by Nella Tyler
“Hi, Braden!” Lauren said, bending down a little so that her face was visible to him. “It’s so amazing to see you.”
“I miss you guys!” he replied. “I wish I could have been there to celebrate with you. Congrats, little brother. Rookie of the year: who would’ve thought.”
“Just me, apparently,” Lauren laughed.
“Seems like it,” Braden nodded. He was dressed in a white shirt that showed how large and muscular he was. He had on his dog tags and a tan that most Los Angeles residents would kill for. “I’m proud of you, bro. You did good.”
“Please,” I said dismissively. “It’s nothing compared to what you’re doing out there.”
“Well, obviously,” Braden said jokingly. “I was just trying to big you up a bit.”
It felt wonderful to laugh together. I missed Braden the most when I was sitting in front of the computer Skyping him. As nice as it was to have some means of communication, it just reminded me of the distance between us. It reminded me of the different paths our lives had taken. I remembered that feeling of emptiness I had as I watched Braden walk into the airport in his uniform for that first deployment. I had wanted so much to do the same.
I had never lost the desire to enlist; it had always been there, the nagging, little voice in the back of my head daring me to see if I was brave enough. In the end, I hadn’t been, and my life had taken on a familiar yet comforting pattern. But I never stopped missing Braden and I never stopped feeling as though I had lost my brother the minute he had signed those enlistment papers.
Chapter Three
Lauren
“You okay?” I asked as we stepped out of Mrs. Morgan’s study together, leaving behind Chase’s parents so they could say their goodbyes to Braden.
Chase’s face was paler, and his eyes had lost their brightness. They were subtle changes, but I had long ago learnt to read his face and all the little nuances in between. It wasn’t just that I could read how he felt – a part of me could feel what he felt, too. Braden was his hero and it had been hard for Chase having him live so far away in such dangerous situations.
“I’m fine,” Chase nodded, but he said it distractedly, so I knew that he wasn’t being altogether sincere.
I slipped my hand into his and pulled him back down the stairs in the direction of the party. “Come on,” I said, hoping to take his mind off his brother. “Your party’s not over yet.”
Even as I said the words, I could sense that the party was well and truly over for Chase. He smiled and laughed and spoke when he was engaged in conversation, but the breezy happiness that had engulfed him all night had dissipated and I knew him well enough to know it was not coming back.
“Are you ready to go home?” I asked, rubbing his arm with my hand in a gesture that had started when we were fourteen and I was trying to be comforting without being obvious about it.
“Yes, please,” Chase nodded promptly.
We said our goodbyes to everyone amidst a throng of protests, thanked Mr. and Mrs. Morgan, and finally stepped out into the quiet of the large, circular drive that led away from the house. The night was crisp and cool, but the breeze had a warm note that licked against my skin. We got into our car and drove home in silence with only the dulcet tones of Pat Benatar to cover up the sounds of our breathing.
We lived in a small apartment about 45 minutes from where Chase’s parents lived. It was in a nice, quiet neighborhood that we’d only been able to afford because of rent control. All the same, the apartment was tiny. We had one bathroom, one bedroom, a matchbox kitchen that drove me crazy at least once a week, and a living room that we spent most of our time in because it was the biggest space in the whole apartment.
We walked inside, and I turned on the lights as Chase moved to the sofa and sank down into it, staring ahead at the television without really seeing it. I removed my jacket and hung it up before I walked over to him and sat down.
I watched him for a few minutes, but he didn’t speak the whole time and I was starting to worry. He was usually introspective after talking to Braden, but it was the kind of introspection that faded after the first hour. There were lines on Chase’s forehead that highlighted his intense preoccupation and still, I didn’t want to intrude.
“Would you like to get ready for bed?” I asked gently.
He nodded absentmindedly, but when I pulled him from the sofa, he didn’t resist. He allowed me to lead him into the bedroom and then he started removing his clothes while I moved into the bathroom to brush my teeth and change out of my clothes. By the time I moved back into the bedroom, Chase was lying flat on the bed, naked except for his boxers. He was staring at the ceiling and his eyes were glazed over.
I slid into bed beside him and leaned down to kiss his cheek. At the touch, he turned his face in my direction and gave me a small, distracted smile.
“Sorry,” he said. “I’ve been quiet, haven’t I?”
“Is it Braden?” I asked.
“Yes,” Chase nodded.
“You miss him,” I said simply.
“I do,” he agreed. “But it’s more than that.”
I propped myself up on one elbow and looked down at him. “Tell me.”
“He’s really doing something with his life,” he said after a moment’s pause. “He’s doing something with purpose.”
“You have purpose,” I pointed out.
“No, I don’t,” Chase said passionately. “My job is a game. I throw around a ball on a field and people cheer for me. Braden is out there risking his life every day to keep his country safe. That is meaningful. That is…purposeful.”
“What are you saying?” I asked gently, trying to help him articulate what exactly it is he wanted to say. “Are you saying you want that, too?”
He looked away from me for a moment as his eyes unfocused for a short second. Then he turned towards me and reached for my hand. “I suppose a part of me does,” he admitted. “I want to feel that useful. I want to contribute in some way and I want it to mean something.”
