The a to Z of Girlfriends

by Natasha West

  So Alicia had picked up on that after all. Great. ‘Yes, it was for that. But now it’s not.’

  ‘It didn’t work out?’ Alicia asked.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Did you say yes and change your mind or…’

  Izzy was confused for a second. ‘No, I was the one proposing.’

  Now Alicia was confused. ‘Oh. But that’s a lady’s ring, isn’t it?’

  Izzy was suddenly struck by the realisation that Alicia had not thought for a single second that Izzy wasn’t straight. She’d thought that Izzy was returning a ring given to her from a male of the species. ‘Yes, it was intended for a woman. I’m gay, Alicia.’

  Alicia blinked three times in rapid succession. ‘You are?’

  Of course Alicia didn’t think she was gay. Because what had happened between them was probably something Alicia thought all straight people tried at one time or another. Before resuming ‘Normal’ service. ‘Does that shock you?’

  But it was Alicia’s reaction that shocked Izzy. She began to laugh. ‘No, I guess. I’m just surprised that… Back in the day, you seemed very….’

  ‘What?’ Izzy pressed.

  ‘Hetero.’

  Izzy didn’t know what to say to that. But it was as good a lead in as any to the main event. ‘What did you find to be particularly hetero about me?’ Izzy said, thinking, Wait for it, wait for it…

  ‘I guess you seemed very into Ben’ Alicia said, putting an olive into her mouth.

  ‘Yes, I suppose that looked quite straight’ Izzy conceded. ‘But you know what might have tipped you off, though? That time we had sex with each other’ Izzy said calmly, thrilled at her own brazenness.

  Alicia’s eyes went wide. She didn’t say anything. Izzy was rather surprised at just how successful her comment had been at hitting Alicia where it hurt. But then Alicia started to go bright red and began to make a wheezing noise and Izzy realised she wasn’t shocked at her ribald home truth. She was choking on an olive. Before Izzy could jump up and attempt a Heimlich, Alicia spat it out onto the table, gasping.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Izzy asked.

  Alicia gave a thumbs up. ‘Sorry, don’t speak. Get your breath back’ Izzy told her. Alicia nodded.

  The waitress dashed over. ‘Is she alright? Should I call someone?’

  ‘Alicia, do you need a doctor?’ Izzy asked.

  ‘No, please, it’s fine. I’m fine’ Alicia said, her pink face calming down somewhat.

  ‘What was it you choked on?’ the waitress asked.

  ‘It was an olive’ Izzy answered for her.

  ‘Consider them comped’ the waitress said and walked off.

  ‘God, if I’d known all I had to do was almost die to get free olives…’ Alicia said dryly.

  Izzy was still worried, despite the sarcasm. ‘Are you sure you’re alright?’

  ‘I’m embarrassed but I’m alright. Thanks.’

  Izzy’s mouth quirked. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘I think that was my fault’ Izzy said guiltily.

  ‘Unquestionably’ Alicia said with a laugh. ‘You threw me for a loop there. I wasn’t even sure you remembered that.’

  Izzy frowned. ‘You thought I’d forget losing my virginity to you?’

  Alicia gave a rueful smile. ‘I guess you did, didn’t you? Well, if it makes a difference, I lost mine to you too’ she added casually, taking a sip of water.

  ‘Sorry, what? Izzy asked. She wasn’t going to sit here and listen to bare faced lies. ‘What on earth are you talking about?’ Izzy asked. ‘You lost your virginity to Gary Miller. In a Burger King, if memory serves. In the carpark. And then there was Michael Paternick. And Ryan Goddard’ Izzy said, surprised at how quickly these names and facts sprung to mind.

  ‘My god, Izzy. You never believed all that, did you?’ Alicia asked, looking pink, but not from her dance with death with a black olive. ‘Gary Miller told everyone we did it, but we didn’t. I went out with him twice. And then I dumped him. So he took his revenge by making up that Burger King thing.’

