Out of the Shallows

by Samantha Young

  Stunned, my voice was husky with emotion. “I never knew you felt that way.”

  “Because it sounds silly. I’m a grown-up. We’re supposed to stop hero-worshipping and putting people up on pedestals after the age of ten. But you bounced back from Jake, and yeah, you were different, but you were strong still and you were my sister again. I just didn’t want to lose that. So I pushed my opinion on you and I let Dad’s overprotectiveness about the whole thing fuel my opinion and somewhere along the line, I forgot to trust you. Our argument was my fault. You shouldn’t have handled it the way you did but I shouldn’t have tried to make you choose between the people you love. It put you in an impossible position, Charley. I told Dad that too.” She smiled. “I think he may even have listened. So if Jake is the guy for you, I promise I’ll support you on it. I promise I’ll trust you.”

  I blinked rapidly against the tears. “It doesn’t matter now.”

  “Of course it matters. You just told me how you treated the guy these last few months and still he was there for you—he helped get you here. For that alone, I’m willing to give this kid another shot.”

  “Didn’t you hear me earlier? I promised God I wouldn’t be with Jake if He saved you.”

  Andie reached for my hand and I squeezed hers in return, so grateful for her forgiveness. “This irrational fear of yours that if you break your pact with God something bad will happen to me, it’s not uncommon. I read about these kinds of fears in my research. Men who lose their fathers at a young age often have a crippling belief that they themselves won’t live past the age their fathers were when they died. People who offer to sacrifice something to God if He’ll save a loved one is a common occurrence. When the loved one lives, the person often believes that God held up His side of the bargain. They then sacrifice what they promised for fear of reprisal. These kinds of beliefs and fears seem beyond irrational to other people, but they can take such a strong foothold that people make choices around it that they shouldn’t.” Her grip on me tightened. “You stopped going to church when you were old enough to decide whether you had faith in God or faith in the people around you. You told me that for now, you’d stick with people because they had proven themselves to you and so far God hadn’t. Listen to me when I tell you that I woke up from that coma because I wasn’t finished here.” Her eyes shone bright with tears. “I need you to have faith in that, and not in some deal you made with a deity I’m not even sure you really believe in.”

  I brushed at the tears falling beyond my control. “I don’t know if it’s that easy. These last few months without you have been the hardest of my life, and now I’m just terrified of losing you.”

  “Getting through that fear… it’s not going to happen overnight, Supergirl. This is the first time we’ve talked in months. It’s going to take time. But we’re going to make time.” She moved and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged my sister tight. “You’ll find yourself.”

  “What if I can’t get back to who I was?” I whispered.

  “You won’t because it’s not about going back. It was never about going back. It was about doing something, anything, but standing still. You did that. You came to me even though you were petrified of the outcome. So now… it’s about moving forward and growing up.” She kissed my forehead. “It sucks at first, but it gets better.”

  “So I talked with my Mom and Dad about careers.”

  Dr. Bremner gave me a nod of encouragement. “And?”

  “It went well, actually. We compromised. I study law next fall. When I graduate, we’ll talk about the police academy again and whether they’re comfortable with the idea.”

  After finally getting up the nerve to face my sister, I went home to Lanton with Andie for the weekend. I swear to God the distance between my dad and me melted as soon as I walked in the door with my sister at my side. He hugged us tight, relief and pride back in his eyes. Mom was much the same. As a family we sat down and talked everything through with honesty and as much calm as we could muster.

  It wasn’t all tied up neatly in a bow. Andie had forgiven me but she was still mad it had taken me so long to come check on her. And she had every right to be angry. I was still a little pissed at my dad for the way he’d treated me and after I explained everything I’d been going through, he and Mom had guilty looks on their faces. Especially when Andie told them it was Jake who’d helped me work it out. I’d tried to tell my dad at his auto shop that day, and although it made him ease up on me, he hadn’t gone out of his way to help me work it out. He expected me to do it alone because that’s who he thought I was. That’s who I thought I was too.

  But over the last few months, Andie and Dr. Bremner, her colleague, had shown me that it didn’t make me weak to ask for help from friends and family. It didn’t make me any less of a person.

  Andie had talked me into seeing a psychiatrist because she thought it would help me organize my thoughts and realize what it was I wanted out of life. Dr. Bremner and I were taking it step by step and had spent time talking about my career. She didn’t just take my word at face value—she wanted me to dig deep so I’d know for sure if giving up the academy was something I could live with in the long run. I was willing to do what it took to give my family peace of mind, but I also wanted a career that would make me feel less powerless. Because Andie was right in the end. I had a crazy savior complex and it needed an outlet.

  I passed the LSATs with flying colors and was accepted into law school at the University of Chicago. A few weeks ago Andie invited me to stay with her and Rick for the weekend and they had Rick’s friend over for dinner. He was a public defender. He didn’t make the kind of money I’m sure my parents would want me to make after paying for such an expensive education, but this guy was so passionate about his job, that aspect of it didn’t bother me. He said it came with good and bad. It was hard to defend people who were guilty of heinous crimes no matter if you were a public defender or working for a private law firm, but it was balanced by the fact that he got to help people in impossible situations and maybe give them a second chance.

