Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

by Timass Reeves

  There are different reasons why couples disagree. Some are more serious than others. We can disagree on something as simple as in what show to watch tonight or what to cook for dinner? These things might seem innocent and not that important, but when they start happening, often they can start to turn into an issue. In other cases however, the case in argument might be something more serious, such as an important financial decision, or one couple doing something that can affect the relationship and having complete disregard for the consequences. Every reason, whether small, simple, or big and serious ones are to be paid attention to. As always, the most important thing is to hear both parties. No matter how bad we want something, if others are also taking part in the decision making or it affects others, we need to take them into consideration. We can't just have things our own way, particularly when it comes to relationships. As we learned in the previous chapter, couples need to do things together. One of the things that often need to be addressed but somehow get swept under the rug is marital sexual issues and even worse, some couples don't know or might not be able to recognize that they are having sexual problems in their relationships. We are now going to look at the signs.

  Your marital sex life is being affected if:

  Your marriage is experiencing a lack of sex or sex between you is basically nonexistent.

  One or the two parties involved is no longer excited at the idea of being sexually intimate with each other.

  One or the two parties involved is not enjoying the sexual experience, and there are problems reaching climax.

  Your sex drives are completely different and this affects your emotional and sexual life.

  One of the partners feels like sex is a form of validation, and feels pressured to have sex.

  You and your partner never speak about sex. It is taboo.

  Does anything on that list sounds familiar? If so, do not be ashamed. It happens more often that you can imagine, and you are not the first or last couple to experience any of these. Now that we know what the problem might be, let’s try to focus on possible solutions.

  Lack of sex

  Many people might think that having sexual problems in marriage are impossible and that marriage is equal to constant sex, but this is not necessarily the truth. Sometimes married couples can go through a period of low or none sexual activity. If you are under one of these, do not immediately think that the spark is gone or that you don't love each other anymore. Do not give your mind the power to start overthinking. Instead, analyze things rationally. Are the two of you very busy lately because of work or family matters? Are you under stress? Are you extra tired and all you want to do is just to get some rest and sleep? If the answer is yes, then this might be the reason behind the low sexual activity. It is completely understandable; married couples have a lot to do going to work, looking after children, doing house chores, etc. Sometimes days seem never-ending and we seem to have no energy; so it’s natural to simply not be in the mood for sex. It is okay to postpone having sex if you are not feeling up to it, but be careful it doesn't become a habit. The thing is that we are all human, and physical contact is important to us. After some time, this starts to become obvious and it starts causing problems, especially if sex was an important part of your relationship before. The good thing is that there are ways to solve this.

  Try to find the time and space: Yes, this is possible even with all those obligations and things to do. If necessary, you can even make a calendar. It might sound odd and people even joke about the idea of having a calendar for sex, but it is actually something very practical, and why not give it a try? It is better to at least be doing something about it rather than just being stuck in a problem. You and your partner should discuss your sexual needs and get to an agreement. This way, you can try and figure out what works for you; having sex every other day, once a week, during the weekend, twice a week; it is up to both of you. It is not highly necessary to write it down in a calendar or assign a specific day or time, however, if you are a person with many obligations, knowing roughly when something is going to happen might be very helpful. This way, you can prevent anything that might disturb you, and eventually when it is time to be intimate with your significant other, you do not have to worry about anything else but living the moment. Needless to say, don't make of this calendar something strict that takes the fun out of things. Think of it as something that will help you. Also, if something comes naturally, then that's a very good sign. You will see once you start being intimate with your significant other once again or more frequently, then things will be easier and more carefree.

  Different sex drives

  There are some cases when we can agree with our partners regarding sexual needs and interests, but there are some others where we are completely on different pages. Maybe to one of the spouses, sex is more important than to the other, and one might feel the want/need for more frequent intimacy than the other. If you two have similar needs and are able to come to an agreement easily, that is great for you! However, if the case is more difficult and you don't even know where to start, then always start from the middle. There are two people in the relationship and each one is at a different end, but the goal is to get to the middle or as close as we can get. So, each one of you has to work step by step. Try to meet each other halfway. You two have to realize that you might not get exactly what you want but by taking the two of you into consideration, you will eventually find what works best for both of you involved in a relationship. The person with the highest sex drive might need to control their sex drive a little and lower down their expectations. They need to stop seeing sex as the biggest relationship; but on the other hand, the person with the lower sex drive might need to stop seeing sex as a burden and let themselves loose. Give things a try and approach them with a good attitude, and you will see that you will start enjoying things more.

