[2013] Note to Self- Change the Locks

by Heather Balog

  “Where would you like me to hide? The place is the size of a gum wrapper."”

  I gave him an icy stare as I planted my hands on my hips. “Go into the bedroom.”

  Simon leapt to his feet, “Oh baby, I’ve been waiting for you to say that since I got here.”

  “Funny.” I smirked, shoving him in the direction of my room. “Keep quiet in there,” I warned. Simon stuck his foot in the door jam, preventing me from closing the door.

  “You mean you want me to sit in here all quiet while you have a date fifty feet away? That’s hardly fair.” Simon leaned in toward me. “What if I get all horny listening to you two necking out there?”

  “We’re not going to be necking,” I made a dramatic show of using air quotes and hoped Simon didn’t notice me blush. I found it extremely disconcerting to have my ex-husband commenting on my current love life. “We’re just having dinner.”

  “I’ve had dinner with you, love,” Simon countered with his own air quotes and a wink. “I know how hot and heavy it can get.”

  Pushing him again, I was able to slam the door shut. “Go whack off in a tissue or something, Simon. Just don’t get anything on my comforter!”

  I rushed over toward the front door. Austin had impatiently rung the bell at least three times as this all transpired.

  “Coming!” I called out as I peeked in the full length mirror on the hall closet door. After shopping for dinner, I had showered and I shampooed my hair, probably for the first time since Austin left ten days ago. I changed into skinny jeans, a tunic top and the new flats that I had found unused under my bed, still in the box. I was pleased with my reflection for once. Not eating today had really paid off—I felt skinny. I heaved the door open.

  “Austin!” I exclaimed, my surprise obvious. Austin stood in the hallway with a half empty bottle of whiskey. He was leaning against the wall, looking completely blitzed. He flung his hands up in the air when he saw me.

  “Elizabeth!” Wrapping his arms around me, he jostled the bottle and spilled the alcohol on my top. Oblivious to the mistake, he nuzzled my neck. “Ahhh, I missed you so much.”

  “Oh, Austin,” I giggled, pulling away. “Not out in the hallway.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him inside the apartment. “At least let me feed you before you take advantage of me.”

  “Mmm, I want to take advantage of you right now,” He pressed his body against mine, stepping toward the couch. I felt his penis grow harder against my abdomen.

  “Austin,” I murmured as I fell onto the couch. “Stop. We can’t—” Austin straddled my waist and pushed his hands up my shirt.

  “Elizabeth, I’ve been on the road with a bunch of guys for ten days. The whole time, all I could think about was ripping your clothes off and...”

  Oh yes, Austin…talk dirty, baby. You know I love that dirty talk. And then when you take your tongue…

  Suddenly, I was reminded of the fact that Simon was probably pressed up against the door of my bedroom with a glass to his ear. My naughty thoughts screeched to a grinding halt. “Ah, Austin, I think we should save this for later,” I suggested as he unhooked my bra.

  He grinned at me and pulled my bra out of my sleeve. “Ta da! I’m like a magician!”

  I retrieved my silvery bra from him. It was the same one that Simon had picked off my bed earlier in the day. “Ha ha, yes, thank you very much.”

  “No, no, I want to thank you,” Austin murmured as he pushed his rough and calloused hand down the front of my jeans. “Over and over and over again. I want to say ooh ooh ooh thank you Miss Parisi.”

  “What are we, in school or something?” I asked while attempting to escape from underneath him. I wanted to have sex with him so badly, but, ugh, I couldn’t do it with Simon in the next room. Fuck!

  I sat up and tugged on Austin’s hand. “Come into the kitchen. I made a really nice dinner. It’s going to get cold if we don't eat it right away.”

  Austin groaned as he attempted to pull me back on top of him. “But my balls are going to get blue if I don't use them right away. Blue balls are so much worse than cold food.” He pretended to peek inside his pants. “Yup! They’re practically purple right now.” He grabbed my hand and rubbed it on the bulge in his jeans. “See?”

  No, no, no! We cannot do this! I need to gently break the news about Simon, first! I can’t have sex with Austin on this couch—the one that Simon slept on for God’s sakes—and then say, “Oh by the way, I have an ex-husband and he’s staying with me. Oh, and he was in the bedroom the whole time we were having sex.”

