The stress of being a firefighter was starting to get to me. After all these years, it was finally starting to wear me down. And I knew that mostly, it had nothing to do with the work. Not really. The truth was that ever since Shelly left me, I’d sank into a bit of a depression and I just didn’t care about myself anymore. I almost welcomed a fiery death, and the fact that it had not come for me yet was a bit of a rub. I just wanted the pain I had to be over. Shelly, my angel, my life—where are you?
I’d spent the first few months hiring private investigators to track her down, but so far they’d turned up pretty much zilch. Either she was the best at disappearing in the entire world, or these investigators were little more than overpriced security guards who thought they could somehow be private cops. That was a laugh. None of them had produced so much as a urine sample for me.
Eventually, I’d given up looking. Shelly was not coming back and I wasn’t going to find her. She didn’t want to be found. This was the only thing that had kept me going for a while, the search for her, the belief that one day I would know the truth. But that had eventually run out. Now I felt like I was running on empty. I was running on fumes. I was out of it completely. And the worst part was that I did not care one bit.
I entered the Chief’s office. I felt tired, wasted, and I just wanted to go home to take a nice nap. Not that it would do much good. I was not sleeping well and hadn’t really for a while. I could at best manage an hour or so and then I would be wide awake for a bit. The rest of the guys knew that something was wrong with me, but they didn’t know what.
“You wanted to see me Chief?” I asked.
“Yeah, have a seat,” Walker said.
“Thanks.” I sat down and made myself comfortable. I looked up at him trying to decipher what was behind the odd gaze he was giving me. He looked like I felt. He was old, tired, and a bit pissed off at the world around him. That was exactly the way I felt all the time. But even through all the turmoil, I never let my feelings escape. I held them all inside and I dealt with them. I didn’t talk to anyone and I didn’t want anyone’s help. I would deal with things on my own in my own way and on my own damn time.
I sighed heavily into my hand as I held back a yawn. I still needed to hit the gym before I headed home. I’d skipped the last two workouts and I was feeling it. Not just physically, but mentally. I sometimes forgot how important the gym was for my mental health. It kept the waves of depression at bay and it allowed me to move past so many foes in my way.
“How are things going?” Walker asked.
“Good. How are you?” I asked.
“I couldn’t be doing any better,” he said.
“Good,” I replied. “What’s on your mind?”
“Well, I just received an interesting phone call. It was from station twenty-two, Columbus, Ohio. Apparently, their Chief is retiring and they are looking for someone new. They heard of you and your stellar performance since becoming lieutenant and they want to see you. I put in some great words for you and they are very interested, kid.”
I was floored. My work recently had been far from exemplary, but I guess I was still doing the job on a basic level, or at least enough to be considered competent. That was only because I loved what I did and I cared deeply about the people that I did it for. It was my saving grace in so many ways. Without the job, I would have come completely unhinged and fallen into a pit of despair. At least, the feelings might have been there for that to happen, but the structure of these responsibilities had kept me grounded and kept me going. I was eternally grateful.
“Wow, that’s amazing,” I said. “Thank you for all the great words.”
“Well, you are very welcome. I’ve never had a better man serving under me.”
“Thanks,” I replied.
“Now, they want you to fly there in two days to meet with them and talk about the job. It’s virtually yours, if you want it, but they want you to come there and make sure you believe it will be a great fit.”
“Oh, ok. I guess I’m flying to Columbus then,” I said. This was a bit different and unexpected. Ok, if that was what they wanted me to do, then I would suit up and fly to Columbus.
I shook his hand firmly. “You will do us all proud, especially me. I’ve always wanted to train a future Chief and I know you will be a great one.”
“Well, I would definitely miss everyone, and it has always been a dream of mine to be a Chief, but I’m not sure if I want to leave Chicago. This is my home. This is where I want to stay.”
“What? You aren’t going to pass something like this because of geography. You are going there and you are going to do awesome. End of story. If you come back here, I’m going to kick your ass,” he said with a large grin.
I thanked him and went home to start packing. The company in Columbus had taken care of the tickets and flight arrangements for me. I went home feeling a bit better about my situation than I had in a while. Maybe this was what I needed. Perhaps, doing something new in another city, a fresh start, a place where everything did not remind me of Shelly and the way she’d broken me in pieces was a good thing. At times I felt so stupid for allowing that hate to linger, but other times I was thankful for it since it was one of the few things that made me feel like she was still there with me.
When I got home, I changed my clothes, grabbed a six pack from the fridge, and sat down on the couch with my acoustic guitar. I’d been writing a lot of songs lately. It was the most therapeutic way I had for dealing with things. And it was working. Since, I’d started getting my feelings out into the world through my music, I’d felt so much better. I was still hurting, but it was something I was able to hide and I was able to deal with. It would not bury me. I was stronger than these feelings and I would do whatever it took to triumph over them.
I’d also been doing a lot of recording. In fact, I was putting together my first album. A few months back, I downloaded a new version of ProTools, and started teaching myself how to use it properly. After a while I started getting the hang of it, and now I was recording my completed songs. I’d picked up a cheap bass to lay down those parts with and I had put together a great electronic drum sound through the system as well. It sounded almost like real drums and gave everything a slight inhuman feel that made the songs sound even more painful I thought.
