When a Man Loves a Woman

by Kathryn Shay

  After a grueling fifteen minutes, Ron’s father left, apologizing to Amanda for his former treatment of her.

  She gripped the note, staring at it, wishing it away, wishing it would ease some of the insidious blame she felt eating away at her insides. Taking a deep breath, she opened it. The letters squirmed like snakes as she read:

  This is for all the group. You ain’t to blame. You kept me alive six months longer. I gotta stop the pain.

  Leronne.

  The words were cold comfort. She’d read a similar message nearly two years ago, written in Lisa’s scrawl. Mandy, it’s not your fault. I would never have survived these last few years without you. Please, you’re not to blame.

  Switching off her internal pain, Amanda’s mind raced to the group. They would take this hard, especially Matt, when he saw the signature. But she had no time to consider a course of action because the three teenagers had been brought and were in her doorway.

  Matt braved the first words. “Somebody die around here?” He was joking. And he wasn’t.

  Amanda didn’t answer then, but ushered them in and had them seated before she spoke. “Yes, someone did die.”

  Sandi caught on right away. She pounded her fists on her knees. “It’s got to be Ron. He offed himself, didn’t he?”

  Heather began to cry and Matt put his arm around her. “Did he, Ms. C.?” Matt’s voice was ragged.

  “Yes, he did.”

  “When?”

  “Last night.”

  “How?” Sandi asked.

  Amanda tried to hedge on the details. “Listen, maybe we should—”

  “I said how?” the girl shouted.

  “With razor blades.”

  “Just like the last time,” Heather whispered.

  Jerking away from Heather, Matt stood up and let out a string of obscenities. Then he buried his face in his hands.

  Sandi hung her head and cried wrenchingly.

  Amanda wanted to cry with them, but she knew in her heart that if she lost control, these kids wouldn’t be able to cope. “It’s not our fault,” she said with more conviction than she really felt. “We helped him as much as we could.”

  Gulping back her tears, Sandi looked at Amanda. “He leave a note?”

  Amanda unfolded the paper clutched in her hand and gave it to Sandi. They passed it around, each reading the death message. When Matt finished, he crumpled it and began to pace back and forth in the small space like a caged animal. Then he raised his hand and punched right through the drywall. Heather choked back a scream and Sandi yelped.

  Amanda knew the signature had affected Matt. Crossing to the teenager, she grabbed his shoulders from behind. “Matt, listen, that name became a sign of affection after a while. He liked when you teased him with it.”

  “Sure.”

  “Why do you think he gave you his watch?”

  Matt turned to her with too-bright eyes. “You think so?”

  She willed every ounce of sincerity she felt into her voice. “You can bet on it.” After a pause, she faced the girls, too. “Listen, all of you. Ron wasn’t strong enough to survive his bad feelings. That doesn’t mean it’s our fault. Or that you can’t survive yours. It just means Ron could not. Do you understand?”

  When no one spoke, she went to Heather. She tipped the girl’s chin up. “Heather, it’s him, not you. Get it?”

  The girl nodded.

  “Sandi?” Amanda asked, taking her hand.

  “Yo. I hear ya.”

  And now the toughest nut to crack. “Matt?” She walked over and grasped his upper arm again. “Matt? Tell me you believe me.”

  Big, masculine shoulders slumped. Then, he whispered, “I believe you, Teach.”

  After ten minutes, all three teenagers decided they would go to class and participate in their normal activities, promising to come to the library conference room if they needed to talk during the day. Amanda made a mental note to check on them in a couple of hours. They left, agreeing to return for an after-school counseling session.

  Amanda started the phone calls as soon as the kids were gone. She got Sandi’s mother to agree to pick her daughter up right after the group when she explained the circumstances. No one was home at Matt’s and his brother couldn’t be reached at his auto shop. Damn, she thought as she put a call through to Nick’s office. He was on the line after only a moment.

  “Amanda, what a pleasant surprise. I was thinking about you.” His voice was soft and sexy and she wanted to curl up in it and block out everything else.