  Another thing that works is to try and make things even by having a different routine. Instead of having a routine-type sex life, you can try to do different things every so often. Going through periods where intercourse is more often followed by periods of calm might work for you. As an example, maybe you can have a week that is more passionate and intense, followed by a week that is calmer, or whichever order works for you. It is up to both of you to see how you will divide these periods.

  Lastly, both of you need to know something. Have you ever heard the saying, “quality over quantity”? This saying applies for sex as well. It is not about how often you do it; it is about how it is when you do it. If you start enjoying your sex experiences at the maximum regardless of anything else, your sex life will improve a lot and your sexual connection will be much stronger. The person with the higher sex drive will be satisfied and will have no problems with waiting for as long as needed, whereas the person with the lower sex drive will probably start finding more enjoyment in sex and will probably start looking forward to it.

  Different interests

  Sometimes, having different interests from that of our partner is not such a big deal. Often, we can always try to get on board with new things. However, when it comes to different sexual interests, this might be very different, and it is completely understandable. Although sex is something natural and good, it is still something serious, and each one of us has a different image of it in our minds. The thing with sex is that it involves many things, including our physical and mental health, our morals, beliefs, kinks, desires and many more aspects. So, it is always up to each person to decide what it is that they are into and what is off limits.

  When it comes to sex, some people are more adventurous about it, while others are more conservative. However, it is hard to simply put someone into one of these categories because there are so many sexual acts or sexual related things. Among those, some are considered your standard ones while others are considered kinky. Sometimes, a person can be into a couple of kinky stuff, but that does not necessarily mean they are into every single kink, or that they will be willingly open to trying eve
rything. So once again, it is a pretty grey area. It is not that easy to simply categorize a person, so in cases like this, the only way to know if your partner and you have the same interests is to talk about sex.

  Talking about sex is very helpful so that both parties understand what the other is into. Ideally, couples should have a talk about sex before or as soon as they start being sexually intimate with each other. Nevertheless, it is understandable that some couples haven't spoken about the topic even though they maintain sexual relationships. For some people, talking about sex is even more difficult than having sex itself. The good thing is that even if you have been together for many years but have never spoken about it, it is never too late to ask. It is actually a way easier than it sounds. You can just do it simply by asking them things such as: What is your favorite sex position? What is the thing you enjoy the most about sex? Is there something that you would like to do more? Is there something you want to try? You can ask your partner these questions when you are having a private conversation, and even if they don't ask you about these things in return, it is always good to express to them what you like as well.

  There is one thing that can happen though. What if one of us wants to do something we don’t want, or that makes us feel heavily uncomfortable? As much as we try to meet them halfway with things, there will always be something that is off-limits. So do not feel guilty or bad because there is something that one of you wants to try but the other won’t do. It is perfectly normal to have a limit, so let your partner know what is yours. Nobody is under any obligation of doing something they are not comfortable with just to satisfy a person, and in the long run, even if one of you accepts to do something that the other doesn’t want at all, it will bring more troubles not only for the sexual life itself but also to the relationship. So it is not worth to jeopardize your relationship for something that is not fundamental. Always remember that love, respect and integrity are above all.

  When things are hard to enjoy

  If things in bed do not feel the same to the point it keeps getting harder for one or the two of you to reach climax; or one of the two of you is getting put off being intimate and there doesn't seem to be any cause or root for the problem; it is just that your body is not being able to find pleasure; then you need to start thinking about what you can do to find pleasure again. Think about the things that used to turn you on or made you feel good while being intimate before. If your partner is the one with the problem ask if there is anything you can do that will be appreciated or try to think about something you know your partner normally enjoys. Try to do something or find something new that both of you agree can help you find pleasure. Experiment with things; this is always exciting and it might help you find what you are looking for.

  If none of this is helping and getting in the mood or reaching climax is still a problem, it might be helpful to speak to your doctor. There can be a physical or psychological reason why this is happening. There is nothing wrong with speaking to professionals about it. They have heard/seen it all; they won't judge you and they can help you with whatever you need.

  Things that can make your sex life more pleasurable

  Try different sex positions or acts. It is always an adventure to try something new. However, do not worry if some older or the usual things work for you. Whatever feels good feels good. The whole point is enjoying. We are just simply encouraging you to try.

  Use of toys: Nowadays, many people are opting for implementing toys in bed. There might have been some stigma regarding sex toys in the past, but every day it's becoming more acceptable and normalized. There are many options, so choose whatever looks good for you. The purpose of toys, however, is not to replace our partner but rather to do something different, yet sensual together.

