by Nella Tyler
“Are you all right?” Daniel asked pointedly.
“What?”
“It’s just that you don’t seem like yourself,” he said, looking at me curiously. “You’re not still upset with me for being late, are you?”
“No, of course not,” I said shaking my head. “I’m fine.”
He looked at me as though he didn’t quite buy it.
“What?” I said self-consciously.
“You seem to be preoccupied with something,” he said after a moment, and I felt a blaze of guilt shoot through my face.
“You wanna talk about it?” he asked.
I took a deep breath and sat down next to him. “Nah, it’s nothing important, really. It’s just that I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”
“About?”
“Braden,” I admitted. “And his work overseas.”
“What about it?” Daniel asked with interest.
“Have I ever told you that there was a time when I wanted to enlist?”
He looked at me with raised eyebrows. “Seriously?”
“Yup,” I nodded.
“When was this?”
“Right before I started college,” I admitted. “I was about 17; I was looking for something in my life, and the military had always been in the forefront of my mind ever since Braden left.”
“But you didn’t end up enlisting?”
“No,” I said. “I ended up picking the same college that Lauren did. We started classes, we met you all, and that was that. But it’s always been there in the back of my head…the need to enlist, the desire to fight for something.”
“Geez,” Daniel breathed. “Does Lauren know about how you feel?”
“Of course,” I nodded. “In fact, when I told her how I felt, she told me I should enlist.”
“Now?” Daniel balked.
“Yes,” I replied. “She said that if I felt this strongly about it and if the need to enlist hadn’t left me in all these years, then maybe it was something I was meant to do.”
“Wow,” he said taking that all in. “Are you really considering enlisting?”
“I…no,” I said quickly. “No, of course not.”
“Why not?” he asked. “I mean, according to everything you’ve just told me, I think Lauren’s right. Maybe the only way to get this out of your head would be to actually go through with it.”
“I just…it’s more complicated than that,” I sighed.
“Okay,” Daniel nodded. “How?”
“Well, enlisting would mean giving up my NFL career, for starters,” I tried to explain. “And, I don’t think I can afford to do that. But the most important thing is that I’d need to leave Lauren behind. I can’t do that to her.”
“Isn’t that her choice?”
“It’s my responsibility to think of her and put her first,” I said insistently.
“If she’s encouraged you to enlist, then I’m sure she’s already aware of what she would need to go through,” he pointed out.
“She believes I’ll finish my term and come back to her,” I said.
Daniel raised his eyebrows. “Isn’t that’s what’s going to happen?”
“That would be best case scenario,” I said. “But she’s not thinking of worst case scenario. What if I don’t come back? Or what if I come back broken, maimed, defeated? I can’t put her through all of that.”
“Again, don’t you think that’s her choice?” he insisted.
“She will always put me first,” I said with conviction. “And that means that I need to put her first. In this case, putting her first is considering the possibilities that she won’t even entertain. If I came back injured, she wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. She would become my caretaker and my nurse and she would never complain about it. If I came back with PTSD, she would suffer through my tantrums and my mood swings and my insults and she would never show me her hurt.
“And if I didn’t come back at all…she would suffer silently through the rest of her life and curse herself for ever encouraging me to enlist. I know her, Daniel. She is the best woman, the best person I know, and I need to make sure she’s all right. I can’t do that if I’m halfway across the world fighting for my country and myself. A part of me may need to enlist, but a bigger part of me needs to be with Lauren. Does that make sense?”
“It does,” Daniel said in a hushed voice.
I was about to say something about Lauren when my phone rang and I reached for it instinctively. My brow wrinkled as I registered my mother’s number on my screen. “She never calls at this time,” I said mostly to myself as I answered the call.
“Mom?”
“Chase…” her voice was weak, shaky, and bordering on breaking. The sound of it sent a thrill of fear shooting straight to my heart.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I demanded urgently.
“Oh, Chase…” her voice broke on my name, and I could the sound of her jagged sobs as she pushed away from the phone. A second later, the line became clear again and my father’s steady voice took control.
“Come home, son,” Dad said. His voice was clear and steady, but I could sense the distress lurking underneath it.
“Tell me what’s happened?” I asked seized with an instinctive fear.
“It’s Braden,” Dad replied. “It’s your brother. He was wounded on the ground in the Middle East. We don’t know exactly where.”
“Fuck,” I said, finding it hard to breathe. “Is he okay? Will he make it?”
“We don’t know much,” he replied. “They’re flying him to the nearest hospital…but…but—”
“But what?” I demanded rudely, uncaring of how I sounded.
“He’s lost both his legs…but at least he’s alive. At least he’s alive.”
“I’m coming over now,” I said and hung up instantly. Daniel was looking at me as though he was frightened and he wanted to run somewhere and hide.
“Is everything—”
“It’s my brother,” I said through gasps. “I have to go.”
“Of course.”
I started walking towards my car as nausea overtook me. I sped up my pace, but that only made the nausea worse. I managed to make it to the parking lot before I keeled over between two, large ferns and threw up right on top of them. Then I wiped myself off, got into my car, and drove to my parent’s house, praying that the loss of Braden’s legs would be the only thing we would have to mourn.
