When Beef Jerky Met Cherries Jubilee

by Lee Pulaski

  “Does that bother you, that my closeness with family is more solid than yours?”

  “Not really. I mean, I envy you just a little, but I kind of like being independent from them. It meant that I was able to find a man and pursue him without siblings and aunts and cousins in the wings pointing fingers and making catty judgments.”

  “You haven’t caught me yet, Mr. Krueger.” Zachary threw Newell a mischievous glance. “I mean, there’s still the possibility I’ll move back to my old place in the village.”

  Newell raised an eyebrow. “That’s a sight I’d pay to see, considering a pair of elderly spinster sisters have the house now. I hear that they were children of the sixties and spent much of their life living in a nudist colony.”

  Zachary tried to keep his body from going into convulsions at the thought of walking into the kitchen and seeing two naked grannies flashing peace signs at him, but an involuntary shiver still managed to escape. “Thanks, Newell. I’m going to have that image in my head all day.”

  “Don’t mention it, cupcake. I always enjoy these casual conversations first thing in the morning, even when they take place in subzero temperatures.”

  “I guess your point in all this—besides making me squirm—is that I shouldn’t be bitching about the distance forming between me and Chad, because it could be a whole lot worse.”

  “Something like that. Remember, there were times you wished Chad wasn’t always showing up at random at your house and your shop. Now you have it. He’ll still come to you for the important stuff, but he needs to find a way to be his own man. Let him go. Not too far, but just far enough to allow him to walk his own path.”

  “I just worry about him. His father hasn’t been in his life since he was a baby, and his mother tends to go traveling on her own a lot. Chad’s mature for his age, but I want to make sure he doesn’t become an unwed teenage father, or worse.”

  “Don’t know if that would happen, but I think Chad will come around eventually. The kid’s got a good head on his shoulders.”

  “I know. Can’t help but miss him, though. Still, I need to focus on something else today. It feels like we’ve turned the corner here, and a killer is about to be apprehended.”

  “I hope so.” Newell looked down at his feet for a moment. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Zach, but you’re easier to get along with when you’re not chasing after murderers.”

  Zachary did a double take. “Um, okay. Do I really get that bad?”

  “You get fixated. Think about it, how many nights have you sat up recently trying to find this killer? Normally, you come home and crawl into bed at a decent hour, unless we’ve been out on a date or something, but…”

  “I get it. I’ll try not to get involved the next time a murder happens.”

  “I don’t want you to turn the other cheek, honey. I just don’t want the search for the truth to overpower you, take control of your life.” Newell put his hand gently on Zachary’s thigh. “I love you, Zach, no matter what you do.”

  Zachary didn’t say anything. He knew the constant investigating was starting to worry Newell. Still, killers were too dangerous to be left on the streets unchecked.

  The silence continued all the way to the Reimer homestead, and when Zachary stepped out of the Jeep, he noticed that the farm was extremely quiet, as well. Almost too quiet.

  Newell’s cell phone rang. He shrugged. “I’ll join you inside in a few minutes.”

  Zachary nodded and walked up to the front door. He rang the bell several times, but there was no answer. He was about to turn away and return to the Jeep when he noticed the front door was open a crack. He slowly opened the door and stepped inside. The silence inside was more deafening than the silence outside. It was like extreme measures were being taken to obliterate the sounds. Zachary wondered if he should wait for Newell, but he went ahead and walked into the main hall. He looked around to see if anybody was going to greet him. It seemed odd at least one person wasn’t there.

  “Rose? Sajen?” Zachary said quietly. No response. Maybe it was time to leave. Something was definitely wrong in the house.

  Then he noticed something in the parlor. Slight movement. Zachary walked slowly toward the parlor and noticed someone in a wooden chair. He squinted to see who it was. It was Sajen. He was tied to the chair and gagged. There appeared to be blood dripping from a wound on his forehead, and it looked like he was emerging from unconsciousness.

