Not My Heart to Break (Merciless World Book 3)

by W. Winters

  “Of course,” I answer her with my head lowered and look up one last time down the empty sidewalk and then to the parking lot.

  “Do you need me to call security or help?” she offers and I only shake my head. Asking her if she recognized the woman proves she doesn’t. She hadn’t seen her come in and didn’t get a good look at her when she left.

  When I get back to the nurses’ station, still feeling the cold blistering my cheeks, I check the log for visitors, and I recognize most of them. There are no new names on the sign-in sheet and no one named Cami.

  She was here though; I know she was.

  Seth

  The front door opens with a soft creak. It could have been silent and Laura still would’ve heard. She’s waiting for me.

  “Where were you?” The accusation is out of her mouth before she can even lift her head from the back of the sofa to glare at me.

  Guilt-ridden, I close the door behind me and toss the keys onto the entryway table.

  “With Jase and Declan.”

  She grabs the remote from next to her and taps it against her thigh, an agitated sigh leaving as she does.

  “I didn’t mean to be gone so long.” I tell her before she can yell at me, “I felt like shit leaving you here.” I felt like shit there, which is why I took so long. The meds work for pain, but I fell apart the moment I sat down at the estate. Sleep and an IV proved useful for getting me back on my feet. I could have done that here, though. Next time, I will.

  She doesn’t respond, but her gaze softens at least.

  “How are you doing?” I ask as I take each step to her with careful intention.

  “Okay… Work was fine,” she answers, flicking off the television in the middle of a scene. If I had to guess, she wasn’t invested in it. Licking her lower lip, she stares at her socks as she pulls her legs into her chest. “How long have you been home?”

  “Two hours. I couldn’t sleep.”

  “You want me home when you sleep?” I ask her, needing to come up with a solution before she can even finish the complaint. She nods, her chin nestled against her knees. “If I’m not allowed to leave, you should at least be here.”

  “I know,” I agree and fall onto the sofa, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her in. “I know. I’m sorry.” The second she settles her head onto my chest, I kiss the crown of her head. She’s still got her arms hugging herself and is in a huddled ball, but at least she doesn’t seem to be angry. Pulling her in closer, I tell her, “I had a difficult time this morning and it lasted a few hours. I had to decompress for a moment and when I did, I realized I lost track of time.”

  “Where?” Her question isn’t spoken lightly. “You couldn’t decompress here?”

  “I was pretty worked up,” I answer her although I’m hiding a lot of it. I’m still angry. More than angry. The three of those men could die a thousand deaths and they’d still deserve more. The anger I can push down, but damn was I worn out. I felt like death. The doc told me I shouldn’t be pushing it like that, but I have to do what I have to do.

  “You can be worked up and still come home,” she says and her tone is less pissed off and more pleading as she peeks up at me. “There’s beer in the fridge.”

  Before she can look away, back to the blank television screen, I grab her chin between my thumb and forefinger and plant a quick kiss against her lips. “Thank you.”

  Her eyes stay closed for a long moment and she asks before she opens them, “For what?”

  “For not being too mad.”

  A sad smile graces her lips. “I don’t want to fight. I’m finding it hard to be mad these days.”

  I don’t care for how she says it. It shifts something inside me although I don’t know why. “I got you a gift.” I wasn’t going to tell her but seeing her like this, I had to say something to make the smile turn genuine.

  “What is it?”

  “It comes in the mail, so you have to wait.” The answer makes me feel like an ass and when she rolls her eyes, that makes it worse. “It’s flowers. Every two weeks, flowers will come in the mail.”

  “Really?” The interest in her voice and the sweet blush on her cheeks make it worth it.

  “Really.” I add, “They had options for the kinds you like and I picked the wildflower type and roses too. I know you like a mix, but you always smile at the roses too.”

  With sleep in her eyes, her hair still damp from a shower and wearing nothing but my t-shirt and a pair of short shorts for bed, Laura looks up at me and instead of saying a word, she steals a kiss.

