by Nella Tyler
“No,” I said in a panic. “I need my doctor; I need Doctor Farrow.”
“What’s your name?” the same blonde nurse asked me.
“Her name is Lauren,” Mom replied for me.
“Okay, Lauren,” the nurse said kindly. “You have nothing to worry about. Doctor Farrow is on leave today, but we have paged her, and she’s on her way over right now.”
“Really?” I said between deep breaths. “She’s coming now?”
“She’s on her way,” the nurse nodded. “She lives close, too, so she shouldn’t be long. Do you think you can manage for a few more minutes?”
“Okay,” I sighed as another contraction started up. “I need drugs.”
“We’re going to get an epidural started for you,” the nurse nodded. “Hang in there.”
“Okay,” I nodded as I tried to remember to breathe.
The next few hours passed by in a haze of pain and drugs and screaming. I calmed down a little when Doctor Farrow arrived, but my relief was obliterated by pain.
“How did you do this, Mom?” I asked as I held fast to my mother’s hand.
“It’ll all be worth it in a few moments, darling,” she replied. “When you have that little baby in your arms.”
I could barely register what she was saying. There were moments that I even forgot that I had a baby to push out. “I have to start pushing,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Not yet, Lauren,” Doctor Farrow said from between my legs. “You’re not there yet.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re not dilated enough,” she replied.
An hour later, and I had dilated enough to start pushing. I could feel my face go red as I pushed as hard as I could. My mother stayed beside me, encouraging me forward the whole way.
“There we go, Lauren,” Doctor Farrow cheered me on. “He’s crowning, I can see the head now.”
I gritted my teeth and pushed harder, and then almost a minute, later the room erupted in newborn screams that seemed to echo across the room.
“He’s here, Lauren,” Doctor Farrow said with a smile. “Your son has arrived.”
“Lauren!” Mom exclaimed with stars in her eyes. “He’s a Christmas baby.”
They cleaned him up, swaddled him in a soft, blue blanket, and then handed him to me like a prize. I took him into my arms and looked down at my son’s face.
“Oh my God, Lauren,” my mother breathed from over my shoulder. “He’s perfect.”
And, he was. He was rosy-cheeked, pale-skinned, and dark haired. He was beautiful, and I felt my heart beat a little faster. So this was what it felt like – love at first sight. This was exactly what it felt like. His eyes opened for a tiny second and I managed to catch the bright brown of his irises before they closed again.
“He has Chase’s eyes,” my mother said softly, as though she were speaking to herself.
I saw it too. He didn’t just have Chase’s eyes. He was Chase in miniature. I could see that already. And, I was happy. There was a small inkling of sadness that I registered, but it was nothing compared to the joy. It was right that he should look like Chase; I was glad that he did.
“What are you going to call your son, Lauren?” Mom asked, reaching out and grazing his cheek fondly.
I looked down at him and the name came to my lips instinctively. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but now that it had entered my head I couldn’t let it go.
“What do you think about Braden?” I asked.
“Braden?” she repeated with raised eyebrows.
“I know it’s a little strange—”
“It’s not strange,” she said quickly. “It’s a good, strong name.”
I nodded. “I was thinking of Cole for his second name, the name he'll go by.”
“Why Cole?” Mom asked.
“I’ve just always loved that name,” I said. “It’s simple, it’s straightforward, and it suits him.”
Mom smiled as she looked at him. “You’re right,” she nodded. “It does. Welcome to the world, Braden Cole Powell.”
Chapter Eighteen
Chase
The atmosphere was electric. I could feel the Christmas joy reverberate through the bunker as the boys played their drinking games and stuffed themselves with chicken, ham, and apple. It wasn’t the kind of Christmas I was used to, but there was a discernible magic about it. Everyone joined together for the festivities and there was a bond that sealed itself there in the moment. It was a bond created from loneliness, isolation, and the unbreakable ties of brotherhood.
I watched as the boys screamed out Christmas classics, completely disregarding melody, and in some cases, even lyrics. I couldn’t help but smile, even though my mood was not exactly compatible with celebration at this moment. I was consumed with thoughts of Lauren and what she must be doing. Who would she spend Christmas Eve with? Where would she go? Would she even celebrate? In the space of eight months, she had managed to become an enigma to me and I was scared by how silent she had been through our separation.
That’s what I had decided to call it. I couldn’t bring myself to think about the term break-up. It was too final, too permanent, and too painful. So I had taken to calling it a separation in the hopes that one day, I might be able to stand in front of Lauren and beg for her forgiveness.
My mind didn’t even go to the possibility of her rejecting me. It wasn’t that I was being egotistical or cocksure; I was just being stupidly optimistic because that was the only way I could continue to do my duty.
“Chase, get yourself over here!” Eric shouted from across the room.
He was halfway to being drunk and I could tell from the spark in his blue eyes. When I didn’t respond, he plodded over to me in a semi-straight line and plonked himself down beside me.
“Don’t you ever party?” he asked, leaning in a little too close for comfort.
I leaned away from him and smiled. “I’m not the party type,” I replied.
“I don’t believe that for a fucking second,” he said shaking his head. “Weren’t you a pro football player?"