  Surprises are always good, so why not surprise your partner with something special. Do something spontaneous that will make them feel like they are highly desired, or plan something romantic and unusual that will leave your spouse amazed.

  Change scenarios. Do not leave sex only for bed. Do it in other parts of the house, living room, bathroom or any other place you can think of. Sometimes small changes make a huge difference. Nonetheless, you might want to try to get passionate in different locations rather than the four walls you already know. We recommend doing something like a romantic getaway every so often. Many people claim that trips, even the shortest ones, are very beneficial because we are relaxed and our mind is constantly thinking about doing things that will relax us and make us have a good time. Every trip, even the shortest one, can have a positive effect. Make sure to have a romantic trip with your significant other when possible. However, if it's difficult to have a get-away just for the two of you, make sure to leave some private time for yourselves.

  Confidence in sex is more important than people think, so try to do things that make you feel comfortable while in the sexual act. Some might feel comfortable being fully naked; lingerie is also considered very sexy. Some feel more comfortable with clothes on. Try to feel good about the way you look. If you have self-esteem problems, think about what will make you feel better about yourself and try to work towards it. Confidence is not only important in sex, but in any aspect of our lives. Having self-esteem will make you much happier.

  Compliment each other. Sometimes, simple things like being told you are looking good or that you are good at something can bring us so much joy. This is good not only for our sexual life, but for the marriage in general. Sadly, many couples stop complimenting each other with time. Some even think that complimenting each other is something you exclusively do when you are trying to flirt in order to get on with someone, but it isn't like that. Complimenting each other is very important at any stage of the relationship. It is something so easy to do and one of the easiest expressions of love. So do not hesitate to tell your partner how amazing and gorgeous they are. There will be a guaranteed smile on their faces.

  Be sensible. Try to do/say things in the most respectful manner. If you have any suggestions to make, try to make them in the best way possible. Try not to criticize. If there is something negative to say, try to say them in a less negative way. If things sound harsh or like strong critiques, it would only make things between the two of you more awkward. It can potentially hurt your significant other and prevent them from trying.

  Be patient. No matter how adverse things are, there is always a way out. It might take longer than expected for you and your partner to feel comfortable with each other romantically and sexually, but that does not mean you have to give up. Never stop trying.

  Forgetting About

  Past Ghosts

  We all sometimes think about the past for different reasons; it is completely normal to think about it, and sometimes, it is even inevitable. However, there is a point where we need to stop thinking about it so much or avoid doing it all together. That is when it keeps bringing us bad memories that are preventing us from enjoying our present and preventing us from moving on.

  When positive things come to our mind, thinking about past experiences doesn’t bring any negative effects; but when these thoughts tend to come with any signs of sadness, anger or distress, it might be better to leave them buried in time. It is important to remember that the unpleasant experiences we had are now behind us and even if they hurt at the time, we cannot let them hurt us forever. The truth is that bad things happen to everyone. Some of these things are worse than others, and some are harder to forget; but it is important to move on without letting those experiences drag us down. If we constantly let our memories haunt us, then we are the ones sabotaging ourselves. There is no doubt that sometimes our past can affect our present and our future, and that is why we need to cut those chains, and you are the only one that can do that. Nobody else but ourselves can control our minds and thoughts so slowly, but surely we need to train ourselves to block those things that come with repercussions.

  There are many things from the past that can affect us. These are the most common ones: pa
st experiences, past comments, or people. All of these things have the potential to affect us significantly and in some cases, it is hard to just let these things go. Sometimes it is difficult, and you might think it is impossible to let whatever that is affecting you go, but we need to do it, sometimes all together or sometimes step by step. And the first step is to understand how much your life can improve if you don’t focus on these pasts ghosts. If we let these things bother us constantly, they can affect our self-esteem, the ability to trust, our relationships with others, our plans, and many other things. You might not think it is that important or that deep, but whatever that is negative can affect you somehow. So you need to find a way to move away from that in order to have good relationships with others and with yourself.

  We are going to be focusing on the times that past ghosts affect our emotional, physical and sexual life. If your relationship is being affected by something from the past, there are two possibilities. (A) What is affecting you is related to an experience you went through while in the relationship. Something that your significant other did or said that ended up hurting you and caused issues in the relationship. (B) Something that happened in the past that is not related to your partner but still manages to affect your relationship. Whether your case is A or B, you need to know that you are not the only person that has ever been affected by any of these; luckily, it is never too late to try to move forward.