by L A Cotton
“There’s nothing to say.”
Hurt flashed across her face. “Jason, please, I came tonight for—”
“Hey, Cap, you gotta try this,” Grady yelled, and I took the opportunity to slip away. He shoved a sophomore out the way to make room for me and handed me a plate. “What was all that about?” He tipped his head to where Felicity was still standing, watching us.
“Nothing.”
“So last night was…”
“Nothing.” I shrugged.
“Doesn’t look like nothing from where I’m standing. It looks like you got yourself a stage five clinger.”
“She’s Hailee’s best friend,” I deadpanned.
“Never shit where you eat, man.” He slung his arm around my shoulder.
“It isn’t like that.”
“For you, maybe, but she’s got that look.” He glanced back again but I didn’t look, not this time. “And we both know you don’t need that shit right now.”
“Do me a favor, Grady?”
“Yeah?”
“Shut the fuck up.”
His expression fell. “Sorry, man, I’m just yanking your chain.” We moved up the line, loading our plates with barbecue. “Did you decide how to deal with the Thatcher problem yet?”
Shaking my head, I glared at him. Hard.
“Shit, my bad. I’m just concerned he’s going to lure you into doing something real fucking stupid.”
“Why don’t you worry about you and leave Thatcher to me, yeah?”
“Sure, Jase, I just—”
“Let. It. Go,” I hissed.
“Whatever you say, man.” He held up his hands. “This barbecue looks good.”
“So let’s eat.”
And forget all about Felicity and Thatcher.
After everyone had stuffed their faces, we all settled down again. The clink of Coach’s fork against his glass ushered everyone into silence. I pulled at the collar of my shirt. It felt like it was getting tighter by the second, squeezing the air from my lungs and making it difficult to breathe.
“You’ve got this,” Cam mouthed at me.
“Now that you’ve all filled your bellies, I’m going to handover to Jason. Before I do though, I wanted to take this opportunity to say a few words about this young man.”
Silently groaning, I buried my face in my hands.
“Jason Ford came to me an angry, hot-headed young man. He pushed every boundary I set, broke every record before him, and worked harder than any other player I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. But with great talent comes great responsibility, and four years ago, if someone asked me if Jason had what it took to be QB One, I would have had to think about it.
“You see being quarterback requires leadership; it requires a player who understands the importance of teamwork, someone who calls the plays but might not always get the glory in the end zone. Jason had talent in spades. Still does. In fact, I’d go out on a limb and say I’ve never seen a senior player command the field the way Jason does.” His eyes landed on me and he gave me a nod of encouragement. “But talent is only part of it. If you want to go all the way, you have to keep your eye on the prize. You have to forget all the other crap off field, the rivalries and drama, the girls and parties. You have to leave all that at the door and give one hundred and ten percent every time you step out on the field. Jason isn’t perfect and he still has a way to go, but if anyone can go all the way, it’s him. Which is why I want to present Jason Ford the Rixon High School 2019 MVP and Coach’s Player of the Year Award. It has been my pleasure watching you grow into the player you are today, Son. Now you go out there and make Rixon proud.”
His compliment swirled around me, weighing heavily on my shoulders as I went to him, accepting his firm handshake and the two trophies. But Coach went one step further, pulling me into a hug. “I’m proud of you, Kid. Real damn proud. Just don’t forget where you came from when you go off and dominate the NCAA.”
“Thanks, Coach.” I stepped up to the lectern, adjusting the mic. “Hey everyone, I’m Jason.”
A few snickers rang out and Grady flipped me off.
Fucker.
“Coach asked me to say a few words, but public speaking isn’t exactly my forte. I prefer kicking ass on the field.”
The guys burst into hoots and hollers and Coach had to step in to quiet them down.
“Being QB One for the last four years has been a privilege. Football is my life. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. All I can ever imagine doing. And I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to work with Coach and his team.