  It was another viewpoint I hadn’t considered.

  And that’s when I really started to think. The smart plan for me was to get a law degree, do the internships, and then decide what I wanted to do with my life. It was three years away, and anything could happen in three years. However, I was also not quite ready to give up on the idea of the academy.

  So Andie had accompanied me for moral support last weekend while I discussed the possibility with my parents. They still felt uneasy about it but agreed that they wouldn’t know how they’d feel about it in three years’ time, either, and we could talk about it then.

  “How do you feel about that?” Dr. Bremner said. “Does the uncertainty make you uneasy?”

  “Not anymore. I’m learning patience.”

  She smiled. “Good.” Her eyes flicked to the clock. “That’s time.”

  I stood up. “I’ll see you in a few weeks?”

  “In a few weeks,” she agreed. “Perhaps we can finally talk about Jake.”

  My breath whooshed out of me at the thought. “Okay,” I said quietly.

  I felt a little off balance as I wandered down the hall to my sister’s office. The light outside her door wasn’t on, which meant she didn’t have a patient.

  She sat behind her desk in the corner of the room, her back to the floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out over the Streeterville area of Chicago. Her office was cozy and comfortable compared to Dr. Bremner’s clinical one. Andie had a fat, comfy fabric sofa for her clients while Bremner had a black leather chaise that squeaked with the slightest movement.

  My eyes strayed to the framed quote behind Andie’s desk.

  It sucks at first. But it gets better.

  I thought the words she’d said to me all those weeks ago were so fitting for her job that I’d had them printed on thick white paper in embossed dark gold and framed for her office. I wasn’t sure if she’d actually hang it, but it we
nt up right away. She said it was the first thing her clients saw upon entering, and most thought it funny.

  “That time already?” Andie said, looking up from her laptop.

  “Yup. You ready?”

  “Give me two minutes.”

  I visited Chicago every three weeks to talk to Bremner and afterwards, Andie drove us to Lanton to spend the weekend with our parents. It wasn’t a permanent thing but I think we both felt we needed to do it to return our family to some kind of normality.

  We arrived in Lanton a few hours later and walked into our parents’ house, greeted by the magical aroma of brisket and steamed veggies.

  Sitting at dinner, I noted that the grim quality in my father’s eyes was gone now. There was still something weighty in his expression and I don’t think that would ever go away. He’d come close to losing a kid and I think he and Mom would carry that with them always. But they were both doing so much better, and Mom no longer visited the cemetery to find understanding from her dead mother. I saw that as a plus.

  “I’m sorry Claudia had to cancel this weekend,” Mom said after passing around the broccoli.

  I almost sniggered at the thought of my love-struck friend. “Well, Beck’s band is playing a popular bar in Evanston and she likes to be at his gigs to keep the groupies away. They’re starting to really make a name for themselves in Chicago.”

  Dad frowned. “If they hit it big, she’ll have to learn to deal with that. She better think on it carefully—I don’t want her to get hurt.”

  I felt warmth in my chest over my dad’s concern for my best friend. Her parents were never going to provide that for her, but I was glad she had a good substitute. “She has. It makes her uncomfortable, but she’s willing to deal with it for Beck.” I snorted. “He told her she had nothing to worry about. He convinced her with his usual hard-to-say-no-to charm.”

  Dad shook his head, smirking. “He should teach that stuff.”

  My dad liked Beck. He’d gotten to know him a little when they joined my family for Christmas. Dad liked the way he was with Claudia and was just as susceptible to his easy charm as everybody else was. But it was more than that. The death of his father had made Beck a little grave. He seemed to have an understanding of what was important and how little time we have to appreciate it. An air of maturity floated around Beck that hadn’t been there before, and my dad liked it.

  I chuckled. “He’s only speaking the truth. It’s hard to compete with someone like Claudia.”

  “Yeah, but if they get famous, they’ll get the crazy girls who don’t care how beautiful a rocker’s girlfriend is or how much in love with her he is. They’ll do anything to get in his pants,” Andie warned.

  “I know. And Claudia knows that. But she trusts Beck and so do I.”

  And that was a good thing now that he and Claud were a package deal. They alternated weekends at each other’s apartment, so I saw quite a bit of him. When Claudia was in Chicago for the weekend, I hung out with Alex and friends from college.

  I didn’t hang out with the rest of The Stolen. For obvious reasons.

  I talked to Lowe on the phone occasionally and caught up with the guys’ antics through him and Beck. And also through Jake.

  Jake and I emailed one another now. We hadn’t spoken on the phone and we hadn’t seen each other since San Francisco, but we hadn’t completely let go of one another yet, either.

  It started with me. I knew I wasn’t ready to deal with our relationship or lack thereof, but I also didn’t want us to be strangers. So I sent him an email, telling him about my reconciliation with Andie and asking him about the rest of the road trip.

