Purrfectly Clueless

by Nic Saint

  “Dooley,” I said warningly.

  “So I was lying in my basket, dreaming of rabbits and birds and cats—”

  Dooley opened his mouth to say something, but he caught my eye and shut up.

  “Carry on,” I said kindly. “You dreamed of rabbits and birds and cats and then what happened?”

  “Well, then Kimberlee had a visitor. I didn’t hear them come in, only woke up when I heard voices. They were chatting about this and that—I didn’t really pay attention. Humans are always gabbing on and on and you kinda lose interest after a while.” She sniffed. “If only I’d paid more attention, she might still be alive.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yeah, you can’t think that way,” said Dooley.

  “So they talked and then this person left, cause they stopped talking, and then there was a strange noise. Like steam escaping from a kettle. And when curiosity overcame my laziness, and I finally tripped into the other room, there she was, lying on the floor, writhing about in some sort of agony. I quickly hurried up to her, desperate to help, but she’d already stopped moving. I started yapping like crazy, hoping someone would come. Someone must have heard, for there was a tapping on the door, but of course they couldn’t get in—the door was locked.

  “And when I just kept on screaming and screaming and scratching the door, they broke it down. It was Zoltan, along with Pete. But by then it was too late. Zoltan tried to revive her, but Pete took one whiff at her, and pulled him back. Said he could get whatever killed her into his system, too, and collapse. They called an ambulance, but nothing could be done. She was gone.”

  “That’s a terrible story,” said Dooley compassionately. “And I’m so very, very sorry. Imagine if something like that happened to Odelia, Max?”

  I didn’t want to even to contemplate that scenario so I decided not to go there. “This person chatting with Kimberlee, who was it?” I asked.

  “I don’t know,” she said sadly. “Like I said, I wasn’t paying attention. I think it was a woman, though. Because of the timbre of the voice?”

  “And what were they talking about?”

  “I only picked up a few words. Um…” She thought hard.

  “Go on,” said Dooley. “Try to remember. This is very important.”

  “I think they discussed a project of some kind? How Kimberlee would be perfect as a director?”

  “A director,” I said, sharing a meaningful look with Dooley. There was only one director present at the mansion, and even though he was a man that didn’t mean he wasn’t the one in the room with Kimberlee.

  “One thing puzzles me, though,” she said. “How did this person leave the room? The door was locked from the inside. So how did they leave?”

  It was a mystery that we hadn’t cracked yet, but I was confident we would at some point.

  We both thanked the grief-stricken doggie and moved into the other room, where Zoltan was seated in front of the television, nursing a drink, and staring at the news reports about Kimberlee’s death. He sat sagged in his seat, and looked as unhappy as Stevie.

  “Yoo-hoo, mister,” said Dooley, but he didn’t pay attention.

  “Can you let us out now, please?” I asked.

  No reaction. The man was completely spaced out.

  “Maybe try the yowling thing again?” Dooley suggested.

  “Or we could go that way,” I suggested, indicating the balcony.

  If Zoltan’s balcony was like most balconies, it would lead to the next one, and then the next, and finally would lead us back to Odelia’s room.

  So we moved to the French windows, and out onto the balcony, then hopped up onto the stone balustrade and glanced around for the next balcony.

  As I’d suspected, it was well within reach, and a quick jump later we were in the next room. Loud voices drifted from inside, and I pricked up my ears to determine their source. They appeared to be a couple fighting, so we settled down on the balcony, and decided to have a listen. Feline spies at work.

  Chapter 26

  “I’m done apologizing, Thaw!” the woman said. “You hear me? Done!”

  “I’m not asking you to apologize, Verna,” said this Thaw person. “All I want is to understand. How could you throw away this—for that!”

  “I loved her,” said Verna. “I really loved her and I thought she loved me.”

  “Well, you were obviously wrong about that, weren’t you? I mean, I’m not going to say I told you so, but I did warn you. She’s the kind of person who uses people. Uses them and then throws them away when she’s done.”

