Goody Two-Shoes

by Anonymous

  ADVICE _from the_ MAN _in the_ MOON.

  _Jumper, Jumper, Jumper_, what a pretty Dog he is, and howsensible? Had Mankind half the Sagacity of _Jumper_, they wouldguard against Accidents of this Sort, by having a public Survey,occasionally made of all the Houses in every Parish (especially ofthose, which are old and decayed) and not suffer them to remain in acrazy State, 'till they fall down on the Heads of the poorInhabitants, and crush them to Death. Why, it was but Yesterday, thata whole House fell down in _Grace-church-street_, and another in_Queen's-street_, and an hundred more are to tumble, before thisTime twelve Months; so Friends, take Care of yourselves, and tell theLegislature, they ought to take Care for you. How can you be socareless? Most of your Evils arise from Carelesness and Extravagance,and yet you excuse yourselves, and lay the Fault upon Fortune. Fortuneis a Fool, and you are a Blockhead, if you put it in her Power to playTricks with you.

  _Yours_,

  _The_ MAN _in the_ MOON.

  You are not to wonder, my dear Reader, that this little Dog shouldhave more Sense than you, or your Father, or your Grandfather.

  Though God Almighty has made Man the Lord of the Creation, and endowedhim with Reason, yet in many Respects, he has been altogether asbountiful to other Creatures of his forming. Some of the Senses ofother Animals are more acute than ours, as we find by dailyExperience. You know this little Bird, _sweet Jug, Jug, Jug_,'tis a Nightingale. This little Creature, after she has entertained uswith her Songs all the Spring, and bred up her little ones, flies intoa foreign Country, and finds her Way over the Great Sea, without anyof the Instruments and Helps which Men are obliged to make Use of forthat Purpose. Was you as wise as the Nightingale, you might make allthe Sailors happy, and have twenty thousand Pounds for teaching themthe Longitude.

  You would not think _Ralph_ the Raven half so wise and so good as heis, though you see him here reading his book. Yet when the Prophet_Elijah_, was obliged to fly from _Ahab_ King of _Israel_, and hidehimself in a Cave, the Ravens, at the Command of God Almighty, fed himevery Day, and preserved his Life.

  _And the Word of the Lord came unto _Elijah_, saying, Hidethyself by the Brook _Cherith_, that is before _Jordan_, andI have commanded the Ravens to feed thee there. And the Ravens broughthim Bread and Flesh in the Morning, and Bread and Flesh in theEvening, and he drank of the Brook,_ Kings, B.I.C. 17.

  And the pretty Pidgeon when the World was drowned, and he was confinedwith _Noah_ in the Ark, was sent forth by him to see whether theWaters were abated, _And he sent forth a Dove from him, to see ifthe Waters were abated from off the Face of the Ground. And the Dovecame in to him in the Evening, and lo, in her Mouth was an Olive Leafplucked off: So_ Noah _knew that the Waters were abated from offthe Earth._ Gen. viii. 8. 11.

  As these, and other Animals, are so sensible and kind to us, we oughtto be tender and good to them, and not beat them about, and kill them,and take away their young ones, as many wicked Boys do. Does not theHorse and the Ass carry you and your burthens; don't the Ox ploughyour Ground, the Cow give you Milk, the Sheep cloath your Back, theDog watch your House, the Goose find you in Quills to write with, theHen bring Eggs for your Custards and Puddings, and the Cock call youup in the Morning, when you are lazy, and like to hurt yourselves bylaying too long in Bed? If so, how can you be so cruel to them, andabuse God Almighty's good Creatures? Go, naughty Boy, go; be sorry forwhat you have done, and do so no more, that God Almighty may forgiveyou. _Amen_, say I, again and again. God will bless you, but notunless you are merciful and good.

  The downfal of the School, was a great Misfortune to Mrs._Margery_; for she not only lost all her Books, but was destituteof a Place to teach in; but Sir William _Dove_, being informed ofthis, ordered the House to be built at his own Expence, and 'till thatcould be done, Farmer _Grove_ was so kind, as to let her have hislarge Hall to teach in.

  The House built by Sir _William_, had a Statue erected over theDoor of a Boy sliding on the Ice, and under it were these Lines,written by Mrs. _Two-Shoes_, and engraved at her Expence.

  On SIN. A SIMILE.