  It’s quick and in return I give her a smile; the kind you feel in your chest. That’s all I want. That warmth in my chest, that love from her. It’s fucking everything.

  “Better?” I ask, feeling the weight of the world leave my shoulders.

  “A little.” She bristles and adds, “I still don’t like being alone here.”

  Rubbing my neck with my free hand, the one not wrapped around her waist, I answer her, “I know. It won’t happen often. And you’ll like it here more when you move your things in.”

  I anticipate her arguing based on her initial reaction, judging from the small gasp of protest that leaves her and the way her lips part, but she hesitates and then closes her mouth, opting for a small nod. “Yeah,” she says, stretching forward and then standing. “You’re right. I need to move my things in.” Her tone drops, as does her gaze.

  I don’t know what to make of her reaction. Something’s wrong and off and I don’t know what. She isn’t right. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Fine,” she says as gets up.

  As she makes her way to the kitchen, I see she’s spackled the wall over the hole I punched in it. She cleaned up and that spackle is the only evidence left of anything that started our recent downfall. I hate the numbing prick that climbs over me at the memory of it. I’ll paint it in the morning, getting rid of any evidence at all. Maybe that’s it. Maybe that’s what made her react like that.

  “You want a beer?” Laura asks me and when I move my gaze to her, I get a full-on view of her sweet curves as she bends down, opening the fridge and taking out a bottle of ginger ale in one hand and a beer in the other, holding it up in offering.

  “Yeah,” I answer, readjusting on the sofa. She could do anything, anything at all and it would be sexy as fuck. But offering me a beer in short shorts has to be at the top of my fantasy list now. “No wine?” I question her as she closes the door with her hip.

  “My stomach is messed up. But I’ve got it when I’m ready for a glass.” Her tone is flat and sleep weighs down her eyes. With the ice tinkling against her glass, she sits back down, sipping her drink and passing me my beer.

  It’s quiet as we both have a drink in silence. I fucking hate the odd tension between us. “Are we okay?”

  “What?” She’s confused at first and I simply wait for her to answer. “Yeah, we are.”

  “I just want to feel like we’re okay and something… I want to see you happy.”

  “You’re sweet.” She smiles up at me, squeezing my hand. “When did that happen?”

  “Guess you’re rubbing off on me.”

  “I don’t feel sweet.”

  I lean down to kiss her, just once, a small peck, but keep my nose touching hers. “Still taste sweet,” I whisper against her lips. All I’m rewarded with is a small smile that doesn’t last long. “I know things are off right now, but give it time. Everything will be better. I promise.”

  “You’re making a lot of promises,” she says and her voice is soft, low, and full of doubt. Doubt that wouldn’t be there if we were as good as she keeps saying we are.

  “And I aim to keep every one of them, Babygirl.” That nickname does it every time. Her eyes light up, her lips turn up, everything goes up and everything is better when I call her Babygirl.

  It’s only a flicker though and then she falls back into this state she’s in… It drives me crazy.

  “Tell me what’s wrong. Tell m
e now,” I demand.

  “I just really want to go back to what we were. What we had, you know?” she asks me and the sincerity, the desperation is too much. Her voice cracks and she closes her eyes as she adds, “Can we just pretend to go back and never go through all of this?” She opens her eyes when I don’t answer and says, “I just want to go back to the very beginning. Back to you being on my porch steps.”

  “I never left.” I answer her with all that I have. If that’s what she wants, she can have it and more. There’s an emptiness that she used to fill. Even when I didn’t have her, I could still feel her there. She’s slipping again. I can feel it but I don’t know why.

  Her response is somber as she sets down the glass in her hand. “Right, I’m the one who fucked that up.”