  “I know—and I hated her for it.”

  “I thought you said you loved her?”

  “I loved her and then I hated her. I still hate her—for what she did to me—to us.”

  “You should have thought about that sooner, Verna. It’s too late now.”

  “But I did what you asked me to!”

  “I never asked you to... Oh, God. What a mess.”

  There was a knock at the door and then the man stepped out onto the balcony. He stared down at us, frowned, then said, “Huh. Cats,” and proceeded to ignore us. As if we were part of the furniture.

  “Hi, Miss Rectrix,” said a deferential voice inside the room. “Just a reminder that dinner will be served at seven in the main dining room.”

  “Thanks,” said Verna, sounding morose now.

  “You know what this means, Dooley?” I said excitedly.

  “No, what?” asked Dooley.

  “We found the killer!”

  “We did?”

  “Sure!”

  “So who is it?”

  “Verna! She just said it: ‘I did what you asked me to!’ She killed Kimberlee because she thought her husband asked her to!”

  “Or he could have told her to buy a Snickers bar and she got him a Milky Way instead.”

  “Oh, Dooley,” I said with a laugh. Not such a great detective after all!

  “What? It’s true. Some people like Snickers, others like Milky Way.”

  “Let’s jump to the next balcony and tell Odelia the good news. I’ll bet she’ll be so happy she’ll jump to the roof.”

  “Why would Odelia jump on the roof?”

  “It’s just a figure of speech. Come on.”

  Verna’s husband watched us hop up onto the balustrade, then to the next balcony. “Cats,” he muttered again, then shook his head and soon was lost in what looked like very gloomy thoughts indeed. Like the fact that he’d ordered his wife to murder her girlfriend and she’d actually gone and done it!

  The next balcony did not belong to Odelia either. It was another guest bedroom, and was occupied by a woman I immediately recognized as Alina Isman, the famous and extraordinary actress. She was quarreling with her husband. Today really seemed to be Fight-With-A-Spouse-Day. And since we were there anyway, we decided to stick around for a moment, and hear what they had to say to each other. We might learn something.

  “I wonder where Harriet and Brutus are,” said Dooley as we settled in for another close listen. “Aren’t they supposed to be investigating, too?”

  “I’ll bet they’re in the kitchen,” I said, “looking for something to eat.”

  We shared a look and it soon became clear what our next port of call would be—after we’d delivered the good news to Odelia we’d identified the killer.

  “I’m so, so sorry,” said Alina’s husband. “Can you ever forgive me?”

  “I don’t know if I can,” she said coldly.

  She was standing at the window looking out, her back straight, a pensive look in her eyes as she gazed out into the distance.

  “I swear to God, I never laid a finger on that woman—not a finger!”

  “Oh, spare me the crap, Reinhart,” she said, turning on her heel and laying into him. “You laid more than a finger on her. In fact you laid all of your fingers on her, didn’t you, all eleven of them!”

  Dooley, next to me, was frowning. “Eleven fingers? I though
t humans only had ten fingers?”

  I didn’t have the heart to explain about this elusive eleventh finger. I still had the whole birds and bees thing coming up, and didn’t want to add this finger business to the list, so instead I said, “She probably sucks at math.”

  “No, that never happened,” Reinhart protested. “Look, I admit I wanted to—and when she came on to me I was sorely tempted. But I was strong—for you and for the kids—for our family!”

  “Oh, aren’t you the big hero.”

  “I never gave into temptation!”

  “You’re lying, I can tell.”

  “I’m not!”

  “Your ears are twitching.”

  “They’re not,” he said with a little laugh.

  “They are, too.” There was a pause. “So you and Kimberlee never…”

  “Never,” he said, and sounded earnest. “Besides, she was already having an affair with Verna at the time, and I didn’t want to be just another notch on her belt, you know.”

  “So you wanted to have an affair but you decided she didn’t like you enough, is that it?”

