by Nella Tyler
“Is it me or does it look smaller than I remember?”
“It’s not you,” Lauren said softly.
“It feels like another lifetime ago.”
“Do you ever regret leaving your football career behind?” she asked.
“Not for a second,” I said. “The military was always where I was meant to be. There’s only one thing about that particular choice that I regret, and I think you already know what that is.”
She smiled and it gave me the courage to reach out and take her hand. She didn’t resist me; instead she slipped her hand into mine readily and we walked across the field together.
“The bleachers,” she said absentmindedly as she looked over towards them with a memory in her eyes. I knew exactly what she was thinking of.
“Braden was playing,” I said. “We came to watch him play.”
“But we didn’t end up watching him at all,” Lauren laughed. “We spent the whole game under the bleachers.”
“We had our first kiss there,” I said fondly.
She nodded. “We were thirteen then…barely. Actually, I think I might still have been twelve. It feels like so long ago.”
“We grew up together, didn’t we?” I said turning away from the bleachers and towards Lauren. “I always assumed you would be a part of my life. I think that was why I ended up taking you for granted.”
Her eyes refused to meet mine. I took both her hands in mine and said her name softly. “Lauren.” Finally, she met my gaze and we could both tell that the moment was upon us. “I should never have left you behind. I should never have turned my back on you. I’ve regretted it every day for the past four years. I’m so sorry, Lauren. Please forgive me?”
She held my gaze for a long moment and I honestly felt as though my heart was going to jump right out of my chest. The loss of the past four years rose up to sit between us and I wondered if we could actually put it behind us and move forward.
She took a deep breath. “I need forgiveness, too,” she said at last.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Lauren
“You need forgiveness?” he asked.
It was a beautiful night. There was enough light that we could see each other clearly, but not enough to wipe out the winking stars in the sky. The air was cool but the breeze was warm, and it licked at my skirt and pulled gently at my hair. Chase was standing close to me, holding tightly to both my hands.
He looked incredibly handsome under the muted light. His dark hair and his eyes looked exactly the same color as he gazed down at me. I wanted so much to simply fall into his arms and allow them to comfort me, but I knew I couldn’t do it until I had made my confession.
It had been a perfect night so far and I’d realized how natural, how easy everything felt with Chase. We had a past together; we had a history that spanned nearly a decade of memories and there was no getting past that.
“Yes,” I nodded as my throat began to close up.
For the first time that night, I was truly scared. I was scared about how he would react. Would he stay there looking at me or would he drop my hands with hurt? It was in the last few moments, surrounded by memories of the two of us as young kids that I realized how wrong I had been to keep my secret all those years.
“I…I should have told you this…a long time ago,” I said choking over my words and coming to abrupt stops in the middle of my sentence. “I’m sorry…I…”
Chase pulled me closer to him cutting off my words as he stared down at me with new emotion in his eyes. “Lauren,” he said softly. “It’s okay.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head, trying not to be distracted by how close our bodies were to each other. “I have to tell you this.”
“It’s about Cole, isn’t it?” Chase asked with hesitation.
I stopped short and looked up at him. “I…yes,” I nodded.
“He’s mine, isn’t he?”
I gulped back my tears and nodded. “Yes, he is.”
“Lauren—”
“Please,” I said cutting him off. “I need to say this before I lose my nerve.”
He nodded, and I took a step back so that we were no longer linked together. He wasn’t touching me anymore and that freed up my mind to say the things that needed to be said.
“I found out I was pregnant right after Braden’s funeral,” I started. “And I didn’t tell you about it then because you were…so lost. You were so broken over Braden’s death that I didn’t want to confuse you with my pregnancy. I wanted you to focus on mourning him so that you could heal in your own time. I wanted to give you the space you needed.
“I was waiting for things to get better. I was waiting for you to come to me like you always did. I wanted you to need me, but Braden’s death pushed us apart...and the only thing you seemed to want was solitude.
“And then you came to me that day and told me you had enlisted and…it changed everything. After I knew you weren’t planning on taking me with you, something inside me broke.
“Whenever I imagined my future, it was always with you, Chase. So much so that I’d stopped thinking in terms of myself, whenever I thought about anything at all, I always thought in terms of us. So when I realized that you had changed the story on me…I guess I felt…lost, betrayed, and let down. I’m not trying to justify why I didn’t tell you. I’m just trying to make you understand where my headspace was at during that time.
“I thought I was protecting my baby by keeping the news from you. I thought I was sparing you the pain of choosing between two things you really wanted. But I realized recently that the only one I was trying to protect was myself. I wasn’t thinking of you or Cole. I was only thinking of my broken heart. I was mad at you for breaking it and this was the only revenge I could exact. It was wrong, it was unfair, and I should have seen it sooner, but….”
