by Nella Tyler
“Hon, Braden was Chase’s hero. It might be awhile before he’s himself again,” Beth said gently.
“I know,” I nodded. “And normally I wouldn’t be so worried, except….”
“Except?”
“He’s been thinking about enlisting lately,” I admitted, lowering my eyes.
There was a beat of silence. “Seriously?” she asked incredulously.
“I mentioned that he had an interest in enlisting once, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, years ago,” she nodded. “But we were all teenagers then and I figured once he started college, he had shelved that idea for good.”
“I know he’s thought about it off and on since Braden enlisted,” I replied. “But it’s never been considered this seriously before.”
“Dear God,” she said in disbelief. “And, how do you feel about it?”
“Well, I’m going to support him no matter what,” I said firmly.
“Even if he joins the military and is deployed to God knows where?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “Even then. The plan was that if he ever decided to actually do this, I would go with him.”
“You’re not serious, Lauren?” Beth asked with wide eyes.
“I am,” I nodded. “Completely serious.”
“He’ll be going to dangerous places; I doubt that’s even allowed.”
“I know I won’t be with him all the time,” I said. “I’m aware that he’ll be going places I won’t be able to follow, but there are places in the Middle East I could stay while he’s on duty. And then when he’s done, he’ll have me to come home to.”
“And, he’s agreed to this?” Beth asked.
“He did at the time,” I admitted. “Now, it seems as though he’s changed his mind. He didn’t actually say that, but I can sense something has changed. I’m scared that if he enlists, he’s going to leave me behind.”
Our conversation was put on hold while our food arrived. The waiter set down our plates, smiled politely, and disappeared again. The moment Beth’s dish hit the table, the smell of fish hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt my stomach lurch uncomfortably and the nausea resurfaced again.
“Oh no,” was all I managed to say before I was high tailing it to the restroom.
When I got back, Beth looked at me with concern as I sat back down, angling my chair as far away from the fish as I could manage.
“What happened?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “The smell of your fish is really putting me off.”
“Did you just throw up?”
“Yes.”
Beth looked at me pointedly.
“What?” I asked unable to decipher her expression.
“Lauren, is it possible that you're pregnant?”
I stared at her for a moment and then I laughed. “What? Of course not.”
“You threw up a few hours ago,” she pointed out. “And, you threw up just now because the smell of fish put you off.”
“That doesn’t mean much,” I said. “I could be coming down sick, and I’ve never much cared for the smell of fish, anyway. Besides, Chase and I have always been careful.”
“When did you last get your period?”
“I…I don’t exactly remember,” I said, realizing that it had been a while.
Beth raised her eyebrows again.
“Hold on, though,” I said quickly. “It’s been a really stressful time and stress can sometimes delay your periods.”
“For a couple of weeks, maybe,” Beth said. “How long has it actually been?”
“I…I’m not sure,” I admitted.
“You need to take a pregnancy test, Lauren,” she insisted. “We can stop by the pharmacy on the way home.”
“I don’t need to take a pregnancy test,” I said. “I’m not pregnant.”
“Wouldn’t you rather know for sure?” she went on. “Especially considering the fact that Chase might want to enlist?”
That stopped me short and after a moment, I sighed. “I’ll think about taking a test,” I conceded at last. “But I’m not pregnant.”
“Either way, it’ll be better if you know for sure,” she said gently.
I walked home in a fog of thought, suddenly frightened about the future. It was a strange feeling to have after so long being so unafraid and certain of everything. I had said goodbye to Beth a few minutes ago, I wanted some peace and quiet. I wanted to be alone and she had understood.
“Tell me…if there’s anything to tell,” she had said as she hugged me goodbye.
The apartment was quiet when I got home and I knew that Chase would still be at his parents’ house. I had wanted to wait till the morning to take the test, but I realized that I couldn’t wait that long. Beth was right – I needed to know for sure.
I slipped into the bathroom, got out the pregnancy test, and read the instructions. Ten minutes later, I found myself staring at the little strip that would tell if my life was going to stay the same or become something unrecognizable. Color started to appear on the strip and I turned away in fear.
“One line means negative,” I said to myself staring at the bathroom door. “Two lines means positive.”
I took a deep breath and turned back to the little strip that held my fate. It was there, staring me in the face, as clear as day and completely irrefutable: two, straight, pink lines.
Chapter Ten
Chase
The sound of a flush from the bathroom woke me up from my dissatisfying night of sleep. I had been tossing and turning all night and the moment I had managed to find a comfortable spot, the nightmares crept in and I found myself staring at the ceiling again trying to ignore Lauren’s heavy breathing.
I heard the water run from the faucet and I groaned in exasperation. Why was she so noisy in the morning? I had never realized that until recently. It seemed her morning ablutions were getting longer and noisier, too, but that may have been due to the fact that she was battling some sort of illness she was being really evasive about.
