by Liz Bradford
She put her hand on his forearm. “I wouldn’t have listened.”
He smiled at her. “But congratulations on the baby.”
She fiddled with the corner of her cloth napkin. “Thanks. But I can’t help but feel like everything is all my fault.”
“I know exactly how you feel. After all my mistakes, I looked at my son’s life and thought the same thing. He walked away from the faith, then turned to a life of sin. It was all my fault. If I hadn’t walked out on him, Heather, and their mom... I had dealt with all that years ago, but last fall it all hit me in the face again. The devil tried so hard to throw my sins back in my face.
“When I found out what happened to Ella, I once again felt like somehow it was all my fault. But that’s a lie. Yes, I made a mistake. Yes, you made a mistake. But God has redemption in mind. He makes a way for us. He turns it all around for our good and His glory.”
“But I don’t see how. How can God redeem this mess? I’m going to have another man’s baby, and my husband is in jail because he tried to kill us as a result. How can that be redeemed?”
“That’s exactly what redemption is. It’s God taking the ugliest of our ugly and making it beautiful. And only He can do that. Only He can take our sin and make something good. It’s hard to know what that good will be, but once you’re out of it, you’ll be able to look back and see how God was weaving you into the woman He wants you to be.”
Tears welled up in her eyes. “Can I ask, how have you seen God redeem your life?”
He smiled at her. “I have two more beautiful children.” Jocelyn followed his gaze over to where two teenagers stood with Carol, his wife. “I’m seeing fruit in Adam’s life now. God has taken what was disgraceful and downright evil and blessed me through it.”
“How do I make it right?” She looked across the room to Gavin.
“Sounds like you’re already on the right path. It was years before Carol and I acknowledged our sin and came to repentance. We had already run off, I had divorced Adam’s mom, married Carol, and we had our second child on the way before I fell on my face before God.”
“But you knew the whole time that what you were doing was wrong.”
“Oh yeah. Bet you did too.”
She nodded. “So you repented. What else did you do?”
“Well, repenting was most important. I sought forgiveness from all I had sinned against. It was a sticky situation, though. What was I to do? I couldn’t fix my first marriage anymore, not without breaking another vow.”
“Oh, that is complicated. I was willing to work it out with Patrick, but he wanted me to get an abortion. I didn’t feel like I had a choice but to file for divorce.”
“I think you did the right thing. You were not safe in that marriage. You had to get out. Is the divorce final?”
“No, it hasn’t even been a month since I filed. But I can’t help but think about what comes next. Once I am divorced, can I even entertain the idea of getting married again one day, or will I be a single mom the rest of my life?”
“I can’t know the future, but I do know that we don’t have to pay penance. Christ’s work on the cross was complete and final. He forgives. The slate is wiped clean.”
“Grace.”
“Exactly. We don’t deserve a clean slate, but He gives it to us, anyway.”
“Thanks, I needed this.”
“Anytime. I also wanted to tell you that if you need a place to get away to, we’ve got a spare bedroom in Atlanta waiting for you.”
She had hardly seen since she was a kid, but she felt closer to him than ever. He understood what she was going through and was on the other side.
He squeezed her shoulder and said, “Now go dance with that young man.”
“Gavin? You think it’s okay?”
“Yes, dancing is fine.”
“Are you sure you were a Baptist pastor?”
“Still am.”
“You’re a pastor again?”
“I am. It was a long road to restoration, but God is good.”
Hope filled her. She jumped to her feet and joined Gavin on the dance floor.
Jocelyn laughed as Adam twirled her around. Callie had stolen Gavin away to teach her and Molly some line dancing, so Adam had taken her for a spin around the dance floor, literally.
“May I cut in?” Gavin tapped Adam on the shoulder. “Don’t you have a wife you should be dancing with?”
“Why, yes. Yes, I do!”
Jocelyn and Gavin laughed as Adam left them in search of his bride, who was across the floor dancing with Uncle Steve.
“Hey, you.” Gavin took her hand in one of his and placed his other on her waist.
“Hey.” Another song started. It was a faster song, but that didn’t pull them apart.
“You look flushed. You doing okay? Need some air?”
“That would probably be good.”
They walked out onto the terrace hand in hand, then headed down the steps to a patio lined with a short, stone wall. Strolling toward the edge, they gazed out over the pond, now illuminated by a full moon.
“It’s gorgeous out here,” she said.
“Yes, it is.”
Turning toward Gavin, she realized it wasn’t their surroundings he was appreciating. She blushed.
“You did it.” He brushed a stray strand of hair away from her face. “You made me have fun tonight. I feel a lot better than I did earlier.”
“Good.” Satisfaction filled her heart.
Their eyes locked. She looked away quickly as the intense urge to kiss him took over. Her whole body tingled. Her breath was shallow and quick. He ran his hand through her hair, and the scent of his cologne drew her closer. She leaned her head against his chest with her hands rested on his hips. He stroked her back then leaned his head down and kissed the top of her head. She melted deeper into his arms.
