She turned off the water and dried her hands. “Humming. That same tune you’d asked me about.”
“I didn’t notice.” He cocked his head and adopted an innocent expression.
“I must sound like a lunatic, humming away as I deal with household chores.”
“Nope. You sound happy. That makes me happy.” He recalled those hours in stone where he listened to music in his head to keep his mind energized—and keep him from going mad. He hummed again. “How can you not be with an uplifting tune like that?”
She laughed. “My mom used to say I’d repeat the sound of anything I heard when I was a kid. Things that she wouldn’t take note of until she heard me humming along with it. Even appliances! Luckily, I don’t do that as much now.”
He dried his hands and walked with her into the living room. “You’re a musical person, enjoying the sounds of the world around you.”
“Maybe so.” She laughed. “Or, a madwoman who repeats the sound of a microwave.”
He took her in his arms and spun her to face him. “I’m the one who’s mad. Crazy about you.”
Her eyes sparkled. What he saw in them made him freeze. He’d never witnessed anything so honest and pure in a woman before. It hinted that what was between them was real, not some fling as fleeting as a breeze fluttering his wings.
He swallowed the quick flush of fear that surprised him, and instead inhaled her calming scent. Lowering his head, he captured her mouth in a kiss. Their bodies met as natural as if they’d been together for years. He lifted her and carried her toward her bedroom.
She pulled her mouth away. “We have to be careful, Mattias.”
“Careful of what?”
“This.” She motioned between them.
Shit. Did she have to remind him that despite what he felt, this couldn’t last?
“Do I have you right now?”
“Yes,” she replied.
He carried her to the bedroom. “Then don’t worry about tomorrow. Just be with me now.”
Chapter 13
Sunset turned into the highlight of Mattias’s days. It was when he flew over to Rachel’s. He’d spent the last few nights there and left in the morning since she spent the day working on her projects. What exactly she did, he still wasn’t sure. Although he’d recognized her need for privacy, her secrecy grated at him.
He flew to a nature sanctuary a few blocks from her house that he’d discovered was an optimal place to shift due to the foliage. When he did so, he startled a squirrel, which darted for refuge deeper in the woods. He slipped out of the woods and walked over to a local market, where he picked up red, green, and yellow peppers and white wine to go with their meal.
Twenty minutes later, he heated the grill in her backyard. The scent of heated charcoal rose.
Rachel chopped the vegetables inside. He glanced at her through the kitchen window and smiled. A perfect evening.
She carried the peppers out on skewers. “Does the grill still function?”
“Seems to be working fine.”
“Oh good. I thought our plan to dine al fresco might backfire due to my lack of grill practice.”
“If so, we could have cooked inside and brought it out here.” He put the tray of peppers next to the one of marinated chicken on skewers.
“I’ll be right back.”
Minutes later, she returned with two glasses of chilled wine and smiled. “For the sexy chef.”
After he took his glass, she sat at the glass patio table. “Grilling out here is much better. I have a terrific view.”
He glanced over his shoulder. “Are you staring at my ass?”
She grinned. “For a moment. I needed some visual stimulation before I head back to get the plates.”
He shook his rear to give her more of a show.
She swatted it as she strolled by. “Nice.”
He laughed and then returned to tend the grill as she stepped inside. Although he loved spending time here with her, a growing awareness of her barriers gnawed at him. He didn’t mean anything to her besides sex. That’s why she wouldn’t let him into her world.
He attempted to brush it aside while they ate in the garden. Surrounded by flowers and herbs on a sultry summer night, he should just enjoy this moment for what it was—an enjoyable evening with a beautiful woman. But, a question gnawed at him more and more. Was this enough?
Unable to contain his curiosity, he questioned, “What did you work on today?”
She gave a careless wave. “Oh, the usual. Mostly research.”
“Of what exactly?”
“It’s too boring to describe to someone who’s not into chemistry.”
Evasive again. “It’s something that fascinates you. And, since I’m fascinated by you, I want to hear about it.”
She smiled and then glanced at her wine glass. She rubbed the stem. “One day perhaps.”
He furrowed his brows. “Why not now?”
She gazed out to the garden. “I don’t like to talk about my work while I’m stuck on the process. I need to mull it over and figure things out.” Bringing her eyes back to meet his, she added, “It’s just the way I work. Many people lose their steam on a project by talking about it, rather than working on it.”
Was that true? His limited ability to pursue a project that would fascinate him, let alone talk to anyone about it put him at a disadvantage. He speared a piece of chicken and mulled it over while he chewed.
After he swallowed, he put down his fork. “You have a passion. That’s something I envy.”
“Don’t you?” she asked.
“No. Not yet, at least.”
She peered at him through sympathetic eyes. “Perhaps you haven’t found it yet, but I’m willing to bet it will come to you.” She pierced a piece of red pepper and bit off a tiny piece.
“Why do you think that?”
She put down her fork. “Because in the short time I’ve known you, I’ve learned some things. Your curiosity about the world wherever we go. Your appreciation for music—it’s more than just a casual interest. I’m sure your curiosity with what you encounter will lead to your calling.”