  “That’s not what I said. She tried to seduce me, and I told her in no uncertain terms no way, no how. I was married to one of her best friends, for crying out loud. She didn’t seem to think that mattered one way or the other.”

  “She was never my friend,” said Alina quietly. “I thought she was for a while, but now I see she was just playing me, like she played everyone she came into contact with. We were all simply means to an end. Stepping stones for her to reach the top. The only reason she wanted to sleep with you is because you’re a very important recording artist, Reinhart. And you could have introduced her to a lot of very important people. Helped her career.”

  “Could being the keyword. I never gave into temptation, babe, I swear.”

  “Oh, Reinhart, you’re such a jerk.”

  “I know, babe. But I’m your jerk.”

  “What am I going to do with you?”

  I had the distinct impression the scene was about to turn mushy so I told Dooley, “Let’s go. There’s nothing more for us to learn here.”

  Kissing sounds came from inside the room, and some moaning, too.

  “I think Alina is in danger, Max,” said Dooley. “We should do something.”

  “She’ll be fine. This has got nothing to do with the case and everything to do with human frailty and the tendency to fall for the wrong person.”

  So we hopped the balustrade again and when we reached the next balcony I was over the moon to discover we’d finally reached our destination: inside Chase, Odelia and Gran were arguing about something.

  “You have to tell them, Odelia!” Gran was saying. “It’s not fair to keep them in the dark like this.”

  “I’ll tell them when this is all over. When we’re home.”

  “Better tell them now, or they’ll never trust you again.”

  “Maybe I can tell them,” said Chase, a smile in his voice.

  They both ignored him. “Let’s talk about this later,” said Odelia.

  “No, let’s talk about this now. For the last time,” said Gran, “you have to tell the cats the operation is irreversible. They’ll never have baby cats. Ever.”

  Chapter 27

  “Oh, hey, you guys,” said Odelia when Max and Dooley stepped into the room. “Um... how much did you hear?”

  “We heard everything,” Max said ominously.

  “They heard everything, right?” said Chase. “They don’t look happy.”

  “You wouldn’t look happy if you just overheard someone say you could never have babies,” said Gran.

  “Sorry,” said Chase, a little lamely, then picked up Max and repeated, louder, “I’m very sorry about that, Max—but you can still lead a full and happy life, even though you can’t have babies!”

  “They’re cats—not deaf,” said Gran.

  Chase put Max down again. “Sorry, buddy. This is all new for me.”

  “Look, just tell us already,” said Max. “We’re big cats. We can take it.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Odelia, crouching down and sitting cross-legged. “The thing is, this operation you both had? It’s irreversible.”

  “So the stuff Milo said…”

  “No operation is going to fix this, no matter what Milo said.”

  “Harriet is not going to like this,” said Max.

  “Or Brutus,” said Dooley.

  Odelia eyed Dooley with concern. “Dooley, I know I should have had the talk with you a long time ago, but I always figured you were too young.”

  “Wait, you never had the talk with your cats?” asked Chase. “That’s crazy!”

  “Chase, shut up,” said Gran.

  “Shutting up,” Chase muttered.

  “What talk?” asked Dooley.

  “This is the birds and bees thing I was telling you about,” said Max.

  “Look, when a man and a woman want to make a baby…” said Odelia.

  “This is so weird,” said Chase with a light chuckle.

  “Chase,” said Gran warningly.

  “Or when a tomcat and a queen want to have a baby cat.”

  “Or half a million baby cats,” said Max.

  “So the thing is…” Odelia said. “Um…”

  “Oh, just tell him already!” said Gran.

  “Shut up, Gran.”

  “Maybe I’ll tell them,” Chase suggested. “Man to man, you know.”

  “Shut up, Chase,” snapped Gran.

  “The thing is…” said Odelia, then faltered again.

