“Ah, you’re into martial arts? That’s great. I used to do taekwondo when I was a teenager. I’m not sure why I ever got out of it.”
“You should get back in. Martial arts, for me anyway, is one of the best stress relievers. I’m not sure where I’d be without it. It may sound cliché, but it’s become an amazing way of life for me.”
“Interesting,” she said. “So, you bowl, and do martial arts. What else makes you tick?”
“I play softball at least once a week during the spring and summers,” I said.
“And what about the guitar?” Shelly asked.
I was confused for a second. How did she know?
“Behind you,” Shelly pointed.
I glanced behind me to see my acoustic guitar leaning against the side of the couch. I’d been playing it earlier and had forgotten it was even there.
“Ah, yes. That’s perhaps my biggest passion. I’m actually just getting back into it.”
“What happened? Why did you get away from it?”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “I used to play all the time and then I didn’t feel the muse lighting the fire in me, I guess. But lately, it just started talking to me again. So I decided to pick it back up. I’m thinking I might start doing some open mic nights again.”
“Oh, so you sing, too?” Shelly asked.
“I do a bit of singing. Whether or not I’m good, that is open to interpretation, but I do enjoy it. And I do some songwriting as well.”
“Songwriting? Wow, I’d love to hear some of your stuff sometime.”
“Sure, I can arrange that. I’m actually thinking of going to the open mic tomorrow night at Jerry’s bar. It’s close to work.”
“Ok, I might have to stop by there.”
“Great, you can cheer me on and tell me how amazing I’m doing.”
Shelly laughed. I loved to hear her laugh and see her sweet smile. Wow, this woman was amazing.
There was a pause in our conversation. I took a sip of my beer and then I decided to open up to her a bit. I wasn’t sure why, but I thought it was the right time. I knew I was probably wrong. I didn’t care. I needed this. I needed some closure. These feelings were driving me nuts. The not knowing was sending me up the wall. I had to find out how Shelly really felt.
“Listen, I am just going to come right out with this,” I said. “I’m really starting to have some strong feelings for you. I know we share this attraction and that it is something that could get us both in a lot of hot water, but at some point you just have to fight for what you want. Now, if you don’t feel the same way about me, or about the situation, then I’ll understand and I won’t bring it up again.”
Shelly was silent for a moment. And then she began to speak. Her voice was soft at first, but it became stronger as she went on. I could tell this was hard for her. It was hard to admit, but it was harder to know that we had to deal with this one way or another. “I know. It’s been eating away on my side too. Since I met you, there has been a very strong attraction between the two of us. I am sure that it will be the end of my career here if I go forth with my feelings, but it’s getting harder to resist. I do think about you… a lot...”
“Great,” I said. “I mean… I do have strong feelings for you. And I thought you had those same feelings for me. It’s a mistake to try to deny that. But we just have to be strong enough to resist the temptation. Getting either of us in trouble at work is the last thing I’d want to do.”
Shelly swallowed hard. “I do have feelings for you. I’ve tried to stop them, but yes… they are there. I wanted that kiss. I wanted to give into it, but couldn’t. I’ve thought about it ever since it happened. I still want it. But if we give in to these passions, it could be the end of our careers. You know that.”
I sighed. “Yeah. It’s not right. They think they can just tell people what to do. That’s ridiculous. But I understand. And I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable in any way.”
“Thanks. But you’re right. This company can’t really expect to run our lives that way, can they? I get where they are coming from, but at the end of the day there has to be a line drawn somewhere.”
“Right. But at the same time, I don’t want to put you in that position. You just got here. I know you are trying to get established. And I would never forgive myself if I was the cause of you getting canned.”
“Yeah, I really need to do well here. I came here to start over. As much as I have feelings for you, I’m just not sure this is the right time to give in to those feelings.”
I sighed. Just when I thought we had made some progress, Shelly would retreat a bit. I knew this was hard. It was hard on both of us, but Shelly needed to decide if we were going to give this a shot or not. I mean, I was all about being as discreet as possible and hiding our relationship from the powers that be, but I could tell that she wasn’t ready to make that leap yet. She didn’t know what she wanted. I didn’t either, to tell the truth. Well, I wanted her. There was no doubt about that. But I didn’t want to put her in the position to have to explain herself or to be called on the carpet to face the music for this indiscretion.
“I get it,” I said. “I just have so much trouble controlling myself when I’m around you. What can I say? You’ve gotten into my head, you are in my world, and that isn’t something that can be easy to shut off. But I’m doing my best.”
Shelly nodded. “I know. I feel the same way. If circumstances were different, I’d say we need to see where this goes. But right now… I just can’t let myself do that. There is too much at stake.”
“Ok, I understand,” I said. “I’m glad we had this conversation and really talked things out. It’s comforting to know how you feel.”
“Right,” she said. “I agree.”