She stepped back slightly and looked up into his face. It was there. Desire. Overwhelming desire. And before she could stop herself, her lips met his that still held the taste of wedding cake. The music in the background faded as the kiss deepened. His hands drew her closer, and she slid her arms around his neck and ran her hands through his hair. The baby kicked as their bodies drew closer together. But they didn’t stop.
They had to stop. The air was gone from her lungs. She pushed him back and took two more steps away, trying to catch her breath. She buried her face in her hands, unable to look at him. She couldn’t do this.
“I’m sorry, Gavin.”
Without waiting for him to reply, she turned and ran across the lawn and around the building.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Gavin stood there, mouth agape, body reeling. Jocelyn ran away from him and disappeared into the night. He could pummel himself. Why had he let himself kiss her?
“Oh sorry, Gavin, didn’t see you out here,” Becca’s voice broke into his thoughts. “What a nice spot!”
He looked over at his partner and her husband. “Yeah, it’s really romantic. The spot’s all yours.” His shoulders dropped, and he began walking in the opposite direction from Jocelyn.
“Oh, no, you don’t. What’s wrong? And where’s Jocelyn? I thought you two came out here together.”
“We did…” Grief overtook him and tears filled his eyes. “I screwed up. I kissed her. She freaked out and ran that way.” He pointed.
“I’ll go find her,” Becca said.
Gavin turned toward the pond and leaned on the half wall. Jared walked up next to him and put his hand on his back. Gavin shook his head. “Why do I always mess things up? We were having such a nice night.”
“I’m pretty sure your kiss was mutual. I saw how she’s been looking at you this evening.”
“Yeah? Either way, I messed up. Aren’t I supposed to be guarding her heart? Protecting her? I didn’t protect her heart tonight.”
“No, you didn’t. Didn’t protect your own, either.”
“What do I do now?”
“Repent. You confes
sed. Take it to Jesus. And then change your behavior.”
“But how? I can’t stay away from her. We’re having a baby together. How do you stop loving someone?”
“You don’t. Gavin, I don’t envy you and the position you’re in. But you two need to back off from each other. And focus on Jesus.”
Gavin hung his head. Jared was right, even if he didn’t want him to be.
“I don’t want to give you false hope, but I’d be surprised if something doesn’t happen between you down the road. However, you need to let her go right now. You need to let her divorce be finalized.”
“I know.”
“She’ll be okay. She’s safe from Patrick now, so—”
“Now I have to protect her from me.”
“Don’t beat yourself up. That’s counterproductive.”
Gavin nodded. God, I’m sorry.
Jocelyn picked up her shoes. Trudging barefoot would be better than the blisters she was getting on her heel. What was she thinking walking home? It was probably ten miles, but she’d already made it out of the country club and down the road. She hadn’t even gone back in to get her bag with her phone and keys. Foolish decision after foolish decision. Now she was stuck. The only consolation was that it was beautiful out. It would take her all night to get home, but she’d get there eventually, and someone would find her bag and bring it to her.
She wiped a few last tears from her face. Why had she kissed him? Why did she love him so much?
“Jocelyn!”
She turned her head to see who had called her name, but continued walking. She had been afraid Gavin would try to follow her, and she wished he had, but it was Becca.
“Jocelyn, wait up.”
Jocelyn stopped and let Becca come up alongside of her. Becca’s heels were in her hand.
“You okay?”
Jocelyn shrugged and started again.
“Why are you walking down the road?”
“I’m headed home.”
“Where’s your car?”
“I came with Gavin.”
Becca nodded. “What happened?”
“I kissed him… What I was thinking? Guess I wasn’t.”
Becca grabbed Jocelyn’s elbow and pulled her to a stop. “You can’t run away from it.”
“I have to, Becca. I can’t do this. I want him. But I want Jesus more. Obedience is more important to me. I have to go. I have to get as far from Gavin as I can.”
“But how? You work in the same building, go to the same church. You’re having his baby.”
“I need space for a while. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t even have a place to live. But I’ll figure something out.”
“Will you at least let me drive you home tonight?”
She nodded and let Becca pull her into a hug. Jocelyn was grateful for a friend who gave her so much grace and understanding. But what was Jocelyn going to do? I need wisdom, Jesus.
Gavin pulled the door to the church open. He hoped Jocelyn would be here this morning. He needed to talk to her and apologize. He had gone by her house, but she wasn’t there. He scanned the lobby and didn’t see her. He peaked into the sanctuary. No Jocelyn. His heart sank.
“She’s not here.”
He jumped and turned to see Becca standing behind him. “No? I thought maybe she’d come.”
“She wanted to spend some time alone with God, but said if you were looking for her to tell you to go find her.”
He furrowed his brow and tilted his head.
“She said you’d know where to find her. And she said something about the rock on your desk, but that didn’t make sense since you still haven’t told me that story.”
He laughed. “I’ll tell you tomorrow. First, I have to go find her.”
“Gavin”—Becca grabbed his arm—“you may not like what she has to say.”
His heart sank again. “I don’t like what I have to say.”
