[2013] Note to Self- Change the Locks

by Heather Balog

  We stared at each other for a few minutes, neither one of us daring to speak first. Finally, Simon broke the silence. “Jim said you had to talk to me. That it was a matter of life and death.”

  “Oh geez, well, Jim exaggerated slightly…” I sputtered.

  “You are in the hospital,” Simon pointed out.

  “Well, I got in a bit of a row with Nora,” I began.

  Simon cracked a smile at my English slang. “A row, huh?”

  I chewed my bottom lip. “Yeah. It was actually an all-out cat fight, to be honest with you.”

  Simon raised his eyebrows as he cautiously approached my bedside. “I see. Let me guess, she caught this fiancé of yours with another woman.”

  I shook my head. “No. Not quite as ironic as that.” I inhaled sharply as I struggled to push myself up in the bed. “Simon, why didn’t you tell me it was Nora all along?”

  Simon flushed and stepped back. “Damn it, Lizzie,” he muttered.

  “Why did you take the blame? She was the one who was wrong. Not you.”

  Simon stared down at his scuffed shoes for a moment. His pants also had a hole in them. Obviously, he still wasn’t doing well on the employment front. Or, he had no one to remind him to get his shoes shined and his pants fixed. When he raised his head to look at me, I could see his gray eyes were stormy.

  “I was wrong, too, Lizzie. I shouldn’t have ever let her in the apartment. She was…” he briefly cleared his throat and then reached for the water pitcher on my tray. He poured a glass and took a sip before continuing.

  “I did find her attractive.” He gave me a sheepish grin and shrugged. “Hell, any guy with a pulse would find her attractive. But, Lizzie, she wasn’t you. I didn’t want her, I wanted you.” He stared down at his dreadful shoes again. “She couldn’t handle being rejected, so she got vengeful.” Sipping his water, he paused in his explanation. “I felt like it was still my fault, so I didn’t tell you the whole story. You and Nora had been friends so long.” He gazed at me mournfully. “I didn’t want to be the guy who got in the way of your friendship. I really thought that Nora’s conscience would eat her alive and she would come clean, but then I realized, that wasn’t going to happen and it was already too late. I had lost you.”

  I stared at Simon for what seemed to be an eternity. I was acutely aware of my tears falling onto the blanket and that my bottom lip was trembling as I searched for the right words. The words that would fix this. The words that would undo the last three and a half years of my life. All I could come up with was a poor excuse for a joke.

  “Nora doesn’t appear to have a conscience.”

  Simon smiled sadly. “No. She certainly doesn’t.” He approached the bed guardedly. Reaching for my hand, he asked, “May I?”

  Nodding, I interlaced his fingers in mine. His warm hands paradoxically sent a delightful chill through my body. “Simon, if you told me what had really happened it would have made all the difference. I…” I swallowed hard, forcing back the deluge of tears. “I never stopped loving you. I can’t get you out of my mind.” I sniffed as I added with a snort, “You son of a bitch.”

  Simon ignored my oddly timed insult. “I never stopped loving you either, Lizzie. I never imagined that this would happen. I didn’t think it would ever get as far as it did.” Simon choked up as he gripped my hand tighter. “I really thought Nora would eventually come clean. And then, I found out you were engaged—”

  Oh shit. I was engaged. And pregnant.

  “Well isn’t this just a Kodak moment,” I heard from the bulky figure emerging through the curtain.

  Oh perfect timing, Austin. He glared at our entangled hands. “What the fuck is going on here, Elizabeth?” He gaze moved from our hands, directly to Simon. “Is this the asshole ex-husband?”

  “Austin, I…” I stammered, completely unnerved.

  Simon, however didn’t miss a beat. He stood and offered his hand to Austin. “Hi. I’m Simon. You must be Austin.”

  Austin scowled at Simon’s hand with contempt. “Get away from my fiancé,” he barked.

  Simon looked at me for direction. I nodded, pleading with my eyes. I promise everything will be okay.

  “I need to be alone with Austin for a moment, Simon.”

  He smiled weakly and backed away from my bedside. “Okay, I’ll wait out here?” He gestured over his shoulder.

