Dante vs the Internet

by H. L. Holston

  Shit, he’d really blown it. He’d never heard Chris use that tone. Ever. Dante shoved his hands in his pockets, hunched his shoulders forward as a flash of loneliness stabbed through him. Chris was right. He was a shitty friend. No role was worth losing Chris’ friendship over.

  Thinking back, he’d remembered how hospitable Chris had been to him on the Space Pirates set. It had been his first big break, after moving to Hollywood from Baltimore. Chris had been cast as the leading man of the show. He was Christopher Parker, after all. The child star of the Disney Channel’s Double Trouble television show for six successful years.

  Dante had expected a spoiled brat, but from the moment he arrived on set, Chris had gone out of his way to welcome him. He’d run lines with Dante in his trailer until he’d felt comfortable enough to perform them in front of the camera. Worked with him on his blocking and showed him the ins and outs of the business so Dante hadn’t acted like a bumbling fool during his first television interview. Instead of looking at Dante as the competition and freezing him out on set, the men had grown close. Their camaraderie on and off screen became an integral part of the show and its popularity.

  “I’m a dick,” Dante said. “A real stronzo as my Nonna would say.”

  Chris looked at him in surprise; the heavy lashes that shadowed his cheeks flew up. Intense astonishment touched his features. He halted, turning back to stare at Dante.

  “I know, I know, mark the date on your calendar. Dante Moretti apologizes for being a douchebag.”

  Lips quirked up in a half-smile, Chris said, “Just the fact that you admitted to being a douchebag is reason enough to put a recurring reminder on Alexa. The apology is gravy.”

  “You’re right,” Dante said with a laugh. “But, really, I am sorry. I may be desperate, but your friendship is far more important to me than any role will ever be. I’d have never made it out here if you hadn’t taken me under your wing.”

  Chris, of course, picked up on one thing. “How desperate?”

  He was reluctant to tell Chris how badly he was doing financially. His father had told him he’d fail in Hollywood and that he’d come crawling home eventually to join the family construction business. With the money he’d made from Space Pirates and Kong: Skull Island long gone, mostly tied up in this house, Dante was too close to proving his father’s prediction correct.

  To make this right, he had to tell the truth. “Very. I need work, man. I can pay my mortgage for another couple of months, but after that, we’ll both be living in our cars if I don’t get work.”

  “Good thing my SUVs big, then. I told you buying American is the way to go.” Chris’ smile broke the tension in the room.

  Dante felt a sudden rush of affection and he was dangerously close to tearing up. He crossed his arms and fought them back. “Look, I just thought this situation could be a way for you to break out of your child-star typecasting. Ever since you graduated from Julliard you’ve been trying to find that career-changing role so America would forget your Disney days and take you seriously as an actor. I thought playing my boyfriend might be the ticket.”

  Dante paused. “But I guess I never considered how it could potentially tank your career, too. Typical me not weighing the consequences.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Thinking clearly has never been your strong suit.” Chris smiled crookedly, blue eyes twinkling, their earlier argument forgotten. “Let’s get some sleep, okay? We can figure things out in the morning.”

  Dante nodded, but he knew he wouldn’t get much rest, not when the fate of his career was hanging in the balance.

  And fuck Spock4Life. He could totally take Shatner!

  Maybe.

  The heavenly scent of expensive Jamaican coffee that Chris routinely hid from him drifted into the bedroom. Dante rolled over so he was facing the door and inhaled the dark aroma.

  With two cups in hand, Chris lingered in the bedroom doorway. Dante motioned him in and Chris set one of the cups on the nightstand. He took his over to the chair opposite the bed and sat down.

  Looking at the clock, Dante groaned. “What are you doing up so early?”

  “My agent called. I have a callback.”

  “That’s great, man.”

  Chris shrugged. “It’s just a SyFy channel movie of the week, but-”

  “It’s work.” Dante reached for the coffee, took a sip and moaned. It was indeed the Blue Mountain coffee that Chris favored. Dante looked at him with suspicion. “Why are you sharing your sacred coffee with me?”