  “Nick—” She started to explain, but she broke down, unable to continue.

  “Honey, what is it?”

  “It’s...it’s...Ron Marshall committed suicide last night. He slashed his wrists.”

  “Oh my God, no.”

  Amanda heard real fear in his voice. She gripped the receiver tighter. “Nick, it doesn’t mean that Heather is going to do anything like this. She’s getting better, at least I think she is...”

  “Yes, I know that. How did she react to the news?”

  “She took it hard. All the kids in my group did.”

  “I’ll bet. Should I come and get her?”

  Running a shaky hand through her hair, Amanda thought for a second. “No, I don’t think so. She says she wants to stay here. We’ll be running support groups today for anyone who needs to talk.”

  “All right, if you’re sure. Call me if anything changes.”

  “I will.” She knew her voice was tremulous and tried to quell the quiver.

  “What about you? I’m concerned about you, too, sweetheart.”

  His solicitousness brought the shakiness back. “Oh, Nick, I’m not sure I can handle this.”

  “Yes, Amanda, you can. You’re a strong woman.” He was confident and it came as solid support through the phone lines.

  “Am I?” She watched her hand tremble in her lap.

  “You are. You divorced an insensitive man because he couldn’t give you what you needed. You stood up to your father and waited thirty-six hours in the airport to follow through with your decision. And, much as I hate it, you never back down on one single thing with me.” He ended with a snort that almost made her smile.

  “Thanks.” After a pause, she said, “I have to go, it’s almost time for the first class. The reason I called was to say you need to arrange to be with Heather tonight, as soon after school as you can.”

  “Of course. I’ll pick her up at three.”

  “Make it three-thirty. There’s a general counseling session at the end of the day that she should attend.”

  “Fine. Do me a favor. When you see Heather, give her my love and tell her I’m thinking about her.”

  In spite of her sadness, Amanda felt an arrow of admiration shoot through her. “I’ll make a point of it.”

  “You go now, honey.” Nick’s voice was low and sincere. “I have all the faith in the world that you can help the kids through this.”

  Those words sustained Amanda through the horror of the day. More students than they expected showed up each class period and several teachers came down to the library, too.

  Amanda glanced up at the clock when there was finally a break in the flow. She hadn’t even stopped for lunch. Two-thirty. Massaging her constricted neck muscles, she thought, Just one more hour left. You can do it.

  Her determination faltered when she saw Nick standing in the doorway. He looked so big and unbreakable and she wanted to fling herself into his arms. Instead, she remained composed and walked calmly toward him.

  When she reached him, he touched her cheek and caressed it gently. “You all right?” When she nodded, he added, “That’s my girl.”

  She smiled weakly. “You’re early.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  Taking her elbow again, he steered her to a corner. “How did it go?”

  Closing her eyes, she rubbed the lids. “It was tough.”

  “Have you seen Heather?”

  “Yes, she came down a
t lunch. She’s sad, and confused, but she’s hanging in there.” Amanda looked up into Nick’s eyes. “She’s got a lot of you in her.”

  Nick smiled and squeezed her arm.

  At the bell, several students filed in. Nick watched Amanda and wondered if her slender shoulders could tolerate any more today. She looked as if she was ready to collapse. He was worried about her, though he understood her need to see this through to the end.

  When she pushed herself away from the wall and began to move toward them, then halted abruptly, his concern escalated. He followed her gaze to a tall man who had just appeared and started in her direction. Jack Thornton! Nick knew how the principal had sloughed off Amanda’s comments about Ron earlier in the week. When Thornton reached Amanda, she stood erect and crossed her arms over her chest.

  At close range, Nick could see the grim line of the principal’s mouth and the skin pulled tightly across his cheekbones. He was clearly suffering. Good.

  Thornton lifted his hands, palms up, in a gesture indicating helplessness. “Amanda, I don’t know what to say.”

  Nick watched anger, regret and finally compassion cross Amanda’s face. He knew from the way she smiled sadly that she was going to comfort the guy, but he was still stunned when she reached out and took Thornton’s hands. “We all let him down, Jack.”

