On the Rocks

by Kandi Steiner

  I chuckled, patting his head like he was a child.

  “I’d do anything for you,” he said, lifting his head. He ran the pad of his thumb over my chin, pulling me in for a long, sweet kiss. “And you’re worth the wait.”

  I swallowed, smiling through the unfamiliar discomfort I felt. He was my fiancé, I used to squirm under his touch, anticipating more.

  Now, I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, kissing him again, this time with my hands in his hair and pulling him closer. I wanted to erase the discomfort, convince myself it was just pre-wedding jitters, or the overstimulation of the day.

  I love him, I told myself as we kissed. And I knew it was true.

  I just couldn’t place the other emotion that I felt.

  “Okay, okay,” he said, breaking our kiss and smacking my butt playfully. “Stop kissing me like that if you’re not going to put out, little lady.”

  I giggled, pecking his cheek once more before I let him go. “I’m going to take a shower and get some sleep. See you at breakfast in the morning?”

  “See you then. And, hey,” he said, sweeping my hair from my face. “You were wonderful tonight. I’m so lucky to have a woman like you standing behind me.”

  My throat tightened again at the phrasing he used. I knew what he meant, that I was by his side, his partner in crime — but the thought of me only standing behind him made my stomach turn.

  And Noah’s words popped into my mind.

  I smiled, running my hand over his arm until I held his hand in mind. I squeezed it once, excusing myself in the next breath and escaping to my bedroom.

  As I showered and got ready for bed, I tried to decompress from the night. I ran through everything I loved about it, and chose to acknowledge the things I didn’t love so much without judging them. I let those thoughts pass almost like clouds in the sky, touching each of them before I let them pass without another thought.

  I had a tendency to overthink, and I knew in my heart that was what was happening now. I still loved Anthony. I still wanted to marry him. I still wanted to be the woman next to him when he was sworn into office as State Representative, and one day, as the President of the United States.

  This was the life I wanted. This was the life I was always meant to live.

  I crawled into bed with a renewed sense of ease and excitement for the weekend. I had wedding planning to do, and Anthony would be there with me. I wasn’t alone anymore, and I took comfort in that as my eyelids grew heavy, the gentle breeze outside lulling me into a peaceful sleep.

  Until around three in the morning, when I woke from a dream with a sheen of sweat on my forehead and Noah Becker’s name on my lips.

  Noah

  The next night, my brothers and I sat on Mom’s porch, drinking beer and decompressing from work while Mom made her famous pork chops inside. She had Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors album blasting as she sang and danced along, moving around the kitchen, occasionally popping outside to see if any of us needed another beer. Family dinner night was always the happiest I saw Mom. It was when she had all her boys home, a meal to cook, a purpose.

  I kicked back in one of the rocking chairs on the porch, one boot propped on the porch railing as I cracked open a new beer. I was still dirty from raising barrels all day, my muscles aching from the additional lifting I’d done loading up the single barrels the night before into buyer vehicles after the Soirée.

  The sun was beginning its slow descent over our sleepy Tennessee town, casting Mom’s small garden in an evening glow as I took in the sight of my brothers. Jordan was still in his coaching gear, fresh off a day of summer training with Stratford High’s football team hopefuls. Logan wore his Scooter Whiskey tour guide polo and faded denim jeans, his face as worn as mine from working the night before at the Soirée and then an entire Friday shift, too. And though Mikey didn’t have to work the Soirée, he had still been there all night, dancing with Bailey before having to report for an all-day shift at the Scooter Whiskey gift shop.

  It’d been a long Friday for all of us, and the normally rowdy Becker brothers were almost completely silent as we watched the sun set, sipping on our beers, rocking in our chairs, just existing together. We’d talk for a little bit before falling silent again, until someone else felt enough energy to pipe up.

  “The boys looked good out on the field today when I drove by,” Logan commented to Jordan.

  My older brother nodded. “Glad that’s what you saw. It was a mess from where I was standing.”

