Heroes

by Stephen Fry

  Another year passed. Then one day Heracles – who had taken no part in the general frolicking and fornicating – paid Jason a visit.fn31

  ‘We’re supposed to be searching for a Golden Fleece,’ he grumbled. ‘Not rutting like bloody stags.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Jason. ‘Yes. You’re right.’

  The goodbyes were fraught.

  ‘Take me with you,’ begged Hypsipyle.

  ‘My darling, you know we have a “strictly no women” rule on board.’

  ‘Then take the twins. This is no place for them to grow up. They need men to learn from.’

  ‘We do have a strict “no children” rule too …’

  It was all very sticky, but he and the Argonauts managed to extricate themselves and Lemnos was barely out of sight before Jason was thinking only of what lay ahead. Hypsipyle and their twin sons vanished from his mind as quickly as they vanished from view.

  On the island, meanwhile, word came to Hypsipyle that rebellion and revenge were in the air. Jason might have let slip to some of his fellow crew members that she had spared her father from slaughter. One or two of those fellow crew members might have let slip that fact to the women on the island with whom they were consorting. Now that Hypispyle’s protector had left, the women were ready to tear their queen to pieces for such treachery. She took her twin boys Euneus and Thoas and fled the island. They were soon captured by pirates and sold as slaves to king LYCURGUS of Nemea.fn32 Euneus was later to return and rule Lemnos. During his reign the island played a small but pivotal role in the outcome of the Trojan War. Some time later it served as a springboard for the Great War’s ill-fated Gallipoli campaign.

  THE DOLIONIANS

  On ploughed the Argo, through the Dardanelles and on to the Propontis, the Sea of Marmara as we call it today. On the Asian side the Argonauts came to the coastal kingdom of the Doliones, or Dolionians, ruled over by the young King CYZICUSfn33 and Queen CLITE, who welcomed them with lavish hospitality.

  It was while they were recovering from a night’s feasting that the Argo was attacked by a neighbouring tribe of giantsfn34, great six-armed earthborn monsters. Heracles came splendidly into his own here and led the strongest of the Argonauts out to meet them. By the time he had finished, the giants all lay dead.

  Cyzicus and Clite were immensely grateful to be rid of the marauding predators that had raided the kingdom for generations and urged Jason to stay for more feasting. Mindful of the time they had wasted on Lemnos, Jason thanked them but insisted that regretfully they had better get going.

  The night after the Argonauts’ departure a great storm caught the Argo and blew her back to the shore. But it was dark; neither the Argonauts nor the Dolionians recognised each other and fierce fighting broke out. With Heracles on their side it was unlikely that the Argonauts would lose, and before long most of the Doliones, friendly King Cyzicus included, lay dead on the ground. When morning broke, Queen Clite was the first to leave the palace. When she saw the body of her husband, whom Jason himself had unwittingly killed, she ran to her bedchamber and hanged herself. In the light of day the Argonauts discovered with horror what they had done. They helped bury the dead, made expiatory sacrifices to the gods and left the Dolionian coast in sombre mood.

  ‘I do think,’ Jason said to the figurehead and Idmon the Seer, ‘that you might have warned us.’

  ‘You never asked,’ said Idmon.

  ‘There was a storm howling about our heads. Waves higher than the ship were tossing us about like leaves in the wind. How could I have asked?’

  ‘Could have raised your voice, couldn’t you?’ said the figurehead.

  ‘Where are we sailing to now? You can at least tell me that.’

  ‘Thrace,’ said Tiphys, while Idmon and the figurehead ummed, ahhed and tutted.

  The southern shores of Thrace, which we would call Bulgaria today, formed the northern coastline of the Propontis. The region was known for its fierce and warlike people, descended from THRAX, a son of Ares.

  ‘Anything we should look out for, especially?’ enquired Jason.

  ‘All the aitches,’ said the figurehead.

  ‘Aitches?’

  ‘Harpies, Hylas and Heracles,’ explained Idmon.fn35

  ‘What about them?’

  Idmon and the figurehead would say no more.

  HYLAS DISAPPEARS

  Mostly they sailed, but sometimes, when the wind dropped, they rowed. Which is to say Heracles rowed. He could do the work of the whole crew. All he required was water to drink, fruit to eat and his beloved Hylas to mop his brow and say soothing things to him.