We talked a little bit longer, mostly just about hobbies and things we were into. As we talked, I found myself feeling even closer to her and wishing that we could be together that much more. This was torture, but Shelly had made her decision. I had to respect it. I decided that at this point it was up in the air. It was in her hands. If Shelly wanted to pursue this down the road, I would be there for her. But if she didn’t, then I would totally understand as well. That was the way I had to leave it. That was the only way I could really wrap my head around it and feel that things would be ok. I had faith that this was meant to be and therefore, I didn’t have to do anything to make it happen.
I believed that eventually, Shelly would not be able to control herself either and that we would be together.
Chapter Eight
Shelly
As I watched Gary onstage playing his original song, I found myself being transported to another world. It was like the song was taking me on a journey through my own self and when I returned I would be someone else, someone who thought things through much more clearly and understood the next step that needed to be taken in her life.
After the face time call last night, my head was filled with muddled thoughts of what to do. Gary probably thought I had multiple personalities or something. I could not seem to reach a solid decision about what to do here. I admitted to myself, and to him, that I had strong feelings of attraction to Gary. That was something we both agreed we shared.
But I kept going back and forth as to whether or not I could let myself act on those feelings. The consequences were just too steep. If we were caught, I would be fired and I’d have to pack up and move on once again. I didn’t know if I had that in me again or not. I just wanted to be left alone for the most part.
It was just this thing with Gary. I wanted him so badly. When I was near him, I felt myself trembling. It had all started the first day I met him, when we were working together. Since then, he had been a part of me in some way, a part of my life. And our paths kept crossing each other. It was a stupid idea for me to accept his social media friend request. And then the face timing. It had been so nice. It was wonderful. I had a blast getting to know him and understanding more about what he was about, what made
him tick. I discovered he had so many amazing sides to him.
I shouldn’t have been there that night, watching him play his music. That was one of the most romantic things a guy could do, at least to me, was to see him playing guitar, singing a song into a microphone. It was an intimate moment. There was no band, no lights, or big stage setup. There were no distractions. It was really just him and his heart pouring it all out right there in that intimate setting. And it was beautiful. I loved it.
As I watched Gary start into his song, our eyes met. He smiled as he sang the slow, tender ballad. The song was about overcoming, striving to be better in your life, and doing what you needed to do to make you happy no matter what. That was something I felt most people could relate to, especially me at that moment.
Gary’s voice was husky and deep. It sounded like Johnny Cash. I loved to hear the way he played with the phrasing, never singing the melody quite the same way each time. That was interesting. And the delicate way he added texture to the strumming pattern on the guitar helped me to feel like he was really speaking to me. There wasn’t much of a crowd there that night, but those who were in attendance were all being drawn into Gary’s world right then. He had us all hooked on his every cadence until the very end of his performance.
When he was finished, the crowd cheered wildly for him. The announcer arrived on the stage just then to shake Gary’s hand. “Gary Tenny, everybody. Give him a big hand!”
The crowd clapped even louder for him as Gary left the stage and packed up his guitar in its case. I waited for him at my table and he came over a few minutes later after talking with a few new, adoring fans. That was interesting to see other people clamoring for him. He’d just done an open mic to a mostly empty bar, but he was being given a rock star treatment already. A few of his fans were attractive women, which I had to admit made me a bit jealous. Gary was gracious and thanked them for their support. Then he made his way over to me.
“So, you came,” Gary said as he sat down.
“I did,” I said. “Wow, you were incredible. I can’t believe you ever stopped doing this. You’d probably be a rock star if you hadn’t.”
Gary laughed. “Nah, I just love to play. If I ever had to do it for money, it would probably stop being fun.”
“I see,” I replied.
“So, what inspired you to write that song?”
“A few things,” he said. “When I write a song, I usually start with a good title. Then I sit down with a pad and think about all the things that title could mean, what it could be about and so forth. Then I kind of whittle away at it until it turns into something.”
“So, you don’t usually have a specific meaning for the song?” I was intrigued by his artistic process.
“Well, that’s the great thing about art. It can mean so many different things to so many different people. It’s wrong to say it has to be about this one thing. Because you might feel something completely different when you hear it.”
“I see,” I replied. “That’s interesting. Do any of the others from the station ever come to see you?”
“No,” he said. “Most of them don’t even know I do this. It’s kind of a secret thing.”
“Really? Why is that?”
“Well, I just like to keep the two worlds separate I guess.”
“So, I’m like privileged?” I asked. “That makes me feel so special.”
I giggled a bit to let him know I was teasing just a little.
He smiled and shook his head. “Wow, you busting my chops. That’s rich.”
“No, you were brilliant. But I do feel special that I get to know this side of you that the others don’t,” I said truthfully.
The bartender came over and we both ordered beers. She was flirting slightly with Gary, but he didn’t seem to notice at all. Either he had total tunnel vision on me, or he was just not that interested in obvious women. There were so many interesting layers to this man. Just when I thought I had him figured out, he would go and do a complete one eighty on me.