  I tried to pull my hand away unsuccessfully. Austin enveloped me with his arms and ran his tongue up the side of my neck.

  “Stop, Austin!” I couldn’t help laughing as I pulled away from him. “Are you drunk?”

  “Yup! You guessed it,” he replied as he gently nibbled my ear. “You know how horny I get when I’m drunk.”

  Did I ever! Usually when Austin came back from a long stint on the road, the first thing he would do is get sloppy drunk and want to have sex all night. As much as I appreciated all the attention, it tended to make me walk funny in the morning. Nora joked that she knew when Austin was back in town because I looked like I just got off a horse. I guess it made me feel better about him being gone. After all, if he was so horny when he got back, he couldn’t possibly be getting any on the road, and therefore by this twisted logic, I was certain he wasn’t cheating on me. I just wish he wasn’t quite so horny.

  Every time I would tell myself to make him stop when I got uncomfortable, like after the fourth or fifth time, but each time I found it impossible to resist him. He was just so damn hot! And if my hot guy wanted to have sex all night, who was I to refuse him? I know tons of girls who would kill for a chance to just kiss him, and here I was, half naked on my couch with him.

  Half naked? Holy crap how did I get half naked? I glanced down and saw that not only was my bra on the floor, but my jeans were, too. Damn you, Austin and your devious techniques. The man was good. He literally charmed the pants off of me and I didn’t even realize it. And now, with his hand up my shirt, caressing my bare breasts and kissing my neck like he was, I was rounding the corner to the point of no return.

  Oh fuck it all to hell, I thought. Screw Simon. He deserves to be tortured for what he put me through. I pulled my shirt over my head and threw myself on top of Austin, prepared to give him the wild ride that he was after.

  Within seconds, I had him sweating and I could hear the squeaking of the leather couch underneath his magnificent ass. His eyes were closed and his head was tilted back, little beads of sweat glistening at his slightly receding hair line. I stared at his forehead as I rocked back and forth on top of him. He was so beautiful and I was so…well, not beautiful. How did a loser like me end up with an Adonis like Austin?

  He grabbed the top of my thigh and flipped me over onto the couch, kneeling in front of it. He had my head up against the back as he lifted my left leg in the air, repeatedly thrusting. This was so hot. I should be just lying here enjoying this hunk of man meat, but all I can think about is Simon in the bedroom.

  Damn Simon! At the thought of him, all my tingling disappeared. I was going to have to enlist my best acting skills if I was going to get Austin to believe I was thoroughly enjoying this.

  “Ooo, Austin,” I let out an exaggerated moan as I gripped the side of the couch and rolled my eyes back. Peeking, I could see Austin with his “I’m the man” grin. I just have to keep this up for another three minutes and we’ll be done.

  I sat up afterwards with melodramatic panting and Austin smirked mischievously. “Do you need your inhaler?” I put my hand to my chest and embellished the act of taking a deep breath.

  “No I think I’ll be okay this time,” I said as I waved him away. I’ve had to use my inhaler more than once after sex. You know, when I actually enjoyed the sex. Like when my ex-husband wasn’t in the next room.

  “You really should start going to the gym a little more if�
�”

  I shoot him a pointed look. “You really want to go and ruin it by using the g word? I swear between you and Nora...” I started to re-hook my bra.

  Austin laughed as he snatched the bra away. “Oh, no. I didn’t say I was done with you yet. I’ve been gone ten days! I’ve got ten days worth backed up here...”

  I heard a faint snicker from the direction of the bedroom. Son of a bitch. Simon was listening. I have to get Simon out of here somehow. I can’t very well say, oh by the way he’s living here and look, here he is now. Hiding in the bedroom while we fucked on the couch.

  I coyly ran my fingers up the underside of Austin’s bicep. He shivered slightly as he groaned, "Ooo, Elizabeth, you know that’s a very naughty thing to do. Don’t do that unless you’re willing to get punished."

  I propped myself up next to him as I continued to stroke his arm. “I’m all for that but I think we deserve something special. The couch is so primitive. How about a little hotel action?”

