The a to Z of Girlfriends

by Natasha West

  Izzy had harboured nebulous hopes that she and Sophie could still salvage a friendship. But that dream was now dead. They would clearly not be friends after this.

  ‘I’m gonna go now, let you calm down a bit’ Izzy said, walking over to the door.

  ‘Go on then!’ Sophie said and turned to her bed, throwing herself down on her front, crying loudly.

  Izzy gave a thought to going to her, comforting her. But she knew that would be going backwards. She needed to break this off clean. She walked out to the sound of angry, baleful tears.

  Fifteen

  Izzy was getting ready. She was going on a date tonight, with Mia. They hadn’t called it that exactly. But Mia had asked if she wanted to go and see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. She was apparently a big fan of the books and she’d said no one else wanted to go to the film with her and would Izzy? Izzy knew that was just a lie to get her alone. So it was happening, her and Mia. Izzy was abuzz with excitement.

  Izzy wondered if she should try and kiss Mia tonight and if so, when? In the film? Afterwards, on the walk home? Or should she ask her to come back to her room, maybe put on some soft music, light candles, all the stuff she’d tried to make work with Ben that time? She had no doubt Mia would appreciate her efforts much more…

  Knock knock.

  Izzy jumped. Mia was early. She took a last look in the mirror at herself, smoothing her dark blonde hair, checking for make-up smudges. That’ll have to do.

  She opened the door. But it wasn’t Mia. It was Sophie, holding a carrier bag. ‘Sophie!’ Izzy exclaimed. ‘Hi.’ They hadn’t seen each other in three days, not since the big scene in Sophie’s room.

  ‘I came to return your stuff’ Sophie said, pushing her way in.

  Izzy felt panic. Mia was due in five minutes. It would do no good to have Sophie overlap with her. No good at all.

  ‘What stuff?’ Izzy asked.

  Sophie opened the bag, looking inside. ‘A t shirt and a book.’

  ‘Oh, alright. Thank you for bringing them’ Izzy said politely but quickly. She wanted to be nice, she really did. But she needed to get Sophie the hell out. ‘Well, I’m just on my way out, so I’ll-’

  ‘You look nice’ Sophie said, not in any rush. ‘Where you going?’

  ‘Cinema.’

  ‘Who with?’

  ‘A friend.’

  ‘Which friend?’ Sophie pressed.

  ‘I don’t think you’d know her’ Izzy dodged. She wasn’t going to give Sophie a name. Not a chance.

  Izzy walked over to the door. ‘It’s been great to see you. Maybe we could catch up another time?’ she hinted and opened the door. Sophie didn’t move. But she looked at the doorway and there was a shift in her eyes. Someone was there.

  Izzy turned to the open doorway to see Mia stood there, fist raised to knock. ‘Blimey, are you psychic?’ Mia asked, laughing.

  ‘Hi!’ Izzy nearly screamed. She turned back to Sophie. ‘So, thanks for that. I guess I’ll see you-’

  ‘Is this her?’ Sophie asked.

  Izzy’s heart sank. ‘This is Mia. We’re just going to a film right now. We’d better be going actually’ Izzy said shrilly, gesturing again at the door.

  But Sophie’s attention was all for Mia. ‘Are you two doing it already?’

  Mia’s mouth fell open and her eyes went wide. Izzy laughed hysterically. ‘Ha, ha, don’t mind Sophie, she’s just being silly.’

  ‘No, I’m not. You see, we were sleeping together until very recently and then she dumped me and it was obvious she’d met someone else. Is it you?’ Sophie said plainly.

  Mia looked from Sophie to Izzy, dumbfounded. Izzy looked from Mia to Sophie, horrified and frozen. Sophie crossed her arms, petulantly. Izzy didn’t think this could get any worse but then Sophie said, ‘She was really nice to me when she wanted to have sex. And then she runs off. You should know that about her.’

