Back to You

by Claudia Burgoa

  I wipe the sweat from my face and turn on the light. It’s just a nightmare but as always, it leaves me with not only the worst memories from that day, but also the ache from wanting her by my side. I scroll through my phone looking at pictures of her. My lungs deflate because she feels unreachable. A pang hits me right in the chest when I come across a picture of us kissing. One of our first times.

  That night we lost so much, and I have no fucking idea if we’ll recover what we had. Tears stream down my cheeks when I remember how she looked in the hospital. Tiny, fragile, and in so much pain. She said she had to go and after failing her, I felt like I couldn’t say no. My fucking heart hurts too damn much. I throw my phone across the room. I want to forget everything we lived together because the pain is unbearable. The memories we treasure the most during our relationships become our worst enemies when we lose the one we love.

  I head to the kitchen and grab a bottle of scotch. This is the only way I can soothe the pain that runs through my veins.

  December 5th

  Wes,

  Thank you so much for the pumpkin pie cheesecake. It was to die for. There wasn’t a letter attached to it. I hope everything is well. I assume that you’re super busy. It’s understandable, but please remember that hearing from you is like music to my ears. Today during therapy, I was remembering the night when Shaun abducted me.

  I never told you, but when the team that came to rescue me arrived in the room, he used me as a shield. Shaun had a knife pressed against my throat. At least, I thought that’s what it was. The sharp, cold blade punctured my throat. Then, I heard the window shatter and suddenly his body went limp and we both fell to the floor.

  There are nights when I dream about that. But instead, he slashes my neck before anyone can come for me. Other times, the sniper shoots me. Once I’m awake, I count using my bracelet to calm myself from the nightmares. That’s when I think a lot about you. Seems like I can only sleep well when I’m right beside you.

  My therapist and I are trying to deconstruct our relationship. Well, I’m the one doing it. She’s guiding me. Was what we had a real friendship or were we codependent?

  Either way, I want you to know that since I left for college, I looked forward to our daily conversations and your visits. The truth is, you’re my favorite person. Our relationship has changed, and it’ll keep changing because I’m not the same person anymore. I hope that we can still be in each other’s lives and continue being friends.

  I miss you so much.

  Abby

  December 11th

  Abby,

  How can you miss someone when they’re right beside you? I’m there, with you. I promised never to leave you. I failed you, but I never abandoned you. Sorry if I don’t write often, but I’m not in a good place. There, I admitted it. My head is all fucked up. I shouldn’t be telling you this when you’re going through worse, but it’s hard to breathe.

  The woman I love almost died, and it was my fault. I was so wrapped up in the company and the fucking IPO that I ignored your warnings. You should be hating me, yet, you still ask me to write to you. Some nights I lay awake thinking about the abduction and how I could’ve prevented it. Others, I wake up reliving what could’ve happened if they hadn’t made it to you in time.

  Some nights, it’s three in the morning and all I can think about are the missed opportunities. In my mind, we could’ve been so much more if I’d have been brave enough to stand up to my father.

  We’re missing each other because we left too many things unsaid and because I wanted to prove myself to someone who was too much of a coward to live life to the fullest. A guy who, as much as I loved him, couldn’t love his children as much as he loved material shit.

  In my mind, we’re walking alongside a trail you’re close to, but not close enough. When I’m having these dreams, you become a blur, and I can’t catch up to you no matter how fast I run. You simply disappear.

  I wish you were here with me by my side. That I could be holding you when you wake up from a bad dream. But I know you’re in a place where they can help you. Hopefully you’re learning how to be comfortable in your own skin, so you won’t hurt yourself anymore. You’re important to me, and the thing I wish for the most is that you live happily. Even if I’m no longer in the picture.

  Wes

  December 15th

  Wes,

  My mind is consumed with thoughts of how much easier life would be if you were by my side. In my head, each night I have a long conversation with you about my day. There are so many things I want to say, to share, and to ask. It’s hard to take walks along the trails when the earthy smell reminds me of you. I miss your soothing voice, your warm arms, and the safety of our bubble.

  I miss you.

  Your spirit might be beside me, but sometimes I feel like I’m forgetting the pitch of your voice. The way your jaw twitches when you’re upset. That slight smile you get every time I’m around. The sexy smirk on your face and your beautiful dark blue eyes. These past six years with you have been phenomenal. I wouldn’t change them, but I stop and wonder what part of me is it that you’re attracted to? Would you still love me if I ever opened up to you?

  Seems like you’re taking your own journey, and just like you feel, I want to be with you too. Please, talk to me. I want to discover who you are while I do the same. If our footsteps ever meet on the same trail, I hope we recognize each other and that we can continue walking along the same path.

  Love,

  Abby

  December 23rd

  Wes,

  Merry Christmas. I wanted to knit you a sweater, but I’m not a crafty person. I tried to learn, but knitting is an art. My fingers are too clumsy. It’s frustrating because I have the mobility, but my fine motor skills suck. One day I might try to learn again, but for now I’ll just focus on painting. It’s calming and easier to accept when it’s not perfect. Beauty isn’t always flawless.