  He was needed in the dead calm that followed the storm that had propelled them back to the Dolionians and the tragedy that had ensued there. Hugging the Mysian coast, Heracles rowed with long, powerful strokes; perhaps his temper or sorrow made him pull more violently than usual, for suddenly his oar broke. It could not be replaced on board: the other oars were like pencils next to his: a pine tree, with the branches stripped off and a great iron shovel fixed to it for a blade. The shovel was undamaged but the shaft splintered beyond repair. It was agreed that the Argo should stop and Heracles and Hylas could find a new tree. They leapt down and waded ashore, followed by Heracles’ friend and brother-in-law Polyphemus.

  ‘You look that way, and I’ll look this,’ said Heracles to Hylas, pointing beyond the dunes. Hylas nodded and disappeared into the woods that lay beyond.

  Heracles soon found the perfect tree. He hugged it and heaved. Up it came, roots and all. Leaning it on his shoulder like a sentry’s spear, he whistled for Hylas.

  He called again as he strode back towards the beach, ‘It’s all right, Hylas. I’ve found the perfect tree.’

  He stood and waited for Hylas, but only Polyphemus emerged, a puzzled look on his face.

  ‘Very odd,’ he said. ‘I heard a kind of cry.’

  ‘Where from?’

  Polyphemus pointed back towards the woods.

  Heracles dropped the tree and they both ran into the woods, calling all the while.

  Heracles uprooted bushes and trees, turned over boulders and cleared undergrowth, but he could find no sign of Hylas. Polyphemus followed, shouting and shouting his name.

  They widened their search. Beyond the woods there were fields and ditches, but very little cover. No Hylas. He had vanished.

  Heracles returned to the shore and began searching the rockpools and caves in desperation.

  ‘Strange thing is, there’s no wild animals for miles around,’ said Heracles. ‘I don’t understand it. He would never leave me, never.’

  ‘A shame,’ said Polyphemus. ‘A tragedy. Come, we will sacrifice a great bull for him when we arrive in Colchis.’

  ‘I’m staying here,’ said Heracles. ‘Not going till I find him.’

  ‘But we need to be on board. Tiphys said that the wind was beginning to get up. He’ll want to catch it.’

  ‘They can wait,’ said Heracles, who was as strong-willed as he was strong-muscled.

  That evening Tiphys hoisted the sails and the Argo left. It never occurred to Jason, nor any of the other Argonauts, that Heracles, Hylas and Polyphemus were still ashore.

  Only when they were miles out to sea did they discover their absence. Jason and many of the others were all for turning back at once.

  ‘No, no,’ said Calais.

  ‘Their lookout,’ said Zetes.

  ‘They knew we were leaving on the good wind our father sent.’

  ‘We must return!’ said Telamon, Heracles’ closest friend amongst those still on board. ‘How can we expect to win the Golden Fleece without him? He’s worth ten of them …’ he pointed scornfully at Calais and Zetes.

  ‘Oh really?’ said Zetes. ‘Shall we ask our father to send another wind?’

  ‘One that will smash this ship to splinters?’

  ‘Then we’ll see who’s worth what.’

  ‘Are you threatening the ship?’ Telamon grabbed Calais by the throat. ‘That’s mutiny.
I should throw you over board.’

  ‘We’d only fly away,’ said Zetes. ‘Then you’d look bloody silly, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘Enough!’ Jason interposed himself.

  Just then the sea surged and rocked them all nearly off their feet. Up from the waves rose the sea god GLAUCUS. He had been born a mortal fisherman in Boeotia, but achieved divine status when he nibbled at a herb that he had observed to have the power to bring dead fish back to life. The herb conferred immortality on him, but caused him to grow fins and a fish’s tail. He acted now as a guide, rescuer and friend to stricken sailors.

  ‘The Argo must not turn back!’ he commanded. ‘It is Heracles’ destiny to return to the court of Eurystheus and complete the tasks he was given. Nothing must interfere with this.fn36 Polyphemus too has a future. He will found the city of Cius. These things are ordained.’