Becca smiled slightly. “Praying for you guys.”
“Thank you.”
He walked out the door, got into his truck, drove straight to the highway, and traveled west toward the Catawba River. They’d found a special spot there years ago, and it had always been the place they’d gone when they needed to do some serious thinking.
Twenty minutes later he pulled down the last stretch of winding back roads. He drove along the dirt road that wound along the river. His eyes fell on her car, right where he expected it to be. He smiled, but his nerves started eating his stomach. He wasn’t sure what she wanted to say, and he really wasn’t sure how he was going to say what he needed to. He parked his truck next to her SUV and walked down the overgrown path toward the river.
He found her cross-legged on the ground by the river’s edge.
“Jocelyn.”
She turned and smiled. “Hey. Thought you’d find me here. Come sit.” She patted the ground next to her.
He joined her, folding his arms across his bent knees. Her eyes were narrow and serious. She handed him a rock. His mind went back to time when he took the stone he now kept on his desk. It had been the day after Nikki’s funeral. They had come out here together and cried for a long time. That was when he had been able to explain the gospel to Jocelyn. When he had convinced her to keep going despite the grief.
Jocelyn sat quietly.
“I’m sorry about last night.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry too. I wish we didn’t have to be…”
“Me too.”
Silence lingered for a moment. “I’m leaving Hazel Hill.”
“What?” Panic sped up his heart.
She smiled. “It’s temporary. Uncle Steve has opened his house to me down in Atlanta.”
“What about work?”
“Last week my boss offered to let me work some remotely. This morning I convinced him to let me take it a step further. I obviously can’t shoot crime scenes from Atlanta, but I can process pictures and such. It’s a super-specialized situation, and I’m so grateful for the opportunity.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow. Becca is helping me pack this afternoon. And Caleb and Doug are coming over to help move my stuff into storage, so I don’t have to worry about the house.”
“That makes sense.”
“I’ll be back to have the baby, maybe sooner, and I want you there when he’s born. I’m not sure about a lot right now. But I do know I can’t do us. I can’t pretend anymore.”
His heart constricted. He needed to say the same thing, but it still hurt so much to hear her say it. She wiped tears from her face.
“Gavin, I love you even more than you could know.”
“I have a pretty good idea. I love you too.”
“I know. And we’ll figure this all out at some point, but…”
“We need some space.”
“Yeah.” She scooted closer to him. He put his arm around her as she cried into his shoulder. His own tears dampened her hair.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Patrick threw the stress ball he had against the cell wall from where he lay on his cot. He had heard a conversation between two of the guards earlier about Adam’s wedding this past weekend. His skin crawled. And he threw the ball harder.
“North.” A guard stood at his cell door.
“What?”
“Your lawyer is here.”
He stood, and, once his hands were cuffed, he followed the guard down the hallway of the prison. He scoped out the room where his lawyer waited. It was heavily secured. His plan was formulating, but this definitely would not be a part of it.
“What do you want?” He sat.
“Your thirty days to contest the divorce are almost up. Is there anything you’d like to do?”
“Nah. Let her have whatever. Let her think she’s won.” It was just a matter of time before he got his way, and maybe it was worth letting her think she had everything her way.
“Really? I thought you’d put up a fight. Make it harder for her to g
o off and marry her lover.”
“Whatever. I’m in here. What difference does it make now?” He had already made her suffer some. Oh, how he wished he could have seen her face when she got the eviction notice. And more suffering would come later. He needed her guard to be down.
When Gavin walked out of the pastor’s office Wednesday evening, he felt like he had been punched in the gut. The pastor had been encouraging and kind with his reprimand, but it had been just that, a reprimand. People had gone to the pastor with their concerns, and so Pastor Cole had called him in to talk about what had happened.
“Riley, wait up.” Jared had been there too since he was Gavin’s small-group leader.
Gavin stopped with his hand on the front door but didn’t turn.
“You okay?” Jared caught up with him, and they walked out together.
Gavin shrugged. The grief was hitting him hard today. “I was struggling today before Pastor even called.” He stopped and leaned over, resting his hands on his knees. The grief was too heavy.
“Let’s sit.” Jared motioned to a bench along the walkway into the church.
Gavin readily complied. He could barely stand as it was. He sat and leaned forward on his knees. “Just when I think I’ve been knocked down as low as I can get, I get kicked. Not that I blame Cole for what he said. I know I should have stepped down from working with the teens when it all started happening…”
“And he didn’t say you couldn’t work with them again. Just some time off. I think it’ll do you some good to start meeting with him too.”
“I wish I could just meet with you instead.”
“I’m too close to Jocelyn. You need an outside perspective, and someone you don’t work with.”
“I get it. I’m just tired of baring my soul to everyone.”
“Then you should have chosen a more private sin.”
“Touché. But I thought it was private. Very private.”
Jared laughed. “Would seem that you thought wrong.”
“Ha. Apparently. I feel like I’ve lost Jocelyn all over again, which reminds me of losing Nikki, not once but twice…. And the baby.”