  I chuckled. “You say that every year, and then you make it to state or damn near.”

  He humphed. “Sometimes we get lucky. Sometimes we don’t.”

  “Luck has nothing to do with it,” Logan said. “A hard-working team and the best coach in Tennessee does, though.”

  “We lost half of that hard-working team when this year’s seniors graduated,” Jordan pointed out.

  “I wish Dad was here.”

  The words came from Mikey, who had been silent up until that point, and they sliced through the quiet evening like the screeching tires of a car seconds away from slamming into a tree. Every single one of us paused where we were rocking in our chairs or taking a sip of our beers, a heavy silence falling over the entire family like a weighted fog.

  Jordan cleared his throat first, clamping a hand on Mikey’s shoulder with an understanding, soft smile. “We all do, buddy.”

  Mikey nodded, working the tab on his root beer back and forth before it broke off and he dropped it inside the can. “I think it’s different for me, though.”

  “Why do you think that?” Logan asked.

  Mikey shrugged. “Because I was only eight when he died. You guys were all older, teenagers, at least. You had all this time with him.” His voice faded, eyes still on his can. “He won’t be at my graduation.”

  Logan and I exchanged a glance, then, realizing why the topic had been brought up. Mikey was seventeen, heading into his senior year — and Jordan had just mentioned graduation. I remembered that time of my life so well — the excitement of being at the top of the school, of finally finishing, mixed with the worry of what would happen next, where life would take me.

  I had so many questions when I was that age — a teenager, becoming a new adult.

  And I had Dad to answer them.

  So did Jordan.

  So did Logan, though Dad died just weeks after his graduation.

  We’d all had him there, and once again, Mikey was left out of that equation.

  “We’ll be there,” I finally said to Mikey, breaking the silence. “Mom, too. And Dad will be there, even if you can’t see him.”

  Mikey sighed. “It’s not the same.”

  “It’s not,” Jordan agreed. “And it’s okay to be sad that he’s not here anymore. We all have days. We will for the rest of our lives. He was our father.”

  He paused at that, swallowing hard, and I could see it in his eyes, that sad truth like a ghost in his pupils. He was Jordan’s father — no matter what anyone in the town had to say about it. But, I still knew he wondered who his biological one was.

  I wondered if any of us would ever know.

  “It happens to me more in the small moments than the big ones,” Logan chimed in, finger tapping on the koozie wrapped around his beer can. “Like, I didn’t really think about him when I got the tour guide job at such a young age. But, when I’m fishing out at the lake, or when I catch a whiff of cologne that smells like the one he used to wear… that’s when it hits me. That’s when I have that I wish he was here moment.”

  My stomach twisted. “For me, it’s always when I dance with Mom.”

  We all glanced over our shoulders and inside the house, watching Mom bop around the kitchen with a soft smile on her face.

  “I can take your turn tonight,” Logan offered. “If you want.”

  I shook my head. “Nah, I don’t mind missing him, or thinking about him.” I shrugged. “Like Jordan said, it’s j
ust become a permanent part of my life now.”

  We were all silent for a long moment, facing the garden again, sipping from our drinks.

  “I think it’s the unresolved part of it all that gets to me most,” Mikey said after a while. “Do you think Mom will ever stop looking for answers?”

  None of us responded. None of us had to. We all knew she’d never stop asking, stop looking for holes in the reports, for foul play at the distillery. No matter how many years passed, she would never believe that fire was started by a cigarette.

  “Hey, how was Nashville with Bailey?” Logan asked, effectively changing the subject.

  Mikey seemed a little hesitant to let the topic of Dad go, but after a moment, a grin spread across his face, his eyes sparking with the kind of love-sick look only Bailey brought out in him. “It was so crazy. Seeing her on stage, the crowds going wild for her?” Mikey shook his head. “I’ll never forget it. She told the label she wants to finish high school, but that she’ll sign the contract as soon as we walk across the stage. Can you believe that?” He just kept shaking his head. “She’s going to do it. She’s going to be the next country music star. A hometown girl from Stratford, Tennessee.”