I strummed out a new chord pattern I wanted to try for the newest song. I only had three more songs and then the album would be complete. I would spend a few weeks mastering it and then I would upload it all online. There were now a myriad of places to sell music and to give music away. I wasn’t really trying to make much money with this. It was mostly about artistic expression. I was in pain and I wanted to make sure the rest of the world heard these songs. If there was any money to be made, it could come later through other avenues.
After writing some chord changes, I grabbed my legal pad and scribbled down some lyrics. I sang them into a microphone and recorded a scratch vocal. Then I started putting other elements to it to make the rough demo that I was going to work with. It was amazing nowadays how easy it was to record a professional quality album on a laptop in your living room.
By the time I was finished, I was getting hungry. I decided to order a pizza and spend the rest of the evening watching movies. This had become a fairly regular routine for me.
But maybe Columbus would bring about a much needed change of pace. I didn’t know much about that area, other than it was almost as cold as Chicago. Most likely less windy, but it was still plagued by miserable winters. I often wondered if I would be happier moving to a warm climate where it never snowed or got that cold. Then again, that would probably get boring as well.
I ate my pizza, watched a few horror movies, and then I hit the sack. I was tired. I had the next day off, and I spent a bit of time packing for the trip. I only filled one duffle bag full of stuff, but then again I was only going for a few days. After that I went to meet Max and Richie for a game of pool.
“Hey, the man is alive,” Ma
x said. He was chiding me because the past few times we were supposed to hang out, I told them I was busy. Mostly, I was just working on my album. They still did not know I did that much with music. They had heard me once at an open mic a while back, but they were not the biggest of music lovers. I often wondered what it was these two guys actually found interesting or powerful enough that it really spoke to them, something that drove them. As near as I could see, they did not have anything like this.
“Yes, I’m alive,” I said. “Wow, you guys are going to miss me when I’m gone.”
Max looked puzzled. “Gone? Where are you going?”
I looked at the both of them and they appeared as if they had no idea what I was talking about. “Really? You don’t know? I figured that word would have spread all over that place by now.”
“Yeah, what’s up?” Richie asked.
“I’ve been offered a job as Chief for station number twenty-two in Columbus, Ohio.”
“What? You are leaving us? For real?” Max asked. He seemed genuinely confused.
“I might,” I said. “Look, right now I have an offer I am considering. I’m flying there tomorrow to check everything out. If it goes well, then I might go for it. This is a hell of an opportunity. It’s a chance to experience something new.”
Max ran his hands through is hair. He was flustered. “I never thought I’d see the day. I was surprised that you took the lieutenant job, but to remove yourself from the field entirely and be the Chief…wow, that’s not what I expected you to ever do. You love being out there too much. I’m telling you, it will be the death of you. The boredom will put you six feet under.”
I nodded. “You’re probably right, but my head hasn’t been in the game for a while now. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m stagnating. I don’t know if you’ve noticed.”
Max and Richie both looked at each other. “Yeah, we’ve noticed,” Max said. “We just figured you were stressed. It happens to the best of us, but we have full confidence you will pull through and get back on your feet again.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do,” I said. “That’s all I’m trying to do here.”
“But do you think you really need to do this for that to happen? It just seems kind of extreme.”
“I know, but it feels right. And besides I haven’t done it, yet. Stop talking like it’s a done deal. Right now they are interested and I’m interested. That is really all.”
We started playing the game and the conversation kind of stalled. I knew what was really going on. Max and Richie were my best friends. They were going to miss me and I was going to miss them. But as guys we are often uncomfortable talking about our feelings, so we spent a bunch of time arguing about bullshit that didn’t really matter and trying to plant seeds of doubt in the other person’s head. That was all they were doing to me.
It was ok. I appreciated the effort. They made some valid points, but so did I. There was nothing that said I had to take the job, even though I was leaning that way. There was nothing left for me where I was. Everything around me reminded me of Shelly. My home, work, when I would purposely take the wrong exit to drive past her old apartment—it all reminded me of her. The city was stained with her presence now. I just needed to move on and start over. I was going to miss my good friends, but we could all visit every now and then. Sometimes you had to go where the wind took you.
And I was stretching my legs to do just that right now. I was excited to see the new station and meet the people there. Maybe something wonderful was waiting for me to discover it, but to discover it would mean I’d have to move on and leave the past behind me.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Shelly
I knew it was a dream. The moment it began, somehow I knew I was not awake, but I didn’t care. I had to at least experience this any way that I could. The fantasy was too real for me to shake myself from it. This was what I wanted to feel right now. I had to get it out of my system and let it play out properly. It was an important step in moving on.
I approached the stage in the bar where Gary was playing his acoustic guitar and singing a sweet, ballad. His haunting voice, the beautiful lights shining on his handsome face, and the sweetness of the melody that tumbled from his lips filled the air around me. I was entranced by the magic of it all.
