No Looking Back

by Kate L. Mary

  We were both panting by the time we reached the gate that led out of the settlement, where we had to stop and wait for it to be opened.

  There were five people on duty at the moment, all of them armed with an abundance of weapons. Knives, a couple machetes, handguns and rifles, and even a crossbow. If a few of the dead found their way to our gates the guards would be ready to take them out quietly, using blades and arrows or anything else they could get their hands on that wouldn’t draw attention to the settlement. However, they were also ready if something bigger happened. A horde that couldn’t be easily taken out or, God forbid, a group of other survivors who didn’t want to play nice. It hadn’t happened yet, although we’d had some not so great people show up, but we knew from experience that we had to plan for any possible scenario if we wanted to keep the settlement safe.

  Devon was on guard, and as the gate swung open, letting out a low groan, he didn’t try to hide the way he was sizing Landon up.

  “You heading out to scavenge or hunt?” He puffed his chest out like he was trying to make himself bigger, but at four inches under six feet, he seemed small and childish compared to Landon’s six foot two frame.

  “Neither,” I said as I passed him, nodding for Landon to follow. “We have someplace we need to visit.”

  “You need me to go, too?” Devon asked. “You know, for backup.”

  I tried not to roll my eyes at the ridiculous offer, but it was difficult to control myself.

  “No, thanks. This is personal. I’m sure you understand.”

  Devon pressed his lips together like he was trying to hold something in, but nodded.

  “Thanks, though,” Landon said.

  “Be careful out there,” Bill, a friendly man in his forties said as we passed. “We’ve spotted a few big groups of the dead in the area lately. Now that things have thawed out, they’ve started traveling together.”

  “I’ll keep an eye out,” I said, giving the other man a smile.

  The other people at the gate—Trish, a buxom girl who was barely 20 and possibly Devon’s only other chance for love, Matt, and Sidney—nodded as we passed, but said nothing, which I was thankful for. I was positive Devon had spilled the beans about my connection to Landon and eventually people would be asking questions, and it was a relief to be able to avoid them for the time being.

  Landon and I headed off, walking side by side across State Route 571 on our way to State Route 48, which ran through the center of town. It also happened to be the street Landon grew up on, in an old house on the north side of town that had at one time belonged to his grandparents. His mom and dad had still been living there when the virus hit. It was where they’d raised their kids and ultimately where they’d died, and in my own head had turned into their tomb.

  Landon broke the silence just as we passed the white building on the corner that had once upon a time been the West Milton Inn, but had been empty for almost as long as I could remember. “This is going to be bad, isn’t it?”

  “It is,” I said, “I’m sorry. When I found them, I wanted to bury them, but things were too chaotic. I was still searching for somewhere safe and felt like I was constantly looking over my shoulder. By the time things settled down, it was just too…”

  Gruesome was what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want Landon to think about his parents rotting in their house, even if he would see it for himself very soon.

  “I get it.” He looked my way, not slowing, and studied me for a moment with those deep, brown eyes I loved so much. “You don’t have to justify yourself to me, April. I know you did everything you could.”

  “Too bad there was very little I could do.”

  “That goes for all of us.”

  We went back to walking in silence, and questions once again hanging over my head, but more than that were the words I’d wanted to say to him for the past five years. They were pushing their way up, tickling the tip of my tongue, and as much as it terrified me to bring it all up, I wouldn’t be able to keep them inside much longer.

  I was right, and we’d only passed two more houses when they burst out of me. “I need to say I’m sorry. About what happened between us. How it ended. I’ve hated myself every day since then and I need to tell you how much I’ve regretted it all.”

  “It’s not a big deal.” Landon glanced toward me but didn’t slow.

  “It is, though.”

  “No, April, it’s not. It’s in the past, and there’s no point in looking back now. All that stuff we thought was important back then just seems stupid now. Pointless.” He gave me another crooked grin. “We just need to focus on now and the future, and how we’re going to keep surviving.”

  “I know,” I said, “but I need to know you forgive me, Landon. I need to know.”

  He stopped walking finally and turned to face me, the smile still on his face. “I forgave you a long time ago. It’s me I’ve had a hard time forgiving.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I was stupid. I never should have let you go. Especially not for a damn job.”

  “I should have gone anywhere you asked me to.”

  “Well, let’s just agree that we were both idiots and go from there, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said. “No looking back.”

  “No looking back,” he repeated.

  Landon held my gaze for a moment longer before nodding once, and then we started walking again.

  Chapter 5

  The walk to Landon’s childhood home was short, but when we reached it, instead of going in, he stopped on the sidewalk and stared at the place like he was seeing it for the first time in his life.

  “It looks so rundown already,” he said, his focus still on the house.

  The once carefully maintained lawn was overgrown with weeds, as were the flowerbeds Landon’s mom had lovingly tended for as long as I could remember. His parents had always taken good care of the house, and that hadn’t changed with age. Even after we broke up and he moved to California, I would drive past the house and marvel at how neat it always looked.