“But Coach is right; being a Raider is more than just football, it’s family, and I love you guys like brothers. Well, most of you; the jury is still out on Mackey.” I smirked at the sophomore watching me with hunger in his eyes. Hunger I remembered. He wanted to be me one day. To be standing here addressing his teammates, his brothers. But he was too distracted by the girls and parties and the god-like worship we received every time we walked the halls at school.
“Coach talked a lot about sacrifices.” My eyes found Felicity. “But when you want something bad enough, when it’s all you can see, there isn’t any price too high to pay. Mark my words Raiders, one day, it’ll be my name in the Hall of Fame. One day, you’ll all get to say you knew an NFL legend.”
It sounded arrogant; a pipe dream that might never come true. But I didn’t work in what ifs and maybes, I worked in hard facts. And I was going all the way.
No matter the sacrifice.
“Here he is, the man of the hour.” Dad grabbed my shoulder and pulled me into his side. “We’re proud of you, Son, real damn proud.”
I smiled tightly at the group of men gathered around my old man.
“Must be something, Kent, watching your kid follow in your footsteps.”
“It’s something all right.” His hand tightened. “The question is though, does he have what it takes to go all the way?” It came out lighthearted but I didn’t miss the lingering bitterness.
“Coach seems to think so, and I for one, am rooting for you, Jason.” Grady’s dad chimed in, tipping his beer in my direction. I gave him a small nod of appreciation.
“He just needs to learn to rein in his emotions. Take tonight for example...”
I tuned out, my teeth grinding behind my lips. I didn’t want to hear about how I messed up or how I threw away the team’s perfect season.
“Excuse me,” I said, shucking out of his grip. “But tonight is supposed to be a celebration, so I’m going to do just that, celebrate.” Stalking away, I didn’t expect to hear him call my name.
“Jason.” I turned slowly, narrowing my eyes on my old man. “I was just shooting the shit with the guys, you know how it is.”
“Whatever,” I grumbled.
“You’re annoyed.”
“I’m not annoyed, I’m just... It doesn’t matter.” I let out an exasperated breath.
“I think it does.” His audience had dispersed, leaving the two of us and a boat load of shit I didn’t want to deal with.
“You know,” he stepped closer, hands jammed deep in his pockets, “I remember what it was like to be young. To have the world at your feet. To think you’re invincible.” Pain flashed in his eyes. “But we’re all human, Jason. We all make mistakes.”
“You are such a fucking hypocrite,” I spat the words. “Standing up there tonight to talk about sacrifice and dedication and what it means to be a team.”
“Watch your tone, Son,” he said coolly, glancing around to make sure no one had overheard me. Because God forbid someone actually saw the real us, the father and son behind the fake smiles and state records. “I know you’re still upset over me and Denise—”
“Upset? Is that what you think? That I’m upset about you and Denise?” Bitter laughter rumbled in my chest. “I’m not upset about you and Denise; you two deserve each other. You have no fucking idea what it’s been like growing up in your shadow, a man respected and revered by an en
tire town. Knowing that without you, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today, but at the same time, knowing I’m who I am because of you. Cold. Callous... Cruel.”
“Jason, I—”
“Save it, Dad,” I ground out. “You have everything you need now, right? You have Denise and a son you can live vicariously through. And me? I’ve got football. At least I know the game will never disappoint me.”
Felicity
“Have you seen Jason?” were the first words out of Hailee’s mouth as she hurried over to us.
“No, we’ve been here the whole time,” Asher said.
“Crap, he and his dad got into it and Jason stormed off. He looked pretty pissed. I was going to go after him but someone stopped me to talk about the paintings.”
“Fuck,” Cam grumbled, pulling Hailee onto his lap. “This is the last thing we need.”
“You should go after him,” Asher said to me while I obsessed over how his best friend held my best friend. Intimately. Tenderly. As if she was the most precious thing in the whole world.