  As a poor Urchin on the Ice, When he has tumbl'd once or twice, With cautious Step, and trembling goes, The drop-stile Pendant on his Nose, And trudges on to seek the Shore, Resolv'd to trust the Ice no more: But meeting with a daring Mate, Who often us'd to slide and scate, Again is into Danger led, And falls again, and breaks his head. So Youth when first they're drawn to sin, And see the Danger they are in, Would gladly quit the thorney Way, And think it is unsafe to stay; But meeting with their wicked Train, Return with them to sin again: With them the Paths of Vice explore; With them are ruin'd ever more.

  CHAP. IV.

  _What happened at Farmer Grove's; and how she gratified him for the Use of his Room_.

  While at Mr. _Grove's_, which was in the Heart of the Village,she not only taught the Children in the Day Time, but the Farmer'sServants, and all the Neighbours, to read and write in the Evening;and it was a constant Practice before they went away, to make them allgo to Prayers, and sing Psalms. By this Means, the People grewextremely regular, his Servants were always at Home, instead of beingat the Ale-house, and he had more Work done than ever. This gave notonly Mr. _Grove_, but all the Neighbours, an high Opinion of hergood Sense and prudent Behaviour: And she was so much esteemed, thatmost of the Differences in the Parish were left to her Decision; andif a Man and Wife quarrelled (which sometimes happened in that Part ofthe Kingdom) both Parties certainly came to her for Advice. Every Bodyknows, that _Martha Wilson_ was a passionate scolding Jade, andthat _John_ her husband, was a surly ill-tempered Fellow. Thesewere one Day brought by the Neighbours for _Margery_ to talk tothem, when they fairly quarrelled before her, and were going to Blows;but she stepping between them, thus addressed the Husband;_John_, says she, you are a Man, and ought to have more Sensethan to fly in a Passion, at every Word that is said amiss by yourWife; and _Martha_, says she, you ought to know your Duty better,than to say any Thing to aggravate your Husband's Resentment. Thesefrequent Quarrels, arise from the Indulgence of your violent Passions;for I know, you both love one another, notwithstanding what has passedbetween you. Now, pray tell me _John_, and tell me _Martha_,when you have had a Quarrel the over Night, are you not both sorry forit the next Day? They both declared that they were: Why then, saysshe, I'll tell you how to prevent this for the future, if you willboth promise to take my Advice. They both promised her. You know, saysshe, that a small Spark will set Fire to Tinder, and that Tinderproperly placed will fire a House; an angry Word is with you as thatSpark, for you are both as touchy as Tinder, and very often make yourown House too hot to hold you. To prevent this, therefore, and to livehappily for the future, you must solemnly agree, that if one speaks anangry Word, the other will not answer, 'till he or she has distinctlycalled over all the Letters in the Alphabet, and the other not reply,'till he has told twenty; by this Means your Passions will be stifled,and Reason will have Time to take the Rule.

  This is the best Recipe that was ever given for a married Couple tolive in Peace: Though _John_ and his Wife frequently attempted toquarrel afterwards, they never could get their Passions to anyconsiderable Height, for there was something so droll in thus carryingon the Dispute, that before they got to the End of the Argument, theysaw the Absurdity of it, laughed, kissed, and were Friends.

  Just as Mrs. _Margery_ had settled this Difference between_John_ and his Wife, the Children (who had been sent out to play,while that Business was transacting) returned some in Tears, andothers very disconsolate, for the Loss of a little Dormouse they werevery fond of, and which was just dead. Mrs. _Margery_, who hadthe Art of moralizing and drawing Instructions from every Accident,took this Opportunity of reading them a Lecture on the Uncertainty ofLife, and the Necessity of being always prepared for Death. You shouldget up in the Morning, says she, and to conduct yourselves, as if thatDay was to be your last, and lie down at Night, a
s if you neverexpected to see this World any more. This may be done, says she,without abating of your Chearfulness, for you are not to considerDeath as an Evil, but as a Convenience, as an useful Pilot, who is toconvey you to a Place of greater Happiness: Therefore, play my dearChildren, and be merry; but be innocent and good. The good Man setsDeath at Defiance, for his Darts are only dreadful to the Wicked.

  After this, she permitted the Children to bury the little Dormouse,and desired one of them to write his Epitaph, and here it is.

  _Epitaph on a_ DORMOUSE, _really written by a little_ BOY.

  I.

  In Paper Case, Hard by this Place,Dead a poor Dormouse lies; And soon or late, Summon'd by Fate,Each Prince, each Monarch dies.