Chapter Five
Lauren
The library was engulfed in the kind of late-afternoon synergy that made for optimum study-group atmosphere. We had picked a little alcove at the back of the library where the large tables had been pushed up against the windows. The windows overlooked the main college lawns, and I could see small groups of students dispersed around the grass, eating, talking, and lying back with their faces towards the sun.
It was a beautiful day, but I was just as content to be spending it inside the library. I loved libraries; even when you were alone, it didn’t feel that way. I wasn’t alone today, in any case; Maisy was sitting opposite me, proofreading her essay, and I could see her dark eyes flitting back and forth across each sentence. Grace was sitting next to her with her head buried deep in a book about Greek legends, and Jeremy was sitting beside me. Every few minutes, his eyes would flit over to me and even though I was engrossed in my own essay, I couldn’t help but notice.
“Shouldn’t you be working on your essay?” I asked, turning my eyes away from my paper. “Didn’t you say you still had some research to do?”
He reached into his bag and pulled out two, large, hardcover books. “Here’s my research,” he said, looking at me with his light-brown eyes.
I raised my eyebrows. “What is the point of having those books if you’re not going to read through them?”
“I’ve been reading through them the whole morning,” he replied. “I was taking a break.”
“Doing what?”
“Admiring the way your hair curls at the edges,” h
e said with a cheeky smile. Grace tittered from behind her book. Maisy didn’t even look up; she was too used to Jeremy’s persistent flirting.
I rolled my eyes at him. “You should be studying.”
“I am,” Jeremy nodded. “I’m studying you.”
I gave him a harsh look, though I was struggling to contain my smile. “You never stop, do you?”
“Nope,” he said with a wink. “It’s not in my nature.”
Maisy looked at us over her laptop. “You realize that Lauren’s been in a long-term relationship since she was like three, right?”
“Oh, I realize that,” Jeremy nodded unperturbed. “But I like a challenge.”
Maisy shook her head. “You are such a dork,” she told him.
“Ouch,” he said, holding his heart as though Maisy had sent something shooting at him. “You wound me. You would me deeply.”
She sighed in frustration and closed her laptop shut. “Whose brilliant idea was it to allow Jeremy into our study group?” she demanded. “He is the most distracting person I’ve ever met.”
I laughed. “Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Geez,” Maisy said shaking her head. “You have a habit of bringing in strays, don’t you?”
Jeremy feigned another expression of pain and hurt. “Your words sting, Maisy. I hope you know that.”
“Apparently you have extremely thick skin,” she retorted. “I’m sure you’ll bounce back.”
“You’re just jealous,” Jeremy said winking at her.
“Jealous?” Maisy repeated incredulously.
“Sure,” he nodded with a self-satisfied smile. “You’re just jealous that you’re the only one here I don’t flirt with on a regular basis.”
“Ha!” she mocked and rolled her eyes. “Please.”
Jeremy turned to me and raised his eyebrows pointedly. “She wants me.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. That was the reason I liked Jeremy. He was playful and un-phased. He didn’t mind being insulted, he didn’t mind being laughed at, and he didn’t mind being the butt of the joke. He could be aggressively flirty sometimes, but I knew that it was all in good fun and he wasn’t as ass about it.
I was hoping that one of these days Maisy and Jeremy would finally put all their sexual tension to rest and simply go out on a date, but it seemed both were in complete denial about their chemistry. I decided to stay out of it; I wasn’t close enough with either one of them to be able to advise them in that respect.
“So,” Grace said as she closed her book and looked around the table at all of us. “What are your plans for after graduation?”
It was the most popular subject at the moment for all the seniors. I for one was not daunted by it, but I knew most other students were. I saw Maisy pale a little and even Jeremy let out a low whistle that spoke volumes.
“Are you asking only because you want us to ask you what your plans are after graduation?” Maisy asked shrewdly.
Grace smiled. “Maybe a little.”
Jeremy and I laughed out loud, and we had to remind ourselves that we were still in the library. “Well?” I said. “Go on; tell us.”
“I got a great job lined up,” he said excitedly. “It’s in this little publishing company that specializes in adult coloring books. I’ll be on the creative design team that comes up with the ideas for new books. I might even get to interview the artists.”
“That sounds fascinating,” I said. “Wow.”
“Yup,” Grace nodded.
“How did you manage to find that job in the first place?”
“My cousin told me about an available position, and I sent in my resume with my portfolio,” she explained. “I went in for the interview a couple of weeks ago and they told me I was on the short list last week. They called this morning and told me I had the job. I start soon after graduating.”
“Congrats, Grace,” I said sincerely. “I’m happy for you.”
“Even though I don’t look it, I’m happy for you, too,” Maisy nodded. “I’m just frightened for myself and that’s taking over my facial features.”
Jeremy laughed and turned to me. “What about you, gorgeous?” he asked. “What are you plans? Modeling, maybe?”
“As glamorous as that sounds, I don’t think modeling is the vocation for me,” I said. “Actually, I’ve always wanted to open up a gym of my own.”