  And so we became pen pals. I received and sent an email once a week, and I looked forward to Jake’s email like I was waiting on a million-dollar check to arrive. I even sent him a birthday present last month. It was an imported seven-inch red vinyl of Pearl Jam’s “Daughter.” I thought it would look cool on his wall, and Jake seemed to agree when he emailed to thank me.

  I wish I could’ve seen his face when he opened it.

  “Your mom and I were thinking it might be nice to rent a place in Grand Haven this summer. Thought the five of us could spend a long weekend up there.”

  Andie grinned. “Sounds good, Dad. Just let me know what dates so I can schedule it, and so Rick can get time off.”

  Dad turned to me. “Charley?”

  “I’m there, definitely.”

  Pleased, he nodded and returned to his brisket.

  I felt Mom’s eyes on me and I looked up to meet her gaze. She gave me a small smile that I wasn’t quite sure I understood. It didn’t matter what it meant. There was peace in it and comfort in the air around us—not an ounce of brittle tension to be found.

  I was finally getting my family back.

  My phone had vibrated in my pocket over an hour ago, but I hadn’t wanted to be rude and bail on my family to check my email. I waited impatiently until Andie called it a night and I quickly did the same. Once in my old room, I shut the door and hurried to my laptop.

  The email from Jake was waiting in my inbox.

  I felt a flutter of nerves in my belly as I sank into my desk chair and clicked the mail open.

  Charley,

  My mom asked me home for dinner tonight. Sounds innocent enough, huh? Well, let me tell you it wasn’t. I expected a home-cooked meal and watching sports with my dad. Instead I walked in on my little brother having sex with his shy little librarian.

  I’m scarred for life.

  Let’s just say shy librarian has a kinky side and I now know more about my brother’s sex life than anyone should ever know, let alone a blood relative. I went back to my apartment as quickly as possible to try to rid myself of the image. I think if I return to therapy sessions, I’ll somehow get back on track with my life.

  Speaking of, I got accepted into the University of Chicago graduate school for molecular engineering. The parents are very proud. I’m crapping myself. The guys are finished with school after graduation, and I’m going to continue to be a student for the next however many years. I still feel like I’m deliberately prolonging the inevitability of adulthood. Knowing you’ll be going to law school makes me feel better about it, though.

  On that subject… are you ever going to tell me which schools you got accepted into? Are you deserting the Midwest for Stanford like you said you probably would?

  Inquiring minds would like to know.

  It’s going to be weird next year without the guys. I know they’ll be there, but they’ll be doing their band stuff and whatever manual labor they can find until the day they hopefully get signed. Our worlds are going to be different. All of our worlds are, I guess. I didn’t realize how much I depended on them. Don’t tell them that, though. Matt gets clingy when you show him too much affection.

  Claudia is here at the apartment. She said you’re home with your parents this weekend. That’s good. I take it that’s good, right? You, Andie, and your folks are finally back to normal? Claudia seems a whole lot less worried about you and you sound better in your emails, so I’m guessing things are starting to pull together for you. I’m glad to hear it. I know what it’s like to be where you are and it’s not great. But you’re strong, Charley. I knew you’d get through it.

  As for Claudia, it’s cool to see how much she’s changed since Barcelona. I thought we’d fucked up majorly taking her to meet that dick, but it’s all turned out okay. Beck’s crazy about her. It’s a little unsettling but I’m learning to live with it since Claud’s happy and deserves to be. Although I would like it if she’d stop making soup. Our apartment reeks. Maybe you could casually mention it to her for me?

  I gotta go now. Denver’s yelling at me to get my ass out the door to some party. Have a nice weekend with your folks.

  Talk soon.

  Jake

  I stared at the screen, feeling a whole bunch of emotions I wasn’t sure I had any right to feel. Jake’s emails always made me laugh and this time was no except
ion. Yet there was panic upon hearing we’d both be at U of C next fall. There was the stupid jealousy I felt over the fact that Claudia got to spend time with him when I didn’t. There was anxiety over him going to a party and possibly meeting someone. That question plagued me all the time. I didn’t know if he was seeing anybody. I didn’t know if he’d meant it when he told me that he’d wait for me. All I knew was that as much as I loved reading his emails, they also kind of devastated me. He never flirted. He never alluded to his feelings, our broken relationship, or if there was a future for us. So I didn’t, either.

  That emotional distance was crippling.

  Yet I couldn’t give up those emails. While I floated in limbo over Jake, those emails kept me tethered to him.

  The Brewhouse was packed, bodies crammed together at the bar, around tables, but mostly around the stage. And most of those bodies were girls.

  A friend of Denver’s worked at WCCR, the college radio station here at Purdue, and he’d gotten The Stolen some serious air play over the last few weeks running up to their gig at The Brewhouse. Claudia and I pinned posters of the band everywhere. All the marketing seemed to have paid off.

  I smirked as a girl tried to grab Lowe’s leg and he somehow managed to avoid contact while wearing a wickedly sweet smile that placated her. I shot a look at Claudia and was surprised to see she looked calm about the girls panting over the band and over her boyfriend.