  Zachary crept into the parlor, making sure there weren’t any surprises waiting in the shadows, and then he proceeded to untie Sajen, who was still fading in and out of consciousness. What had happened here? Who had done this to him?

  “Z-Zachary? Is that you?”

  “Sajen, what happened to you? Where’s Rose?”

  Sajen shook his head. “I don’t know. I woke up around six o’clock and noticed Rose wasn’t in bed with me. I was coming downstairs to see if Rose was cooking breakfast or something, and then somebody hit me in the back of the head. Next thing I know, I’m looking up at you.”

  “I’ve got this bad feeling that Rose is the next target of our killer. We should probably get out of here and send word to Detective Callahan. I just hope he can find Rose before it’s too late.”

  “It’s already too late—for you, that is.”

  Zachary turned to see Perry standing almost twenty feet away in the hall, his left arm wrapped around Rose, and a gun in his right hand. The gun had a silencer attached.

  “Mr. Gagewood, I don’t know what brings you here, but you couldn’t have picked a worse time to show up here.” Perry indicated Sajen and Rose with the gun. “See, I was about to send these two lovebirds to be together forever in the hereafter, and now I’m going to have to send you as their chaperone, so to speak. It’s kind of a pity. I rather liked you. You seemed to have an intelligence that others folks around here lack.”

  Zachary took a deep breath. “This is a rather bold move for you, isn’t it? The other three victims, there was a purpose, a reason, a motive. Killing Rose and Sajen, what’s the point?”

  “Turns out our grandparents did indeed leave control of the farm and supplemental businesses with Rose. You see, I finally got a glimpse of ol’ Beef Jerky’s last will and testament yesterday afternoon. Guess they felt she’d be the best person to keep their vision in the company—one of fair dealings and making sure everyone is fat and happy.” Perry let go of Rose and motioned for her to join Zachary and Sajen in the parlor.

  “I guess that didn’t please you one bit, because you were hoping to get your hands on the farm yourself after you offed your grandparents. You didn’t count on them leaving it to someone in the family, and you figured it would just sit there ripe for the picking, and Pierre Consolidated would scoop it up when the people in charge of the farm in Osgood and Muriel’s absence sold it.”

  Perry gave Zachary an incredulous look. “Pierre Consolidated? What are you talking about?”

  Zachary folded his arms. “You’ve been unmasked, Remy Pierre.” As Perry gave a shocked look at being found out, Zachary continued, “Oh, yes. It took a little while, but I figured out that Remy R. Pierre is just an anagram of Perry Reimer. After that, it was abundantly clear what the motive was for the murders—buying up businesses and adding them to your little empire.”

  “Not so little, I think you’ll find.”

  Zachary rolled his eyes, thinking Perry probably said the same thing about his penis. “So why kill anyone? Why not just negotiate a deal?”

  “Come now. You know the reputation of the Reimer family in Shawano County. The prince of beef jerky marries a princess connected to an awesome cherry enterprise, and then the two of them work for more than fifty years to build their business into something that would keep them in relative comfort and luxury well into their golden years. I knew my grandparents were wanting to retire, and I figured buying an established business would make me richer than all the smaller companies I was acquiring, so I approached them a few months ago and tr
ied to convince them that selling would ensure they were swimming in money for the remainder of their lives, and they would have none of the responsibility and stress that keeping the business would have. I almost had my grandfather convinced to sell the Reimer company to me, until a certain interloper decided to wreak havoc by telling ol’ Beef Jerky the truth.” Perry indicated Sajen. “Go on and tell him, Big Chief Paintbrush.”

  Sajen gulped. “I told Osgood that Perry’s company looked good on paper, but in truth, Pierre Consolidated has very little in the way of worthy assets. Some abandoned buildings on land with very little property value.” He turned to Zachary. “I’m minoring in business at college.”