I trailed off a little, caught up by the emotion of my confession. It was hard to say certain things, but they needed to be said and once they were out, I realized I felt lighter. I felt free. I glanced at Chase’s eyes, wondering if I would see anger or hurt there, but there was a shadow across his face that cut off his expressions. It didn’t matter; I needed to tell him the truth. At the stage, I owed him that much.
“I want you to know how sorry I am for keeping this secret from you. I know that because of me, you missed out on the first four years of your son’s life and that is not something I think I could ever forgive. But…but….”
I struggled with the words as tears welled up in my eyes and I knew I couldn’t go on much longer. Before I could finish my sentence, Chase walked up to me and encircled me with his arms. I was taken aback by the unexpected intimacy of the contact, but I was also intensely grateful. I needed to be held; I needed to be held by this man.
We stood like that for a long time and when Chase finally pulled back, I could at last see what was in his eyes. There was some sadness there; there was loss, and perhaps an edge of hurt. But there was no anger. He reached up with his fingers and stroked my cheek gently.
“Thank you for telling me all that,” he said. “And thank you for asking for forgiveness. Now, it’s my turn.”
I had not expected those words from him, but I took a step back just like he had and allowed him to say whatever it is he needed to say. A part of me already knew what was in his head – he had made no secret of that in all those letters to me, but I understood that he needed to say the words out loud while I was standing there listening to them.
“After Braden’s death, I can’t honestly say I know what happened. I ignored all my natural instincts and walked down a dark path. Instead of coming to you, I turned my back on you, I lashed out at you, and I turned bitter. I know it must have seemed as though I was angry at you sometimes, but I think I was just disappointed in myself.
“I felt unworthy and useless. I felt as though I had no purpose in this life and that didn’t sit well with me. I mean, here I had this heroic brother who had died fighting for his country and what wa
s I doing? I was playing a game for money and worrying about which series to binge watch on Saturday nights. I wanted something more, and I forgot the people in my life. I forgot you.
“I enlisted because I wanted to get rid of that nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach that was telling me I was worthless. And, a part of me felt like I needed to do it alone.
“I need you to know that I always wanted to be with you. That was never a question. I just didn’t want to take you with me and run the risk of losing you like I lost Braden. My mistake was in taking you for granted and believing that you would always be there waiting for me.
“I suppose a part of me hadn’t expected you to react the way you did. I thought you’d nod and allow me to do exactly what I wanted. That was usually how our relationship went. You gave me my way – you usually did. I never expected you to stand your ground and break up with me. Even after the fact, I never assumed the break up would hold. I always assumed we’d be back together in no time.
“It was only after I was in the Middle East surrounded by a barren, new reality that I realized what I had done. It was only then that I understood I had lost you. I want you to know I never stopped loving you. I never stopped wanting or needing you.
“It was only after I was overseas that I realized my life already had purpose. My life was purposeful because you were in it. You were, are, and will always be the only woman in my life. Will you forgive me for leaving you behind?”
His words released the last bit of anger and hurt that resided deep inside me. I’d been carrying it around for so long that I felt oddly naked now that I was free of those weighty emotions. “Yes,” I said softly. “I forgive you.”
Chase came forward and took my hand again. He kissed it passionately and then he turned those beautiful, brown eyes on me. “As I forgive you.”
It was a perfect moment, and nothing else needed to be said afterwards. We held hands and walked towards the bleachers. We sat down together and I rested my head on Chase’s shoulder. There was an edge of nostalgia in the air, but there was the atmosphere of new beginnings that surrounded us, too. I felt as though I had finally come up for air for the first time in four years.
“There’s so much I want to know,” Chase said, kissing my head.
“Ask me anything,” I said willingly.
“You chose Braden’s name for our son,” he said, and it was amazing to hear him use the words “our son.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I know it seems odd,” I admitted. “But the truth was I wanted him to have something of yours. I wanted our son to have something that linked him to you and your family, something strong and brave and heroic. So I picked Braden’s name because he was all of those things. And because you loved him.”
Chase nodded as though he were absorbing my explanation. I ran my fingers across his callused palm, trying to familiarize myself with the new lines on his body and hands. “Were you lonely over there?” I asked.
“Very,” he nodded. “Always; the loneliness never went away, even when I was surrounded by friends. My loneliness and your absence went hand in hand.”
“Did you ever…meet anyone over there?” I asked before I lost my nerve.
He looked down at me and smiled. “I’ve never been with any other woman except you, Lauren,” he said fervently. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever slept with. You’re the only woman I’ve ever even kissed. And I’m proud of that fact.”
I smiled.
“What about you?” he asked.
“I went on a few dates about a year or so after Cole was born,” I admitted. “None of them went well. I never had a second date with any of them. In the end, I just gave up.”
“Why?”
“At the time, I told myself it was because I wasn’t ready yet and I needed to focus on being a mother,” I explained. “But the truth was that on some level, I always knew that no man would ever match up to you. I gave you my heart a long time ago…and I never really got it back. I don’t think I really even wanted it back.”