  “Hey, don’t do that. I’m just saying, I never stopped…” I trail off although the words loving you are there. Right there, but I still can’t say it. Not when I feel like there’s something between us and I don’t know what it is. “I was always yours,” I stress. “Whatever else I am in this life won’t ever hold a candle to that flame. I’m nothing if you’re not there, so I pretend you’re waiting for me at that door. It’s how I got through it and I never left. In my head I was always there, so close to seeing you again.”

  I don’t anticipate her crying. She’s not one to be so emotional but the last few days have been heavy and I wish I could find a way to make it right. Fuck, I’m trying. I’m trying to hold us together and failing. As quickly as I can, I wrap my arm around her but she pulls back, resisting me.

  Her words are muffled angrily. “You can’t say things like that.”

  “Like what?” What the fuck did I do?

  “Like your only good side is me, and that you being with me is…”

  “What’s wrong with that?” The beer bottle clanks on the coffee table as I set it down. It’s exasperating; I don’t even know why we’re fighting right now. We should be good. She keeps saying we are but we aren’t.

  “You aren’t leaving me, right? Because it sure as hell feels like you are.” Panic stricken. As I sit here, I am panic stricken and helpless. When did I become so helpless?

  “I asked you to hold me until the end, right?” she asks and her voice gets tight. “That’s all I want. It’s my only wish right now. I just want you to hold me.”

  “Then why are you so sad? I’ve never seen you like this. I can feel that things aren’t right.”

  She falls forward, her head in her hands and this time when I try to hold her, she lets me. Something is off. Something’s so wrong and I can feel it. I know there’s something she’s hiding.

  “Tell me what’s wrong,” I whisper and then add, “I’ll fix it. I promise.”

  “I just want you to hold me, Seth.”

  “I’m so fucking sorry,” I tell her with a ragged voice. I can’t control the emotion inside of me. It’s screaming that I’m losing her even though she’s telling me the opposite. “What can I do? Just tell me; I’ll do it.”

  Seeing her like this wrecks me. She’s not supposed to be sad like this and broken. “I hate myself for putting you through this.”

  “It’s not your fault,” she says and shakes her head, even as the tears fall.

  “It is my fault. It’s all my fault and I’m so damn sorry.”

  She does the opposite of what I expect. She climbs into my lap and holds me. Her arms are around my neck and her head rests in the crook of it. “I love you, Seth King. I love you.”

  Hearing her whisper that calms me, but only slightly. So long as she’s hurting, I won’t be all right and it only forces the aggression to build.

  “With nothing to fix, what can I do?”

  “Just hold me.”

  My phone goes off at fucking 4:00 a.m. Laura’s asleep in the crook of my arm and the insistent buzzing won’t stop. My eyes are burning from the lack of sleep, but I scrub them with one hand as I slip Laura onto her pillow. She wouldn’t let go of me. She won’t tell me anything else either.

  I’ve never felt so helpless with her.

  I’m groggy as fuck and I can barely see as I make my way out of the bedroom and answer the phone although I don’t actually listen to whoever’s on the other end yet.

  It’s pitch black in my hallway but the second I get to the living room, the lights from the porch make getting to the kitchen counter easy enough. I lean on it and hear the muted “You there?” from the other end of the line.

  “I’m here,” I breathe into the phone, finally lifting it to my ear.

  “Are you listening?”

  “I am now,” I answer Declan and take in a deep inhale, my eyes still half lidded as I lean against the counter. “What’s going on?”

  “You said Walsh told you he looked into you and Laura?” he questions.

  “Yeah.” I perk up slightly at Declan’s tone, but I need strong black coffee if I’m going to make it through this. “What’s going on?” It’s hard to shut off the thoughts about Laura and just focus. I can’t get over this nagging feeling that everything is wrong.

  “There’s no alert, Seth.” My eyes open at what Declan just told me, staring at the coffee maker with the mug in my hand.

  “Walsh said he didn’t know about Laura and me until recently.” I repeat the conflict out loud, “But you don’t have an alert that he searched my name?”

  “Right.” He adds before I can ask, “Or Laura’s.”