  Austin groaned. “Aww, I don’t know, Elizabeth. I just spent the last week and a half in hotels. I don’t really want to go to another one. How about we just go to your bedroom?”

  I bolted upright. No! We can’t go there, Austin! My psychotic estranged ex-husband that I never told you about is hiding in my bedroom. Okay, that really sounded bizarre. Even in my head.

  I had to play this up a little more. “But honey, I wasn’t there with you in the Jacuzzi tub.” I stuck my bare chest out a little as I continued. “Who would you rather share a hotel room with? Three other sweaty, farting, snoring, sex deprived ball players or hot, naked, little me covered in whipped cream?” I batted my eyelashes at him as I spoke.

  Austin bolted off the couch causing the leather to make a horrific sound when it parted with his bare flesh. Austin didn’t even flinch as he actually tripped over his feet trying to get to the fridge.

  “You get your coat, I’ll get the whipped cream!” Austin called out as I quickly pulled my jeans and top back on. Screw the underwear. I was just going to be taking it off soon anyway.

  “This casserole looks good! I’m going to take a bite! Got to keep my strength up for marathon hotel sex!” Austin shouted from the kitchen. I heard the drawer open and him clattering around to retrieve a fork. Leave it to Austin to get sidetracked by food.

  I shook my head with amusement as I reached into the hall closet to get my jacket, only to find myself face to face with Simon. “Ahhhhh!”

  “What’s the matter?” Austin called from the kitchen.

  “Uh, nothing,” I stammered as I shoved Simon back into the closet. “What are you doing? How the hell did you get in there?” I hissed.

  “When you and boy wonder were humping and bumping on the couch, I snuck out here,” Simon told me with a grin.

  “You watched us? You sick pervert!” How did I miss that? Not waiting for an answer, I knocked Simon back into the closet just as Austin left the kitchen.

  “You’ve got light whipped cream and regular. Any preference?” Austin asked, holding up both cans.

  I stared at him. “Huh? Uh, no. Whatever you want.” Austin shrugged and returned to the kitchen.

  Simon popped out of the closet. “I thought you wanted me to leave. I was leaving.”

  “Idiot,” I muttered as I slammed the closet door and heard the box of broken heels that I've been meaning to get fixed, clatter to the floor. I smirked, knowing that all seven of them hit Simon in the head.

  “What was that?” Austin asked, stepping back into the living room.

  I shook my head. “No big deal. Something on the shelf fell.” I zipped up my jacket. "I'll get it later."

  Austin shrugged his shoulders as he pulled his jeans on and slid into his sneakers “Okay! Let’s get sexy!”

  He eagerly followed me out the door, pulling his hoodie over his taut abs. Poor naïve Austin. He had no idea that his definition of getting sexy would be tame by Simon’s standards.

  The first year that we were married, Simon read an article in some magazine that reported a shocking statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce. Simon was appalled by this news and deduced that the reason for all those divorces must be due to sex lives going stale.

  He sat at the kitchen table on the morning of our one year anniversary—naked—and handed me a flat envelope tied with pink ribbon. Excited that it might be the trip to Italy I had always dreamt of, I ripped the envelope open. Imagine my disappointment when I held a checklist in my hand entitled, “Sexual Positions and Settings”. It was in Simon’s nearly illegible scrawl.

  “What the hell is this?” I asked, shaking the paper at my husband. He grinned deviously.

  “Read it,” he urged with a wink.

  I scanned the first line. “Uh, yeah. I’d rather not. Where did you get this? Some porn magazine?”

  “I’m hurt, Lizzie,” Simon told me with a pout. “I spent hours devising this list. I put a lot of thought into it. This list was made with love.”

  “I call bullshit,” I snapped, tying my robe tighter and sitting down on one of our wooden Shaker chairs.

  “Okay, I may have watched a little porn while making this list, but it was all in the interest of strengthening our marriage.” He stood and inched up behind me, rubbing my shoulders. “I had to do research, love.”

  I rolled my eyes as I handed the list back to him. “Our sex life is fine, Simon. We don’t need a list.”