I wasn’t buying the illness. She had been acting weird all week, and I felt as though she was just using that as an excuse. As the water stopped flowing, I turned over and pretended to be asleep, knowing Lauren would emerge moments later. Sure enough, the door opened and Lauren left the room, closing the door softly behind her.
As soon as I was on my own, I sat up in bed and glanced at the time. It was only 6:30 and I had while longer to wait for my meeting with William. On a gut feeling, I picked up my phone and dialed his number. He answered on the fourth ring.
“William Thomas here.”
“Hi, William,” I said. “It’s me, Chase.”
“Chase,” William said. “It’s early; is something wrong?”
“No, nothing’s wrong,” I hastened to assure him. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?”
“I’m up by five o’clock in the morning,” he replied. “Are we still on for coffee this evening?”
“Actually, that’s what I called about,” I said. “Could we meet for breakfast?”
“Now?”
“I can be ready in half an hour,” I said. “If you’re free?”
“Sure,” William agreed after a small hesitation. “Sure. There’s this little breakfast dinner down Weston Street right opposite the Hard Rock Café.”
“I know where it is,” I nodded. “I’ll see you soon.”
“See you soon,” William replied before the line went dead.
I felt the anticipation of the meeting grip me and I took a moment to calm myself down. I got out of bed and moved into the bathroom for a shower. I had just finished dressing when I heard the click of the apartment door snap shut and I knew Lauren had left for class. I waited a minute longer before I walked outside towards the kitchen. There was a note taped to the fridge in her neat cursive.
‘Good morning,’ the note read. ‘I had an early class and you were sleeping, so I didn’t want to wake you. Hope you’re feeling better this morning. I made you some breakfast ju
st to help get your day started. It’s under the food cover on the stove. I’ll see you tonight. I love you.’
I sighed as I read through the note again. She had been so unbelievably amazing this whole time, and I seemed only capable of being as asshole in return. She didn’t deserve my cold distance or my mood swings, but she endured them all without complaint or anger.
I moved towards the stove and lifted the small food cover. She had made me a stack of chocolate chip pancakes with fresh strawberries and caramel cream. I figured since I was meeting William for breakfast, I could try and have a few pancakes for lunch. I covered them back up, put on my shoes, and headed out.
It took me ten minutes to get to the diner. I found us a table and looked through the menu without really seeing anything there. Fifteen minutes later, I saw William enter and head straight toward me.
“Hi,” I greeted as he slipped into the seat opposite.
“Sorry I’m a little late.”
“No problem,” I said easily, waving away his apology.
We ordered first and then I turned to William with intent. He seemed to sense I wanted to jump right to the point.
“Have you made a decision yet?” he asked.
“Didn’t I make the decision the moment I enlisted?”
He smiled politely. “The thing is, Chase, given that I knew your brother and I know the circumstances under which you enlisted, I feel I need to make sure you know what you’re doing.”
“What do you mean?”
“Have you really thought this through?” he asked. “Is this something you genuinely want for yourself or is this something you did because you were broken up over the loss of your brother? Because if that is the case, then it’s the wrong reason to enlist.”
“I’ve always wanted to enlist,” I said. “Maybe I never considered it seriously before now—”
“So the only thing that changed was Braden’s death?”
I sighed. “Listen, I’m not going to lie: Braden’s death was the catalyst behind my decision to enlist. But it was also a wake-up call. I’ve always wanted to do something meaningful with my life; I’ve always wanted to serve in some way. Braden’s death made me realize that I’ve been hiding from that calling now for too long. I need to do this, William, not just for Braden, but for myself, too.”
“It’s a noble job, Chase,” William said softly. “But it’s a dangerous one, too. If you go through with this, there is a very great chance that you could come back wounded and scarred.”
“I know all that,” I nodded. “I also know that there is a chance I might not come back at all. I know the risks, William. I’m not just some kid who’s made a spur-of-the-moment decision. I’ve wanted to do this since I was fourteen and I saw Braden for the first time in his uniform. I know what I’m getting myself into.”
William looked me hard in the eye and after a moment, he nodded as though satisfied in some way. “All right,” he said. “Well, as I said, if you really want to do this, then there’s a spot available for you. You’ve already enlisted, so the first step is taken care of.”
“What is the next step?”
“Training,” he replied. “And, it’s going to be hard, harder than anything you’ve ever done before, trust me.”
I nodded. “And then?”
“Once you’ve passed through your training, you’ll be deployed. The project you’ll be assigned to requires a four-year stint in the Middle East.”
“I see,” I nodded as my thoughts fell onto Lauren.
“Chase?”
“Yes?”
“Is something wrong?” William asked seeing the inner turmoil in my eyes.
“No, it’s nothing.”
“If you’re having second thoughts—”
“No, it’s not that,” I said quickly. “I’m not having second thoughts about enlisting. It’s just that….”
“Feel free to tell me anything,” William said gently. “Think of me as a counselor of sorts.”
