by PC Surname
exuberantly to get away. Traffic cops- generally speaking – tend to frequent two main locations: their natural hunting grounds on the faster A roads and motorways; or, more likely, at the BP service station sipping on complimentary latte coffee.
CID
Instantly recognisable by their cheap polyester suits, bulging waistlines and with cigarettes in hand. The sleuthing CID are the ones who you do battle with in the interview rooms. Fighting crime with brains rather than brawn, these hard thinking cops will try to methodically take you down.
Firearms units
As the name would suggest, these guys and gals have got guns! And Tasers and baton guns (single shot weapon that fires a large rubber bullet). If they point and shout instructions at you then it is highly recommended you do as they say.
“When they only had truncheons you had a chance – it was a fair fight. I got meself tasered once; it was unbelievable! I had a few beverages in my local public house, when this young hoodlum bumps into me and spills my bitter. Well I was furious – naturally – and pointed out the error of his ways in no uncertain terms! Now, my recollection of the exact events are a little hazy – because there were quite a few pints that didn’t get spilled and made it to their intended destination – but next thing I remember is some burly copper’s pointing something that looks like my kids Nerf dart gun at me, I’m doing the funky chicken with 50,000 volts running through me, before I black out and wake up with a crowd around me and a table leg being pried from my right hand! Sobered me up pretty sharpish though.”
Dog section
Dogs have been used in European law enforcement since the 14th century, but were not trialled in UK police work until the 1920’s. After WW2 more forces were experimenting with dogs but it wasn’t until 1954 that formal committees were put in place to supply and train four legged officers nationally. Now police dogs can be trained to locate anything from cash, drugs, explosives, cadavers and of course hiding villains. Even the most spritely of fugitive will not be able to outrun an angry German Sheppard so it is not recommended even trying.
PCSO
Fluorescent, do-gooder civilians with very little actual power. Unlike their warranted police counterparts, PCSO’s do not carry cuffs or baton and are intended to provide high visibility reassurance to the law abiding public. Try to avoid interaction with them however, if needs must, it is suggested to just run away from them if challenged.
Hints and tips from the pros
Get your supply line sorted
Ultimately, a life in crime means stealing items from others. It is of paramount importance that this ‘hot property’ can be moved on quickly; you do not want all your ill-gotten gain just lying around your mother’s three bed semi when the police arrive with a search warrant, do you. Whilst it is possible to sell directly to customers, this is also convoluted, risky and distracts from potential thieving time. Developing relationships with reliable ‘handlers’ or ‘fences’ is of great importance. If it’s cheap enough, there are unscrupulous people out there that will take anything off your hands.
“My mate Stumpy Steve will buy anything. Games consoles, TVs, laptops, drugs, even Yorkshire Terriers’. Basically anything you can lay your hands on he’ll come up with the readies for. He got his nickname after he tried to sell some alloy wheels back to the same person they were nicked off of. Turns out the BMW owner was none too happy and took a Stanley knife to poor Steve. He never told him who nicked the wheels though so I was grateful and ‘ave got nothin’ but respect for him for that.”
Beware the all-seeing eyes
The United Kingdom of Great Britain has more CCTV cameras per head of population than any other country in the world. The Police along with Crown prosecutors rely heavily on CCTV footage for evidence. The onset of digital technology has meant footage quality is vastly improved and now recorded and stored in real-time. If venturing out into areas densely covered by cameras, consider hiding your face, or why not wear a disguise to alter your regular appearance?
Fingerprints, DNA and footwear
Forensic science is the nemesis of any hard-working, go-getting, entrepreneurial villain. Upon their first arrest – which usually comes quite early on in a fledgling career – an unfortunate prisoner is powerless to stop police taking fingerprint impressions and DNA samples. After every subsequent arrest fingerprints will again be taken as very rarely imprints can change. It is not a viable defence to suggest someone else was using your DNA at the time of the burglary in question. Footwear impressions are also taken in police custody to be matched at previous or future crime scenes. When committing crime it is highly advisable to take precautions to not leave forensic evidence at the location; therefore offenders should wear gloves at all times and refrain from leaving behind bodily fluids and/or licking anything.