  ‘But you were the one that told me’ Izzy reminded her.

  ‘Yeah. Once it was out, I went along with it’ Alicia confessed.

  ‘Why?’ Izzy asked, her voice high. ‘Why would you go along with it.’

  Alicia sat back in her chair and sighed. ‘There was stuff going on back then.’

  ‘What stuff?’

  ‘You remember my dad?’ Alicia asked. Izzy nodded. ‘I never told you but… He was kind of… He cheated on my mum. A lot.’

  Izzy clutched a hand to her throat. ‘What? But he was so nice!’

  ‘Yeah. That was the problem. He was being nice all over the place, with a lot of the mums from our school.’

  Izzy was scandalised. She couldn’t speak, she was so taken aback. Mr Coleman? A cad?

  ‘It all came out around the same time as the Burger King thing, and I was hoping that if people were talking about me, then they wouldn’t talk about that. And then, I don’t know, I started to like the way it made people look at me. I felt like people thought I was a woman or some silly shit. Which was why, when those other little shits - Ryan and Michael - also decided to tell everyone that they’d had a go on the town bike, I didn’t deny it.’

  ‘You never had to lie for attention’ Izzy responded, still processing. ‘You were the queen of our school. You had people eating out of your hand.’

  ‘Maybe I wanted to understand how my dad felt, why he needed to shag about’ Alicia theorised, looking a little embarrassed. ‘He used sex to feel special. And so did I, in a way.’

  Izzy sat back in her chair, flabbergasted. ‘How did I not know all this?’

  ‘I presume you had your own worries’ Alicia said kindly. ‘I remember how your mum and dad were.’

  ‘So, I was… Your first.’

  ‘That’s right’ Alicia nodded, picking up another olive from the bowl and almost putting it into her mouth before she realised what she was doing. ‘Someone needs to take these little bastards away before I make a better stab of choking to death.’

  Izzy barely heard her. She couldn’t square what she’d heard. Alicia had been That Girl, effortlessly gorgeous, popular, chased by boys. But the boys had apparently never caught her. At least not then.

  ‘So how about now?’ Izzy asked, trying to recover from the night’s revelations. ‘You seeing anyone? Married?’

  ‘Nope. Just broke up with someone a few months ago.’

  ‘Oh dear.’

  ‘No, it’s fine. We weren’t compatible. We’d both figured that out by the end, so it was fairly amicable.’

  Izzy thought of her own, less amicable break up. Must have been nice to feel no ill will. ‘Were you living together?’

  ‘Yes. I gave her the flat. I was lucky, I found somewhere quickly-’

  For what seemed like the seven hundredth time that night, Alicia had said something that required immediate clarification. ‘Wait, did you say ‘Her?’

  Alicia looked at Izzy like she was the stupidest woman on planet earth. ‘For heaven’s sakes, Izzy. Did you not click? I’m gay too.’

  Izzy laughed to herself. ‘Sorry, Alicia, I think I’ve gone temporarily mad. Could you repeat that?’

  ‘I’m a lesbian. I always was.’

  Izzy said, ‘I see. Would you excuse me for a moment? I simply must urinate’ and she stood without waiting for a response.

  Forty-Two

  Izzy stood looking at herself in the bathroom mirror. It was appropriate. She felt like Alice, fallen through the looking glass. Everything she thought she knew was upside down. She didn’t know what to think, what to say.

  The facts as she’d recalled them were these: Alicia was a girl who had an easy sexuality and applied that sexuality vigorously with the male population of their school. Alicia had gotten drunk at a party and bedded Izzy for no other reason than that she could. That moment had revealed Izzy’s gayness to her. It had also forced her to accept her true fe
elings for Alicia. On the verge of revealing them, Alicia had told her not to tell anyone and insisted that she stay with her boyfriend and not make the event into something it wasn’t.