  “I needed the profits from the Reimer enterprise to pay for those other businesses I’ve been acquiring. Some of them have turned out to be real lemons. With the cash infusion, I can revitalize those businesses and make something of them. However, in order to do that, I had to get my grandfather to sign on the dotted line, and once he found out my little ruse, he refused to have anything to do with me. I bet the farm on everything, so to speak, and I couldn’t have the deal fall through. That’s when I decided it was time for my grandparents to move on in a permanent way.”

  “You snuck in the house and had them killed,” Zachary said. “The suicide note was a little odd, though. Surely you didn’t expect people to believe Osgood would kill his beloved wife and then take his own life?”

  Perry laughed. “Of course I didn’t. I didn’t expect my grandfather to get the blame. I expected people to pin it on Sajen, and for a while it seemed to work. Unfortunately, what I didn’t anticipate was that someone else had the hots for my grandmother, and when Miles La Rouche discovered the unrequited love of his life was dead, he decided he wasn’t interested in selling his business and retiring, further putting my financial future in peril. Everybody was still looking for Sajen at the time, so I figured they’d still believe he was the killer.”

  “Sounds like there were a lot of things you weren’t counting on. I think it’s safe to say that, no matter what, Pierre Consolidated is breathing its last breath due to your poor foresight.”

  “Really? I doubt it. Nobody else knows about who Remy Pierre is.”

  “My partner does, and chances are that he’s letting Detective Callahan know right now, so even if you murder the three of us, it’ll only be a matter of time before the law catches you.”

  Perry glanced around, like he was expecting the police to come bursting through the door. “Looks like we might have to take this elsewhere. We’ll take your vehicle.” Perry indicated Zachary with the gun. “I can’t go back to being poor.”

  Zachary glanced around, too. Was Newell still on the phone outside? If so, how was he going to warn Newell about Perry? Something had to be done, but what?

  “Shall we go?” Perry motioned toward the front door. “Maybe we’ll go into the woods on the Menominee reservation, where no one can hear the gun shots—or the screams.”

  Zachary took a deep breath as he stepped forward, with Sajen and Rose close behind, and Perry bringing up the rear with his gun pointed at them. As soon as Zachary stepped outside the front door, he saw Newell on the porch, crouched in an attack position. Zachary turned to usher Rose and Sajen aside, and when Perry stepped outside, Newell tackled him. The gun slid off the front porch, and Newell held Perry down.

  Zachary turned to Rose and Sajen, who were both in shock. “One of you, run inside and call the police. We should probably find something to bind Perry with.”

  Sajen and Rose both nodded and hurried inside. Zachary joined Newell in holding down Perry.

  Newell looked at Zachary and smiled. “So are you still wishing I’d stayed at home?”

  In spite of everything, Zachary laughed. This was one time he was glad Newell was right.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Zachary rested his head on the pillow, eager to let sleep overtake him tonight. The killer of Beef Jerky and Cherries Jubilee had been unmasked and taken away, although it would have been nicer to plan something that didn’t involve revelations at gunpoint. Fortunately, no one had been critically hurt. Sajen was taken to the hospital as a precaution because of his head wound, and it turned out he had a minor concussion. Other than that, everyone had made it out unscathed.

  Well, at least physically. Joshua had been furious when he found out Zachary was at the scene with the killer, and when the gun standoff was relayed to him, it almost caused his head to explode. Zachary tried to explain that he just went to the Reimer farm to talk with Sajen and had no idea Perry was there, ready to embark on another murder spree. The detective would hear none of it, however, and told Zachary in no uncertain terms that the next time he was caught interfering in a criminal investigation, he’d be tossed in jail for interfering. It was obvious that, whatever headway had been made to get back to the friendship of days past was completely destroyed.

  Zachary heard the running water in the bathroom cease. That meant Newell had just finished his shower. Neither one of them had really talked about what happened, but Zachary knew it was coming. All of Newell’s worrying and fretting had not been for naught, and it was only by the grace of God—not to mention Newell getting a random phone call just before they’d departed the Jeep—that both were alive to learn from the experience.