I smiled. “I know,” I said. “And, I understand.”
“You do?” he asked with a small note of surprise in his voice.
“Of course I do,” I nodded. “That’s why I love you. You’re the type of man who wants to do something in the world and you want it to matter. I’ve always admired that about you.”
“I haven’t ever done anything about it though,” Chase said softly, as though he were ashamed of himself.
“But you’ve always wanted to,” I said. “And that desire has always been sincere.”
He nodded. “I just…I’m confused.”
“About what?”
“What am I supposed to do with this feeling?” he asked, looking at me as if I could provide him with the answers.
He looked at me as though I could fix everything wrong with his world and I felt that familiar tug in my heart. I had always relished that role. I wanted to be the one who could fix everything. In a way, a part of me felt that that was my purpose in life.
“Maybe you should enlist,” I suggested seriously, without taking my eyes off Chase.
He stared at me for a moment and then his face broke out into a smile. “Are you being serious?”
“Of course,” I nodded.
“You would be okay with me enlisting?” he asked again.
I hesitated a moment, gathering my thoughts and trying to formulate my explanation. “I’m here to support you in whatever you decide to do,” I started. “I know that this desire to enlist isn’t some spur-of-the-moment decision. You’ve wanted to do it ever since you were fourteen. If the feeling has lasted this long, then I’m willing to bet that it’s not going anywhere. If this is what you need to do…then I’m going to keep my promise and support you a hundred percent.”
Chase stared at me for a moment and then he pulled me on top of him so suddenly that it knocked the wind out of me. “Ah!” I screamed, but his lips were on mine before I could say anything more.
&n
bsp; When he finally broke away, I was laughing and gasping for breath at the same time. “What was that for?” I asked, trying to get my bearings.
“You are amazing, you know that?” Chase said, and the brightness had come back into his eyes.
“I’ve always suspected as much,” I joked.
“It means so much to me that you would put me first like that,” he said. “It means so much that you would support me that way.”
“That’s what we do for each other,” I reminded him. “Otherwise there’s no point.”
He nodded thoughtfully and then kissed me again.
“Would you really consider enlisting?” I asked cautiously.
He sighed. “I don’t know if I’m brave enough.”
“I know you are.”
He smiled again, but there was an edge of uncertainty that touched his eyes. “My football career just kicked off,” he said as though he were talking to himself. “You and I are going to buy a house. I can’t enlist; the idea is crazy. It doesn’t fit into my world anymore.”
“Then what does?”
He cupped my face with his hand and turned gently so that we were lying side by side, facing each other. “You do,” he said. “You are the only constant that will always fit into my world.”
I laughed lightly. “I can live with that.”
“Good,” Chase nodded as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him.
We kissed slowly at first, and then more passionately as the seconds ticked by. We had been together nine years and sleeping together for seven; we had the art of love-making down to a science, but there were moments when it still felt new and exciting. More often than not, it was familiar and comforting, and that suited me just fine.
As Chase’s tongue slipped past my lips, my hands explored the hard wall of muscle that covered his stomach. I sighed against him and my hand moved further down until I had the shaft of his penis gripped firmly in the palm of my hand. I massaged him gently, moving my hand up and down the length of him, feeling as he stiffened against me.
Then his hands travelled up my legs to my thighs, pushing up my cotton nightdress so he could pull off my panties. His fingers slipped inside me and I felt the familiar burst of expectation that usually accompanied the start of sex. His fingers moved in and out of my cunt slowly, and then harder, until he was pummeling into me. My fingers clasped tight around his penis, and I rolled to my back as Chase moved on top of me in a practiced move.
He removed his fingers from inside me and started teasing me with the tip of his penis. I sighed deeply, yearning with anticipation. He reached out and pushed down the straps of my nightdress to reveal my breasts. Leaning in, he took a nipple into his mouth as he continued to titillate me with the tip of his penis.
When he finally slid inside me, I was well and truly wet and the feel of his hard cock inside me sent a thrill of pleasure hurtling through my body. I loved that he could still make me feel that way after so long. We kissed ravenously as he fucked me, changing the rhythm of his movements so that I went from heavy breathing to quiet moaning within the span of minutes.
“Are you close?” he whispered in my ear, and I could see from his face that he was close to cumming.
“It’s fine,” I whispered back. “I want you to cum.” I pushed my hips against him, spurring him on and bringing his orgasm to fruition.
“Fuck,” he breathed through gritted teeth as he pulled out quickly and came on my stomach.
Once our breathing had slowed, Chase reached for the box of tissues that always lay beside our bed and wiped me clean. Then, he settled into bed beside me pulled me close.
“Tomorrow I’m going to make you cum,” he whispered into my ear.
I smiled. “I’ll hold you to that,” I said as I kissed him, biting his lip gently in the process.
“When we move into our new house, our bedroom is going to be the size of this entire apartment,” he said, his voice taking on the sleepy fantasy of dreams.
“Really?” I said intrigued. “That big?”
