She was so close—close enough to touch, to kiss, to feel. Even in his pain, he wanted her, which aggravated the torment all the more.
“That’s right,” he growled. “That’s all it ever was. All I ever was to you was a fuck.”
“Goddamn you.” With her free hand, she pushed his chest. “Goddamn you!”
She didn’t remove her hand. Instead, she clutched at his shirt, bringing her body to his.
One heartbeat followed another, amplified in the heightened atmosphere. Her chest heaved with each deep breath. His gaze skimmed down, settling on her lips.
They moved at once, coming together with a hard kiss. He ran his hands over her body and under her dress. She grasped for him, yanking at his shirt. He ached for her, the intensity all the greater as he knew he couldn’t have her. Not fully at least. His cock throbbed as he yearned to bury inside her once more.
They tore at each other’s clothes, pausing only long enough to remove them. He lifted her and she wrapped her legs around his waist. As he carried her into the bedroom, they stumbled into a wall and knocked over a pile of journals.
There was nothing gentle this time as he took her to bed. He claimed her mouth again and touched all he could of her flesh.
“Is this what you want?” he asked in between rough kisses. “One more fuck before I go?”
“Oh God.” She dragged her hands down his back and pulled him closer. “Yes,” she cried. “Love me one more time, Mattias,” she begged. “Please.”
Chapter 14
When they fell onto her bed, Rachel pulled Mattias over her while her heart cleaved in two. She’d never seen him so twisted by pain—pain she’d caused. His eyes had burned with turbulence, searing her in its furious gaze.
She’d hurt him by ending it, an act that pierced her just as badly. She might as well have poured toxic chemicals in the lab and forced them both to ingest it.
He didn’t know why she had to do it, didn’t understand. And she could never tell him.
As he covered her body with kisses, she savored every touch. She squeezed back tears. This was the last time they’d be here together. Nobody made her feel the way he did, but it didn’t change anything. It couldn’t.
Perhaps she could express how she felt one last time.
“Let me.” She slid out from beneath him and motioned for him to lie back.
After she straddled him, he gazed up at her. Pained emotions still churned in his hard expression, yet a flicker of vulnerability sparked in his eyes. She read what it meant as surely as if it had been printed in a book—she was his weakness.
She’d been cruel for putting him through this gauntlet playing with their emotions. Another reason she was a monster.
He was right. It was a wicked game to have started with him. She should have known from the start that it could never be just sex, not with that powerful attraction between them. And, yet, she couldn’t risk anything more between them.
She shoved those thoughts aside to focus on all they had left—these few final moments. The heartbreak and regret would follow, but why not relish what they had while they could? She breathed in his scent, the last time she’d ever be close enough to him that his masculine aroma could rouse her the way it always did.
“What do you want?” he asked, his eyes imploring her.
His voice lowered to a whiskey-smooth timbre that made her tremble.
“What I can’t have.” Her hair tumbled over him as she covered his neck and chest with feverish kisses.
She traced her hands over his body. How she’d miss the touch of him. The way he looked at her. The way he made her feel, not just as if her body was on fire, so responsive to his touch, but that comforting reassurance every time he was near, a silent promise that everything would be all right.
“Use me, then,” he said. “Take what you want from me.”
His hands roved over her, stoking the smoldering coals that had been waiting to reignite at his touch. When he reached between her legs, he growled. That feral sound incited a response just as wild and needy within. She reached for a condom and slid it over his cock. Slowly, she glided the head into her entrance.
He moaned as she edged down, slowly accommodating his thick member. Once she adjusted, she moved up and down him in slow circular movements, relishing the fullness of him from all angles. He gripped her hips and matched her rhythm, pumping into her from below.
“Fuck, Rachel. What you do to me…”
She knew. She felt the same. But, why say things that would only make it more difficult to walk away? What she felt between them was more than desire. Could it be love?
No, no, no! She screamed it in her head. Why torment herself?
She drowned out her thoughts by riding harder, gliding down on him at a quicker pace, forcing her emotions away.
He slammed into her with greater thrusts, making her cry out. Finally, he pushed her into a place where her thoughts were lost. She could only feel, sense, chase. Pursuing that frantic need, she climbed higher, until he brought her to that dangerous peak. She couldn’t take it, hovering there with such powerful need; it would destroy her.
On the next thrust, he slammed into her, shattering her hold. She exploded with a fiery climax, a thousand stars that exploded like a supernova and then collapsed like a dying star onto the man she loved.
Loved, but could never have.
* * *
Mattias held on to a shred of self-control as Rachel shattered on him. She pulsed with her hot wet heat, threatening to shoot him to the pinnacle with her. He forced himself to slow his pace, as he was precariously on the edge, but once he did, it was over.
They’d be done.
She was so fuckin’ beautiful like this. He’d never forget the trust in her expression when she gave herself to him, just as he’d never forget the desire on her face as he brought her to climax.
She’d found a way into his life in such a short time that he couldn’t imagine going forward without her in it.