  The bathroom door swung open, and there was Newell, wearing nothing but a black towel around his waist. He was smiling, which took Zachary aback. Zachary was expecting a concerned face, or at the very least relief that neither of them had been hurt, but Newell looked like a teenager whose parents were gone for the weekend.

  “How’s my sexy, nerdy bookworm tonight?”

  Zachary hesitated for a moment. “I’m still breathing and upright. Well, maybe not so upright at the moment, but you know what I mean.”

  “I do.” Newell sat on the bed. “I love you so much. I don’t know if I tell you that enough, but I want you to know I’m forever yours.”

  “Oh, good. Here I was all worried you might kick me out, and I’d have to start my man hunt all over again.”

  “You must be feeling better; you’re being witty and sarcastic again. You were so quiet coming home, I thought maybe Perry had actually managed to get a shot off and nicked your voice box.”

  “You’re being awfully okay with this. Newell, I walked into a house and almost met my maker because a murderer was lurking inside. It’s not normally how I unmask killers, and it’s a little unnerving that it would be so easy for me to meet an untimely death.”

  “Zach, that sort of thing could happen to anyone. You could walk into the street and get mowed down by a semi. You could forget to turn on the light as you go into the basement, miss a stair and fall to your death. Life is definitely precious, but you can’t let what happened today keep you from living it. From what I saw in the hall, you definitely handled yourself well.”

  “From the hall? I thought you were outside.”

  “I was, but I finished my call and walked onto the porch. I was about to just walk right in the house when I heard Perry. I slowly crept inside and kept to the shadows. When Perry announced you were going to leave the house with him, I slipped back outside and waited by the door for him to come out. The rest you know.”

  “Have I thanked you for saving our asses, by the way?”

  “You did. Zach, everything turned out all right.”

  “Yeah. Only because our killer turned out to be a few pennies shy of clueless. I mean, who kills their grandparents in order to get their farm and use the money to pay for other companies he’d already agreed to purchase? It’s crazy!”

  “Not so crazy. Creating the persona of Remy Pierre was pretty smart. The only reason you figured it out was because we got to talking about puzzles and stumbled on the idea of his name being an anagram.”

  “Sometimes, that’s the best you can hope for. Granted, I would have rather Perry was just sitting there without a gun when the truth was revealed.”

  “It gives us an awe
some story to tell around town. Think we should call the news media and offer it up?”

  “You might have to be the one to make the call. I think I punked too many of them helping out Anne Marie. By the way, she stopped by The Literary Barn just before I closed up for the night, and she figured out the perfect solution to her problem.”

  Newell looked confused. “What problem?”

  “What kind of exhibit to come up with in the wake of the opening night disaster. Turns out that Sajen has enough paintings stored to fill two art galleries—his ‘failures,’ as he calls them—so Anne Marie is going to let his art stand on its own and see what happens.”

  “Wonderful. That’s a wonderful reversal of fortune for him.”

  “Indeed. Opening reception is next Friday, and I already scooped up tickets for us to go.”

  “Did Anne Marie ever figure out how the hooks in the wall were replaced with crappy, corrosive ones and caused Jasper Walters’ painting to fall?”

  “Yeah. Turns out Perry was responsible for that, too. He was at the gallery that night, but no one else realized it because no one recognized him as an adult. He sabotaged the wall mounts as a way to add a little mystery to Osgood and Muriel’s pending deaths.”

  “More chaos and confusion. It’s strange. He planned the murders so meticulously, but yet he couldn’t do the same for his fledgling business empire.”

  “Here’s my question. How did he manage to sneak into the art gallery and replace the mounts?”

  “He had a key.”

  Newell’s face looked like it couldn’t wrap itself around Zachary’s statement. “How did he get a key? He never met with Anne Marie face to face, did he?”

  “Kind of. Turns out he posed as a member of the construction crew when the gallery was being renovated. Anne Marie told me she got all the keys back once the crew was done, but it turns out Perry got his hands on the key and made a copy. Once the gallery was due to open, he slipped in before opening night and replaced the mounts.”