“I don’t know,” I said, dejection crawling up my throat like a cockroach, “he didn’t seem pleased to see me earlier.” In fact he’d acted like seeing me was the last thing he wanted. “Maybe I should just leave.”
“Ride or die, remember?” Hailee said, her eyes pleading with me. “At least try to talk to him. He looked really upset.”
My heart ached for Jason and I wanted to go after him, I did, but I wasn’t sure my heart would survive another rejection.
“He needs you, Fee.” Asher gave me a half-smile. “Besides, if you don’t go after him, one of us has to and I’m sure he’d rather see a pretty face than Cam’s ugly mug.”
“Fine, I’ll go.” I stood up. “Any ideas where I should try to look?” Coach Hasson’s place was like a maze.
“Try the boat shed or down by the river.”
“Okay, wish me luck.”
The three of them smiled. “Good luck,” Hailee said. “And don’t take no for an answer.”
On shaky legs, I crossed the Hasson’s yard, taking the path away from the main patio down to the river. It was dark out, nothing but the silvery hue of the moon lighting the way.
“Jason?” I whisper-hissed. “Are you down here?”
Met with nothing but silence, I kept walking, bypassing the boat shed. There was no one down here. I dropped down onto a rickety bench, watching the river shimmer and dance in the distance.
All night Jason had avoided me. But despite his cold shoulder, Hailee was right. I needed closure. I needed to know once and for all where I stood. Whether I’d dreamed up the growing connection between us. Because I knew what I felt, and Jason liked me. He just didn’t know how to handle it.
The seconds ticked by, the air like cold fingers ghosting over my face and neck. Shucking into my jacket, I stood up, ready to admit defeat and return to my friends when I heard a rustle. “Jason?” I called.
“You shouldn’t be down here,” he said from the shadows. I stepped closer, the sliver of moonlight bouncing off his hard profile, making him look even more intimidating than usual.
“I came to see if you’re okay. Hailee said she saw you arguing with your dad.”
“Hailee needs to learn to mind her own fucking business.” His tone matched his eyes.
Cold.
Guarded.
Completely devoid of emotion, despite the anger rippling off him in dark waves.
A shiver skittered along my spine and I hugged myself tight. “Jason, come on, talk to me, please.”
“And say what? I thought you got the memo yesterday.”
“So that’s it?” I stuffed down the sting of his harsh words. “You’re just going to walk away and pretend this, us, is nothing.”
“It is nothing,” he ground out. “I don’t know what else I can do to make you see that. You said it yourself, Giles; you were nothing more than a game. A game I won, and now I’m done with you.”
Tears pricked the corners of my eyes, but I would not cry, not in front of him. He didn’t deserve my tears.
Not a single one.
“Why are doing this? Why are you being so cruel? You care, Jason,” I said, steeling myself, “I know you do. You’re just scared. Scared of letting yourself feel something. Well, newsflash, I’m scared too. But I’m here. I’m willing to take a risk on you. On us.” My chest heaved with the weight of the words but Jason looked unaffected.
Indifferent.
“There is no us.” His sharp words made me flinch. “Why can’t you just accept that?”
“Because I don’t believe you. Last night—”
“You think last night meant something?” He sneered, the harshness of his stare like a hundred tiny daggers cutting into my skin. “I was doing Hailee a favor and saving everyone anymore embarrassment. You were a fucking mess.”
The words crashed over me, making my heart lurch into my throat. Blood pounded between my ears.
A fucking mess.
He hadn’t saved me because he cared… he’d saved me out of pity.
“God, I’m stupid.” So stupid. “I let them all convince me you liked me, that you needed me. But you don’t need anyone.”
People with no hearts didn’t have room to care about others let alone need them.
“Finally figured it out, huh?” He scratched his jaw absentmindedly.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for, Jason,” I said with nothing but quiet confidence. I might have been breaking inside, but he wouldn’t see me crumble.