  Thornton’s eyes widened in surprise. “No, that’s not true. But thanks for saying it.” His voice was ragged. “I’m so sorry.”

  “So am I.”

  Had he once called this woman superficial? Selfish? My God, he’d never seen a deeper, more humane response.

  When the counseling session started, Nick stood in the back and watched Amanda field questions and offer suggestions to help the kids cope. All the while, her eyes looked so sad, it broke his heart. And he could do nothing for her.

  He could, however, help the slight blond child who catapulted herself into his arms the minute the meeting ended. “Oh, Daddy, I’m so glad you came. Isn’t it awful?”

  Hugging his living, breathing child, he closed his eyes to keep back the moisture. “Yes, it’s awful, sweetie. But I’m here now.”

  Amanda was a few feet away talking with an older woman and her daughter. The teenage boy from the knife fight was with them and the three left together. Then, she joined Nick and his daughter.

  “Is that Sandi’s mom?” Heather asked.

  “Yes. They’ve invited Matt to come home with them for the evening. You all need to be with someone.”

  Heather’s forehead furrowed in concern and she reached out to touch Amanda’s sleeve. “What about you, Ms. Carson?”

  Amanda linked her hands in front of her. “I’m fine, honey. You go on with your dad.”

  “Come with us?” he offered. But he knew what she was going to say before she got it out.

  “No, not tonight. You and Heather need to be alone.” Staring into his gray eyes with glassy blue ones, she sighed. “She needs your undivided attention, Nick. I’d interfere with that.”

  He got the message. His daughter was in pain and she came first. He wanted to hold and protect Heather forever. But he also wanted to comfort this brave, hurting woman.

  Before he could say any more, Heather turned and wrapped her slender arms around Amanda’s waist. “Thank you, Ms. Carson. No one could have got through today without you.”

  Shutting her eyes, Amanda held on to the human warmth she obviously needed.

  Damn, what can I do? Nick thought.

  In the end, he had no choice but to leave Amanda standing by herself in the emptying library. She’d helped the kids all day and now she would have to confront her own demons alone. It just wasn’t fair.

  Which was why, thirty minutes later, he found himself dialing an unfamiliar phone number on his cell phone.

  A voice very similar to Amanda’s answered, “Hello.”

  “Mrs. Carson?”

  “Yes?”

  “You don’t know me, but I’m a friend of your daughter’s. My name is Nick DiMarco.”

  “Why, yes, Mr. DiMarco, I’ve heard your name.”

  A little surprised, he said, “I’m calling to tell you that your daughter needs you right now.”

  “Has something happened to her?” There was a trace of panic in Joan’s voice.

  “No, no. I didn’t mean to alarm you. Amanda’s fine. Physically, anyway. But there’s been a tragedy at the school and I can’t be with her at the moment. I’m afraid she’s alone now and she shouldn’t be. She’s spoken a lot of your recent...your closeness and I thought you could go to her since I can’t.”

  “Of course,” Joan answered automatically. “Tell me, though. What kind of tragedy?”

  Nick blew out an exasperated breath. “A student of Amanda’s committed suicide last night.”

  “Oh my God, no.”

  “She’s taking it pretty hard.”

  “You have no idea how hard this will be for her, Nick. I’ll hang up now and get right over there.”

  The hairs on the back of his neck tingled and he felt his stomach lurch the way it used to just as he got tackled on the football field. “Mrs. Carson, what don’t I know?”

  There was a slight pause on the other end. Then, Joan answered softly, “Amanda’s sister, Lisa, committed suicide two years ago next month.”

  o0o

  Amanda let her mother baby her as she hadn’t done in years. When Joan arrived at her doorstep at five o’clock that afternoon, Amanda finally let loose the tears that had threatened all day. After they settled into the porch, a fire burning in the corner, hot cider in their hands, Amanda poured out the entire story. Joan cried for both her daughters, and so did Amanda.