  With a shake of his finny arms and a nod of his barnacled head, Glaucus disappeared beneath the waves.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Jason said to Telamon with genuine regret. ‘What must be, must be. We cannot turn back.’

  Telamon nodded. For the sake of harmony on board he resisted the urge to wipe the smug, gloating grins from the faces of Calais and Zetes.fn37

  Heracles never found his adored Hylas. After months of fruitless searching, he made his way sorrowfully home to mainland Greece to receive his next Labour from Eurystheus, but not before charging the local Mysian people to continue the search for Hylas. If they did not, he promised he would return and wreak vengeance upon them. To make sure they did keep searching, he took several sons of the noblest Mysian families back with him as hostages.

  Polyphemus did, as Glaucus had foreseen, go on to found the city of Cius on the Bithynian coast, not far from where Hylas was lost.fn38 He subsequently died trying to rejoin the Argonauts and was buried on the southern shores of the Black Sea, where a white poplar marked his grave.

  But what had happened to Hylas? Well, a little while after he parted from Heracles and went into the wood, he came upon a pool of water and knelt down to drink from it. Unlike NARCISSUS, he did not fall in love with his own reflection.fn39 Instead, it was the water nymphs of the pool who were smitten at the sight of the beautiful youth. They rose to the surface, sang to him, seduced him and eventually lured him in.fn40

  As the Argo sailed steadily on, the figurehead remarked smugly to Jason:

  ‘Told you to watch out for the aitches. Harpies next.’

  HARPIES

  The Argonauts anchored off the coast of Thracefn41 and made their way inland, searching for food with which to provision the ship. It was not long before their path was blocked by a blind and emaciated old man.

  ‘Who’s there?’ he cried, waving a stick in their general direction. For all his pitiable state, his manner was sharp and imperious.

  ‘Jason of Iolcos and his crew. Out of our way, if you please.’

  ‘Ah!’ cried the old man eagerly. ‘I knew you would come! Are the sons of the North Wind of your company?’

  Calais and Zetes stepped forward. ‘Who wants to know?’

  ‘PHINEUS, the king.’fn42

  ‘Of Thrace?’

  ‘You are in Salmydessus, and I am its ruler.’

  ‘I have heard of you,’ said Jason. ‘You put out your own sons’ eyes and you were blinded as a punishment.’

  ‘Not true, not true! That is a lie put about by my first wife. Zeus, the father of us all, granted me the gift of prophecy and it was he who took away my sight.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘He thought I was too generous in revealing the future to anyone who cared to know. But that was not all he had in store for me. Look, can you see that?’

  With trembling hands Phineus pointed his stick towards a stone table. There were pieces of bread, fruit and smoked meats on it, but they were all spattered with something that looked like mud.

  ‘Pee-yew! It stinks!’ cried Calais and Zetes who had gone close.

  ‘Their droppings,’ said Phineus. ‘It is not enough that they seize everything they can before I can eat it, they shit on whatever is left.’

  ‘They?’ said Jason. ‘Who are “they”?’

  ‘The Harpies. Two monstrous flying womenfn43. Women? They have the faces of women I am told, but the wings and talons of birds. Human vultures. Food is put out for me, but whenever I try to eat they fly down shrieking and shitting. They snatch the food from my very mouth and fly off screeching with laughter. It is enough to send a man mad. But I stayed sane because I knew salvation was coming. I knew that the Boreads with their gift of flight would come and deliver me from their curse.’

  Calais and Zetes shifted uneasily. ‘Whoa there, old man. Are you saying you want us to get rid of them?’ said Calais.

  ‘If Zeus sent them, he’s not going to thank us for interfering,’ said Zetes. ‘We’re sorry for you, really we are, but we’re not going to offend the Cloud-Gatherer and Lord of Storms. Not for anything.’

  ‘No, no!’ said Phineus, thrusting out a quavering hand in his direction, as if the act of touching Zetes might change his mind. ‘You will not be punished for aiding me. I assure you. I have seen. It is ordained that you will release me from the Harpies and so you will. And when you have done this,’ he added with a smile of some cunning, ‘I will tell you the only way you can safely proceed on your journey. A terrible obstacle lies ahead of you. Unless you overcome it, you will never reach Colchis. No, you will all perish.’