  Thank you so much for the socks. They are fuzzy and warm and the best present ever. Thank you for the books and the candy. The peppermint bark is already gone. Tell your mom that I appreciate the gesture. In case you’re wondering, I haven’t spoken to her yet. One day I’ll send her a letter and explain my silence to her.

  Why are you so quiet? You sent the package with the Christmas card, but I could tell that Anita signed your name. Felt impersonal. Are you upset at me? I hope not.

  If I don’t write before the New Year. I wish you the best one so far. May all your wishes come true.

  Love,

  Abby

  January 1st

  Abby,

  Since the first time I met you, there’s something about you that called to me. Your soul, your heart, or maybe it was your pain. The first day that I made you laugh it was like the heavens opened and the sun shined. You’re the sun, and I orbit around you. You’re so fucking important, and yet I screwed up my priorities when it mattered.

  When I learned what happened to you, I had a hard time processing it. Then, Shaun took you right from under my nose. I’m not in a good place, so forgive me if I don’t write to you. Please be patient with me and don’t think that I’ve abandoned you. I’m trying to find myself under a pile of rubble. When I couldn’t reach you and felt useless, my entire existence lost meaning. I broke into a million pieces, and I can’t seem to find them to put myself back together.

  Everything would be so much easier if you were here. Life is meaningless without you. This year has to be different for both of us. I believe that we are resilient and have dreams. I’m moving on. Not forgetting about my old life or you, but accepting that who I’ve been for the past six years wasn’t who I wanted to be and that you’re out of reach.

  That day in the hospital I didn’t understand what you meant when you told me to chase my dreams. Fall in love with your life before you fall in love with someone else. I’m still cracking that code, and when I do I hope that you’re close by, so you can be that someone else. You took my heart with you, and
I don’t want it back. I trust you’ll keep it safe. Maybe one day you’ll come back to me.

  Missing you,

  Wes

  January 7th

  Wes,

  Remember that it’s always you and me. The two of us. I’m with you in spirit just like you’re with me. If you need me, reach out. I might not be able to help much, but I’m a great listener. I’m so happy to learn that you’re daring to go out and fall in love with your life. If you happen to finally fall in love with someone, know that I’ll be happy for you. You deserve happiness, love, and a life full of dreams.

  You’re the best thing that’s happened to me, and I hope you’re not the last. I’ll treasure you and save our memories close to my heart.

  Love,

  Abby

  February 13th

  Wes,

  Happy Anti-Valentine’s. I wish you were around to celebrate with me. The holiday where you refuse to go out on a date. Ever. Will you ever break that strike?

  I hope not. It’s so much fun to celebrate with gummy bears and action movies. The year when we played ‘would you rather’ with Sterling was so much fun too.

  How are you Weston Ahern?

  I miss hearing from you.

  Love,

  Abby

  February 20th

  Wes,

  Thank you so much for the champagne and daiquiri gummy bears. I received them just as I was heading to therapy. It was nice to have something to munch on during that hour. Though, the flavors you sent sparked a different kind of conversation.

  I discussed with Rose (that’s my therapist) my alcohol consumption. Since my trip to England, there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t drink at least a glass of wine or a cocktail. I used alcohol to mask the shame and be bold and free. It gave me courage while I was drinking it. Not that alcohol gave me any freedom. If anything, I felt like I needed even more when the effect went away.

  The constant brutality I lived through growing up still haunted me. It felt as though a hand gripped my throat. I could hardly breathe because of Corbin and Shaun’s vicious attacks. The grasp is loosening, and I’m not afraid of my own shadow anymore. Certainly here, I don’t drink to make things better.

  It’s funny how in therapy I start talking about one thing and end up discussing something totally different in depth.

  Today we started out with my drinking, and we ended up discussing you. I wonder how difficult it was for you to be with a person who was constantly unhappy and in need of reassurance that the world wouldn’t end. It can’t be easy to live with someone who is ready to jump out of her skin. As the months pass, it becomes clear to me that you had too many people to look after and too little time to care for yourself.

  Your silence worries me, yet I understand it. It’s time for you to step away and take charge of your life. I hope with all my heart that you’re finding yourself under the rubble like you said. I can’t imagine the pain you suffered after seeing the person you’d cared for so diligently almost die. Remember that what happened to me wasn’t your fault. Just like it wasn’t mine either. I went willingly because I wanted to save Peyton. I believed that I had put her in danger. If I could protect her, I might overcome what I did to Ava, and if I died, it was because I deserved it.

  I know better now, but back then that was my train of thought. My therapist calls it survivor’s guilt. How was I supposed to know that she was with Shaun? I tried to feel a little bad about her, but once I learned that she helped him get clients and victims … I’m glad she’s serving a life sentence.