Yet, she’d made a choice.
Why the hell was he tormenting himself by fucking her again when she’d told him it was over? The only explanation was that she was his siren, rendering him unable to resist her. It was like he was a damn masochist, coming back for more. Still, he couldn’t resist tasting her lips one more time, even if it would undo him.
If all she wanted was a fuck, he’d give it to her as hard as she could take.
“On your knees,” he commanded. “Let me get behind you.” His voice was hard yet strangled as he attempted to control his torment.
She complied and climbed off him, pulling herself to hands and knees. Her ass was high, slick pink folds visible through her parted legs. An open invitation to take her.
He rubbed her ass and then stroked her wet needy flesh again before sliding his cock in. The tightness at this angle felt so damn good that he growled, not bothering to stifle the animalistic sound that could frighten her.
Grasping her hips, he pumped in and out. She ground against him, soft gasps escaping her lips. As he quickened the pace, her sounds escalated to rasping cries.
He grabbed her hair and tugged it, lifting her upper body. “Do you like it like this?” he growled into her ear.
Her response was low moan.
“I asked if you like this.” He gave her hair another pull.
“Yes!” she cried. “Yes, Mattias.”
Then why the fuck are you ending it? He didn’t dare ask it again and risk sounding pathetic. He got it. Finally. Instead, he grabbed her breasts and fucked her harder.
When she fell forward onto her hands, he reached between her legs. He stroked her clit as he drove into her. More desperate sounds escaped her as he pumped harder, their bodies slamming against each other in a relentless pursuit.
She bucked hard against him, and he sensed she was getting close. He increased the pressure, and she screamed out as she climaxed. Her hot honey coated him, her scent drove him to the edge of madness.
&nb
sp; This was it, he couldn’t hold on any longer. The heat pumping through his veins intensified like the crescendo of a song. He grasped her hips as he slammed into her, exploding with a feral growl.
He dropped his head forward, his damp forehead against the top of her slick back. They both panted for air.
“Are you all right?”
“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I was rough.”
She peered over her shoulder with a tentative smile. “I liked it.”
“Good.” He swallowed. “I’d never want to hurt you.”
“I know.”
He inhaled her scent one last time. It could stir or soothe him, just as her soft voice could calm whatever tumult in his head. And how her touch made everything a bit better. Everything about her was already carved onto his fuckin’ soul as deep and permanent as if a sculptor had chiseled his stone.
But, they were done.
With reluctance, he slid out of her body. He entered the bathroom to clean up. When he stared at himself in the mirror, his expression was marred with anguish. He had to pull himself together.
He found their clothes discarded from the living room and into the bedroom. When he returned to the bedroom, she’d pulled up the sheet over her breasts. She watched him through questioning eyes, saying nothing. He dropped the clothes on her bed and then untangled his from hers.
“I’m going to leave now.” He pulled on his pants.
“Oh.”
He recognized that sound by now. She used it when she was disappointed, yet trying to hide it.
Stay hard, stay hard. Don’t let her hurt you anymore.
“Listen,” he began. “If you’re ever in trouble, if you ever need anything, go to Vamps. Find my brothers. They’ll reach me somehow.”
Why was he saying that? He should sever the ties and walk away for good. It would make it easier.
“Where will you be?” she asked.
He took a deep breath and exhaled. “Where I should have gone a couple of weeks ago.”
Her eyes turned shiny as if holding back tears. “And where’s that?”
“I don’t know, but there’s nothing left for me here.”
Shit. He sounded like an asshole. Surely, she’d figured out he meant he shouldn’t have delayed his departure to meet her at Vamps. But, what the hell did she want from him? She was the one who was messing with his head with her closeness and retreat. He didn’t get women. He never would.
He forced himself not to look at her. If he did, the sadness in her eyes would undermine his resolve, and he’d run back to her.
With long strides, he reached her front door. His heart quickened as he listened for her to call him back.
Nothing.
He held his breath as he turned the knob.
After pulling the door open, he stepped outside.
Still nothing.
She was finished with him. It was time to walk away.
He closed the door behind him. His head dropped forward.
“Fuck.” He took a deep breath and growled.
Forcing himself to take one step after another, he ignored the sense that his soul was splitting as he walked away from her for good.
Chapter 15
Fuck it. Mattias had delayed his departure long enough. Back in his studio, he tossed his few belongings into a box. As he climbed the stairs two at a time to Lucan’s apartment, he berated himself. He should have stuck to his plan from the beginning, rather than pinning false hopes on a woman who only wanted a hookup.
Nobody was home. He let himself in using the key code. He shoved the box in the back of a closet. All his belongings fit in one small container---the only trace that he’d ever been here. Sad. He had zero impact on the world, benefiting no one.
He glanced at his phone. The only reason he used it was to communicate for work or for Rachel. He didn’t need it for either now. He smashed the phone against the kitchen counter and tossed it into Lucan’s trash.
What an idiot he’d been to try to push for something. What for? He was a gargoyle shifter and she was human. Sure, Danton had found happiness with a human, but he’d been lucky. Perhaps it took a special kind of woman.