  But now other facts had been revealed about that decade old incident. Firstly, Alicia had never been with anyone before her. Presumably, it had also been something of a turning point for someone who was discovering that they liked the female persuasion.

  How did Izzy add the first set of facts to the second? She couldn’t. So what was she expected to do about any of this? Forgive Alicia?

  No.

  Because what had happened was even more painful now. If Alicia had been gay the whole time, it was so much worse. In this new light, the whole thing had been entirely personal. Because if Alicia had wanted Izzy, she could have had her, all of her. Only Alicia hadn’t been interested and not because she’d dipped a toe in the lady pond and thought, ‘Not for me.’ It was only Izzy herself that she hadn’t wanted. Only Izzy who she’d used to trial the whole thing out before deciding there were more interesting girls out there. Sexier, cooler, better.

  Izzy was freshly angry. She felt refocused, reinvigorated, ready to kick Alicia’s arse once again.

  She slammed back into the restaurant, sat back down with a thump, noted the mains had been delivered to the table and said, ‘How are you feeling from the olives?

  ‘Alright.’

  ‘Good’ Izzy said and picked up her cutlery. She put it straight back down. ‘Because I want you to tell me right now what the hell you thought you were playing at when we were eighteen?’

  Alicia paused but she didn’t look entirely unready for this line of questioning. ‘You’re gonna have to be more specific.’

  ‘I didn’t know I was gay before that night. Did you know that?’ Izzy asked ferociously. ‘You made me realise it.’

  ‘I did?’

  ‘Yes. You cracked the whole thing wide open, if you’ll pardon the expression. I went into that bedroom confused and came out clear.’

  ‘Christ’ Alicia breathed.

  ‘So when we sat in that kebab shop, I was a mess but you know what I did know? I knew how I felt about you. And you rejected me. So I just have to ask why you did that to me? Because we were friends before then. You were my best friend, in fact. And you broke my heart. For nothing. So I need to hear from the horse’s mouth-’

  ‘Woah, wait’ Alicia said, sitting bolt upright. ‘I broke your heart?’

  ‘Yes’ Izzy spat.

  ‘Me. I was the one who broke your heart?’ Alicia said and now she looked not only confused, but a little angry too. That gave Izzy pause. Alicia leaned forward to deliver the killing blow. ‘I don’t see how, considering I was fucking crazy in love with you.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Izzy asked. She really didn’t understand the words coming out of Alicia’s mouth. It had been the other way around. If she’d knew one thing, it was that. The story Alicia was telling was wrong. It had to be.

  ‘You had that boyfriend and you talked about him all the time. It killed me. I had to listen to you tell me about how you were going to have sex with him, exactly how it would happen. It was torture’ Alicia explained awkwardly, folding her arms across her chest.

  ‘But you laughed at me. You made me feel like I was a little kid, kept telling me that sex was no big deal’ Izzy argued.

  ‘How the hell else was I supposed to listen to that and not show how I felt? I had to act like I didn’t care, like you didn’t matter to me like that’ Alicia said. She looked hurt, upset. Izzy sat like a lump and listened as Alicia really got going. ‘That night, I took a chance. I’ll admit there was some liquid courage at work but kissing you that first time was the scariest thing I’d ever done. And you couldn’t get away quick enough.’

  ‘I was scared too-’ Izzy started to say.

  ‘No. You don’t know fear. You just told me you didn’t know how you felt until you walked into that bedroom. But I knew. I knew for a long time how I felt about you. And I finally get up the nerve to kiss you and you tried to run off. I practically had to beg you to stay. And then we slept together. And you made it feel like you were doing me a favour.’

  ‘That’s not how it was’ Izzy said, shocked, and she found her hand reaching out, trying to touch Alicia. But Alicia withdrew her hand quickly. ‘I was freaking out because I’d just understood that I… I loved you. I’d always loved you’ Izzy confessed, feeling lightheaded. ‘But then you told me to go back to Ben.’