I took a deep breath. “I have a girlfriend,” I said, feeling as though the word didn’t do justice to the kind of relationship Lauren and I had shared over the years. “She’s my partner; we’ve been together nine years.”
“Nine years?” William repeated. “That’s a long time for such a young couple.”
“We were only thirteen when we started dating,” I admitted. “And we’ve rarely been apart since.”
“You’re worried about what your enlistment will do to her,” William said with understanding.
“I…yes.”
“You’re not married, are you?”
“No.”
“Well, if you were to marry, she would be able to accompany you to the Middle East,” William replied. “Arrangements can be made for soldiers’ wives.”
“But it’s dangerous?”
“There is always a risk,” William nodded.
I looked up at his calm eyes and wished desperately that he was Braden, so I could pour my heart out and have him advise me the way only a big brother could.
“What would you do?” I asked helplessly.
William sighed. “I can’t make those decisions for you, Chase.”
“I know that you can’t,” I said. “And, I’m not asking you to. I just want your opinion – and maybe your advice.”
William considered that for a moment before he spoke. “I’m not married, Chase, but I have friends who I’ve served with who are. Some left behind wives, others left behind wives and children, and whichever way you look at it, it hurts like hell. But at least they knew their families were safe at home.”
“It’ll be too dangerous for her over there,” I said.
“Why would you risk it?” William nodded.
“You’re right.”
“This girlfriend of yours, you said you’ve been together for nine years?”
“Yes,” I nodded.
“Then you have to believe that you two will stand the test of time,” William said. “She loves you, right?”
“Of course she does,” I said without having to think about it.
“Then she’ll wait for you,” he said simply.
I nodded, but my thoughts were taking a different direction. I knew Lauren would want to come with me, but I also knew that if I insisted she stay behind, she would. She would stay behind and wait for me just as William had said. I thought about the next four years of my life and wondered how much would change in those four years.
Despite how I had been treating her lately, I loved Lauren. I loved her more than I loved any other person in the world. I knew that meant I needed to think of her, too, in this situation. She didn’t deserve to put her life on hold just for me. She deserved more than a grumpy, moody ass who couldn’t find it in himself to be the man she needed him to be.
“Chase?”
“Sorry,” I said bringing myself back to the present. “I was just thinking.”
“I understand,” William nodded. “It’s a hard thing, to leave behind your loved ones. It never gets easier, either.”
“Braden was happy, wasn’t he?” I asked suddenly, almost afraid of asking the question at all. “I mean before he died, he was happy? He didn’t regret anything?”
William smiled. “I was Braden’s recruiter, Chase, and there was a time we were very close friends. But the truth is, it’s been a few years since I last saw him. This life, it’s hard to form lifelong, stable friendships. We move around so much that keeping in contact becomes secondary to the job. The men in the unit you’ve been assigned become your friends and when you move onto to another unit, your friends change.”
I nodded. “I guess I just…I keep looking for some closure,” I said, stumbling over my words.
“It’s very hard to find closure in death,” William told me gently. “I learned that the hard way.”
“When will I need to tell my family?” I asked, feeling the slight panic of that moment rise inside me.
“As soon as possible,” William nodded. “You’ll
need to prepare them, especially considering….”
He trailed off, but I knew what he meant. In light of Braden’s death, I knew it would be hard for my parents to understand my decision. But this was something I had to do. I had made my decision – I had made it weeks ago, but I had only just believed my own convictions.
After saying goodbye to William, I walked home and spent the day looking through old pictures on my laptop. During lunch, I got out the chocolate chip pancakes Lauren had made me and ate them at the kitchen table in front of my laptop.
I was doing this, and I knew it would be the first time in nine years that Lauren wouldn’t be at my side. It was a strange, new world, but I understood intrinsically that it was a path I had to walk alone.
Chapter Eleven
Lauren
It felt unusually stuffy in the lecture hall today and I had a hard time keeping track of what Professor Higgins was saying about gothic literature. It was the kind of lecture I loved, but my mind was wandering as it had been for the last few weeks. All I seemed to be able to concentrate on was Chase.
Jeremy was sitting next to me, and I was vaguely aware that he kept glancing at me every few seconds. He was wearing the nerdy-chic glasses I had always favored, and with his windswept hair and his casual cuteness, he looked like a model out of a Tommy Hilfiger advertisement.
The moment the lecture ended, he turned to me with a mixture of light-heartedness and concern. “Are you okay? You seemed a little distracted today?”
“Was I?” I said, trying to pretend there was nothing to worry about.
“You were,” he said decidedly as we gathered our stuff and exited the room together. “Grace mentioned to me that you lost someone recently.”
“Oh,” I said as I tried hard to maintain a convincing poker face. I didn’t much like talking about Braden because it reminded me of Chase’s pain. “We weren’t related,” I explained. “But we were close. His name was Braden; he was Chase’s brother.”
“He was killed in the line of duty?” Jeremy asked gently.