“Really?” Maisy said with interest. “I knew you were into fitness, I just didn’t know how much.”
“Well, this idea’s pretty recent,” I admitted. “Probably only a couple of years in the making, but once Chase suggested it, I knew it was something I needed to work towards.”
“Chase, huh?” Jeremy said rolling his eyes. “Him again. Sometimes it’s like Chase is the only name you ever mention.”
I laughed. “I’ve mentioned him only once this week.”
“Too many times, if you ask me,” Jeremy said. “I was just starting to convince myself that he doesn’t exist at all.”
“Umm, hello? He plays for the Rams,” Grace said. “How can there be any doubt? He was named Rookie of the Year, too, and side note, he’s freaking hot.”
I smiled at Jeremy’s sour face. “I don’t really watch much football.”
“Clearly,” Maisy said, rolling her eyes at him before she turned to me. “You could really make this happen then – the gym, I mean. I mean Chase is doing all right in the NFL; it’s not like you don’t have the capital.”
“We were lucky that his career took off,” I nodded. “It’s opened us up to so many opportunities. I’m lucky that he’s so supportive of me.”
“So, this is going to happen soon?” Grace asked.
“I’m not sure yet,” I admitted. “We’re looking to buy a house after I graduate. Maybe once we’re settled down there, we can start looking at places to start up a fledgling gym.”
“Well, keep us posted,” Maisy said. “I’m looking to change gyms.”
I smiled. “Will do.”
An hour later, we said our goodbyes and dispersed back to our own lives. On the way home, I stopped by the upscale grocery store on the corner and bought some spinach fettuccine and some shrimp for tonight’s dinner. I wanted to make something special for Chase.
I changed into my favorite black sweats and an old t-shirt and started on dinner. I had just finished adding the freshly boiled pasta into my big vat of sauce when I heard a bang that sounded as though someone had crashed into the apartment door. I made sure nothing was on the fire and then I rushed to see whom it was.
I opened the door and found Chase on the other side looking as though he had just come through the gates of hell. His eyes were wet with tears, his skin was pale and pasty, and he was shivering uncontrollably.
“Dear God,” I gasped as I reached for him instinctively. “Darling, what happened?”
“I…I…”
He was shivering so badly that I could barely understand him. I plucked him out of the stairwell and guided him to the sofa. He sunk into it lifelessly and looked off into the distance, as though he were seeing ghosts. Fear gripped my heart, and I knelt down in front of him and grabbed both his hands in mine.
“Chase, please,” I begged. “Tell me what’s wrong?”
He swallowed hard, and I could see the effort it was taking him to speak the words. Even as he spoke, tears rolled down his cheeks and the sight of them brought moisture into my own eyes.
“It’s Braden,” he said at last, and my breath caught.
“No,” I whispered.
“He was injured over there,” he continued quietly, and I was surprised to hear that his voice didn’t shake that much. “He lost both his legs and needed to be flown to the nearest hospital.”
“But he’s alive,” I said desperately, wishing that Chase would speak a little louder. The sound of his voice was making me think of death. “Is he alive?”
At that moment, Chase lifted his head and met my eyes. I felt my breath falter as I took in the expanse of pain
that was reflected there. “He died on the way to the hospital,” he said in a whisper. “They didn’t make it in time.”
I felt my knees buckle, but I held myself together – I had to. I had to do it for Chase; he needed me to be strong so that he could fall apart. I reached for him and pulled him towards me, cradling him as though he were a child.
“Oh, my darling,” I said softly. “I am so sorry; I am so sorry.”
He sobbed against my chest for a long time, and when he finally pulled away, his face was drained of emotion and energy. It made him look corpselike and again, the same fist of fear that had engulfed me earlier gripped me.
“Chase…” I said uncertainly as I reached for him again.
He pushed himself off the sofa and away from me. “I need to be alone,” he said abruptly. “I just need to be alone.”
He walked away from me and went into our bedroom. A moment later, he shut the door and the sound of its shutting had an ominous finality about it. I felt the sound reverberate deep inside me in the echo of a dirge. I sat there alone in the muted light of the living room, trying to process my own shock and worry, surrounded by the smell of pasta and grief.
Chapter Six
Chase
The funeral home was peppered with tasteful arrangements of white daisies and tulips. I might have been able to admire how pretty everything looked if my vision wasn’t clouded over by a thick haze of disbelief, pain, and anger. I stared around at the people milling past and avoided eye contact with everyone. I couldn’t think of anywhere I wanted to be less.
No matter how I tried to distract myself, my eyes kept flitting to the beautiful, mahogany casket my mother had picked out only days ago. It was a closed casket so nobody could see my brother’s broken body lying inside it, but I could. I didn’t even have to close my eyes. Every time I blinked, I could see his image on the back of my eyelids.
No one had wanted me to see him, but I had insisted. The moment his body had touched ground in the States, I had insisted I needed to see him no matter what. My parents had protested a little, but when they saw the need on my face, they had conceded. There were moments afterwards when I realized what they had been afraid of.