  “I can’t imagine what it will look like a year from now,” Landon murmured, “or five years.”

  “Nature will slowly start to reclaim everything,” I replied, looking around at the neighboring houses whose front yards hadn’t fared much better.

  Only eight months had passed, but already I was able to get a glimpse of what was to come. Fall leaves, usually raked up by diligent homeowners, littered the streets and yards, and branches that had been ripped from trees by the multiple storms we’d had during fall and winter were scattered around. In yards, on roofs, and in the road. There was no one left to worry about picking them up, and that wouldn’t change any time soon. A year from now there would be twice as many, and more would join them with each passing year while around them the houses would slowly deteriorate. In five years the hometown I loved would look like a ghost town, and in ten it would probably more closely resemble a wilderness than a place people had once lived, laughed, and loved in.

  “Nothing will ever be the same,” I said.

  Landon nodded twice as he sucked in a deep breath, and when he had blown it out, he finally moved toward the house.

  I followed close behind, my gun out and ready just in case, and my heart pounding out a rhythm that reminded me of the theme song from Jaws. He had to do this, I knew he did, but I also knew that what awaited him would haunt his dreams.

  Maybe stopping him was the right thing to do. It would spare him some of the pain if he didn’t have to see what had become of his parents.

  Landon had just pushed the front door open when I called out, “I don’t know if I should let you do this.”

  He looked over his shoulder, his hand still on the doorknob. “I have to see them.”

  “But—” I swallowed. “What happened to them… It’s not something you can unsee, Landon.”

  “Why?” His brown eyes searched mine for answers, and what he saw must have scared him, because he closed his eyes and let out
another deep breath. “They didn’t just die of the virus, did they?”

  “No,” I whispered.

  He nodded twice, and when he opened his eyes again, he was already turning toward the door.

  He stepped inside without a word and I followed, dread pooling in my stomach as I did.

  The living room was much the same as it had been every other time I was here, although a lot more dusty. The couches and chairs, tables, television, and pictures were all untouched. Even though the other rooms weren’t visible, I knew the kitchen, bedrooms, bathrooms, and garage hadn’t been spared. Our group had raided every house in town, one at a time until we’d gathered every item that could possibly be useful. I’d purposefully avoided coming in here, but I’d been out on the street when the other survivors went through it, and knew they hadn’t touched the bodies. I’d specifically asked them not to, even though we’d discussed it before we’d started raiding the houses. As nice as it would be to bury the dead we found, we’d decided we couldn’t spare the energy. Their homes would be their final resting places, and in a way, it felt even more respectful than taking the time to dig a hole.

  “They’re upstairs,” I told Landon, keeping my voice low so it didn’t echo in the unnaturally quiet house. “In the bedroom.”

  He moved to the bottom of the stairs, but paused before heading up, just like he had out front. This time, his body seemed tense, almost like he was made of stone.

  It was only for a moment, though, and then he was moving, the old wooden stairs creaking under his feet and his steps pounding through the empty house.

  I stayed close but remained silent. I didn’t want him to be alone, but I also knew he needed to process all this internally before he could talk it out. It was how he’d always been, and as much as the world had changed, I doubted that part of him had.

  We reached the second floor and found the door to the master bedroom shut. I’d left it that way the last time I was here, wanting to respect the final resting place of two people I’d known for as long as I could remember. Obviously, whoever raided the house had felt the same.

  Landon stopped outside the door, but didn’t look back at me. “How bad is it going to be?”

  “Bad,” I said, my voice barely over a whisper.

  In the quiet of the house, it sounded abnormally loud when Landon swallowed. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

  I counted to myself silently, waiting for him to say something else or move to open the door, but he didn’t. When I reached thirty and Landon still hadn’t said or done anything, I stepped forward and took his hand. His skin against mine after all these years was exhilarating. Familiar and yet so different. It was like coming home to find everything and everyone I’d ever loved waiting for me.

  He looked over his shoulder without turning his body, and I gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

  “I’m here with you.”

  “Thank you,” was all he said before pulling his hand from mine and reaching for the doorknob.

  The hinges groaned in protest when he pushed the door open, and my body stiffened the way it did when I was bracing myself for an impact. The stench of decay was the first thing I registered. It had eased over the months and compared to the overwhelming stink of the zombies roaming the world, it seemed mild. Almost nonexistent, even.

  Once my brain had adjusted to the smell, I found my gaze moving across the room. It was as I’d left it. The queen size bed Landon’s parents had shared sat in the middle of the room, directly in front of the door, and the two figures, which were covered in a crisp white sheet, were still lying side by side on top of the bed. It was the headboard and wall that drew my attention, though. Or, more specifically, the splattering of blood and brain matter.

  “Oh, my God,” Landon muttered just before his legs gave out.

  He fell to his knees only one step inside the room and I followed him down, landing at his side, my hands on his shoulders, which were already shaking from the power of his sobs.