  II.

  Ye Sons of Verse, While I rehearse,Attend instructive Rhyme; No Sins had _Dor_, To answer for,Repent of yours in Time.

  CHAP. V.

  _The whole History of the Considering Cap, set forth at large for the Benefit of all whom it may concern_.

  The great Reputation Mrs. _Margery_ acquired by composingDifferences in Families, and especially, between Man and Wife, inducedher to cultivate that Part of her System of Morality and Economy, inorder to render it more extensively useful. For this Purpose, shecontrived what she called a Charm for the Passions; which was aconsidering Cap, almost as large as a Grenadier's, but of three equalSides; on the first of which was written, I MAY BE WRONG; on thesecond, IT IS FIFTY TO ONE BUT YOU ARE; and on the third, I'LLCONSIDER OF IT. The other Parts on the out-side, were filled with oddCharacters, as unintelligible as the Writings of the old_Egyptians_; but within Side there was a Direction for its Use,of the utmost Consequence; for it strictly enjoined the Possessor toput on the Cap, whenever he found his Passions begin to growturbulent, and not to deliver a Word whilst it was on, but with greatCoolness and Moderation. As this Cap was an universal Cure forWrong-headedness, and prevented numberless Disputes and Quarrels, itgreatly hurt the Trade of the poor Lawyers, but was of the utmostService to the rest of the Community. They were bought by Husbands andWives, who had themselves frequent Occasion for them, and sometimeslent them to their Children: They were also purchased in largeQuantities by Masters and Servants; by young Folks, who were intent onMatrimony, by Judges, Jurymen, and even Physicians and Divines; nay,if we may believe History, the Legislators of the Land did not disdainthe Use of them; and we are told, that when any important Debatearose, _Cap, was the Word_, and each House looked like a grandSynod of _Egyptian_ Priests. Nor was this Cap of less Use toPartners in Trade, for with these, as well as with Husband and Wife,if one was out of Humour, the other threw him the Cap, and he wasobliged to put it on, and keep it till all was quiet. I myself sawthirteen Caps worn at a Time in one Family, which could not havesubsisted an Hour without them; and I was particularly pleased at Sir_Humphry Huffum's_, to hear a little Girl, when her Father wasout of Humour, ask her Mamma, _if she should reach down the Cap_?These Caps, indeed, were of such Utility, that People of Sense neverwent without them; and it was common in the Country, when a Booby madehis Appearance, and talked Nonsense, to say, _he had no Cap in hisPocket_.

  _Advice from FRIAR BACON._

  What was _Fortunatus_'s Wishing Cap, when compared to this? ThatCap, is said to have conveyed People instantly from one Place toanother; but, as the Change of Place does not change the Temper andDisposition of the Mind, little Benefit can be expected from it; norindeed is much to be hoped from his famous Purse: That Purse, it issaid, was never empty, and such a Purse, may be sometimes convenient;but as Money will not purchase Peace, it is not necessary for a Man toencumber himself with a great deal of it. Peace and Happiness dependso much upon the State of a Man's own Mind, and upon the Use of theconsidering Cap, that it is generally his own Fault, if he ismiserable. One of these Caps will last a Man his whole Life, and is aDiscovery of much greater Importance to the Public than thePhilosopher's Stone. Remember what was said by my Brazen Head, _Timeis, Time was, Time is past_: Now the _Time is_, therefore buythe Cap immediately, and make a proper Use of it, and be happy beforethe _Time is past_.

  _Yours_ ROGER BACON.

  CHAP. VI.

  _How Mrs._ MARGERY _was taken up for a Witch, and what happened on that Occasion._

  And so it is true? And they have taken up Mrs. _Margery_ then,and accused her of being a Witch, only because she was wiser than someof her Neighbours! Mercy upon me! People stuff Children's Heads withStories of Ghosts, Faries, Witches, and such Nonsense when they areyoung, and so they continue Fools all their Days. The whole Worldought to be made acquainted with her Case, and here it is at theirService.

  _The Case of Mrs._ MARGERY.

  Mrs. _Margery_, as we have frequently observed, was always doingGood, and thought she could never sufficiently gratify those who haddone any Thing to serve her. These generous Sentiments, naturally ledher to consult the Interest of Mr. _Grove_, and the rest of herNeighbours; and as most of their Lands were Meadow, and they dependedmuch on their Hay, which had been for many Years greatly damaged bywet Weather, she contrived an Instrument to direct them when to mowtheir Grass with Safety, and prevent their Hay being spoiled. They allcame to her for Advice, and by that Means got in their Hay withoutDamage, while most of that in the neighbouring Villages was spoiled.