  Simon removed the paper from my hand. “Maybe you’ll like the list more if I read it to you.” He exaggerated clearing his throat. “Number one, have sex in the Violet’s Blush dressing room.” Violet’s Blush was the lingerie store in the mall.

  I took a sip of my coffee as I remarked drily. “Gee, I’m hoping that it’s me that you’re having sex with in the dressing room.”

  “Of course, love. Number two, have sex with two women at once. You know, love, we could do one and two at the same time. Really bang out the list so to speak.”

  I stood up, pushed the chair back and dumped the remainder of my coffee in the sink. It was already cold and Simon was pissing me off. “Well, you lost me already.”

  Simon ran up behind me and encircled me with his arms, cupping my breasts underneath my robe. He bounced them playfully, leaning in toward my neck. “Number three, have sex in a gondola in Venice,” he murmured into my ear as his playful bounces gave way to sensual rubbing of my nipples.

  “Mmm, now you’re talking,” I murmured, closing my eyes. He was massaging me just the way I liked it. I felt very, very sexy right then, my skin beginning to sizzle.

  “Open your eyes, Lizzie,” Simon whispered in my ear as he dropped his left hand from my breast.

  I opened my eyes to find Simon waving an envelope in front of me. I frowned, taking it from him. “What’s this one? Fifty reasons why blow jobs are good for my health?"

  Simon snorted. “Not quite. But they are. I told you about that article I read in Men’s—”

  I cut him off as I ripped open the envelope. “Two plane tickets to Rome?” I squealed with delight as I grabbed Simon’s shoulders and began jumping up and down. “Are these real?” I asked, waving them in the air.

  Simon laughed as he grabbed for my bouncing breasts. “That’s like asking if these babies are real. Of course they’re real. Only the best vacation for my best girl.”

  “Your best girl? Do you have other girls?” I smirked but I still didn’t stop jumping. I was going to be out of breath soon.

  Simon blushed as he stammered, “No of course not. It was a joke, Lizzie.” I halted and caught my breath.

  “Hey, if you take me to Italy, you can have all the girls you want,” I purred seductively, pushing him against the kitchen cabinet.

  “I like that idea. Can I get number two on the list?” Simon asked as I rubbed his bare chest with my hands.

  “I’ve been dreaming of Italy probably as long as you have been dreaming of number two on your list,” I told him as my hands wandered down to his belly
, which was a little softer than when we had gotten married, but still flat.

  “Mmm,” he moaned. “Yes, it has been awhile...”

  “So maybe I owe you,” I continued as I started to stroke his already erect penis.

  “Oh, yes, yes, maybe you do...” Simon mumbled as he braced himself against the counter.

  “Tell me again how blow jobs are good for my health,” I said as I lowered myself to my knees.

  “Elizabeth!” Austin was calling my name.

  “Huh?”

  “I thought we were going to the car?” Austin asked impatiently.

  I nodded my head as I followed him to the parking deck. “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I just remembered something I was supposed to do.” I felt my face with the back of my hand. It was hot.

  Probably hot from fantasizing about your ex-husband while your boyfriend is trying to sweep you off your feet.

  “Oh I know something you're supposed to do. Your very horny and sex deprived boyfriend,” Austin remarked as he pulled me close to him. “How about right here?”

  “In the parking deck?” I replied—my words echoed and hung in the air. Scandalous.

  “In the parking deck,” Austin replied firmly.

  I glanced around nervously. Most of the neighbors’ cars were already in for the night. We probably wouldn’t get caught, I considered. And it would definitely take my mind off of Simon.

  “Okay. Let’s do it.” I threw my arms around his neck and started kissing him passionately.

  “Whoa, whoa,” Austin yelped, holding his hands up. “Not, like, on the ground.” He clicked the car open. “In the car,” he said, holding the back door open.

  “Oh, right.” I shrugged, still game. Not as kinky as the ground of the parking deck, but Austin and I had never had sex in the back seat of a car either.

  I reclined on the seat and pulled Austin in. He shut the door behind him and climbed in on top of me, which immediately became awkward. A six foot tall guy climbing on top of a girl in the backseat of a Prius could only ever be awkward. Not that I would know from any previous experience. But I would imagine it would be the same as the back of a Corolla or a Mustang, which I did know from experience.