  Alicia’s eyes were wide with shock. ‘Because I thought you would anyway. I was waiting for you to give me some speech about how it was a one-off. So I decided to get in front. I was just trying to protect myself’ Alicia said.

  Izzy and Alicia looked at each other anew. So there it was. Every mistake and misunderstanding was out, sitting on the table with the candle and the bread and the wine. A decade Izzy had hurt over this. And she’d gotten it completely wrong.

  ‘For heaven’s sakes’ Izzy said and she laughed, feeling like a weight had come off her. She hadn’t known until now just how heavy it had sat on her. She’d believed she’d been used and rejected by someone who didn’t care, didn’t see her. And Alicia had believed the same. The pair of them, in love, never seeing that feeling reflected in the other. ‘We were so stupid.’

  ‘We were young’ Alicia corrected, a sad smile on her lips.

  A moment passed and then Izzy heard herself say, ‘We’re not young now.’

  Alicia licked her lips and unfolded her arms. ‘No. We’re not.’

  The waitress turned up right then. She looked at the full plates. ‘Is everything alright?’

  Izzy cursed the waitress's timing. She didn’t know what was happening right now with Alicia and she wasn’t sure if it was a good idea for anything to happen at all. There were many good reasons not to let anything happen. Chief among them was that Izzy was coming off of the nastiest break-up of her life. She was still hurting over that.

  Yet still.

  ‘The food is fine’ Izzy told the waitress.

  ‘Are you sure-’ the woman asked.

  ‘If you just stop talking and fetch the bill right now, I’ll tip you so big it’ll make your head spin’ Alicia told her flatly.

  The woman nodded and dashed away. Izzy and Alicia were left alone again. Alicia pushed her food to the side and leaned forward. ‘You wanna get out of here?’

  Forty-Three

  Izzy and Alicia were sat in Alicia’s flat. It was split level, modern, light, big. ‘Nice place’ Izzy said as she sat on the sofa, drinking a cup of tea. It was all very civilised.

  ‘I get a break on the rent because someone died here’ Alicia said.

  ‘What?’ Izzy said, mid sip. ‘Are you kidding?’

  ‘Yes’ Alicia smiled. ‘It’s a friend’s place. I’m just subletting while he’s off travelling. Way out of my price range otherwise.’

  ‘You don’t make a lot as a jeweller? Izzy asked.

  ‘God, not at that place. They think I’m a kid and they don’t know shit about jewellery that wasn’t forged a hundred years ago. I want to set up my own place someday. Modern designs.’

  ‘I can imagine’ Izzy said, picturing Alicia, queen of her own castle. Alicia didn’t belong in that other place at all. All those stiff types, it wasn’t the Alicia she remembered. That girl was a rebel. But there again, if the last few hours had shown Izzy anything, it was that she hadn’t known Alicia as well as she’d thought. Add to that ten missing years and maybe she didn’t know her at all. ‘We’ve got a lot of catching up to do, haven’t we?’

  ‘That’s true’ Alicia admitted. ‘I hope…’

  ‘You hope what?’

  Alicia paused. ‘Nothing.’

  ‘No, go on. Please?’

  ‘I guess I hope we still like each other’ Alicia said quietly, not quite looking at Izzy.

  Izzy nodded her agreement. She took a deep breath. ‘In the spirit of that, I better tell you some stuff about me that isn’t s
o great. Then you can decide if you like me at all anymore’ Izzy said, and she told her about Zoe, the planned proposal, the cheating, the whole humiliating debacle, ending with her current lack of employment. Alicia listened carefully and when the tale of woe was done, she put a hand on Izzy’s. Izzy felt a sharp shock go up her hand. It was scary and thrilling. ‘Zoe sounds like a tool’ Alicia said softly yet firmly.

  ‘No. I mean, yes. But I’m the prat. I believed everything she ever said. I thought we were in love.’