by PC Surname
home life is spasmodically punctuated with sometimes lengthy stays at Her Majesty’s hotel.
After you have established a deplorable reputation for yourself, thoughts may turn to the future and the nefarious legacy you leave behind - after all, you cannot go on thieving and fighting forever. By sowing the seed regularly you will have a brood of descendants to carry on your life’s work and provide for you when this demanding lifestyle catches up with you.
Am I mentally ill?
I hope so. Being chemically imbalanced is an important element of any successful criminal career. Depression, self-harm, suicidal tendencies and personality disorders are all desired talents if you are to make the most of this unusual profession. Mental illness will not only aid you in overcoming the issues or morality surrounding criminality, but also may make you qualify for government benefits to supplement your criminal income, especially when first setting out along this chosen life path (please note, criminal earnings are not technically declarable and as such will not affect your benefit claims). As before, illicit drugs may aid your quest in achieving true mental instability.
Choosing the right crime for you
Whilst it is advisable to expose oneself to the full variety of criminal activities early doors in a fledgling career, it is recommended that in order to be proficient, a criminal quickly discovers their preferred and most successful criminal speciality. Only by practicing, honing and developing their skills will a good criminal become truly successful. Whilst the list is not exhaustible, below is a list of the most common crimes that might take your fancy:
Shoplifting
Coined in good ol’ London town in the 16th century, the phrase – now used globally - literally means to lift unpaid for items from shops and leave without the usual exchange of coinage for goods. Shoplifting is the bread and butter of any aspiring criminal and the best place to start out on a life of wickedness. Whilst stealing to support your own needs and wants is fine initially, to succeed a good thief will also appropriate property with the intention of selling it on to the highest bidder and therefore richly enhancing their own existence.
Vehicle crime
Stealing whole cars is trickier than before. Cars have high-tec security systems now and coded keys that can be almost impossible to bypass. Most high specification vehicles are stolen via their own keys during burglaries (see below). However, in this age of micro-processors, handheld gadgets and tablet computers, stealing the contents of cars is still a very viable option and a potentially profitable one. Despite expensive police advertising campaigns to the contrary, unsuspecting and naïve members of the public still leave bumper stashes of booty unattended in their vehicles, just crying out to be pilfered.
“My oldest lad, Jamie – he’s also a chip off the ol’ block – says some kids have these new fandango electronic contraptions for breaking into and starting cars. I’m old school though – my specialist tool usually has ‘London Brick Co.’ stamped somewhere on it. Sometimes I don’t even have to break in – some morons don’t lock their cars properly! In some ways I’m teaching them a valuable life lesson about protecting ones property. Ha!”
Burglary
Breaking into buildings – especially residential dwellings – is a potential ethical conundrum. However, a proficient criminal will cast aside any feelings of remorse and guilt associated with the distress and trauma such crime causes to its victim. Homes contain all-manner of valuable, sought after small electrical items that are both portable (an important considered factor when making off with the prize) and easier to pass on to sources prepared to pay no-questions-asked hard cash. However, because of the aforementioned stress caused to said victim, should you be caught climbing out of a ground floor window with a 42 inch LED TV in your hands by the local constabulary, the punishment bestowed by the courts may be severe.
“Little tip: just before Christmas is an ideal time to go burgling; often the folks are away and the goodies are easier to find under the tree.”
Fraud
Fraud usually involves complex and often protracted efforts to achieve success in. Due to the previously mentioned mental deficiency of many crooks this intricate form of villainy may be simply out of reach for some. Fortunately, there are nearly as many stupid, gullible and down-right foolish members of the public out there, desperate to hand over their money to a convincing cause. Old people make especially vulnerable victims and are ideal for exploitation.