  “It’s the kind of thing you do for your boyfriend, right?”

  Dante put the cup down as he knew immediately what Chris was saying. “You don’t have to do this, Chris.”

  “I thought about it all last night and you were right. You bailed my ass out when I had nowhere to go. I don’t want you to lose your house, too. I know how that feels, man. When Herb ran off with all my money…”

  Nodding in agreement, Dante said, “I know his betrayal hurt. He’d been your business manager since you were a kid.”

  “Yeah, I trusted him. Too much. Knowing that everything I worked for over the years was gone...it nearly broke me. But you stepped up and let me move in expecting nothing in return. So, if I can help you, I will. Besides, if it doesn’t work out, I can always go back to women afterward.” He gave Dante a conspiratorial wink. “I’ll tell the press I couldn’t handle the Dante Moretti train ride and that will be that.”

  “I don’t know, Chris.” In the light of a new day, the whole thing was starting to sound like an unbelievably bad idea. “Middle America could wind up hating you for ruining your clean-cut image by turning gay.”

  Chris waved his concerns away. “Nah, I’ll just tell them you converted me and blame it all on you, Ms. Lohan.”

  “You’d know. After all, you worked with the girl.” Dante made kissy-faces and Chris blushed. He hated the fact he’d made a teen movie and played Lindsay Lohan’s love interest.

  “Don’t remind me.” Chris groaned.

  Both men laughed.

  “My audition should be over by noon. I’ll text you when I’m done, and you’ll meet me at The Ivy.”

  “I can’t afford that. Hell, you can’t afford them either!” Dante protested.

  “You’ll be my date, dumbass. I’ll pay. I still have one credit card that Herb didn’t max out with his Internet gambling addiction.”

  “I can’t let you do that.” Normally, Dante was never one to turn down food. Especially free, expensive food, but Chris couldn’t afford a place like The Ivy. If he ever ran into Chris’s former business manager, he was going to give the guy a serious beat down.

  “Look, lots of celebrities go there and that means the paparazzi will be swarming the place. You want to be seen as a couple, right?”

  “Well, yes, but-”

  Chris pushed himself out of the chair, “Great. I gotta go. You should go back to sleep. You look like shit.”

  Dante bit his lip to stifle a grin. “Oh, nice, Chris. Is that any way to talk to your boyfriend?”

  “That’s the spirit! Now, I’d kiss you good-bye, but your breath stinks, so see you later.”

  Watching as Chris walked out of the room laughing, Dante snuggled back into his bed, muttering, “Asshole.”

  Chapter Two

  Chris posted the picture on Instagram, then shut down his cell phone, stuffing in his jacket pocket. He’d seen a director lose his shit during a previous audition when an actor’s phone had gone off -- he couldn’t afford to lose this job.

  He glanced at the script in his hand, mentally going over his lines in his head. His character, a NASA aerospace engineer, had discovered an asteroid headed straight towards Earth and was trying to get the government to fund his new space shuttle idea to stop the incoming hunk of rock from destroying the planet.

  The script was shit. A blatant rip-off of Armageddon meets Alien. How man-eating space creatures survived on the surface of an asteroid never made any sense to Chris. How
did they breathe with no oxygen in space? But who cared? He wasn’t a writer; it wasn’t his job for the plot to make sense. He just had to deliver the lines and look good in his NASA uniform.

  A tall, beautiful brunette walked out of the office set aside for Blow That Sh*t Up’s production space at the SyFy Network. They were known for making campy television movies on a tight budget and bare minimum special effects. Normally, Chris would have given this audition a hard pass, but they paid well, and beggars couldn’t be choosers when you were flat broke and living on your best friend’s couch.

  “Mr. Parker, come this way. We’d like to do a screen test. You have your sides?”

  Chris nodded.

  “Good. You can go in and take a seat. I’m going to be bringing in two different actresses for you to test with today.” She smiled. “The network would like to see if you have any chemistry with them.”