  I nodded as Austin jumped in. “No, take a hike, dude. Thanks for stopping by, but I’ve got this from here.” Austin’s neck muscles stretched against his skin as he stared menacingly at Simon. Once again, Simon looked to me. I shook my head.

  Stay, I mouthed.

  Simon bowed slightly as the curtain dropped in front of his body and he was out of sight.

  “What the hell was he doing here, Elizabeth?” Austin turned to me and I took stock of my fiancé. His shirt was buttoned crookedly, his hair disheveled. He had glitter on his face and he reeked of cheap perfume.

  “What were you doing, Austin?” I turned the tables on him without missing a beat. I wasn’t the only one with explaining to do.

  Nervously running his hand through his hair, Austin replied, “Hey listen. I was at my bachelor party. I get a frantic phone call from my mom that you’re in the hospital and then I find you here holding hands with that dickhead.” He practically spat out the words. “A week before our wedding.”

  Sighing, I reached for his hand. Now or never, Lizzie. This is the moment of reckoning. I could almost hear Simon’s voice in my head. Austin reluctantly allowed me to take his hand.

  “Austin, there’s not going to be a wedding next week. I can’t get married.”

  Austin pulled away, shock registering on his face. “What are you talking about, Elizabeth? Everything’s planned. The wedding is in a week.” He stumbled backwards.

  I shook my head. “I can’t marry you, Austin. It wouldn’t be fair to you. I…” Closing my eyes I confessed, “I still love Simon. I couldn’t be a good wife to you if I’m in love with another man.”

  “What are you talking about? How can you be in love with him? You said you’re divorced!” His voice was growing higher and higher.

  Opening my eyes a crack, I could see Austin backing further away from my bed.

  “We are divorced. But I found out today that it was under false pretenses.”

  “What are you talking about?” Austin squealed once again. Perhaps it was the only sentence he could utter under these circumstances.

  “I thought he had cheated on me, but he didn’t.” I held my hand out, but Austin recoiled. “I care for you a lot, Austin. I love you, even. But it’s not the same. It’s not the way I love Simon.” His angry, distorted face fell, crestfallen. “I’m sorry,” I added softly.

  Shaking his head, Austin protested adamantly, “No. You are going to marry me. We’re having a baby. I’m the baby’s father.”

  “I know that and believe me, you’ll see the baby as much as you want or as much as you can with your schedule—”

  Austin smacked the mattress, jarring me. “That’s what this is about, isn’t it? Me being on the road? I swear to God I only slept with that one waitress in…” Austin paused midsentence, obviously realizing his mistake.

  My mouth went dry. “You cheated on me?” I probed through my mouth full of cotton. Wow, I was really proving to be quite the picture of naïveté today, wasn’t I? I should ask if anyone had a bridge they wanted to sell me.

  Disgusted with both Austin and myself, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stared him down as I repeated myself. “You cheated on me?”

  “It just happened. I didn’t mean for it to happen,” Austin spluttered. “Hey, I’ve said no to dozens of women, if that counts for anything. I mean, I made out with a few, but she’s the only one I actually had sex with!”

  I stared at my fiancé in disbelief as I placed my palms on the bed to push myself off. Austin wasn’t exactly helping his cause. Every time he opened his mouth, he seemed to shove his size twelve s
hoe in deeper.

  “We have to get married. My parents already paid for everything,” Austin reasoned.

  I shook my head. “No, Austin. Obviously, neither of us are ready for this marriage. It’s better we discovered it before the wedding rather than two months after the fact.”

  Austin slumped against the wall, covering his face with his hands. “My parents are going to be pissed,” he insisted. I could see he was desperately trying to prevent his emotions from spilling over.

  “I’m sorry. I really liked them,” I replied sincerely.

  “Well, just one more thing I disappointed my Dad with.” Austin struggled for his expression to remain indifferent, but I could feel his sorrow. I felt it, too. We had a pretty good relationship and a lot of fun. But as Nora said earlier, “All good things must come to an end.” Fun and awesome sex wasn’t enough to sustain a relationship. Austin and I weren’t right for each other for the long haul.

  Austin dropped his hands at his side and I moved in closer, wrapping my arms around his muscular body. Damn, he was so hot. I would definitely miss his sexy physique.