  ‘OK, Sophie, can you just go now?’ Izzy asked curtly, giving up on getting Sophie out smoothly.

  Sophie let out a little huff. She dropped the carrier bag on the floor and flounced past Mia, who was still standing in the doorway.

  Izzy’s humiliation was unending. But perhaps Mia might see the funny side? Maybe they’d laugh about this one day. ‘I’m so sorry about her. She’s a bit… She’s not always like that but I-’

  Mia put a hand up, silencing Izzy. ‘Umm… You know I’m not into girls, don’t you?’

  Izzy stopped mid-sentence, knocked sideways. ‘What?

  ‘I mean, it’s alright if you are. But I was only thinking we’d be friends’ Mia went on.

  ‘I mean, I didn’t… That’s fine. I only thought we’d be friends too’ she lied through her teeth, recovering from the shock now. She’d gotten it wrong with Mia. Wrong as ever. ‘So shall we go to the film?’

  Mia nodded, the uncomfortable topic out of the way. ‘Yeah, cool.’

  They walked out, and Izzy locked her door behind her. As the lock slid home, she wished she could turn it the other way, run back in and throw herself under her covers to wait for this mortification to pass. But instead, she was going on a non-date with a girl who definitely didn’t fancy her in the slightest. This fucking movie was going to last forever.

  Sixteen

  Izzy was laying on her old bed, scribbling idly in her diary. She was writing the words Izzy Mortimer is a tit over and over again.

  She hadn’t been due to come back this weekend, but after the week she’d had, she’d found herself in deep need of the family home. Only now she was listening to her parents arguing about money, something about a promotion her Dad missed out on, which had come with a pay hike they’d needed. Izzy wished she hadn’t come.

  Simon poked his head in the door. He looked taller than when she last saw him only a couple of months ago. He had three new hairs on his chin. ‘Hi’ he said meekly. ‘Can I come in?’

  Izzy nodded and sat up, putting the diary away in her bedside table. ‘Yeah, sure.’ Simon came in and sat down at Izzy’s desk.

  ‘Those two going at it?’ Izzy said, trying to sound playful, like it was all a joke.

  He nodded, not finding it funny.

  ‘How long have they been arguing about this promotion thing?’ Izzy asked as more shouting drifted up.

  Simon shrugged. ‘Dunno. Maybe a week.’

  ‘It’s just how they are’ Izzy said.

  ‘I guess. It’s been a bit worse though, lately’ Simon admitted. He looked so forlorn.

  Izzy sighed through her nose. ‘It’s not your fault.’

  Simon looked at her as though she’d lost her marbles. ‘I never thought it was.’

  ‘Oh, right, sorry. I thought you might think it was, so I was just trying to nip it in the bud’ Izzy apologised. She didn’t know what to say to him. She felt guilty. She could walk out right this second, go back to her halls and be out of this. But Simon was stuck here for another two years.

  ‘Do you know what’s for dinner?’ Izzy asked, trying to change the subject.

  ‘Pie.’

  ‘What kind?’

  ‘That horrible thing Mum makes with liver and mushrooms’ he grimaced.

  It was official. There wasn’t a single benefit to coming home this weekend.

  ***

  ‘How’s the pie?’ Izzy’s mum Joanne asked with a hopeful smile.

  ‘Nice’ Izzy lied and took an extra big piece into her mouth for her mother to see.

  Joanne looked pleased. ‘It’s nice to feed my babies.’

  Simon scowled. ‘Mum, unless you’re secretly up the duff, there’s no babies here.’

  Joanne tutted. Scott jumped in, doing his paternal duty. ‘Don’t talk to your mother like that.’

  Izzy’s hand tightened on her fork. The bloody nerve of him to say that after her and Simon had sat listening to him screaming at her for the better part of an hour. But Izzy said nothing.

  ‘Right, let’s hear about university then?’ Joanne said, smoothing over the small bump
in the dinner.

