Hold Me Now

by Addison Moore

  A strange gurgling sound comes from the backseat. I glance into the rearview mirror to find Jilly sticking her finger down her throat.

  As soon as I pull into the driveway and park, Tess bolts out because she can’t stand the sound of someone being sick.

  “Like I’m so gonna barf if she does that again!” she growls, running for the house. “Control that brat, would you?” She bolts inside just as Ramona comes out.

  “You’d better control that brat.” Jilly pokes her finger to my chest hard. “I’m sick of you acting like a gigolo. You had a good thing with Jennifer, and you ruined it!” she riots the words into my face. “You’re just like Dad. You’re going to ruin everything, and I’ll be alone in my room forever because I don’t even matter to you guys!” She takes off crying. Her anguished howls penetrate through the wind.

  “Jilly!” I scream after her. “Jilly, wait!”

  “She’s right.” Ramona narrows her eyes with that you’re-pathetic look on her face. I get out and head over. “You had a good thing going. That Jennifer”—she shakes her head—“there are some girls you should let go, and some you shouldn’t. I would have thought Jennifer fell into that second category.”

  “She does. I just—things got out of control. Things were said. It’s bad.” My voice catches, and I shut the hell up before I bawl like a baby.

  “Sometimes, it’s the bad stuff that gets us to a place we never thought we’d be.” She pats me on the back and walks on by, leaving me to ponder her cryptic words.

  “Where’s that?” I shout after her, almost afraid to hear her answer.

  “To a better place. It’s the push you didn’t know you needed.” She lifts her hand with a brief wave before disappearing down the driveway.

  A better place. Jennifer and I were in a pretty good place already. I can’t imagine it being better than that—unless, of course, we dropped the pretense of this fake you-help-me-I’ll-help-you scenario we came up with and made it real. I should have made it real the day I said I loved her, told her that the game was over—it was just her for me. Maybe that’s what set her off.

  A part of me hates that I still think she told someone. No one else on the planet knows those hurtful truths.

  I glare over at the house. Tess thinks she knows something.

  Now, that I don’t believe.

  * * *

  On Friday night, Tess convinces me that the place to share her big news is Mark Barkly’s party—at Jen’s house. There’s a storm rolling in, and at this point, it feels both metaphorical and literal.

  “I don’t know.” I stare at the house, lit up like a bonfire, while bodies stream in and out of its every orifice.

  “What do you mean you don’t know?” She leans in and takes a bite out of my ear, and I back up. “I get it. You’re nursing a broken heart, but that’s what I’m here for. To help you nurse it back to health.” Her hand rides low toward my crotch. “Let me kiss it and make it better for you.”

  I catch her by the wrist as Bananarama’s “Venus” finishes up its last few beats over the speaker.

  “Then tell me what you know,” I demand. “We’ll bounce right back, and we can get to business.” I run my eyes down the length of her body like a promise. I’m not above making promises I’m not about to keep if it means I get to hold Jennifer one more time.

  “You know what you need?” She curls up by my side. “You need to get a couple of beers in you.” She leads me toward the house, and it feels like a walk to the electric chair. “And once you’re loosened up, I’ll take it from there.”

  We head inside through the side gate leading to the back. There’s no way in hell I’m going to step into Jennifer’s house for the very first time with another girl dripping off me.

  Sting’s “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” takes over, and I’m feeling it.

  “I see a couple of the guys.” I nod toward Russell and Joel. “I’m going over to say hi. Why don’t you go find Rachel for a bit?”

  “Sure thing.” She glides her finger over my jawline. “Maybe the three of us can hang out.” Her brows do a strange waggle. “Or maybe you’ll learn things about that little bitch that makes you think twice. I sort of like the idea of having you all to myself for once.”

  Something about the way she called Rachel a bitch doesn’t sit well with me. I guess I’ve always seen Tess and Rachel as a team, and this sudden break from the natural order of things alarms me. Tess has gone rogue, and I find this more than concerning.