Her belief in him stirred something in his chest. “I hope so.” To have meaning in his life, to have something to pursue… His heartbeat quickened.
“Maybe you should try different instruments and see if one calls to you?”
He glanced in the window where her piano stood. “Perhaps someday. But, not now.” He rolled his shoulders back.
“No time like the present,” she said with an encouraging smile.
Not when he didn’t know where he was headed. His pulse drummed quicker. He didn’t want to get into that, but he should tell her that, right? That he was planning on leaving town. He questioned what she didn’t tell him, yet he kept plenty to himself as well.
Then again, she might have been steering the conversation away from her, which she often did. “What you’re working on, it consumes you, right?”
Her expression turned down with seriousness. “If I have a breakthrough, it would change my life.”
“That sounds big. Epic.”
“It would be for me.” She took a sip of wine. “Tell you what—if I succeed with my project, you’ll be the first to know.” Reaching across the table, she squeezed his hand.
Mattias’s gaze drifted to view their hands touching and then rose to her face. He stared at this woman who captivated him, trying to understand the contradictions. She insisted their relationship remain casual, yet now she’d offered to share news of the biggest possible breakthrough in her life with him. Did that change anything? Was he breaking down her walls that kept him from getting too close?
When he leaned back in his chair, it broke their contact. He took a deep breath, inhaling the surrounding scents of her garden, while trying to stifle the pull to her. It warred with his hunger to explore the world and discover what awaited him out there.
Also, she didn’t know his secret. Would she still invite some
one into her bed once knowing he wasn’t human?
He’d been frustrated with her secrecy, yet he hadn’t confided in her.
“I would love to be the first,” he replied. “It depends when it happens. I may not be around long enough to hear it.”
She tilted her head. “Why not?”
“I’m leaving town.”
“Oh. When?” She pursed her lips.
Did he detect disappointment in that soft utterance? If so, why did that please him? She didn’t want a relationship. What did it matter?
“The second time we met at Vamps,” he admitted.
She furrowed her brows. “I don’t understand.”
“That was what I’d planned. Then I met you and… I didn’t leave.”
“Because?” she prodded.
He picked up the fork and rolled it between his fingers, yet with zero impetus to eat. He needed something to distract him. Keeping his eyes fixed on the prongs, he admitted, “Because of you.”
“You didn’t even know me.” A curious awe lingered in her tone.
“I had the chance to get to know you, and I couldn’t miss that.”
When he raised his gaze, their eyes met. Something heavy passed between them. Like they were both at the edge of a cliff together over the ocean, hearts pounding as they questioned whether they should leap.
“And now?”
“I want to be truthful with you.”
“Meaning you’re leaving?”
“Yes.” Was that what he was trying to say? “No.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
She picked at a piece of lint on her dress. “Where are you going?”
“Not sure yet,” he replied. “My only plan is to head west.”
“That’s quite vague.”
True.
“What are you going for?”
How could he reply without sounding like a dark, brooding, lost soul? “I thought it was time to move on from here,” he simply stated.
“On your own?”
“Yes.” He swallowed. Alone. He’d be alone for the first time in his life. How that would work out was yet another mystery. His brothers had moved on to the next phases in their life with their mates. They didn’t need their brother hanging onto them.
“You stayed for me?” she said.
Perhaps he shouldn’t have admitted that to her. She’d tell him that it was stupid because this was just a casual fling.
“Technically, I didn’t stay for you. I just delayed my departure.” Shit. In his attempt to lessen the intensity of his feelings, he sounded like a jerk.
“Oh, okay.” She straightened and nodded. “That’s a good thing. Because—well, we can’t ever get serious.”
Her words hit him with more force than the first time she’d said them.
“I know. You made that clear.” His voice sounded harsh. Perhaps it should be. He had to get his head in check and not let himself get wrapped up with a woman who’d made her wants clear. This was a sexual encounter. Nothing more.
Then, why did it feel like so much more? He stood and took a few steps toward the white fence. Her scent was too much of a draw. If he let it wrap around him, he might never leave.
“I should go.” He returned to the table, picked up his plate and wine glass, and carried them into the kitchen.
She followed him in. “Why?”
“Because.” He placed the objects next to the sink and the utensils clanged against the porcelain. “Because.”
“Because why?” she prodded, her voice edged with confusion.
He balled his hand into a fist. “Because I want to give us a chance.”
“Mattias.” She stared at her hands and released a heavy sigh. “I’ve made it clear from the beginning that this can’t go anywhere. I’m too messed up to be with anyone.”
Messed up? That more accurately described him, since being freed from the curse, stumbling lost in the world and searching for meaning.
“Are you kidding me? How? You are one of the most successful people I know. You’re an assistant professor, for hell’s sake. Ivy-league educated. You’ve established roots.” He motioned around.
She bit her lip and shook her head. “It may look that way, but some things can’t be seen.”