  “And are you ready for all that comes with that?” I asked.

  “As long as I’m with her, I’m ready for anything.”

  I opened my mouth to point out every flaw I saw in this potential plan, starting with the fact that Bailey’s entire life would change when she signed that contract, but Jordan locked eyes with me, shaking his head almost imperceptibly to warn me off the subject. It didn’t matter right now, and just because I was a pessimist didn’t mean I had to drag my little brother down with me.

  He had hope. And love. And a bright-eyed view of what the world could be for him.

  I just hoped he could keep all of it.

  “The Soirée was fun last night,” Logan said, changing the subject yet again. One thick eyebrow ticked up as he appraised me. “Seemed like you found yourself in some drama, big bro.”

  Jordan narrowed his eyes. “What drama?”

  “My thoughts exactly,” I said to Jordan before giving Logan an incredulous look. “I showed up and did my job just like I do every year.”

  “You also ticked off the future State Representative of North Carolina,” Logan shot.

  I scoffed, draining the last of my beer before slamming the empty can on the table between us. “That guy’s a douche. And I was nothing but polite to him, even though he didn’t deserve it. I treated him just like all the other buyer’s.”

  “Did you dance with all the other buyer’s fiancé’s, too?”

  Logan waggled his brows, and I glared at him before thumping his arm.

  “Ah,” Mikey said, a shit-eating grin spreading on his face. “Ruby Grace’s fiancé is in town, huh? Does he know about that close call you two had on your front porch after poker last weekend?”

  “Shut it, Mikey,” I warned, at the same time Jordan asked, “What close call?”

  “Did you kiss her?” Logan asked immediately after, a grin sliding over his face. “You sly dog. You kissed her, didn’t you?”

  “I didn’t kiss her,” I growled, letting my feet drop off the porch railing and onto the wood below my chair.

  “But you wanted to,” Mikey said. “I saw you two. If I hadn’t shown up with that root beer float, there would have been some lip lock action and you know it.”

  Logan and Mikey chuckled. Jordan just watched me, waiting. I leaned forward, elbows balanced on my knees as I tried to school my breaths, tried to think of anything I could say to get them off my back, but I knew it was useless.

  I could deny it all day long, but these were my brothers. They’d see right through me.

  I shook my head, letting it hang between my shoulders a moment before I lifted it again, eyes scanning the fading sun over Mom’s yard. “Yeah, okay. Maybe I did want to kiss her.”

  “I knew it,” Mikey chimed.

  “But I didn’t,” I pointed out again, glaring at my youngest brother before I acknowledged the other two. “And it doesn’t matter anyway, because she’s getting married in less than five weeks.”

  “If she’s so set on marrying that guy, why has she been spending so much time with you?” Mikey asked.

  I shrugged, eyes falling to the porch. “I don’t think she actually does want to marry him, to be honest. She’s young, under pressure from her family. From what I know about her, this isn’t the life she wants at all. But I think she feels… stuck.”

  Logan frowned. “That’s sad.”

  I nodded. “It is. You know, when I first met her, I thought she was just another prissy, privileged rich girl. But she’s so much more than what her family portrays her as. She’s smart, and caring, and funny. She volunteers down at the nursing home, did you know that?” I shook my head. “That whole place lights up when she’s there. And she had dreams of finishing college, going into AmeriCorps. But she’s dropping out of school to be Mr. Asshole’s wife — all because that’s what she’s expected to do.”

  My brothers were quiet for a long moment before Mikey spoke again. “I’ve never seen you like this before. You usually have girls lined up who want your attention, and you can never be bothered.”

  “Not for more than a one-night stand, anyway,” Logan chuffed.

  Mikey grinned, but it slipped when he faced me again. “You really like her, don’t you?”

  My stomach clenched, and I wished I hadn’t drained my beer. I needed something to do, something to hold or drink or anything to keep my hands from tightening into anxious fists.