“For a very short time,” I nodded. “That life is behind me now.”
“Man, you are stupid,” Eric said. “Why’d you choose this life over that one?”
“Call of duty and all that,” I replied. “I just couldn’t ignore it.”
Eric shook his head as though he thought I was mentally challenged. I realized he was a little too inebriated for this conversation, so I just pumped him on the back. “Get back to the party, Eric.”
“Not until you join in.”
I sighed. “Not in the mood, Eric.”
“Come on man,” he said. “Erica over there has a thing for you, did you know that?”
I laughed. “No I didn’t.”
“Well, now you do,” Eric said with finality. “And she happens to be the hottest girl in the military. I think tonight is perfect to make your move.”
“Umm, no thanks,” I said sheepishly.
Eric looked at me carefully and then realization dawned on his face. “Oh,” he said, making it seem like two words instead of one. “I get it now.”
“You get what?”
“You’re gay!” he said it as though it explained everything.
I rolled my eyes at him. “I’m not, actually.”
“I get it now,” he repeated again. “Makes sense, quite frankly. You’re too good looking not to be.”
“For God’s sake, Eric,” I said shaking my head. “I’m not gay, okay? And if I were gay, I’d have no problem admitting it to people.”
He wrinkled his eyebrows at me. “Then what is it? I know you’re not married, so?”
“I’m not married,” I nodded. “But I left behind someone special, a girl that I plan on marrying one day.”
“Oh,” he said nodding. “You’re pining.”
I laughed, half frustrated with his persistence and half amused. “I suppose I am.”
“When are you going t
o see her next?”
“When we finish this tour,” I replied. “Three years, five months, one week.”
“Whoa,” Eric said, shaking his head. “You’ve got it bad, huh?”
“As bad as it can get,” I nodded. “We were together for nine years.”
“Nine years?” he repeated incredulously. “How old were you when you hooked up with her? Twelve?”
“Actually, thirteen.”
“Geez,” he said. “That’s crazy.”
“Yup.”
“Does that mean you’ve only ever slept with one woman your whole life?”
I shook my head and got to my feet. “I’ve got a call to make, Eric,” I said, patting him on the shoulder as he looked at me in amazement. “Get back to the party and enjoy yourself.”
“Does it?” he shouted after me as I walked away from the raucous noise of the party.
I went into the quiet of my bunker and closed the door to shut out the noise. The moment I did, a muffled silence fell over me, and I breathed a sigh of relief. It was nice to hear myself think again. I had learnt the hard way that distracting myself from thoughts of Lauren never worked. She managed to wheedle her way into the deepest depths of my imagination and she refused to be expelled.
After a while, I realized I didn’t actually want to distract myself from her memory. I wanted to remember her, I wanted to miss her, and I wanted to think about her every chance I got. She had been more than just my lover and my soul mate. She had been my best friend, and I meant that literally.
I opened my laptop and checked the signal. The connection was poor, but I really wanted to speak to my parents, especially since it was Christmas Eve. I turned on Skype and hoped the connection would hold long enough for us to have a conversation. Before long, I was online, and moments later, I received a call from my mother’s Skype account.
I accepted the call and waited till the picture straightened out a little. Mom was sitting in her office room wearing a red sweater and a bright smile.
“Chase!” she said delightedly. “I was scared we wouldn’t be able to talk today.”
The image was grainy, but it was better than nothing. “Merry Christmas, Mom,” I said. “I’m so glad I caught you guys. Where’s Dad?”
“He went to the airport to pick up Aunt Cynthia; you’re ahead of us over there, so we won’t be celebrating Christmas Eve till tomorrow evening.” she said. “How are you doing? Are you eating well?”
She always kicked out conversations off with that question. I had come to expect it and I had my answer prepared. “I’m eating like a lion,” I replied. “Need to keep strong.”
“Of course,” she nodded. “And how is the Middle East?”
“The same as it’s always been,” I replied, unwilling to talk about my current location. “I miss home.”
“And home misses you, honey,” she replied. “It’s been hard this Christmas without you and your brother around.”
I felt the pain of her words and a prick of guilt eased its way to the surface. “I know,” I said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you guys. But you’re having people over, right?”
“We are,” she nodded. “Your father’s brothers and their families are coming over, Lou and Mary from next door, and of course, Aunt Cynthia.”
“Well, at least you won’t be alone,” I said, taking a small amount of comfort from that.
“I was adamant that we have company over this Christmas,” she nodded. “I couldn’t bear the thought of an empty house at this time. At least it’ll keep me distracted.”
“That’s the spirit, Mom,” I nodded.
I drummed into a thoughtful silence wondering how I was going to ask my next question without being overly obvious about it. “Things are good over there?” I asked hedging a little.
“Yes, darling,” she replied. “As good as can be expected.”
I nodded. “Have you by any chance seen Lauren lately?”
I couldn’t quite catch the expression on Mom’s face; it was too grainy for me to be sure. “No, dear,” she replied after a moment. “I haven’t seen or spoken to her since her graduation. I was thinking about calling her tomorrow on Christmas Eve to wish her well, but if you don’t think that’s a good idea, then I won’t call.”