Jason didn’t say anything as I turned and started walking away. But then his voice perforated the heavy silence. “Oh and Giles...”
“Yes?” I snapped over my shoulder, barely hanging on by a thread.
“You might want to think about applying to another school. Penn isn’t big enough for the both of us and I don’t know what crap you’re trying to pull but I don’t want you there.”
My lips parted on a pained gasp. I wanted to argue, to tell him me applying for UPenn had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my parents, my future, but a figure burst from the shadows.
“Hey, baby,” Jenna said, sidling up to Jason as if I wasn’t standing right there with tears in my eyes. “Miss me? Oh, hey, Felicity, I didn’t see you there.”
She saw me all right.
She just got great satisfaction over watching the blood drain from my face.
“You might want to run along now, unless you want to see the show, if you know what I mean.” She smirked before pressing her lips to Jason’s, making sure I got a front row seat.
He wasn’t invested in it; he wasn’t touching her or kissing her back. He was watching me. His hard eyes silently daring me to call him out.
It took everything I had not to jump on her back and tear her away from the guy who had unknowingly stolen my heart.
No, that wasn’t right. He hadn’t stolen it. I’d handed it over willingly. Secretly hoping it was enough.
That I was enough.
When all along, I knew wasn’t.
Jason Ford was the devil in sheep’s clothing and I was nothing more than a game wrapped up in a pretty package.
Something to pass the time.
A game he’d already grown tired of.
“I never had you down as a voyeur,” Jenna’s voice snapped me from my morose reverie. “But if you want to watch, maybe you’ll learn a thing or two.” She snickered into Jason’s shoulder.
Damn that hurt. I didn’t want to believe he’d told her that I’d given up my v-card to him, but at this point, anything was possible. Because I didn’t know Jason.
Maybe I never had.
“You’re welcome to him.” I barely managed to choke out the words.
Just for a brief moment I thought I saw a flash of regret in Jason’s gaze, but then he captured Jenna’s mouth and closed his eyes, losing himself in the kiss, showing me he hadn’t changed at all. He was still the cold-hearted bastard he’d always cla
imed to be. Only it was too late. He’d reeled me and then spat me out, not caring that he’d smashed my heart into a thousand pieces.
Pieces I knew would never heal right.
Somehow, despite the gaping hole in my chest, I managed to turn and walk away from them with my head held high.
From Jason.
For what I promised myself would be the final time.
“This is nice,” Mya said as we ate cookies and ice cream and watched cheesy movies. It had been Hailee’s idea after the disastrous end to last night.
I hadn’t even stopped to tell them I was leaving, I just needed to be far, far away from Jason and his poisonous words.
“I can’t remember the last time I had a girls’ night.”
“Pre-Cameron we did this a lot. Although most of our sleepovers ended up with Hailee plotting revenge on Jason.”
“Hey,” Hailee said, “We still hang out. You make it sound like now I have Cameron, I’m not around.”
“I’m joking, Hails. I’m happy for you, I am. After everything they put you through, you deserve all the happiness.”
“Your brother sounds like a grade-A asshole.” Mya’s eyes crinkled.
“My step-brother is an asshole. But he’s different lately.” Her gaze flicked to mine.
“Yeah, well, different or not,” I sighed, “he’s still a cold-hearted bastard.”
Mya and Hailee both looked at me with sympathy in their eyes. “Please don’t do that; don’t look at me like he ripped out my heart and trampled all over it. I wanted closure and I got it.”
“Yeah, but I still can’t believe he did that. And with Jenna, of all people.”
“Really, Hails? Because this is Jason we’re talking about. He’s disappointed me at every turn, why should last night have been any different?”
“I just thought that this time he would...” She swallowed the words.
“I know,” I said quietly, “me too.”
Although I knew exactly who Jason Ford was, part of me had still foolishly hoped he had changed. That I’d changed him. I had managed to convince myself I was different to the Jenna Jarvis’ of the world when all along I was exactly the same.