Or, maybe some shifters weren’t meant to find a mate.
Leaving now, he communicated with his brothers. No fanfare. No drawn-out goodbyes at Vamps. Tell Tristan I can’t pick up any more shifts.
Will do. I wish you well, brother, Danton said.
What about Rachel? Lucan asked.
That’s over.
That was how he should have handled it from the beginning. Just left. Then, he wouldn’t have been distracted by a skittish woman at Vamps who’d upended his world and his plans.
He could have avoided the ache in his chest. His heart hammered like a drumbeat, a refrain that whispered, “She’s gone.”
Listen, I heard from the alpha of the wolf shifters up north. They tracked a scent south from where the woman who was killed along the coast. Canine. They lost track of it about ten miles north of here.
A wolf shifter? Mattias asked.
Could be. Not one of them, Danton added. And no sign since that night.
Hmm. Maybe it was a rogue shifter on its own living in the wilderness. He grunted. No different than Mattias. Yes, there was a difference—he hadn’t hurt anyone.
His heart panged for Rachel. A murder in another state and a scent tracked ten miles north was hardly an indication that she was in danger, but still—he yearned to keep her safe.
Keep an eye on her for me. Let me know if she’s in trouble.
Of course, both Danton and Lucan agreed.
Right. Mattias wouldn’t sound overprotective to them. They’d understand.
He cloaked himself before he shifted into winged form and then soared into the night sky. The breeze cooled him during the flight, but didn’t relieve the scalding rebuke that churned inside him—as palpable as a burn that created more damage the deeper it burrowed.
Flying west over Massachusetts, he descended in the Pioneer Valley. Over the next few days, he attempted to lose himself in the bustle of activity in Northampton. At the tail of summer, people stayed out of doors, gathering all the sun they craved before the brisk winds of fall set in. It had an eclectic vibe with quirky shops and a live music scene that appealed to him. Yet, he didn’t enter the venues. Not yet. Not when he’d so recently visited them with Rachel.
At night, he soared between the stars and earth. He flew over the rolling hills and forests or followed the path of the Connecticut River carving through the land like a sinuous snake in search of prey. Despite the increasing distance from Rachel, he couldn’t pry her from his head.
It didn’t matter if he was resting in stone or flying farther away from her, she crept into his mind. Their last time together replayed in his mind like a movie reel, a visual reminder of his regret. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to get so angry, but the hurt and the growing despair had threatened his hold on his emotions. Maybe if he’d kept his composure, they wouldn’t have spent their last time together with raw, emotional, heated, breakup sex.
Despite seeking distraction in the vibrant cities, he sensed her sadness, even from afar. Her loneliness that echoed his own.
He sat on a bench on the sidewalk facing a record store and dropped his head into his hands. Fuck, what the hell was she hiding? What was this big secret that kept them apart?
Shaking his head, he rose and entered the store and stepped before a display of albums. What did it matter when he didn’t have a record player? Still, the repetition of flipping through records provided a strange comfort.
Until he heard the music pumping through the speakers of the store. The haunting lyrics wrapped around him, a woman crooning about love lost.
Despite what she said, all her warnings about how they couldn’t be together, he knew she cared for him. He saw how her eyes lit up when she saw him and felt the longing in her caress. What could be so monumental to keep them apart?
&n
bsp; Where was Rachel? What was she doing? Was she safe? That last question tormented him. The drive to protect her had grown over the short time they’d spent together. Being unable to know if she was safe sliced at him, a mental flogging with pain as acute as a physical lashing.
He left the store and continued walking, an endless parade seeking a moment of oblivion. Passing a window display advertising romantic gifts for loved ones, he groaned and shoved his hands into his pockets.
He was a gargoyle shifter. Protecting others was part of his nature. When one in particular got under a gargoyle’s skin, that bond was strong, almost impossible to sever. Those who were lucky to have their feelings returned could take the gargoyle oath and pledge themselves to each other, like his brothers had done with their mates.
Was that the problem? Was Rachel the one?
It was a good guess, especially, since he could sense her pain. The connection between them was there, despite the physical distance separating them. He never thought he’d find a mate, and he hadn’t wanted to since he’d craved his freedom for so long.
He glanced at the apartments above the shops that lined this main road, likely filled with couples, families, lovers…
He wasn’t one of the lucky gargoyles. She didn’t want him in his life. Finding a mate and not being able to be with her echoed as a greater loss than not having found one at all.
A longing spread through him, leaving him feeling depleted. The only way he could watch over her was from afar, which was something else she didn’t want. She’d reprimanded him the first time he’d followed to protect her, calling it stalker-like. How would she react if she’d discovered he’d continued to do so after she’d broken things off?
Not well.
A better option was to keep increasing the distance. Even if going against his instincts and his feelings for her drove him mad with the self-inflicted torture.
With enough strain on their bond, maybe it would break.
TORCH: Underground Encounters 9 Page 11