  “So go farther back with the dates on the system.”

  “I did that already. I searched for a month. Bethany was curious about you, by the way.”

  That part doesn’t strike me as odd. I bet she hates me for putting Laura through all of this too. So long as she doesn’t tear her away from me, she can hate me all she wants. That makes two of us.

  “Check his work computers. The computers that aren’t registered. Maybe it looks like someone else.”

  “No. No one looked up Laura other than Bethany until Laura was arrested. Not a soul. I wanted to do the search to see if we got any hits. There’s no search for her or any information regarding you that included her.” I’m silent, still trying to process what all this means and Declan keeps talking.

  “It hit me a bit ago that Walsh told you he did. He said he looked you up. I never got an alert. He’s lying.”

  “Could have been a paper trail?” I ask although that’s unlikely. A chill runs down my arms as I hit the button to brew a pot of coffee. Why would he lie about something like that? It doesn’t make sense.

  “No. I looked into the police transcripts in your hometown. Nothing has been moved or requested.”

  “Either he already knew or he figured it out without searching online, and if that’s the case, who did he talk to?”

  “We have eyes on all our men. We’ve had eyes on Walsh. He hasn’t seen anyone.”

  “I know. No one who knows would have told him shit.” I don’t know what to make of it all.

  He tells me firmly from the other end of the phone, “My instinct is that he’s lying. I think he knew about you and Laura all along. He went to her work, he befriended her.”

  “So he’s playing us?” I can practically see Declan nodding the way that he does before he says, “Yes.”

  “And to think I’d just started to come around to him.”

  “You’re a liar. You don’t like that prick.” I huff a short chuckle at Declan’s response. Bringing the coffee to my lips, I take a long sip before asking, “So what do we do about it?”

  “That’s why I’m calling you. I thought you’d want to take the lead on this. Get ahead of it.”

  “Another gift?” I question and make my way to the sofa, taking a seat. Before he can answer, I tell him, “I told you, apology accepted, it’s all behind me.”

  It’s quiet for a moment before he asks, “You sure?” Thinking back to the barn, I flex my hand and then crack my knuckles.

  “I’m sure.”

  “Still,” he says on the other end of the l
ine, “what do you want to do about Walsh?”

  “He knows more than he’s letting on. We all do. We keep our cards close. I don’t trust him and I want him gone as quickly as we can get him out of here.” I think out loud, “Marcus is supposedly leaving, maybe Walsh goes with him. I don’t want anything to do with either of them.”

  “They both have their sights set on you. The question is, why?”

  Laura

  Life is an oddity when you’re waiting to see a doctor who is, more than likely, going to inform you that your death is coming shortly. The days blur together because every so often time pauses while you remember, and then it goes on, but in the back of your mind you’re caught in that thought.

  It’s a constant. I can’t shake it and it’s wearing away at me. To the point where I made the damn appointment, even though I’d rather just hide. I’d rather pretend I don’t know that I have heart failure. Apparently I’m shit at pretending.

  “Hey, it’s just a checkup,” Bethany says sweetly beside me and I smile as she pats my shoulder. She does a little circle with her hand and then pats me once more in finality.

  “Haven’t you ever heard, doctors make the worst patients… and nurses aren’t much better,” I joke back at her, forcing myself to be the person she knows me to be. That’s the way I’ve been with Seth too. I think they both see through it. I wish I was a better liar for their sake.

  The waiting room is virtually empty. It’s just us in the back row of these rather uncomfortable seats, closest to the magazines. There’s a pregnant woman a row up. She’s been on her phone the entire time; her hand is rubbing circles over her belly. It’s calming to watch.

  A single laugh is belted out by Bethany in response and then she flips the page to her magazine. “Speaking of that, I need to schedule a checkup too.”

  “Ooh, hypocritical much?” I taunt her.

  The magazine makes a slapping sound as she tosses it down on her lap. “You look like you’re going to an executioner, not a doctor.”