  She ushered him into the room and Chris held back a groan. Inside the room sat the director, Brit Anderson and Claire Rosenbaum, the casting director; plus, two suits who sat off to the side. Obviously, network honchos here to see if he could draw in the 18-35 male demographic that made-for-cable disaster movies needed to break even.

  Chris hated these types of screen tests. Chemistry couldn’t be forced, although some actors tried. Either a couple had it, or they didn’t, and Chris could never predict how the actor playing opposite him would play the scene. Dante and he had that special spark the minute they’d done a reading for Space Pirates, but lightning in a bottle rarely struck twice, so Chris wouldn’t be holding his breath for this audition.

  He waved to Brit and Claire. He’d worked with both before. Brit had been the second assistant director on a low-budget indie flick now stuck in post-production hell. While Claire casted him in Double Trouble as a kid. His agent, Ted, let him know that Brit specifically requested him for this role.

  While Alien Asteroid wasn’t Oscar material, Chris wasn’t about to turn this down. Since it could lead to other job opportunities. Rumor had it that Brit had snagged a big action flick after this starring some big MMA fighter-turned wannabe actor. Maybe if Chris nailed this, Brit would put in a good word for him on his next project.

  Hollywood was all about networking.

  Out in the parking lot, Chris banged his head against his SUV’s steering wheel. That had been a nightmare.

  What the fuck had he gone to Julliard for? His M.F.A. was useless here. Both actresses were young, too young for the role of a NASA astronaut. The first one, Chloe, barely looked like she’d graduated high school, let alone could pilot a space shuttle! Thankfully, they’d had zero chemistry.

  Actress #2 had been in some Netflix show Dante liked about dystopian teenage zombies. Jessica, something or other, and while she had the acting chops, Chris and she couldn’t get in the right groove for their characters. Their delivery had fallen flat, so another wipe-out. He’d seen Claire’s disappointment when it had been obvious their acting styles weren’t going to mesh.

  Chris pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it on, waiting for it to sync with his SUV’s Bluetooth. Once that happened, he typed in Dante’s address in Silver Lake and put the car in gear and drove off the lot. He needed to change clothes before he met him at The Ivy for their big ‘reveal.’

  Thirty minutes later, sitting in typical LA traffic, he dialed Dante’s number and waited for his friend to pick up.

  “Yo, Christopher! How did the audition go? Are we looking at the SyFy channel’s next big star? Should Ian Ziering be shaking in his shoes?”

  “Ha, ha, asshole. I’d take a small part in Sharknado 10, rather than go through that mess again.”

  Dante snickered. “That bad, uh? But wait, I thought you said Brit asked for you specifically.”

  “He did, but they made me do a chemistry test with my romantic leading lady. Both of them!”

  “Oh no. I take it they didn’t go well?”

  “Well, let’s see candidate number one could have been my daughter, she looked so young.”

  Dante roared. “But I thought the other lead was supposed to be a kick-ass NASA astronaut?”

  “Yes, she is,” Chris said.

  “Oh, Hollywood never change with your ageist, sexist, sometimes homophobic ways.” Dante sighed. “So, what about the other one?”

  “Actress number two was from that Netflix zombie show you like. Jessica, something-”

  “Oh. My. God. Jessica McCall from Eat My Brains?” Dante screamed like a fangirl. “Please tell me you turned on the old Parker charm and nailed the reading with her?”

  “I turned on the charm, alright.” Chris muttered.

  “Yes! Maybe after filming, you two will get married and give me cute blonde godchildren.” Dante paused. “After you and I are ‘consciously uncoupled.’”

  “Of course, let’s not forget about Dante’s Big Plan.”

  “Did you just capitalize our pretend boyfriend scheme, Christopher?”

  “Dear God, we are not a covert CIA ‘operation,’ Dante. We’re faking being a couple so you can get a movie role!” Chris exclaimed.

  “Yeah, yeah. My plan is awesome. Anyway…Jessica?”

  “Remember in season two of Space Pirates when they tried to give my character a love interest?”

  Dante’s groaned in horror. “That bad, huh?”

  “Worse. At least Mary Elise tried. I don’t think your girl Jessica wanted to be there. Everything was off and Claire didn’t look happy.”