  I couldn’t answer that question.

  I guessed I didn’t really have to.

  “Of course, she’s under pressure from her family. She’s a Barnett,” Jordan reminded me after a long pause, as if that was a fact I could ever forget. “And that’s even more reason for you to stay away from her.”

  “I disagree.”

  We all looked at Logan, then, who was never one to speak out against Jordan.

  “I’m just saying, if there’s something between you two, maybe she needs more time to see what you already see — that she’s making a mistake. If you were around her more, showing her what it could be like if she was with someone who really gave a shit about her, someone who cared what her dreams were…” Logan shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe you could save her from making a mistake.”

  “That’s not his job to do,” Jordan fired back.

  “Isn’t it?” Logan kicked back in his chair, leveling eyes with our oldest brother. “We’re Beckers. We always stand up for what’s right. And Ruby Grace being auctioned off like an eighteenth-century bride isn’t right. Her marrying someone she doesn’t want to isn’t right. And if Noah can stop her, if he can show her something more?” Logan looked at me, then. “I say, why not?”

  “Because it’s wrong,” Jordan chimed in again before I could answer. “She’s engaged to someone else. Whether she made that decision the right way or not is not Noah’s or anyone else’s business. As long as she has that ring on her finger, she’s off limits.”

  “They could just be friends.”

  It was Mikey who spoke, then, and we all turned to him as he shrank under our gazes.

  “I mean, I’m just saying, you don’t have to do anything inappropriate,” he clarified. “Just be there for her. Give her someone to talk to, someone to work through what she’s feeling with.”

  We were all silent at that, and I mulled it over, tossing the thought around in my mind like a poker chip between my fingers. Ruby Grace and I hadn’t crossed any lines, we hadn’t done anything that she needed to feel guilty about. I didn’t want to leave her alone. I missed her. And I wanted to be around her — in whatever way I could be.

  But could I just be her friend?

  It seemed impossible, knowing the way I felt about her now, the way I couldn’t stop thinking of her, the way my blood boiled when I imagined that douchebag going home to her at
night, putting his hands on her, touching her, kissing her.

  My fists tightened.

  “You’ll just get yourself hurt,” Jordan said after a while. “If you’re her friend, if you’re more than that — regardless, she’s marrying that guy this summer. And the closer you get to her, the more that is going to gut you in the end.”

  “He’s probably right,” Logan agreed.

  My heart sank, realizing how futile it all was.

  “But,” Logan continued. “I’m just saying, I know I wouldn’t want to give up on it without knowing I tried. I’d rather be fucked up in the end and know I tried to get the girl than to just let her go without ever showing her what her options are.”

  Mikey nodded. “Same. I know I couldn’t walk away from Bailey, even if there was another guy in the picture. She’s the kind of girl you fight for. And it seems like Ruby Grace is, too.”

  Jordan stood, throwing his hands up. “Do what you want, Noah. But just know I don’t approve of this. She’s nearly a decade younger than you, she’s the Mayor’s daughter, and she’s engaged. If you won’t hit the brakes with all those road blocks in your view, then don’t be surprised when you crash at the end of it all.”

  He walked inside, the screen door slamming shut behind him as he joined Mom in the kitchen. When he was gone, Logan and Mikey watched me carefully, both chewing the inside of their cheeks.

  “This is idiotic,” I finally said.

  “Completely,” Logan agreed.

  “Jordan’s right. I’ll probably just end up even more messed up than I am now.”

  Mikey nodded. “Most likely.”

  I sighed, head bobbing between my shoulders as I ran over all the reasons I should stay away from Ruby Grace, all the reasons I should walk away and wish her luck and forget she ever came back to town at all. I ticked off each warning sign like a mental checklist, but while my chest should have been tight with dread, it was floating on the smallest ounce of hope.

  I knew Logan was right.

  I couldn’t walk away from her. Not without fighting for her first.