  “Meet me upstairs in about an hour. If I don’t see you there, I’ll come find you. This mystery of yours ends tonight.” Her finger lands over my lips. “And it ends in Jennifer Barkly’s bedroom.”

  Crap. I watch as she melts into the crowd. That chick is batshit.

  Joel and Russell come my way, each with a beer in hand.

  “What the hell?” Joel isn’t even coating this with a proper question.

  “She says she’ll tell me who’s doing this.” I take Russell’s beer and knock half of it back like a reflex.

  “You’ve got balls.” Russ folds his arms across his chest, pissed, like he might jam his fist into my gut for the hell of it.

  “I already apologized about your bed.” I try to give him his beer back, but he refuses.

  “I meant about showing up here tonight.”

  “And with some chick?” Joel looks like he’s about to pound me himself. “Dude, Jennifer is heartbroken. Melissa says she’s not even eating anymore. Forget trying to get to the bottom of anything. Just fix things between the two of you. Show whoever did this that you’re stronger than any bullshit they can throw your way.”

  “I know, but…” I stop short of accusing Jennifer of telling someone those things that Jilly and I told her in private. Joel is right. It’s no use.

  “Seriously, forget about it. Besides, the girls think they know who did it.” Russell leans in with that I’m-so-sorry look on his face. “They think it was your sister, dude.”

  Now, it’s my heart breaking—for Jilly. “She would never do this.” I can’t even entertain it. “Did Jennifer say that?” My entire body stings at the thought of Jennifer saying something that cruel about Jill. She loves her. She has to know Jilly would never do that.

  “She must have.” Russ shrugs it off. “It’s not like Heather or Mel could have put it together. I mean, it makes sense. She’s in the house with you. She’s perceptive. You got to give her that.”

  “She wouldn’t break Jen and me up. It just wouldn’t happen.” Those tears she shed yesterday testify to the fact.

  Joel blows out a breath as if he regrets what’s about to transpire. “Mel said Jill accused Jen of stealing you.” He slaps his hand over my shoulder as if jarring me out of a bad dream. “Looks like that mystery just solved itself.”

  “Right.” I stagger away, tossing the beer back to Russ, and he catches it mid-flight. “I’ll see you guys later.” I head for the overgrown tree in the rear of the yard, away from the screaming girls and tanked guys trying their best for a Friday night scam. I know all the tricks—hell, most of the time I didn’t need them.

  Russell and Joel were starting to really piss me off, and if I had stayed another moment, I would have probably decked them both for saying those things about my sister. She may not be sweet, but she’s not a nutcase like they’re implying. Under normal circumstances, I would have just taken off. I’m sure Tess could find half a dozen rides home. But, she’s got her big news to share with me in less than an hour, and that’s my last-ditch effort in figuring this mess out.

  My foot gets caught on something hard, and I stumble, almost eating it on the soggy grass.

  “Sprinkler head,” a sweet familiar voice bleats from the shadowed trunk before stepping into the moonlight. “It always gets me, too.”

  “Jennifer.” I stagger over. My arms desperately want to wrap themselves around her, but there’s a sheet of ice laid out between us that neither of us seems able to penetrate.

 
; “I’m surprised you came—with your girlfriend no less.”

  “She’s not my anything.”

  “Oh, that’s right. You like to love ’em and leave ’em. Or in Tess’s case, love ’em and let ’em linger.”

  Jennifer is beautiful, with her hair pulled back, her face glowing like an angel, but those Irish green eyes—they somehow manage to break through this monochromatic night and shine a brilliant shade of shamrock.

  “I don’t care about Tess.”

  “That’s not what I hear, but, then, I probably shouldn’t pay attention to rumors.”

  “Should I pay attention to rumors?” My heart gives a few dull thuds as if warning me not to go there.

  “What rumors?” She takes a step back as if I’ve just tried to trip her. “If this is that stupid shit I’m hearing about Danny and me, I’ll tell you right now, it’s not true. In fact, I’m swearing off boys until after college.” Her voice breaks when she says that last sentence.