  This made a great Noise in the Country, and so provoked were thePeople in the other Parishes, that they accused her of being a Witch,and sent Gasser _Goosecap_, a busy Fellow in other People'sConcerns, to find out Evidence against her. This Wiseacre happened tocome to her School, when she was walking about with the Raven on oneShoulder, the Pidgeon on the other, the Lark on her Hand, and the Lamband the Dog by her Side; which indeed made a droll Figure, and sosurprized the that he cried out, a Witch! a Witch! upon this shelaughing, answered, a Conjurer! a Conjurer! and so they parted; but itdid not end thus, for a Warrant was issued out against Mrs._Margery_, and she was carried to a Meeting of the Justices,whither all the Neighbours followed her.

  At the Meeting, one of the Justices, who knew little of Life, and lessof the Law, behaved very idly; and though no Body was able to proveany Thing against her, asked, who she could bring to her Character?_Who_ can you bring against my Character, Sir, says she, thereare People enough who would appear in my Defence, were it necessary;but I never supposed that any one here could be so weak, as to believethere was any such Thing as a Witch. If I am a Witch, this is myCharm, and (laying a Barometer or Weather Glass on the Table) it iswith this, says she, that I have taught my Neighbours to know theState of the Weather. All the Company laughed, and Sir _WilliamDove_, who was on the Bench, asked her Accusers, how they could besuch Fools, as to think there was any such Thing as a Witch. It istrue, continued he, many innocent and worthy People have been abusedand even murdered on this absurd and foolish Supposition; which is aScandal to our Religion, to our Laws, to our Nation, and to commonSense; but I will tell you a Story.

  There was in the West of _England_ a poor industrious Woman, wholaboured under the same evil Report, which this good Woman is accusedof. Every Hog that died with the Murrain, every Cow that slipt herCalf, she was accountable for: If a Horse had the Staggers, she wassupposed to be in his Head; and whenever the Wind blew a little harderthan ordinary, _Goody Giles_ was playing her Tricks, and ridingupon a Broomstick in the Air. These, and a thousand other Phantasies,too ridiculous to recite, possessed the Pates of the common People:Horse-shoes were nailed with the Heels upwards, and many Tricks madeuse of, to mortify the poor Creature; and such was their Rage againsther, that they petitioned Mr. _Williams_, the Parson of theParish, not to let her come to Church; and at last, even insisted uponit: But this he over-ruled, and allowed the poor old Woman a Nook inone of the Isles to herself, where she muttered over her Prayers inthe best Manner she could. The Parish, thus disconcerted and enraged,withdrew the small Pittance they allowed for her Support, and wouldhave reduced her to the Ne
cessity of starving, had she not been stillassisted by the benevolent Mr. _Williams_.

  But I hasten to the Sequel of my Story, in which you will find, thatthe true Source from whence Witchcraft springs is _Poverty_,_Age_, and _Ignorance_; and that it is impossible for aWoman to pass for a Witch, unless she is _very poor_, _veryold_, and lives in a Neighbourhood where the People are _void ofcommon Sense_.

  Some Time after, a Brother of her's died in _London_, who, though hewould not part with a Farthing while he lived, at his Death wasobliged to leave her five thousand Pounds, that he could not carrywith him.--This altered the Face of _Jane_'s Affairs prodigiously:She was no longer _Jane_, alias _Joan Giles_, the ugly old Witch, butMadam _Giles_; her old ragged Garb was exchanged for one that was newand genteel; her greatest Enemies made their Court to her, even theJustice himself came to wish her Joy; and though several Hogs andHorses died, and the Wind frequently blew afterwards, yet Madam_Giles_ was never supposed to have a Hand in it; and from hence it isplain, as I observed before, that a Woman must be _very poor, veryold_, and live in a Neighbourhood, where the People are _very stupid_,before she can possibly pass for a Witch.

  'Twas a Saying of Mr. _Williams_, who would sometimes be jocose,and had the Art of making even Satire agreeable; that if ever_Jane_ deserved the Character of a Witch, it was after this Moneywas left her; for that with her five thousand Pounds, she did moreActs of Charity and friendly Offices, than all the People of Fortunewithin fifty Miles of the Place.