  Landon covered his face with his hands and sobbed into them. “What did he do? What did he do?”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

  My vision was cloudy from my own tears, but the sight of the blood—now faded to an earthy brown—seemed to penetrate the haze no matter what I did. Tears carved trails down my cheeks as I cried, my arms wrapped around Landon’s shoulders, his body shaking against mine. His sobs were silent but powerful, and I was struck by the sudden realization that in all the years we’d known one another, I’d never seen Landon cry. He’d gotten teary-eyed when we broke up, but he hadn’t allowed himself to cry—at least not in my presence. Now, though, he was sobbing. It was the only way to describe the violent way his body shook as the tears of agony forced their way out of him.

  Fifteen minutes—or more—passed before he was able to calm himself down enough to talk, and when he finally did, he twisted out of my grasp so he was facing me.

  “It was my dad, wasn’t it? He shot her and then shot himself.”

  “That’s what it looked like,” I said. “He was holding the gun.”

  My gaze moved to the bed and a shudder shook my body as I remembered the day I’d discovered them. The bodies hadn’t yet begun to stink, and the blood on the wall still bright red and shimmering in places where it hadn’t yet dried.

  “I covered them with the sheet. It was all I could do.”

  “Thank you.” He swallowed and looked toward the bed. “Why did he do this?”

  “I can’t answer that for sure, Landon, but I’d guess it was because he knew they were both going to die. Maybe he even knew about the zombies at that point and wanted to spare them both the misery. Maybe your mom was suffering and begged him to do it, and once he did, he couldn’t live with himself. We’ll never know for sure, but you and I both know your dad wouldn’t have done something so drastic unless he thought it was necessary.”

  “No,” Landon said, “he wasn’t impulsive.”

  My hand was still on his arm, and I was very aware of the way his bicep flexed under my fingers every time he moved. I’d never stopped loving Landon, had never seriously dated or cared about anyone else, and having him back was like an answer to a prayer I hadn’t even dared utter to myself. He was the same handsome boy I’d loved for all those years, but he was rugged now, too. The beard made him look more mature, as did his skin, now weathered from hours in the sun and weeks on the road, but no less attractive. If anything, I found this new Landon twice as desirable. Even more than that, there was something about his vulnerability that made me want him the way I’d never wanted him before. I wanted to comfort him with my kisses, to pull him against me and hug him, to take away all his pain.

  As if reading my mind, Landon looked up, and his gaze captured mine. His brown eyes swam with hurt and grief, but there was another emotion in them as well, one I was familiar with even after all these years apart.

  “April,” he whispered, my name coming out as little more than a sigh, and then he closed the distance between us and captured my lips with his.

  Chapter 6

  It was like going back in time, the way his mouth moved over mine, the way his hands ran up my spine, his touch as light as a feather and as gentle as a caress. In seconds, I forgot everything horrible that had happened. Forgot about that awful day five years ago when we’d said goodbye for good, forgot about all the death and blood the virus had brought to this world, and the zombies roaming the streets.

  There was nothing but Landon and me. Nothing but his hands on my face and his tongue moving over mine, or the soft lips I’d thought I’d never again get to kiss.

  And then, as suddenly as it had started, Landon pulled away.

  I was out of breath, and so was he, and my mind was spinning from the passion I’d forgotten could exist, making it difficult to think straight, but the regret in his eyes was something I never could have missed.

  “What?” I asked, breathless. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
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  “I don’t know.”

  Landon scooted back, putting distance between us, but didn’t get to his feet. His gaze had moved back to the bed, causing shame to rise up inside me. Still, though, I couldn’t regret the kiss. The timing had been awful, but I’d needed it. Needed to feel this man again and feel the kind of passion he brought to my life, because it was stuff like this that would keep me going no matter what. No matter how bad things got, no matter how dire the circumstances, I could weather them as long as I knew somewhere out there people could still feel alive and loved. Could still hope. Could still have a real future.

  “I’m sorry.” Landon broke the silence first, his brown eyes still focused on the bed where his parents’ bodies sat. “I just got carried away.”

  “The timing was bad, I get it. I just—” I swallowed. “We can talk about it later.”

  “Yeah,” he murmured.

  I started to climb to my feet, but hadn’t made it up when Landon said, “I don’t know how I feel.”

  I froze, on my knees in front of him, my heart pounding in my chest. “About me, or about your parents?”

  “Both.” He looked up at me, his eyes swimming with sadness and confusion. “They wouldn’t have lived, but it still hurts knowing this is how they went out.”

  “I can’t imagine,” I said, which wasn’t true. I understood because his parents had been like a second set of parents for me.

  “And things between us…” Landon blew out a long breath. “So much has happened, and not just with the apocalypse.” He looked down. “I was engaged.”

  A spike of jealousy lodged itself in my stomach, and I had to force myself to say, “Engaged?”

  Landon nodded. “It was recent. I proposed to her only a month before things got really bad. I told my mom not to tell anyone back home because I wanted to come here and let people know myself.” He lifted his gaze from the floor and gave me a sad smile. “I was going to tell you in person.”