  ‘It’s good’ Izzy said. It wasn’t technically a lie. The education part of higher education was going well. It was only her social life that had been set on fire. Apparently, Mia had been opening her mouth because everyone knew about Sophie’s tantrum and why she’d had it. Gabby had told her so, adding, ‘You could have said you like vagina. I wouldn’t have cared! And it means we’ll never go after the same person. Bonus.’

  Despite Gabby trying to laugh it off, Izzy was mortified. It was why she’d crept home this weekend. She’d hoped to lick her wounds. But she couldn’t do that if her parents were ripping open fresh ones with their rowing. ‘I’m enjoying it.’

  ‘I hope you’re not getting drunk too much’ Scott added. Izzy wasn’t surprised. He was always looking for something to criticise.

  ‘No, dad’ Izzy said quietly. And she wasn’t. Alcohol had gotten her into too much trouble. It couldn’t be trusted. She was sticking to soft stuff in the main.

  ‘How about the boyfriend front?’ Joanne swerved, trying to bring it back to light and adorable family dinner conversation.

  Izzy didn’t flinch. ‘I’m concentrating on my studies’ she said, the standard response. Simon sniggered beside her. Izzy couldn’t think what was so funny.

  ‘Well, I’m really glad you’re taking it seriously’ Scott said. ‘Because I don’t know what you’ve got planned after graduation but you’re gonna have to hit the ground running, I’ll tell you that much.’

  Izzy bit down on her lip as he proceeded to tell her what a waste of time her degree was. She nodded along, pretending to take it on board. All the while, she wanted to flip her plate of awful pie and tell him that he was in no position to tell anyone how to run their life when he was doing such a shit job of managing his own.

  ‘Izzy’s a smart girl. She’ll be alright’ Joanne said eventually, trying to break up Scott’s diatribe before it really revved into top gear. That was one thing Izzy had to give to her mother. Even if she didn’t agree with Izzy’s degree choice, she was doing a bang-up job of pretending. Or maybe she just wanted to stick it to her husband. It was hard to say.

  But Scott was having none of it. And he was apparently more than ready to get into round two of the earlier set-to. ‘I’m surprised to hear you say that after you complained about me not getting that promotion.’

  ‘I wasn’t complaining. I was just asking if you knew why you hadn’t gotten it’ Joanne said quickly.

  ‘Yeah, yeah’ Scott said as he stabbed a stem of broccoli. ‘Tell your daughter she can do no wrong but when I need a bit of-’

  ‘Izzy’s a lesbian’ Simon announced.

  Izzy dropped her fork. She turned, very, very slowly to her brother. ‘What?’

  Simon didn’t look back at his sister. He was looking at his parents, who were not saying anything. ‘Yeah, I read it in her diary. Something about a girl called Sophie who sounds a bit of a nutcase, but Izzy says she was really, what was it… Generous?’ he explained. ‘Oh and there was also someone called Mia who totally made Izzy think she was into her and then dropped the bomb that she didn’t like wom-’

  Simon’s sentence was broken by a slap, delivered by Izzy. It was the first time she’d ever laid a hand on her brother but if she was going to choose a moment to crack him one, this was it. Why had she brought her diary home for that sneaky swine to read? And after she’d tried to make him feel better. The little bastard.

  ‘Ow!’ he screamed. Izzy rubbed her hand, hot from the slap and turned from him to look back down at her plate. She was trying to think how the hell she was going to get out of this. All this time, she’d never said that word aloud. Lesbian. But she’d accepted on some level that she was going to have to say it. One day. But now Simon had said it for her. To their parents. And even though she understood his reasoning - it had stopped that row cold - she wanted to murder him a thousand times over, slowly and violently.

  ‘Izzy?’ Joanne said quietly. ‘Is this true?’

  Izzy looked up at her mother. ‘Hmm?’

  Joanne gave an easy-going chuckle. ‘Izzy, you know. This thing, that Simon’s saying? Is that right?’

