’ve been fighting with you to love me for half of my life. I can’t do it anymore.”

  I see the conflict in his stare. He wants me right now, just as much as I want him … yet he still turns to leave again.

  “Wait!” Suddenly, everything is crystal clear, and maybe it’s been for a while, but like Mimi always says, I just keep getting in my way. I can’t be my own worst enemy anymore.

  “Listen,” I beg, “I know I’m difficult, Liam. I wish I weren’t. God, I wish I were a normal chick with normal problems, but I’m not. Do you know why I pushed you away that summer at the river when I was thirteen? It’s because, in that moment, I realized I loved you—and not just friend love. I knew that I was in love with you and always would be. I knew that I’d stay for you, and I couldn’t.”

  I move my head from side to side. Liam’s stance softens, and I continue, “You know about my childhood and my parents, but I don’t think you understand how much it truly affected me. I saw my mother turn into this shell of a person, all because she loved my father. I felt suffocated my entire childhood, and I wanted to escape. I didn’t want to let love ruin me, like it ruined her. I was afraid to lose myself. I was afraid to love you. I was terrified of becoming my mother. I’d rather live a life of loneliness than to ever know what it felt like to walk in her shoes. That was my biggest fear. And I realize that all love isn’t like that, and I had a shitty example of what love means. But it’s what I knew. So, I pushed you away to save myself.”

  I take a step toward Liam, and he follows suit until we’re standing right across from each other.

  I hold his hands in mine. “I had this ill-conceived notion that I had to do certain things in life to find happiness. And I needed to be happy, Liam. More than anything. Yet, no matter how much I searched for joy or did things I thought would lead me there, it never came. I did everything in my power to leave Texas, and I still ended up back here anyway. I’ve been trying to be happy my entire life. Yet I’ve finally realized that everything I need has been here all along. The truth is that my heart has always been here, on this farm. It’s always belonged to you.”

  Liam bends and presses his forehead against mine as I continue, “Liam, I loved you before I knew what love was. I loved you then, and I love you now. There is no one on this earth who could ever love me the way you do, and the way you love me is perfect. I’m done with pushing you away. I’m done with running. I’ll never find what I’m looking for anywhere else. I’m destined to live my life in Elkwood, with you, and I’m done with pretending that I’m not.” I cradle his face in my hands.

  He studies me with longing in his eyes.

  “I know I’m hard to love. I know I’m immature and idiotic at times. I get it. I can’t lose you though, Liam. Just give me time to figure out this new normal. I don’t want to be the Leni of my past. I want to be the Leni who is secure and happy and doesn’t let the ghosts of her youth dictate her future. I want to be the Leni who shows you every day just how much I love you. Please believe me.”

  His hands grasp at my waist. “I do, Len.”

  “Okay.” My voice cracks. I pull in a few calming breaths. “So, you don’t need to think?”

  He chuckles softly. “I don’t need to think. I’ve known for a long time that I’d never love another the way I love you. You’ve been my everything, all I’ve ever needed. I simply needed you to feel it, too.”

  “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

  “You were worth the wait, Leni.”

  Liam holds me against him, and I snuggle my face against his chest. I can’t help but think about all the time I wasted, running, searching for something I already had. In that way, I am a fool. I can’t change the past, but I’ll never make the same mistakes again. I truly know this now.

  twenty-one

  Liam

  I feel the tension leave Leni’s body as I hold her. The walls that she put up are gone. She’s finally mine.

  Damn, that feels good.

  I always hoped she’d come around, and despite everything, I believed that she would. Admitting to a life without her was too painful. So, I held on to hope.

  She tilts her head back, and her bright green eyes capture mine, a content smile resting on her lips. She’s so incredibly beautiful, and I know that I’m going to be staring at this gorgeous face for the rest of my life.

  I softly kiss her, slowly moving my lips against hers. Feeling her, tasting her, loving her—it’s all I’ve ever wanted. She threads her fingers through my hair, and a shiver runs through me. I deepen the kiss, wanting more, needing everything.

  Without removing my lips from hers, I walk us back toward the bedroom I had built and shut the wooden door behind us. It’s not much, but it’s clean, private, and here. And I can’t wait another minute to be with Leni.

  Once inside the bedroom, our kisses become frantic. We make quick work of removing our clothes. My hands roam her body as hers return the favor. She feels incredible. Her skin is smooth, and her body is perfect. She slides her palms across my shoulders, down my chest, and over my abs, searing me with her touch. She moans, and I sigh, our bodies quivering.

  Her hands explore below my waist and grab ahold of me just as my fingers find her warmth.

  “Oh, fuck,” I groan.

  “Oh my God,” Leni cries as we continue to pleas
ure one another.

  I’m cognizant of nothing, yet I feel everything. The pleasure extends through every nerve cell, and every inch of my body vibrates with sensation.

  This is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and I never want it to end. My mouth pays homage to Leni’s breasts, my tongue enjoying each of her nipples, as my fingers work below. She starts to shake and rock against my hand. Throwing her head back, she moans into the hormone-induced space. She tightens around my fingers, and I watch as she falls apart. Her head falls back, and she cries out as her body quivers.

  It’s the single sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

  I lay her down on the bed as she comes down from the high. I reach for a condom from the bedside table and put it on. Lying atop her, I take both of her hands in mine and thread our fingers together. Our joined hands rest on either side of Leni’s head on the pillow. I lightly kiss her lips and pull my face away from hers just slightly. Our gazes lock, and I watch her face as I enter her.

  I want to remember this moment and everything about it forever. I’ve dreamed of being with Leni since I was probably too young to be thinking such thoughts to begin with.

  Our eyes remain locked as I pick up the pace. As she bites her lip, Leni’s eyes are hooded, but she doesn’t close them.

  I want to kiss her, but I want to watch her more. Seeing her body’s reaction to our connection is as good as being inside her. Almost.

  Damn, she’s everything.

  We make love. It’s soft and hard. Frenzied and slow. There are moments of unabashed sounds coming from our lips and then seconds where the only noise is our skin hitting against one another. It’s all I’ve ever wanted and so much more than my best dreams.

  It’s with Leni, and I don’t ever want to be with another woman in this lifetime. Now that I’ve had her, there’s no going back.

  Leni’s eyes roll back, and her whimpers grow more intense. I chase my release as she finds hers. And then there’s only pleasure.

  I lie beside Leni on the bed. We’re breathing heavily as we stare at the barn ceiling.

  “Oh my God,” Leni says, breathless.