  I get it now. I didn’t put her in jail just like I didn’t kill Ava. You didn’t fail me. Never think like that. If anything, you saved me and kept me sane for six years. It’s my turn to look after myself though. To stop thinking about the things that I couldn’t change. There’s no way to bring back the dead or what they took away from me.

  I’m putting myself back together with the pieces I have and finding new ones that’ll fit just right.

  Love,

  Abby

  March 20th

  Wes,

  Sometimes, when I’m writing these letters I weep and press my pain into each page. Each word and sentence I record become memories, witnesses. As though each word were a flower set to dry beside others. It’s like a photograph of multicolored emotions and landscapes with moments that bleed one into another.

  Every tear becomes a word as it lands on the notebook. There’s a quote on the same page that reads, “If I could have, I wouldn’t have chosen this life.” Not sure who wrote it, but it fits into my life. Except this is what I’ve been given, and now I need to learn to admire each of the flowers in my garden and work hard to cultivate the most beautiful ones while I prune those that can’t stay with me.

  There’s some beauty in my past. You and your family are the best gift. Every trip we took—a treasure. It’s the tenderness and love you guys showed me that kept me afloat. Those memories are what sewed me back together.

  I’ve no idea how long this will take. There are days that I feel awful. Like my skin has been peeled from me and I’m waiting to grow it back. It’s hard to manage—to breathe. I’m in a loop where some nights I feel like I’m being sucked into a black hole. I don’t know how to survive when it feels that I’m being ripped in two.

  Here, I’m not allowed to numb myself. I feel so much that I’m not sure if I’ll survive this journey. I pray for courage. The doctors insist that I’m brave. Being here is the proof that I’m stronger than many others. It all might be true, but when will I find the light? When will I be able to step outside into the real world without a mask, without pretending, and be Abby Lyons.

  All these feelings pass like the seasons, just so much faster. Somedays I see them like flowers that pop out in spring and others, there’s only darkness and bitter cold. And during all those moments I can’t help but miss you to the point of not being able to breathe because you’re not here to hold me. Will I ever stop needing you so much?

  Please don’t forget me.

  Love,

  Abby

  Seven

  Wes

  My hands grip the cold glass of water in my hands, my eyes swivel toward the back of my head in a stress headache. I sigh as the walls become like those in a fun house, changing shape in the blink of an eye. My breath carries the stench of alcohol that enters my nostrils, and my mouth is sore from the amount of alcohol I poured down my throat.

  There’s a knock at my door. I clear my throat as I stand up, only to fall back down on the chair in an unbalanced attempt to walk to the door. Maybe I should tell whoever is on the other side either to fuck off or just open the door. I try to stand again, but the door opens before I can move.

  “You’re drunk,” Sterling says as he enters my office.

  “What gave it away?” I slur my words, staring at Abby’s last letter.

  The envelope is sealed. I’m afraid to open it.

  “Anita called me.” He tilts his head toward her office.

  “I should fire her.”

  “What are you doing with your life?”

  Fuck if I know.

  “She almost died.” I wave the envelope.

  He has no idea what it’s like to live with the pain of knowing that you almost lost the one person who means everything to you. I did, and now that she’s far away, I have no fucking idea how to put one foot in front of the other. The life I’m living is not what I want, and I’m trying to fix it, but every time I go to the therapist some new trauma comes up. How do I fucking feel about being abandoned?

  The truth is, the abandonment of my birth parents doesn’t hurt as much as the fucked-up relationship I had with my adoptive father. He loved me, but I’ll never know if it was just because I did what he said, or because I was his son. My mother leaving after he died hurt. It’s like we didn’t matter once she lost her husband. I resent Mom. If she had told me about Abby’s abusive history, I could’ve done so much more before Shaun and Corbin found her.
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br />   I comb my hands through my hair. Because of me, Abigail Lyons is trying to rebuild her life, just like the doctor had to reconstruct her hands.

  “Abby would be so disappointed if she knew what you’re doing to yourself.”

  I glare at him.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong,” my brother insists. “The fucking asshole who abused her and almost killed her is to blame.”

  “If I hadn’t been at the office,” I yell. “I knew she was in danger. And yet, I had to check on that fucking IPO that’s worth shit.”

  He sighs shaking his head and glaring at me.

  “Weston, I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but you’re no longer the CEO of this company. I’m going to have to take over until you get your fucking shit straightened out.”

  “Are you going to sculpt around the office?” I laugh. He has no idea how to run this place.

  Sterling never gave a shit about the company. I had to sacrifice my life to be the person Dad wanted.

  “It was your choice,” my brother slams the desk. “I told you several times to stop, but you didn’t. It fucking hurt that he never approved of me, but at least I’m satisfied with my life. Now, I’m going to put it on hold while you get your shit together.”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “Because I give a damn about you. I love you,” he says. “I hired people who know what to do and who are sober.”

  “You can’t take this away from me…” my voice falters. “It’s the only thing I have left.”

  “Mom worries about you.” Sterling says.