  Standing on tip-toes, I gave him a peck on the cheek. “Keep in touch?”

  Austin shrugged. “Yeah, well we have this baby coming…”

  Shit. I keep forgetting about this baby. I was linked to Austin for all eternity now. Well, there were probably worse people to be tied to. Nora, for instance. After today, I was cutting ties with her for sure. I didn’t need her meddling in my life any longer.

  Tugging the engagement ring off my finger, I dropped it in Austin’s waiting palm. He was obviously an expert at this.

  “I’ll text you with my upcoming doctor’s appointments. As soon as I contact my lawyer about custody arrangements, I’ll be in touch. And we’ll take it from there.” Wow! I sounded so grown up! Lawyers and all that. I guess I’d have to see if I had the card from my divorce lawyer laying around somewhere.

  Austin nodded. “Yeah, okay. Sounds good.” He turned to leave and then stopped as a thought occurred to him. Facing me again he asked, “It wouldn’t have worked out, would it?”

  I shook my head doubtfully. “I don’t think so.”

  Smiling weakly, he closed the curtain and walked away.

  Seconds later, the curtain parted once more and Simon entered. He was beaming at me. “Did you break up with him?”

  I nodded sadly. What a day of mixed emotions. I would miss Austin tremendously, but I knew this was the best decision. Even if Simon wasn’t standing in front of me right now, marrying Austin would have been a grave mistake. I was right to break it off. Even if it meant raising the baby alone.

  The baby. I have to tell Simon about the baby.

  Simon was practically skipping to my side. “You don’t know how happy this makes me,” he chortled, grabbing my hand.

  I smiled weakly. “You may want to sit down for a second, Simon. There’s something I haven’t told you yet.”

  Simon sat on the bed while rubbing his temples. “All right. I know what it is,” he told me with a serious air.

  “You do?” Had he been listening when I was talking to Austin?

  “You’re having a sex change operation. I’m not into dudes, but I love you so I guess, I’ll have to deal with it,” his face cracked into a grin. He obviously spent way too much time hanging around my brothers when we were married.

  I groaned. “I’m serious, Simon. For once. It’s very serious,” I tugged at his hand like I was reprimanding a wayward child.

  “Are you dying?”

  “No, it’s not that serious.”

  “Then I can handle it,” Simon assured me.

  Chewing my thumbnail, I gazed into Simon’s eyes. He loves me. He stalked me. He never gave up on me. He’ll be able to handle this.

  “I’m pregnant,” I announced, leaning back on the pillow to gauge Simon’s reaction.

  His face registered shock and confusion at the same time. “Did we?” He motioned with his hand between me and him.

  “Oh, oh, no!” I stammered. “No, it’s Austin’s. I’m four months pregnant.” Shrugging my shoulders, I added, “Surprise!” I smiled encouragingly, hoping my cheerfulness would prove contagious.

  Instead, Simon looked like he had just swallowed a glass of rancid milk.

  “Uh, okay. Um…” Simon squinted at me as he stood up. “I definitely need a little air here.”

  “Simon,” I called as he pushed the curtain back. He paused, tilted his head to the side, waiting for me to continue. “I realize this is a lot to digest. Another man’s baby and all that.”

  He cut me off. “It is a lot. I love you, Lizzie, but I don’t think I can commit to something like this right now. I need to just…” he stammered as he tugged at a non-existent beard on his chin. “I don’t know. I have to think about this, okay? I gotta go.”

  “Wait!” I held up my hand and Simon turned around. “Where are you going?”

  “I don’t know,” he said, face blanched.

  “Will you be back?” I asked, lip quivering.

  “Honestly Lizzie…I don’t know.”

  With that, he was gone, letting the curtain fall in his wake. I stared after him, in disbelief that he had walked out of my life once again, leaving me to sob over all my mistakes that I couldn’t seem to rectify, no matter what.

  Twenty-one

  “Olivia! Get off of that couch right now!” I shrieked. I entered the family room to find my precocious, pigtailed three year old bouncing happily on my brand new sofa. “Isn’t Uncle Jim supposed to be watching you?” I scanned the room for Jim, who was nowhere to be found.