  “It’s not that hard,” said Max. “Look, Dooley. You know how a bee flies from flower to flower right?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “And the bee takes a little bit of pollen from one flower and delivers it to another flower, and it sets in motion a process of creating new flowers?”

  “Uh-huh,” he said again, listening attentively.

  “Well, the same thing happens when a male and a female of the species meet. The male takes the pollen to the female, and poof! A new baby is born.”

  “Ooh, I think I understand,” said Dooley with a smile.

  “Look at the little guy smiling,” said Chase. “I didn’t even know cats could smile, but look at him smiling.”

  “So what about Harriet? Does this mean Brutus can’t bring her the pollen?”

  Now it was Odelia’s turn to get a little technical. “The thing is, just like flowers, females have a, um, receptacle for the, um, pollen. And the procedure removes the receptacle. It also removes the, um, pollen factory from the male.”

  Dooley nodded slowly. “So Brutus can’t make new pollen, and Harriet can’t receive it.”

  “That’s right. That’s exactly right,” said Odelia, much relieved.

  “Oh, man,” said Dooley. “Looks like they’re both screwed.”

  “Who is screwed?” asked a voice from the window. Two more cats came waltzing in. It was Harriet and Brutus.

  “Uh-oh,” said Dooley.

  “Uh-oh,” said Chase, who seemed to be on the same page as the cats and adjusting quickly to his newly acquired knowledge.

  “It’s actually very simple,” said Dooley. “The operation removed your pollen receptacle, and it also removed Brutus’s pollen factory. So now you can’t have babies anymore, and no operation is going to fix that, no matter what Milo says. Isn’t that right, Odelia?”

  Harriet stared at Dooley for a moment, then cried, “WHAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!”

  “She’s not taking it well,” said Chase.

  “No, she is not,” said Gran. She glanced over to Chase. “Are you sure you don’t understand what they’re saying?”

  “Positive. But it’s not hard to interpret. They’re so expressive!”

  “Harriet, I’m very sorry, but it’s true,” said Odelia. “The operation was permanent. There are no tied-up tubes to untie, and the same goes for Brutus, and Max and Dooley, for that matter.”

  “But WHYYYYYYY
Y?!!!!!” Harriet wailed.

  “Do you really want to fill the world with millions of cats who are never going to find a home because there simply aren’t enough homes to go around?” asked Gran sternly. “Do you? Odelia did you a favor, young lady, and if you don’t appreciate it, you better find yourself another home.”

  “Gran,” said Odelia. “Let me handle this.”

  Harriet seemed on the verge of tears. But then she hardened. “Maybe I will look for a different home.” And then she walked out onto the balcony again.

  “Harriet!” cried Odelia, and hurried over. But when she got there, Harriet was gone. Like a ghost, she’d vanished into thin ear.

  “Oh, damn,” she said.

  And when her grandmother and Chase joined her, Gran said, “Looks like someone threw a hissy fit.”

  “You should have let me handle it, Gran.”

  “You can’t keep pussyfooting around it, Odelia. At some point you have to tell it like it is.”

  “I know, but there are different ways of handling a situation like this.”

  “She’s gone,” said Chase. “So weird.” He looked up, then added, “Oh, there she is.”

  They all looked up, and true enough: Harriet was making her way up along the drainpipe.

  “Harriet, get back here!” said Odelia.

  “Fat chance, baby killer!” Harriet yelled, and hopped onto the roof.

  “Don’t worry,” said Chase. “I’ll get her.”

  And before Odelia could stop him, he was climbing that same drainpipe.

  “Chase, get back here!” she yelled. “You’re going to get yourself killed!”

  “Just be a sec!” he said, then with surprising agility swung his leg over the gutter and disappeared from view.

  “He’s a hero,” said Gran. “Or a moron. The jury is still out.”

  Chapter 28

  Harriet had reached the roof and was pondering her next course of action when Chase Kingsley, of all people, suddenly appeared and joined her.

  “Nice view from up here,” he said, wiping his hands and taking a seat.