“Oh no, no, you should call,” I said hurriedly. “I mean…I don’t think Lauren would mind.”
Mom nodded. “I take it you haven’t spoken to her since you left?”
“No,” I sighed. “I have written to her, though.”
“Oh?”
“Six letters by last count,” I admitted. “The last one should get to her in a few days.”
“And?”
“No reply,” I said shortly. “I don’t even know if she got any of them. I suppose I’m hoping that’s the case considering I haven’t received any replies.”
“Chase.”
“I miss her, Mom,” I said before I could stop myself. “I was a complete idiot.”
She sighed. “Oh, honey, there’s no point looking back now.”
“I know…it’s just….”
“Hard,” Mom nodded. “I know.”
“If you do speak to her, could you just find out how she’s doing?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“Great,” I nodded. “Thank you. Anyway…I’ll let you go now and I’ll try and talk to you guys again on Christmas.”
“Sounds good,” she nodded. “Be safe, son.”
Once I had closed my laptop, I decided to walk outside and get some fresh air. My bunker suddenly felt intensely claustrophobic and I wanted to see sky. The terrain looked dry and lackluster. There was no color except for the dusky shades of brown that painted the land in his various hues.
Still, there was a certain amount of attractiveness I could appreciate from the barren landscape. The midnight-blue sky was twice as hypnotic and the absence of light and the isolation of our location meant I could see three times as many stars in the sky. They glowed fiercely, lighting up everything with their shimmering glow.
“Lauren,” I whispered to the wind, imagining that we were both looking up at the same sky. I knew it was right that I should be here; the mistake had been leaving Lauren behind.
I was so wrapped up in thought that I didn’t see Damper approach me from behind.
“What are you doing out here when there’s a party going on in there?” he asked as he stood next to me.
“I was just…thinking,” I replied.
“Bullshit,” Damper said. “You were brooding. Is this about the pretty girlfriend you left behind?”
“Umm….”
“Come on dude,” he said shaking his head. “You’ve got to put that behind you and stop being such a girl.”
“What?” I said with a laugh. “How am I being a girl?”
“You’re standing out here alone staring up at the sky. What do you think that’s going to do – magically transport her over here?”
I shook my head at Damper. “I don’t know why I’m friends with you.”
Damper laughed out loud. “It’s because of my brazen honesty.”
“I could do with a few less honest friends,” I said.
He continued laughing unperturbed. “You’ve got three and a half years left,” he replied. “There’s no point torturing yourself through it. You’ve got to relax a bit and remember why you signed up in the first place. Remember that and forget the rest.”
I sighed, knowing he had a point, but also aware it was all easier said than done. I wanted to be alone, but Damper was right; it would do me no good to dwell on things I had no power to change.
“Come on, man,” he said. “Let’s get inside. It’s getting cold out here.”
I had no choice but to follow him.
Chapter Nineteen
Lauren
“Come on, sweetheart,” I said in my most comforting voice. “Calm down now.”
He had been screaming now for almost fifteen minutes and all I could do was loo
k at the time. If Cole kept this up for much longer, I knew I was going to be late for my meeting with Jeremy. All I was wearing were my sweats and my nursing bra. I still hadn’t showered, my hair needed to be washed, and I needed to get Cole fed and swaddled for a nap before I left.
I rocked him back and forth in my arms, trying to get him to calm down, but nothing seemed to be working. He was just a little, blotchy face that was red from crying.
“You’ve got to help me out here, little man,” I said desperately. “I’ve already rescheduled this meeting twice.”
Just then, the front door opened and my mother walked in. I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God you’re here,” I said. “He’s been crying for fifteen minutes straight, and I don’t know what to do.”
Mom put her bag down and approached me immediately. She took one look at Cole and then she lifted him out of my hands. “Well, you’d be screaming too if you were wrapped up like a toffee,” she said as she unwrapped the blanket I had placed around him. Then she proceeded to remove the blue onsie he was wearing until there was nothing left but his diaper.
After mere moments, Cole’s crying reduced to light sniffling before it stopped altogether. “Are you serious?” I said, staring at Cole. “He was just hot?”
“Yup,” Mom replied as she lifted him into her arms again and placed a kiss on his temple.
“Oh God,” I said collapsing into the only armchair in the living room. “I am a terrible mother.”
“You have a baby that’s four-weeks-old,” she said gently. “This is the learning curve.”
“Oh,” I moaned as I placed my head in my hands.
“Don’t you have a meeting to get to?” she asked.
“It’s an informal one,” I nodded. “But I’m already late.”
“This is the Jeremy that I met at your graduation?” she asked curiously.
“The same one,” I nodded.
“Hmm,” Mom said thoughtfully.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she said quickly. “Now why don’t you nurse your son quickly and get dressed. I’ll take care of things from there.”
I took a deep breath and extended my hands out so that Mom could place Cole into them. Now that he was free from the restraints of his clothing, he cooed at me happily. I shook my head at him and kissed his forehead before I unhooked one strap of my bra so that I could feed him. Mom sat down next to me and I could practically see the wheels in her head spinning.