The bar was empty. We were the only ones there. No patrons, no staff. It was just he and I there in the quiet bar waiting for whatever magic that could happen between us to start. I wasn’t sure what city we were in. I didn’t even recognize the place and I didn’t care. I was with Gary and he was singing to me. At least it felt like he was singing to me. He might have been singing to anyone else in the universe, but being that I was the only one there, I felt that his words were meant for me. His words… they were beautiful, but for the life of me I could not hone in on what he was actually singing. I just felt it. The love was there. He was professing love to me and telling me how much he missed me and that no matter what he would always love me. I could do no wrong. He forgave me for everything I’d done and he now just wanted me and our child in his arms.
I wanted that more than anything in the world. I was so scared. What would Gary do when I finally faced him with this information? He would be so shattered. I had lied to him about the worst thing possible you could lie to a man about.
But for right now, Gary loved me. He was telling me so in the beauty of one of his original songs. He just wanted me to listen to him. I was now standing right in front of him. His lyrics poured into my heart, his melody singing to my soul, and his eyes washing over me with total love, affection, and lust. And then he was done. The last note had tumbled out of his mouth.
He sat the guitar down on a stand to his left and stepped down off the stool moving past the microphone. He was standing in front of me now. For a moment he just stared into my eyes, not moving, not making a sound, and he was wearing a sweet smile with that same charming twinkle in his eyes I would always remember.
Then without a word, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me forward. His lips found mine and we began to kiss passionately. I’d forgotten what he felt like almost, and how amazing it was to taste his perfectly formed mouth. The way he kissed was soft and tender, yet frenzied and savage, somehow mixing the two styles together. And his tongue... oh, his strong, sensual tongue was full of mischievous delight as it lapped against my own and drew me into his mouth where he sucked on my tongue hard, moving it down his throat while all the while continuing to kiss my mouth hard.
I was so wet. It was like I instantly had a wet, boiling pool of lust coming together between my legs. I felt like I was almost dripping, my underwear clinging to me and the moisture seeping through to trickle down my legs inside of my short skirt. I was dressed for the easiest access for him just for this reason.
Gary took my hand and led me quickly over to the bar where I hopped up on top of it. He leaned in as I wrapped my legs around his torso and we continued to kiss like our very lives depended on it. I was turned on beyond belief. I could hardly see straight right now. My whole body felt like it was on fire and there was no end in sight to the sweet, succulence of pleasure being wrought upon my being.
Gary took his lips to my cheek, to my chin, then back to the lips, and then the neck, over to my jugular where he sucked, but not quite enough for a hickey. He was just giving me enough to get me excited. I could feel my pulse vibrating through my neck to his lips as he moved slowly down my long neck until he reached my collar bone.
His hands were suddenly on my chest. He squeezed me through my t-shirt and the bra, his strong hands felt wonderful against my large chest. My breasts have always been big, and they’ve always been super sensitive. Somehow, Gary has always known precisely how to touch them. I loved it when he was tough and rough with my large endowment. He would squeeze them tightly until I thought they were going to burst, but the pain wasn’t really there. It felt more like pressure building up inside of me, and the touch always made my nipples harder.
Gary quickly removed my t-shirt and flipped it over my head. He threw it to the ground hard. His eyes went wide as he viewed my bosom beneath the bra. “Beautiful,” he said. He moved in and kissed me hard once again, wiggling his delicious tongue into my mouth. I suckled at him and then gave it back to him as much as I could. Gary used two fingers and swiftly undid my bra in the back. He threw it to the ground and then grabbed both of my large, soft breasts in his large hands. I was so big that I overflowed his huge mitts. He took my right nipple in his mouth and sucked hard. He was trying to swallow as much of my tit as he possibly could into his mouth. His tongue flicked and twisted around the nipple, branching out to my large areola, and then back to the nipple where he would occasionally bite down on the nipple. Yes, that was great… I loved the hint of danger when he used his teeth. It sent shivers up and down my spine and tingled my sweet spot.
The wetness between my legs was growing. I needed his perfect, large cock inside of me. I wanted him to fuck me silly and split me open until I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to be punished for what I’d done. I wanted to be fucked.
I reached down and undid his belt. Gary took the initiative and undid his jeans completely, letting them fall to his ankles. Then he reached up under my skirt and quickly yanked down my panties. He was so hard. His cock stood up stiff and proud in front of me. I knew what was going to happen next.
He hoisted me even closer to the edge of the bar and shoved every single rock hard inch of his luscious cock into my aching pussy. “Fuck!” I yelled. My head flopped back and I almost fell off the bar as I twisted under the onslaught of his perfect dick. Gary held me tightly and without missing a beat began to thrust his dick into me using long, deliberately fast strokes, holding for a beat and staring into my face.
“How do you like that? Is that what you want?” Gary hissed.
I loved it when he got stern with me. There was something so powerful about it. I knew he would do anything to protect me and would never let any harm befall me in any way, but I loved knowing how capable he was of aggression. I would have felt sorry for anyone that he did want to unload on in a fit of anger. But at the same time it made me feel so safe to be with him.
Slow Burn (Forbidden Heat Book 3) Page 20