Get your story straight
If you are going to get caught – and you will – it is of paramount importance to have your excuses prepared in advance. If an officer of the law stops you down a dark alley at 4am, have an alibi ready explaining your presence there at such an usual hour: “Good morning officer; I was just off to volunteer at the local orphanage to help the poor little children. I like to start early so I can have their breakfast all ready for them when they wake. Oh, the look on their little faces!”
The police also have access to a national computer with the details recorded of anyone who has ever been an involuntary guest at one of their stations. Simply by acquiring your name and date and place of birth an officer can call upon your entire criminal past. Unless of course you can efficiently and convincingly provide details less than accurate…
“Julio Jiminez, born 29th February 1967 in the great city of Sao Paulo, at your service, officer!”
Confined spaces and same sex company
As Barney can testify, even the best criminals slip up from time to time. Getting caught and sent to prison is all part of the steep learning curve zealous transgressors of the law must negotiate. Whilst the prospect of spending time behind bars might be daunting, it has been argued by most frequent frequenters that jail is a rite of passage ambitious lawbreakers must endure and can in fact be of long term benefit – both in terms of career development the complete submersion with similar thinking individuals brings, as well as providing long term motivation not to get caught next time. One consolation is that Britain has some of the softest, nicest, all-inclusive and well-furnished prisons in all of the world.
“Prison ain’t so bad. I’ve made a few mates in there and learnt a few new skills too actually! I’m on the darts and pool team at my local one – we play the screws once a week but they cheat too much for it to be taken too serious. Prison’s better than sleeping on the streets and you get three square meals a day. Just don’t drop the soap, yeah? I tell you what is a pain in the arse though: this poxy plastic bracelet I have to wear around my ankle for the next three months! I can’t go out between 7am and 7 at night neither; don’t they realise that’s when I’m at my most productive!”
Networking
The idiom ‘Thick as thieves’ is actually very accurate and relevant. Criminality is on the increase and new modus operandi for dastardly deeds are forever being discovered. To stay up to date and keep abreast with the latest crime tactics it is always recommended to find likeminded people and share a wealth of knowledge, discuss vulnerable targets and latest police counter-tactics. Forming small crime teams may also be of benefit as more formidable and extravagant jobs become accessible, with the spoils split equally.
But beware the company you keep
Following on from the above, by virtue criminals tend to be deceptive, devious and dishonest people. There is no honour amongst thieves. For this is reason you should be wary of whom you place trust in. Some villains – particularly those of the East End of London disposition - will only trust ‘family’ as a result.
Conversely, if you are of the particularly ruthless persuasion, other weaker villains might be seen as viable targets – after all, if you lib
erate them of some of their less than legitimate belongings it is not as if they can call the law to assist them in retrieving said items, right?
“My ex Shiela – that’s Chantel, my third daughters’ mum – used to say she didn’t trust anything with either an engine or a willy, because both will let you down at the worst time. Now she might have had a point.”
FAQ
Still apprehensive with unanswered questions? Let Barney Rumbles allay those fears:
Does it pay well?
“Well, if I was to tell you that during my criminal career I've owned a Ford Capri Ghia, a Volkswagen Golf GTi and TWO Subaru Impreza’s; my house has four bedrooms and a 52" TV - no remote control mind; we’ve got Xbox, Playstation and Wii; I can have my central heating on all year round and I just spent £380 on my latest tattoo! I might sound a bit smug but I think that answers your question - yeah?”
What happens if I get sent to court?
“That’s no problem, those Magistrates are muppets! What I do is either deny absolutely everything or, if I’m banged rights ‘cos of CCTV or DNA or summin’, just tell them you’re very sorry, you don’t know what came over you, you only did it because of your drug habit but now you’ve seen the error of your ways and desperately want to change if only they’ll give you one last