  “I am watching her!” Jim yelled from the kitchen.

  “Then what is she doing?” I shouted back.

  “Jumping on the couch, of course!”

  I shook my head with mock annoyance as I dropped the laundry basket on the floor and scooped Olivia up into my arms.

  “You need to be getting to bed, my little monster,” I explained before I lifted her purple pajama shirt and playfully blew on her belly. She giggled with glee as she tried to pull the shirt back down.

  “No, Mommy! No!” she laughed, squirming in my arms.

  I removed my lips from her ticklish belly and cradled her in my arms. “Let’s go brush your teeth, Princess Monster Face!”

  “Aw, come on! We were going to have ice cream sundaes,” Jim moped as he entered the living room carrying a tray with two bowls scooped high with ice cream, a can of whipped cream, a container of sprinkles and a bottle of chocolate syrup.

  “Not in here you’re not,” I corrected as I swiped the tray from his hands and headed back into the kitchen with it.

  “Oh come on, Mommy! You’re no fun,” Jim whined as he followed me to the marble topped center island.

  “Yeah, Mommy, no fun!” Olivia piped in, climbing up on the stool at the island.

  “Kitchen is for eating. Not the living room,” I reminded both of them as Jim drizzled the chocolate syrup over both bowls. “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just a little bit! She’s going to bed soon, remember?”

  Jim rolled his eyes at me for Olivia’s benefit. Olivia covered her mouth with her pudgy little hands and giggled. She adored Jim and thought he was the most hysterical adult on the planet. Next to Joe from Blue’s Clues, of course.

  “Don’t you have some place to be? I got this,” Jim assured me.

  I frowned as I stormed back into the living room to my laundry basket. Riffling through it, I retrieved the pair of underwear I was looking for; the pair of underwear Jim had dubbed my “lucky underwear”.

  I had been wearing this particular pair of panties the day my agent called to tell me that my second book, Single, Sexy, and Soon to Give Birth was going to be published. I had been wearing that pair to every book signing since. They were originally sexy, teal boyshorts with lace trim that really lifted my sagging ass, but now they were a sickly greenish hue, missing the lace, and completely shapeless.

  “Do you really need those panti
es? I think by now you’ve made your own luck,” Jim complained from the doorway between the kitchen and living room. He was shoveling a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. The cherry fell off of his heavily topped utensil and rolled on to my carpet. Of course, it hardly mattered. My carpet was a smorgasbord of color anyway. What parent was dumb enough to believe their carpet would remain its original color?

  “Kitchen,” I growled, pointing behind him. Hey, I could dream.

  Jim shrugged as he bent down to pick up the wayward cherry. “I’m just saying. Those panties lost their sexy about thirty book signings ago.”

  I ignored him as I trudged toward my bedroom, panties in hand. Closing the door, I inspected the outfit Jim had chosen for this evening, which was hanging on the back of the door. A pair of black, pinstripe, form-fitting dress pants and a billowing white blouse with lacey sleeves. It was classic, but practical at the same time. It said, “I’m a mom just like you, but I have a professional side, too.” Or something like that. At least that was the bullshit Jim fed me and I ate it up. Mainly because I liked the way my ass looked in the pants and the shirt didn’t make my boobs look huge. I have come to realize when your breasts are bigger than average, other women tend to hate you. Or at least, they’re less likely to buy the book you’re trying to sell them.

  I pulled the outfit on as I kept one eye on the clock. Seven o’ three pm. How ridiculous! I want to kill my agent, Myra, right now. At this time I should be putting Olivia to bed and vegging on the couch in sweats. Not getting ready to go out for a book signing.

  Grumbling to myself, I examined my hair and make-up in the mirror. Hair, okay, make-up, no way. I pulled out my handy dandy make-up bag (oh God I watched way too much Blue’s Clues) and added more make-up to the blush and eyeliner I had applied sparingly earlier in the day, when Olivia and I had our outing at the park.

  After ten minutes of poking at my face, I was semi-satisfied with my appearance. I reached into my closet for my purse, slung it over my left shoulder and tromped out into the living room where I found Jim and Olivia deeply immersed in a kids’ show about two little bunnies who got into trouble around the house.