  “Not everybody can be Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart chemistry-wise, buddy. I think you’re being too hard on yourself. What did Claire or Brit say?”

  “The usual. We’ll get back to you.” Chris turned onto their street and drew closer to their house, utterly dejected. “What if they decide to replace me? I mean, Jessica has a lot of hype around her with the Netflix show’s success. Maybe they decide to drop me and go with her and some, younger hotter version of my character?”

  Dante scoffed, his voice incredulous. “No, you’re hotter than burning and you know it. Plus, you’re talented and Brit knows you can deliver the goods and not diva out and ruin their budget. Why would they go with some random unknown?”

  “Maybe they’d rather pay some random scale, get their budget down even more. Ian Ziering’s probably available. That Beverly Hills 90210 reboot got shit canned. I’m doomed, Dante. They’re going to replace me with the Sharknado guy!”

  Chris pulled into their carport, put his SUV in park and sat contemplating his miserable, loser life as Dante gave him a pep talk in the background.

  “Chris, Chris! Are you there?”

  “Yes, I’m here. In fact, I’m at the house. Where are you?”

  “I had to run some errands and go to Whole Foods. They have that avocado spread on sale.”

  “Millennial hipster,” Chris retorted.

  “So says Mr. Julliard. I’ve seen the flannel in your closet.” Dante took a breath. Chris turned off the engine, taking his phone and keys into the house.

  “Give me ten and I’ll make my way over to The Ivy,” Chris said, absently trying to figure out what to wear so he wouldn’t look like a hipster.

  “Okay. Give me an hour, I should be done by then. Now, go and change into something sex-y and come impress me with your dazzling good looks. We’ll show Hollyweird what chemistry really is, oh boyfriend of mine.”

  “Lord help us all.”

  Chapter Three

  Dante pushed his Prada sunglasses firmly on his face and walked into the patio courtyard of The Ivy. He hoped he wasn’t sweating too much from the three-block walk from where he’d parked his car. The Ivy had valet parking, but Dante figured he had to start saving pennies in case Chris decided to back out and not pretend to be his boyfriend. So, he’d gone old school and parked his hybrid himself. Now, if anyone found out, he’d lose cool points, as no one in Hollywood ever parked their own cars, let alone walked. This wasn’t New York City. He hoped the press was camped out in front of the r
estaurant and not the cheap parking garage he left his Prius in.

  The place was certainly busy for a Tuesday afternoon and he finally picked Chris out of the after-lunch crowd at a table near the back patio. Chris lounged under an umbrella; his long legs stretched out in front of him in figure-hugging worn Levi’s and tight white T-shirt.

  Dante nearly wolf whistled. Trust Chris to look like a movie star in jeans and a Hanes shirt. He had on his Gucci sunglasses. Probably a swag gift from some premiere, as Chris rarely spent money on clothes or accessories. Prior to Herb running off with all his money, Chris had been the only millionaire Dante had ever known who shopped at Target. His “date” scanned his cell phone, ignoring the curious glances coming his way, looking bored, yet beautiful, a typical Hollywood sight.

  Dante wanted to laugh. They were in one of the most visible hotspots in Los Angeles and Chris was probably reading NPR online. The plan was like a plotline straight out of General Hospital, the soap his Nonna in Baltimore liked to watch. Maybe if this plan failed, they both could get work on a daytime drama. According to his grandmother, Days of Our Lives had a “nice gay couple” on it these days. Maybe all was not lost, although Dante had read in the trades both actors playing that couple were straight in real life.

  Chris looked up, smiled when he saw Dante, and waved him over.

  Show time.

  Dante strolled over to Chris’ table at a leisurely pace, no need to act desperate, even though they were. When he reached Chris’ side he asked, “Is this seat taken, hot stuff?”

  Chris rolled his eyes and stated, “If this is how you woo men, it’s no wonder you’re still single. Sit down, Dante.”

  Dante sat. “I’m offended, Christopher. I’ll have you know that previous boyfriends have said I’m incredibly romantic. I’m a regular wooing machine.”