She returned with our beers. The bartender leaned over very overtly in front of Gary. “I loved you playing.”
“Thanks,” Gary said. He smiled weakly and then focused back on me. The bartender walked off in a bit of a huff that Gary didn’t seem to notice her feminine wiles.
“The staff here is so friendly,” I said.
Gary laughed. “Yeah.”
“Do you get a lot of that when you play? Women throwing themselves at you?”
Gary shrugged. “I don’t pay too much attention to that sort of thing. I’ve been purposely out of the dating scene for six months or so. Since my last relationship ended, I’ve mostly been working on my music and I’ve spent time doing some soul searching to reconnect with myself. I’ve rediscovered a lot of passions that had fallen by the wayside over the years.”
“Did the last relationship end that badly?” I asked.
“Kind of, but most do, right? We just turned out to be very different people after all. That was all.”
“I get that,” I said. “Same with me.” I said that last statement before Gary could retort and ask me about my last relationship. I didn’t want to talk about that right now.
“So, have you always wanted to be a firefighter?” Gary asked me.
“Yes,” I said. “I’ve wanted to do this since I was a teenager.”
“What brought the interest?”
“I was in a fire. I was trapped in my bedroom, and I thought I wasn’t going to get out. I couldn’t get to my parents. I didn’t know if they were there or not. I wasn’t sure if they’d gotten out. I woke up to smoke everywhere. I could feel the heat and I heard the smoke alarms going off everywhere. I was on the second floor, so I couldn’t climb out and escape.”
“Wow, how old were you?”
“Fourteen,” I said.
“So, what happened?”
“Suddenly, I heard someone chopping down the door with an axe. It was a fireman. He got me out of there and down the steps keeping me safe the entire time. I was so mind blown just watching the efficiency of how they did everything, how this man told me to move, and following his instructions to the letter until we were outside safe and sound. There I saw my parents. They’d made it out safely. We were all ok.”
“So, that’s when it got into your blood?” Gary asked. “That’s pretty significant. I think it takes something like that for a lot of us. We have to stare down that beast and decide that we are going to help others do the same for the rest of our lives. But it happens to some people at an earlier age than it does for others, right?”
“Right,” I said. “I agree.”
As I sat there talking with Gary, those sweet feelings I had for him began to grow. I found myself just knowing that what I was afraid was going to happen by showing up there that night, was happening. I wasn’t sure exactly why I had decided to go. I told Gary that this couldn’t happen and then I went to see him play his music, which I had a feeling would be a sensual experience unlike any other. And it was. The man was becoming more amazing and interesting all the time. I wanted to explore his world and find out exactly what he was all about and how it could fit into my world. The consequences could be disastrous, but I was leaning toward the point of no longer caring. I was tired of being afraid of what someone else might think, of knowing that some other moron had this power over me. This was insane. I needed to give in.
But it was so hard. As soon as I made the decision to let it go and be free to make my own choices, that damn fear came back at me with a vengeance, just prying its way inside of me and filling my head full of images of being judged and told that I was no longer worthy of doing what I loved, because I gave into my desires for a man I knew I could potentially love.
Wow…was I really there? I could potentially love this man? Really? When had this turn happened? I’d gone from being very attracted to him, to thinking that if we got closer and I spent enough time with him, within no time I might be head over heels in love with
Gary. This was so frightening.
I had to tread carefully here. I just needed to keep my head on straight and be strong. But being there with him talking, drinking, having so much fun connecting with this man was really starting to wear me down. It had been foolish of me to come there, but I wasn’t really regretting the decision. How could I regret something that felt so good?
“When did you discover your love for horror movies?” Gary asked.
I laughed. “It’s something I’m almost embarrassed about.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a grown up. Aren’t we supposed to grow out of that stuff by age twenty?”
“What? Are you saying that only teenagers can admit to being fans of horror movies? Now, I don’t believe that for one second.”
“I guess you’re right, but I have been a fan since I was like five years old. My dad was really into them and much to my mother’s chagrin, he would let me stay up past my bedtime on weekends to watch scary movies. He tried to keep them age appropriate, but this went out the window quickly, without my mother’s knowledge. By the time I was ten I’d seen more gore and brutal murders on television to last me a lifetime of scares but they never scared me. I always just thought they were entertaining and too goofy to be realistic. They were so cheesy. I loved the more offbeat ones, the indie films, like my dad loved to watch. That was the fun part for me.”
“That’s awesome,” Gary said finishing his beer. “I’ve always been into them. And while I do love the cheesy films, there are a lot of the more serious horror movies that I love as well. I’m especially interested in paranormal films.”
“Why is that?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe it’s because I believe in the paranormal to some degree.”
“Wow, have you had experiences?”
“No,” he said. “I can’t say with a straight face that I have ever had any paranormal experiences in my life. But, I can say that I have an open mind to it, and I believe other people have had those experiences.”
Slow Burn (Forbidden Heat Book 3) Page 7