  ‘What obstacle?’ Jason demanded.

  ‘It is enough to say that, without my help, it will destroy your ship and cause the death of everyone on board.’

  Jason turned to Calais and Zetes. ‘Well, boys? It’s up to you.’

  The twins exchanged glances and nodded. ‘We’ll do it.’

  While Tiphys and two of the Argo’s crewmen wiped down the stone table, two other sets of brothers, Telamon and Peleus, and the twins Castor and Polydeuces were sent to forage for food. They returned with basketfuls of figs, olives and apples, to which was added the remaining store of Argo’s bread and smoked fish. The food was heaped up in appetising piles on the stone table. Jason guided Phineus into his seat at the feast and all the Argonauts withdrew to a high vantage point, save Calais and Zetes who concealed themselves behind a tree close to the table. When all was still and the trap set, Calais gave a low whistle. Phineus stretched out his hand and picked up a fig. It was barely halfway to his mouth when with a demented scream, the two harpies dived down from the clouds. One snatched the fig from Phineus’s fingers and devoured it. The other seized a pile of the fruit in her enormous claws, defecating on the rest as she did. The first joined her in ransacking and fouling the food.fn44

  Calais and Zetes, with their own blood-curdling cry, shot from their hiding place. Twisting their bodies round, they launched themselves spinning into the air to catch the fast-flowing gust sent from their father. The eyes of the harpies started from their unpardonably ugly human faces and they screamed in shock, scattering food and faeces everywhere.

  The other Argonauts ran out into the open and watched as the Harpies were pursued across the sky and out of sight.

  As the brothers told Jason afterwards, it had been a close run thing. The terrified Harpies flapped their wings as hard as they could, covering a huge distance as they flew westwards; but the twins, streaming after them on their swift current of air, eventually caught up with them near to the Floating Islandsfn45. They were on the verge of seizing the seizers when their way was barred by the sudden appearance of a brightly coloured arc in the sky, from whom the rainbow goddess IRIS herself spoke.fn46

  ‘Leave them, Boreads, leave my sisters be. Zeus sent them and only he can choose their fate. Leave them and know that they will harass Phineus no more.’

  So the twins turned back. In honour of this, the Floating Islands became known, as they still are today, as the Strophades, the Turning Islands.

  When their father Boreas dropped them gently back on the ground in Salmydessus, ne
xt to the table, the twins saw that the befouled food had been cleared away and Phineus was enthusiastically gorging on a fresh supply.

  ‘So,’ said Jason, when he had heard about Iris and her promise that Phineus would be left alone. ‘This “obstacle” you claim we must overcome to reach Colchis …’

  ‘Yes, yes,’ Phineus nodded, fig juice dripping from his chin. ‘There is but one way from the Propontis into the Euxine Sea.fn47 You must sail through the narrow strait they call the Symplegades, the Clashing Rocks.’

  ‘We know about those,’ said Jason, annoyed. ‘Nestor, tell him your plan.’

  ‘Any ship that dares to try the channel between the rocks will be smashed to pieces,’ said Nestor. ‘They sense its passage and clash together, crushing anything in their path. So, my plan is that Argus, Tiphys and his men dismantle the Argo into portable sections which we take overland from the eastern shore of the Propontis to the western shore of the Euxine Sea, thus circumventing the Symplegades entirely.’

  Phineus sprayed fruit and bread everywhere as he snorted with derisive laughter. ‘Circumventing, you say? Oh dear me, that’s a good one. Circumventing. The land between, your ‘circumventing land’ bristles with bandits, some of them only half human. They hide in the bushes, shoot arrows and wait for you to die of your wounds. You’ll never see them. For all your crew of musclebound heroes you’d be better turning for home than trying such a foolish thing. Suppose they only got ten of you – that would be ten pieces of your ship you vitally need. Circumvent that.’

  Nestor rubbed his chin. ‘I fear there is much in what he says, Jason. My stratagem is weak, very weak.’

  ‘Very well then,’ said Jason. ‘You say you know how we can get through. Tell us, all-seeing Phineus.’

  They waited for the old man to finish his mouthful of bread. Finally, he swallowed, wiped his sleeve across his mouth and told them.