“I used to dabble in a bit of the dark art meself. Just small time stuff like stolen credit cards, mobile phone scams ‘nd that. But these Eastern Europeans have come over here from places like Uzbekistanovic, Romania and Poleland (sic) and have taken it to a whole new level. Some of the natives think it ain’t right and they’re moving in on our turf, but I gotta give them credit where it’s due – they’re hard working little bastards!”
Drug crime
Dealing drugs might seem the easiest and more profitable option open to an aspiring criminal. The streets are full of drug-riddled junkies just desperate to get their next fix and with ill-gotten cash on the hip to pay for it. But not all drug dealers live the sports car, fur coats, Champaign and VIP nightclub lifestyle – many spend their evenings driving around alone and dealing from their mum’s twelve year old Fiesta.
The phrase ‘it takes money to make money’ could never be more apt than when referring to the narcotics trade. Without large amounts of capital to purchase discounted stock and a trusted network of runners and dealers, making profit from the drugs game can be hard.
Security should be another consideration; competition in the drug dealing world is fierce and desperate punters will not hesitate to do whatever is necessary to get their trembling hands on the powders, pills and potions they so crave, whilst rival dealers can be ruthless to the extreme.
“If you must sell drugs, then for crying out loud please don’t deal to kids… half the time they haven’t got the money to pay and if you let them have it on credit then you’re the mug.”
Violent crime
Whilst gratuitous violence itself is in no way a profitable pastime, violence and criminality go hand in hand just like high strength cider and tramps. If out on the town in an inebriated state from intoxicant induced over indulgences, why not engage in a little fisticuffs with other members of the public to keep you sharp and on your toes.
Using force to take the property of another is referred to as ‘robbery’ and, if this is a chosen route, precautions should be taken. If suitably menacing in appearance, a physical presence may be enough to abstract that which is desired from the would be victim. Alternatively one may seek to enhance their intimidating persona by introducing a weapon into the fray; be warned though, such exuberant behaviour does not carry favour with law enforcement and will result in a much more serious punishment if apprehended.
“In my younger days I might have used a sawn off, knife, screwdriver or even a reliable cosh. Nowadays though if the gavvers even catch you out and about with anything like that you’re likely to get banged up! It’s better to choose your targets more carefully, and just pick on the sissies or those so drunk they dunno what day it is.”
Criminal damage
Of no financial gain; purely a recreational activity.
Know your foe
The natural predator of the criminal underclass is the man (and women) in blue (or black actually). Whilst recent governments have done their utmost to dissipate and dilute the force of law and order in this land, there are still officers lurking around some street corners. Study your enemy; learn their strengths, their weaknesses and strike when the opportune time presents itself.
“I used to hate the police. They were always harassing and arresting me just because I used to forget to pay for stuff in a few shops. But I know most of them by their first names now though. I’ve had a few role-arounds with some of them too, I can tell ya! Ha! One of the bastards broke my nose once! Now, I realise they’re just part of a big game we play. If I’m better at my jo
b than they are at theirs, I get away with it. If they’re better than me… well, you know what happens then.”
Law enforcers come in many forms. To ensure contact and interaction with them is limited to an absolute minimum, aspiring criminals should take time to learn the finer intricacies of their demographic. We will now explore some of the variety of officer you might encounter on the streets of the UK.
Uniformed patrol
You’re regular, all-purpose bobby on the beat. More common in the lesser-striped ‘constable variety’, but you may also encounter a supervising ‘sergeant’ out there – distinguishable by the three chevrons on the shoulders – if you look hard enough. When not holed up on station completing yet more mindless bureaucratic paperwork, the patrol officer is easy to spot - usually in an economical family hatchback with ‘police’ stickers down the side, rather than pounding the cobbles on foot beat. These hard working boys and girls are the enemy front line and to be avoided when going about your business.
Traffic officers
Affectionately referred to as ‘Black Rats’ by their own kind. Just like regular officers but faster, as they are to be found in sportier estate or saloon cars. If you get one of these on your tail when piloting a stolen Escort XR3i you’re going to have to drive most