  The catharsis helped them. After a while, her mother cooked a light supper of omelets and croissants with a glass of Chardonnay each. Still sad, though not as despairing now, Amanda tensed at ten o’clock when the doorbell rang.

  “Oh, Mother, it must be someone from school checking on me. I don’t want to talk to anyone now. Could you tell them I’ve gone to bed?”

  Joan patted her hand as she rose. “Don’t worry, dear, I’ll take care of it.”

  She returned in a moment with Nick. Amanda was so surprised to see him that tears misted her eyes again. She was off the couch and in his arms in a flash. He held her tightly against him and she felt safer and warmer than she had in a very long time.

  “It’s so good to see you,” she whispered into his chest.

  “You, too. I’ve been worried about you all night.”

  As if that reminded her of both her mother and Heather, Amanda pulled back. “Nick, you should be with your daughter. I’m okay, really.”

  He smiled and brushed a stray lock of hair from her eyes. “Heather’s in bed fast asleep and Beth is staying overnight. I want to be with you now, Amanda.”

  She stared at him a moment, then turned to Joan. “Mother, this is—”

  Stepping forward, Joan smiled. “Yes, I know who this is. He and I had an interesting conversation earlier today.”

  Amanda looked at them and realization struck. She peered into her mother’s face. “I wondered how you just happened by.”

  As she pulled on her leather coat, Joan smiled. “I’ll let you two sort this out. I’m leaving now.” Facing her daughter, her expression became somber. “Remember all we talked about tonight, young lady.” Her mother kissed her and was gone.

  Amanda barely had time to say goodbye before she found herself in Nick’s arms once more. Then, separating only long enough to shed his bomber jacket, he led her to the couch. He settled them on the nubby fabric, pulled her to him and held her next to his heart. Amanda cuddled into him.

  “How’s Heather?” she asked. “Tell me what you’ve been doing the last few hours.”

  Nick rubbed her back as he talked. “She was calm when she went to bed, but she cried a lot before that. She’s sad, and mad, too, I think.”

  “That’s a common reaction.”

  “We talked for the first hour
or so, but then we managed to eat a little supper and play a bit with Jason. I stayed in her room until she fell asleep. I think that meant the most to her.”

  Amanda looked up at him “It would. Trying to fall asleep after something like this is the scariest part.”

  Nick smoothed a hand down her jaw. “What about you? How are you holding up?”

  With those few words of compassion, Amanda began to cry again. Nick pulled her tighter and stroked her hair, crooning phrases of comfort. When the fresh bout of tears passed, he handed her his handkerchief and she pulled away to blow her nose. All defenses down now, she muttered, “Oh, great, I spend all these months making sure I look good every time I see you and now you catch me with a puffy eyes and blotches on my face.”

  He reached out and ran his fingertips over her mottled skin. “You’re a beautiful woman, Amanda Carson, inside and out.”

  When she shook her head, he wouldn’t allow her denial. “Yes. You helped a bunch of troubled teenagers get through the day. I heard about it, blow by blow, from Heather. You took care of the kids in your group and you didn’t even berate Jack Thornton, though I wanted to punch his lights out. I’ll bet you stayed and talked to other teachers, too, didn’t you?”

  She nodded.

  He reached for her. “Come here, babe, it’s my turn to take care of you.”

  Amanda settled back into him, feeling the softness of his knit green shirt against her face. “What made you call my mother, Nick?”

  “I was so worried about you and so frustrated I had to leave you. It goes without saying that I wanted to be with Heather tonight. I’d give my life for her.” His voice was soft as he told her of his quandary. “But it killed me to walk out of there and leave you alone to deal with this.”

  His hand moved rhythmically on her arm and his voice lulled her. “You’d talked about your mother’s new interest in your job, her recent approval. So I called her.”

  Burying her face in his chest, Amanda inhaled the male scent of him. “Thank you.”

  “Did it help?”

  Silent for several seconds, Amanda’s voice was strained when she spoke again. “Yes, it did. For a lot of reasons. Nick, there’s something you don’t know about my family.”