  A part of me desperately wants to chuckle, to tell her how cute she looks when she’s mad, and how she’s too sweet and beautiful not to fall in love for the next half decade—tell her that I have my grandmother’s bracelet in my pocket just waiting to make its way onto her wrist.

  “The rumors about Jilly.” The air clots up between us, and instantly, I regret my words. Joel is right. I should just forget everything and put this bullshit behind us. It doesn’t matter if Jen said anything. I want her. I’ll always want her.

  “Jilly?” She cocks her head with that look on her face that suggests I just started a war. “What about her?”

  “Nothing. It’s just that Russell said—”

  “Oh my God.” She touches her fingers to her temples. “Now you think I’m accusing Jilly of this bullshit?” Her voice rises a notch, taking us out of that magical space of moonlight and whispers.

  “No.” I take a step in, but she retracts further. “But, how else would Russ even have known about it?”

  Jen jumps forward, her eyes bulging white. “Because his girlfriend accused your sister, not me!”

  “I don’t care who accused Jilly. You and I both know she didn’t do this.”

  “Well, I don’t know. You seem pretty sure that I’m the one with loose lips. Maybe Jilly did hear. Maybe she doesn’t want me anywhere near you!” she riots in my face.

  “That’s not true, and you know it. She’s in love with you just as much as I am!” My voice cuts through the air like a whip.

  “If you were so in love with me, you would’ve believed me right from the beginning! Hey, I’ve got a theory—maybe it was you all along! Maybe you wanted to get rid of me, and this was all some clever scheme to make me look like the bad guy!”

  “What the fuck?” I say it mostly to myself. Never have I had anything go so wrong. Never has my life turned so upside down. Those words of my father’s come back to haunt me. For the most part, monogamy is a game often played badly and for too many years. It’s a real steamroller. You don’t need that heartache, son. Trust me, I’ve been there.

  Crap. I don’t even want to entertain the idea that he might be right.

  Jennifer takes off like a bullet, and I don’t hesitate. I just go after her. This ends right now, tonight. I’m putting all of this bullshit behind me, and I hope to God Jennifer will, too.

  And if she doesn’t, if Jennifer and I can’t fix this mess, I’m giving up on monogamy forever. Maybe my father doesn’t have it wrong after all. Maybe the rest of the world does.

  I chase after Jennifer all the way to the front of the house, but she jumps into her car and takes off, burning out her tires so fast a white cloud rises in her wake. She takes the turn at the end of the street, and her car evaporates to nothing.

  I glance down at my watch. Ten minutes left until Tess cuts the leash between us. I head on up to Jennifer’s bedroom because I’ve just run out of time and patience.

  * * *

  “Where’s the fire, dude?” Russell pulls me back as I’m about to jump into the house.

  “Forget the fire.” Heather snatches at my shirt like she’s about to break my nose. “Where did Jennifer go?”

  “She took off.” I give a hard glance around for any signs of Tess. As far as I see it, she’s the last thing standing in the way of Jennifer and me.

  “What?” Melissa squawks as she comes up behind her blonde friend. “Why didn’t you go after her?”

  “I will.” I do another quick search for Tess. “Someone mentioned that they knew who wrote that column, and that I would have my answer tonight—right now—in Jennifer’s room.” I head into the house and thread my way through the crowd. Heather runs up ahead, and I follow her up the stairs, past the stoners and their cloud of weed soaking into the walls, the furniture, the carpet. I know Jen’s brother goes to Cooperton. I take it this is his crowd.

  “That’s her room.” Heather points to the door furthest down the hall as if it were a bomb.

  I twist the knob and head inside to find the top of Rachel’s head peeking from the other side of the bed. She looks up, startled, doing something on the floor before bothering to get up.

  “What are you doing in here?” I head over as she scrambles to her feet.

  “Nothing.” Her face pinches a bright pink. She has that deer-in-the-headlights look in her eyes like she’s just been caught.

  “Nothing?” Melissa treks over and looks behind the mattress. “Oh shit.” She bends over and picks up what looks like a tiny book. “This is Jen’s diary.”