  Izzy looked up at her mother. Joanne’s eyebrows were meeting in anxiety, betraying her light tone. Izzy looked to her father. His mouth hung wide open in utter shock. She couldn’t really tell from either of them how this news was being received. Were they angry? Disappointed? Or simply in shock? She wouldn’t have put money either way. But it didn’t matter. Her mother was waiting for a response. What was she supposed to do? Deny everything? What was the point? Simon had all the filthy details straight from the horse’s mouth. The truth was out. Whatever Izzy said now, no matter how hard she tried to stuff the facts back into their hole, they would never go back in completely. Like toothpaste.

  ‘Fine’ Izzy shrugged. ‘Yes. I am.’ And then she thought, OK, almost there. One last thing. Let’s do this properly. ‘I’m a lesbian.’

  Joanne and Scott looked at each other and seemed to have a silent conversation with one another. Izzy could read them more clearly now. Scott was confused. Joanne was also thrown, but she thought they should say something kind about the situation and she was trying to get her husband to be the one to say this kind thing. However, Scott needed to clear something up before he could work his way to nice and supportive. ‘But what about Ben? You went out with him for a long time.’

  ‘I know I did. I was there’ Izzy sighed.

  ‘I think perhaps he was what they call a beard’ her mother said philosophically.

  ‘A beard?’ Scott repeated, apparently unfamiliar with the term.

  ‘Like a Hollywood actor has. You know, they also call it a ‘Lavender Marriage.’

  ‘What are you on about?’ Scott asked, baffled.

  Joanne turned to Izzy. ‘Is that right? Was he your beard?’

  ‘No, I wasn’t pretending. I thought I liked him’ Izzy said, feeling her cheeks go pink. It was funny, they’d never discussed Ben when she’d been going out with him. They weren’t that sort of family. But now it was all up for grabs. Maybe after this was done, they could discuss in depth the time Izzy had peed herself in the middle of a nativity play when she was six. ‘I didn’t know until a bit later.’

  ‘What didn’t you know?’ Scott asked. His reaction was still tough to gauge.

  ‘That I don’t really… Like, I don’t hate men or anything. I just don’t really feel that attracted to them. Physically. Or any way’ Izzy said miserably.

  ‘If it helps clear it up, I read some other stuff?’ Simon said. ‘It said in her diary that she likes how girls feel, like all soft and everything, and she likes how they smell-’

  ‘Do you want another slap?’ Izzy hissed at him. She meant it.

  ‘Mum! Are you just gonna let her keep hitting me?’ Simon appealed to his mother.

  ‘Quite possibly’ Joanne snapped at him. ‘You had no right to do this to your sister.’

  Simon tutted, irritated. ‘I was trying to help.’

  ‘No, you weren’t’ Joanne replied.

  ‘No. You weren’t, you little bugger’ Scott added. ‘What did you think you were doing, reading your sister’s diary? Did I raise you to do things like that?’

  ‘I dunno. I was bored’ Simon said with an eyeroll.

  ‘You’re about to get a lot more bored. I’m taking your console away’ Scott told him.

  Simon kicked the table leg and said, ‘What? I didn’t do anything!’

  ‘Now, I know you don’t really believe that’ Joanne said.

  And back and forth they went, Simon and his parents, arguing the toss.

  Apparently they were just going to roll right over Izzy’s reveal. She thought maybe they’d never speak of it again. That was alright with Izzy. Because as she listened to her parents berating her brother, there was only one thing she could think. One solid, true, marvellous thing to come out of all this.

  I said it.

  Present Day

  Seventeen />
  ‘No, I didn’t!’ Simon cried, aghast.

  ‘Oh but you did’ Izzy told him.

  ‘How come I can’t remember it?’ Simon demanded.

  ‘Maybe you repressed it out of guilt?’ Izzy theorised.

  Simon leaned against a wall, creasing his suit. ‘God almighty, what a little shit I was! How are you still talking to me?’