Like what? “Don’t you deserve a chance to work past whatever it is that’s haunting you and experience happiness? Because I know I’ve been happy with you. Happier than I’ve been in well, for a long time.”
“I wish it were that easy.” She threw up her hands and slapped them at the side of her thighs.
“You don’t have to tell me anything. Everyone has secrets, including me. I just want to be with you. Is that so wrong?”
“No.”
“And you seem like you want to be with me, too. Am I misreading the signs? Because I sense us growing closer, but then something makes you push back.”
He pinned his gaze on her. Her eyes widened. She stepped back, covering her heart. “I want that, Mattias. God knows I do—but we can’t.”
“Why not?”
“You don’t know everything about me. And, if you did, I’m sure you would not have the same sentiment as you do now.”
“We all have secrets that we think makes us unlovable. Can we take a chance and trust each other?”
She shook her head, stepping back, fear stark in her eyes. “It’s impossible. Something happened. It changed me. You could never accept it. I can’t even accept it. I’m not fit to be with anyone.”
How could she think that way about herself? She was magnificent. His heart ached. It felt as if she’d torn it from his chest and impaled it on the fence outdoors.
“Why don’t you let me decide?”
“I can’t. Trust me, Mattias. It’s better for you that you stay away. It’s safer for you as well.”
Safer? Where was she going with that? “I’m not easily scared off. What is it about you that you think is dangerous?”
“Mattias, please.” She retreated into the living room. “I shouldn’t have let things go this far. I’m sorry I led you on.”
His gut hollowed. “What are you doing, Rachel?”
“We shouldn’t do this any longer. I’m sorry you stayed for me.”
Fuck. She was ending it. “Don’t do this.”
“It’s for the best—for you.”
His gaze wandered to the piano in the other room. How had their relationship morphed so quickly from that world-spinning high to this? His muscles ached with tension. His soul dragged with the weight of her rejection.
He gritted his teeth, trying to stop the descent before he plunged deeper, falling into an abyss. “Why are you making these decisions for me? Shouldn’t I have the opportunity to hear the issue and weigh in?”
She paced and ran her hands over her temples. “You don’t understand.”
He raised both hands, palms facing her. “I’m trying.” His tone rose with exasperation. “Can’t you see that? Is it because of your ex? You’re afraid to get involved with someone again.”
“No,” she replied with a quick shake of her head and confused expression. “That was a mistake. We both understood that and ended it before it turned too ugly.”
“Then, why?”
She dropped her hands. “Oh God, Mattias, I’m cursed! You have no idea what this means.”
Cursed? Her careless toss of that term that had defined his life impaled him with its cruel callousness. How could she use that specific word while ending things with him? It pierced him with vicious cruelty, mocking his pain.
“You have no idea what it means to be cursed,” he seethed through gritted teeth.
She recoiled, staring at him through perplexed eyes.
His muscles hardened, vision clouded with red. He struggled for coherent thoughts in the spiraling anger. “You don’t want to be with me, I get it.” He squared his jaw, feeling the tightness pulling all the way down through his neck. “I was a fool to push for more.”
“Mattias…” She raised her
hand toward him.
“What?” he spat. “Are you going to tell me again how wrong we are for each other? How it could never be? I have a thick skull, but it’s finally sinking in.”
She lowered her hand. “No.” Her voice came out smaller.
He stared outside. Her quiet neighborhood with such quaint houses lining the opposite side of the street stared like an accusing jury, declaring how he’d failed and didn’t belong. It was true. How would a lost gargoyle shifter fit into this perfectly manicured human world? He couldn’t. All he was to her was a short-term fling, ready to be cast aside when she’d had enough.
“How stupid I was not to leave when I’d planned,” he snapped. “What good has it done for either of us, other than a handful of orgasms?”
It meant far more than that to him, but he minimized it, just as she’d minimized their relationship to a series of physical encounters.
Her mouth formed a wide O. “Don’t be crass about it.”
He took a large stride closer to her. “You didn’t seem to mind when we were in your bed.”
“Don’t,” she warned.
“Why?” With another step, he closed the space between them. “Why do you get to make all the rules and all the decisions when it comes to this?” He motioned between them. “We fuck when you want to fuck. You play with me while you want to play with me. We’re done when you say were done.”
“Stop it!” she begged and raised her hand. “You don’t understand.”
He took her wrist. “I might not be some Ivy League-educated professor like you, but I’m finally catching on to your games.”
“What games?” she cried.
“You don’t like me calling you out because it unravels your carefully constructed world. What is it, you wanted to fuck the stranger in the club because it’s hot, but you keep him at a distance because you’re a respectable professor? A former bouncer who lives in some crap furnished studio he rents by the month isn’t suitable for your academic world.”
“You know that’s not true. And if you don’t see it, you don’t know anything, anything at all!”
Her eyes burned and then widened as if she was surprised at her outburst. Her breath came out in quick pants as her chest rose and fell. The minimal space between them fired with intense energy, almost fusing their bodies together.
TORCH: Underground Encounters 9 Page 10