  “I’ve never seen it before in my life!” Rachel hops over to an opened bathroom door. “Tess, you bitch, where are you?”

  Tess comes out with Jen’s brother, Mark. He’s got his shirt off, and his hair is rumpled in a way that lets me know he was having a party all of his own—with Tess and Rachel?

  “It’s not what it looks like.” Tess comes over to me and wraps an arm over my shoulder as if we were solid. “What’s this?” She looks to Melissa’s hand. “A diary?” She looks to Rachel and smirks. “You wouldn’t happen to be taking notes again, would you?”

  Rachel lunges at her, strangling her so severely it takes both Russell and me to pluck them apart.

  “Explain yourselves,” Russell roars.

  “They don’t have to.” I wipe the sweat from my brow. “Jennifer didn’t tell anyone any of that stuff. Her diary did.”

  “Her diary!” Melissa clutches it to her chest.

  Tess breaks free from Russell’s hold and attaches herself to me. “Rachel did it! She planned this right from the start.”

  “You were like the one who thought it up!” Rachel struggles, and I let her go. “You said we should hang out with like her brother, just to get access to the stupid thing.”

  “What?” Mark looks momentarily affronted. “But, hey, you girls are welcome to hang out in my room anytime you want.”

  Heather plucks Rachel back. “And you snooped through her room?”

  “No.” Rachel shakes her head. “She like freaking gave us a tour. It was easy enough to see it. And when she went downstairs with Julie, we sort of stuck around.”

  “You mean Jilly. And you wrote those letters to my sister.” I close my eyes. My entire body fills with relief. I have to find her. No sooner do I hit the door than Tess pulls me back.

  “You don’t really want that goody-goody? She like keeps a diary for fuck’s sake.” Tess presses her chest to mine, pinning me to the door with her tits. “She can’t do things the way I can, baby.”

  “You’re right.” I glance from her to Rachel. “She’d never do the things you two have done.”

  I bolt out of the house and into my car.

  It’s time to find Jen.

  She does things to me that nobody else can.

  I wouldn’t want them to.

  There’s only one girl I want, I need, and that’s Jennifer Barkly.

  Chapter Nine

  Take on Me

  Jennifer

  Glen Heights High sure
is lonely as hell in the middle of a Friday night. I’ve been sitting in the parking lot for the last half hour, so I decide to move the pity party to the field. The cool night air hits me as soon as I get out of the car. It smells sweet, tangy, and earthy like it does just before a storm. I make a beeline for the track. Out here it’s not only lonely, it’s quiet, a little too quiet for my liking, just the way it was that infamous New Year’s morning. If I could pinpoint one moment to this spectacular unraveling, it would be that one.

  My body picks up the pace, and the next thing I know, I’m running, something I haven’t done in a very long time, and, in a small way, I feel like the old me again even if I am just going through the motions, my numb feet hardly touching the ground. The air burns past my nostrils and fills my lungs with its stinging venom. It’s a different ballgame altogether from the early morning air I’ve grown accustomed to. This feels a bit more bitter in nature, less cleansing than my usual morning runs. But, there’s something magical about the night, the spray of stars in the deep navy sky. I hit my stride, and my muscles never stop moving. Maybe this is what I really need, some air, a chance to kick up the clay beneath my feet.

  I run a clean lap without panting, without losing my breath or getting a side cramp, and the idea of a smile comes to my face. I’ve finally broken through that barrier that’s been holding me back. My body has finally aligned with my mind, and I’m one with the track. The air cools my tear-slicked face as I effortlessly make a second revolution. Storm clouds brew above, boiling and black, stealing the stars, the navy sky, erasing all that’s good, just like that asshole who wrote that article did with my life. I know with everything in me it wasn’t Jilly. I can’t believe Jessie and I came to blows over that of all things. It seems every conversation we have lately ends with a blowout. That’s a marker of “the end” if I’ve ever seen one. In literature, what Jessie and I had would be labeled a tragedy, although, deep in my heart, it will always feel a bit more like a fairy tale.