Chase bent down and kissed me hard on the lips. I turned into him and let his hands explore me as our lips and our tongues entwined together. A decade’s worth of memories surrounded us, but we were not the same kids we used to be. And I was starting to believe that that was a good thing.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chase
The apartment was quiet and dark when we entered it. There was only one, lonely lampshade that had been left on for our benefit. Lauren motioned to me to follow her and I did so tentatively, not wanting to disturb the silence.
“Looks like everyone’s asleep,” I whispered, with an edge of disappointment in my tone.
“I didn’t even realize the time had gone by,” Lauren replied. “I would have liked you to meet Cole.”
“Me, too,” I sighed. “I suppose I can wait a day.”
Lauren turned to me and her green eyes looked blue in the shadows. She came forward and kissed me lightly on the lips before she took my hand and led me through the narrow corridor of the apartment to a room on the right. Gently, she pushed open the door and pulled me inside.
The room was boxlike. There was a dresser on one corner next to a miniature table and matching chair. On the other side of the room was a tiny, single bed on which slept my son. He was half covered by his sheets, but I could still make out the chubby roundness of his cheek, the darkness of his hair, and the fluttering of his lashes.
There was a tiny side table by the bed on which sat a nightlight that cast dancing images of fish on the wall. Lauren kept a firm grip on my hand as she encouraged me to move closer. She leaned in a little and pulled back the covers slightly so that I could see Cole’s face. I could see a little of myself in him, but I could see Lauren, too…and Braden.
I stared at him for a long time and it still didn’t feel like enough. “He’s perfect,” I whispered at last.
“He is,” Lauren nodded. “He’s the best thing I will ever do with my life. He’s my purpose.”
“Is it okay if we stay here a little longer?” I asked.
“You can stay as long as you like,” she nodded.
She waited patiently by my side as I stood over Cole and watched the gentle rhythm of his breathing. Every now and again, he stirred in his sleep and changed position. He had long, brown eyelashes that held tinges of gold. He had a birthmark just under his chin so that you almost missed it. He had a small, button nose he had inherited from Lauren. His hair was teetering on the long side and it tickled his neck and created little waves on his pillow. Every now and again, he sighed in his sleep as though he were dreaming.
It was only when my legs began to complain that I realized how long we’d been standing there. I turned to Lauren and nodded, and she led me back outside. Then we walked into her room and she shut the door behind us. We settled onto her bed, but we kept the lights off. It was intensely intimate with just the darkness and us. We lay together, side by side, our bodies twisted into one.
“I can’t believe he’s my son,” I said honestly.
“It’ll take some getting used to,” she said gently. “But you know, I used to tell Cole about you when he was a baby.”
“Really?” I said with surprise.
“Of course,” she nodded. “I told him that his daddy was a brave man and he was out there serving his country. I used to describe you to him and tell him little stories about your childhood and our life together before he was born. It was strange; whenever he cried, I would just start talking about you and he would stop.”
“It must have been hard raising him alone.”
“I wasn’t alone,” Lauren replied. “Mom was with me the whole time. Did you know that Cole was born on Christmas?”
“Really?” I said sitting up.
“I went into labor on Christmas Eve,” Lauren nodded. “And I delivered him on Christmas.”
“Christmas four years ago,” I said mostly to myself. “I remember what I was doin
g at that moment.”
“What were you doing?” Lauren asked with interest.
I hesitated for a moment. “I was writing to you,” I said softly.
Her eyes grew sad for a moment and then I saw them clear slightly as she looked up at me. “Your letters,” she whispered as she reached out to cup my face.
“You got them, didn’t you?” I asked.
“Yes,” she nodded. “I got all of them. I suppose I have another confession to make.”
I raised my eyebrows. “You burned all of them?” I asked trying to make light of it.
“Of course not,” she seemed offended by the idea. “Even back when I thought I hated you I would never have been able to burn anything from you. I kept them all, I just didn’t read any of them.”
“You never read…even one?”
“No,” she shook her head. “Not until today.”
I looked at her in shock. “You read all of them today?”
“I read them all a few hours before you picked me up,” she admitted. “It was the first time I had the courage to see what was inside them.”
“What made you decide to read them now, after all this time?” I asked curiously.
“Hope,” she said simply.
That was all the explanation I needed. I kissed her softly on the lips before she pulled back to look at me. “Thank you,” she said.
“Thank you for what?”
“For those letters,” she said. “They were beautiful.”
“I’m glad you finally read them,” I smiled.
She nodded. “Would you like to see pictures of your son when he was a baby?”
I sat up expectantly. “I would love that,” I nodded emphatically.
She got up off the bed and moved to her closet where she pulled out two, large albums. I switched on the bedside lamps and we re-positioned ourselves on the bed so that we could sift through the pictures. Every moment of Cole’s life seemed to have been accounted for. There were pictures of his first bath, his first yawn, his first laugh, and his first step.