“Bigger even,” he nodded against my shoulder. “And, we’re going to have a real kitchen, one that doesn’t make you claustrophobic, and a back yard.”
“Sounds magical.”
“It’s no less than you deserve,” Chase said as his eyes closed. “You deserve magic.”
“I have you,” I whispered back to him. “That’s all the magic I need.”
We fell asleep in each other’s arms that night, and even when restless sleep drove us to separate edges of the bed, our hands or legs entwined somehow, longing for that simple contact to remind us both that even in sleep, we were not alone.
Chapter Four
Chase
As usual, Daniel was late. I wasn’t that bothered by it today, however, because my thoughts required a little quiet. Two weeks on and I was still thinking about Braden. I knew it was wrong to compare, but I just couldn’t help it. My life and my job seemed so superficial when next to Braden’s and I couldn’t help but feel inadequate.
I knew my inferiority complex was self-inflicted – the rest of my family was nothing but proud of me and I knew that Braden was, too, but still I couldn’t seem to get that little voice out of my head. Every time silence crept in and I was left alone for any stretch of time, I would hear the voice speak up, soft at first and then insistently louder. It was telling me I needed purpose in my life. It was telling me I needed something to fight for.
Lauren had spent the last two weeks trying to make me feel better, and I was grateful for her presence. She knew when to leave me to my quiet moods and when to engage me in distracting conversations. Sometimes she sang just to make me laugh; the other night she had cooked me a special meal, and just this morning, she had left a little note taped to the bathroom mirror.
Usually, she could draw me out of my cloud of thought, but lately it hadn’t been working so great. I was still grateful she tried, but there were moments when I just needed to feel inadequate. A part of me wondered if I was just being self-pitying; another part of me hoped this was just an extended phase that would soon pass.
“Hi, dude,” Daniel’s voice cut through my thoughts as he approached from the walking path. “Sorry I’m late.”
“What’s the excuse this time?” I asked, bending down to make sure my shoelaces were secure.
“Umm…overslept,” he said as though he himself were not sure.
I rolled my eyes. “They’ve invented this new thing. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it’s called an alarm clock. They even put it in your phone now.”
He smiled sheepishly; his blue eyes were pale and they still had traces of sleep in them. “I’ve never paid much attention to my alarm.”
“Lucky me,” I sighed. “Shall we start?”
“Let’s go,” said he agreed as he started jogging on the spot, waiting for me to stand.
We started down the track together, with Daniel puffing harder than necessarily. By this point, though, I had gotten used to it and it barely irritated me anymore.
“Lauren didn’t want to join us?”
“She has a training session with a client this morning,” I replied. “She was out of the apartment before I was even up.”
“Geez, she gets up that early?”
“Always has,” I nodded. “Ever since she started track in high school, she’s always been an early riser.”
“I had a date last night,” Daniel confessed as we turned the corner and made for the second round.
“Oh?” I said, trying to muster up some interest and keep my head in the conversation. “How’d it go?”
“Disastrously,” he sighed. “Everything started out so good. She turned up at the restaurant and she was actually really pretty.”
“Wait, this was a blind date?” I asked.
“Beth set me up with her,” he nodded. “She had blue eyes that matched mine and long, curly hair. She had a hot body on her, too.”
“But?”
�
�She spent the first hour talking about her ex-boyfriend and the second hour talking about her cat, who she refers to as ‘her baby.’ By the third hour, I was pretty much certain the reason she had broken up with her boyfriend was because of the damn cat.”
“You were pretty certain?”
“Well, I kind of zoned in and out during that first hour,” he admitted. “She wasn’t the most riveting conversationalist.”
“Obviously not,” I said with an amused smile. “I’m thinking you didn’t invite her back to your place?”
“No, I went to hers.”
“You went home with her?” I asked incredulously.
“Hey, no judgment please,” he said defensively. “Not all of us have steady girlfriends and regular sex. It’s been a few months and I needed to get laid.”
I nodded sympathetically. “Fair enough. Was the sex at least worth the dinner?”
He shook his head in frustration. “We were making out on the couch when that stupid cat of hers started hacking up a hairball. I was just about to undo her bra when she pushed me off her and ran to the cat. Long story short, we ended up at the vet clinic downtown.”
“No way!” I laughed without reserve.
“Oh sure, laugh,” Daniel said through narrowed eyebrows. “Asshole.”
“You may be too close to the situation to see how funny it is,” I said with a shrug.
“Yeah, blue balls make it hard for you to see the humor in much of anything,” he sighed. “Seriously, though, you have no idea how lucky you are to have found a girl like Lauren. She’s smart, funny, pretty, and totally sane.”
“She is all those things,” I nodded. “Hang in there, though. You’ll find your Lauren.”
Daniel shot me a look that was highly skeptical. “Let’s take a break for five minutes before we continue,” he said, shooting his hand out to stop me from attempting the fourth round.
“Seriously dude?” I asked. “We just started.”
“It’s freaking early,” he said dismissively as he sank onto a bench by the path.
I stretched next to him, making sure to let my muscles breathe a little. I didn’t want to stop; I wanted to keep moving – it is harder to think when you were on the go.
