by Penelope Sky
“I understand why Damien feels the way he does. I understand why his feelings haven’t changed—because he’s not the one in love with you. You’re just a man to him, and there’s no reason for him to feel differently about you…”
“Making you happy is reason enough to me.”
She dropped her hand, her eyes downcast as she stared at her glass. “I don’t think he’ll ever feel differently. So I don’t want to spend whatever time we have left together and then be crushed when I have to leave. It’s already hard enough right now. Imagine doing this years from now.”
“Maybe we won’t have to because he’ll come around.”
“And if he doesn’t, it’ll be devastating.”
“That’s why we have to take the chance, baby. Come on…”
She still wouldn’t look at me, and then she burst into tears. “No.” She sniffed loudly and took a deep breath, closing her eyes so she would stop crying, stop showing her weakness in front of me. “I know him… I know he’s not going to change.”
It killed me to watch her cry. Fucking killed me.
“I’m sorry, but this has to end.”
“No.”
“Yes…” She turned away.
I took a breath and steadied my own tears, knowing I couldn’t give in to the turmoil, let her see my pain…because it would just make it worse for both of us.
Her fingers curled into a fist under her nose as she stifled her sobs, facing the fridge so she wouldn’t have to look at me, let me see her break apart.
I gripped the edge of the counter and stared at the stove, listening to her cry, listening to the sound of my heartbreak echo back at me. It was the first time in my life I’d felt complete, that my life had a purpose, that there was more to life than money, violence, and whores. I had something better than all of that.
And now I had to let it go.
“Don’t make this harder,” she said through her sobs. “For both of us…”
I closed my eyes and felt the tears escape my eyes. I was silent as I felt the tears flow like rivers down my cheeks. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath, feeling the tears reach my lips, drip through the opening of my mouth, and stick to my tongue. I was grateful she couldn’t see me, that she had no idea I’d stifled my own pain so she wouldn’t have to listen to it.
How did I go on after this? How did I live a life without the one person I loved? I’d done terrible things that deserved punishment, but this was too harsh. It was too fucking cruel. She was the reason I became a better man, but I didn’t get to keep her.
It took all my strength to walk out of that apartment.
It took all my strength to leave her behind.
It took all my strength to turn my back on the love of my life…and leave her.
Eight
Catalina
It was different from the first time we broke up.
Because I had no rage to mask my pain.
Now, I just felt the heartbreak, raw and potent, making my hands shake even when I was lying absolutely still. The winter was bitterly cold without his hand on my heart. My life had been decimated with the loss of him. I didn’t know how to move forward even though he’d been in my life for such a short period of time.
But now, everything was different.
The sky looked different.
My heart didn’t beat the same. It didn’t have a steady rhythm, uneven, racing.
I was lost…like I didn’t know who I was anymore.
A week passed, and I didn’t leave the house. Damien didn’t text me, and neither did Anna. So, my time between the couch and the bed continued uninterrupted. The pain in my chest was difficult to describe, the depression a constant blanket of clouds over my ceiling. There was no sunshine…even on a clear day.
I didn’t eat much, but I drank more wine.
I expected texts from Heath, but they never came.
I didn’t text him either, because it would just make it worse.
I just would have to feel this way…until I stopped feeling this way.
When the weekend came, I couldn’t mope around anymore. I couldn’t call in sick either because I’d done that enough over the last few months. If I continued to do it, it would put my job in jeopardy.
I went backstage, got ready, and did my job.
When it was over, the girls wanted to go out, but the last thing I wanted to do was get dressed up to impress men I didn’t care about. I just wanted to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, wait for sleep to pull me under.
But Tracy wouldn’t let that happen. “The sooner you get used to living normally, the easier it’ll become.”
Nothing seemed easy right now. “I don’t think it’s that simple.”
“You gotta start somewhere, Cat.” She sat beside me on the bench. “I brought that purple dress you like. It’ll look so good on you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Not as good as it looks on you. You’ve got those nice tits.”
“Shut up. You have nice tits too.”
“But they aren’t boobalicious.”
She gave me a playful nudge in the side. “Come on, just a few drinks. Then you can go home.”
I sighed.
“You gotta get your feet wet.”
“I don’t want to meet anyone.”
“I know. But you can’t mope around the house forever.”
After we got dressed, we went to the bar with the rest of the girls, but the loud music from the speakers was just obnoxious to me. I missed the silence of my apartment. I missed the solitude. Every time I got a free drink, I wanted to dump it on the floor. Every time someone wanted to make conversation with me, I couldn’t even pretend to be polite.
Tracy had a lot of admirers tonight, probably because she was wearing a backless black dress, showing off her amazing figure. She tried to wave them off, but since she was having such an on night, it was an effort to get rid of them.
“Don’t worry about it, Tracy. You’re fine.”
“I’m not going to leave you.”
“But these guys are hot.” I gave her a squeeze on the arm. “Seriously, I’m fine. I’ll finish this drink and head home. We both know I’ve wanted to leave since the moment I got here.”
She gave a slight chuckle. “Alright. Well, thanks for coming out for a bit. I hope it made you feel a little better.”
“Yeah,” I lied. “A bit.”
She left the table and returned to the guy she’d blown off before, and he was clearly enthused she’d had a change of heart.
I swirled my cosmo and took another drink, but I didn’t intend to linger to finish it all. I had a stockpile of wine at the apartment that I could enjoy in my pajamas. I’d rather be there—alone—than here.
I rose from the chair and started to walk out, to move past the sea of tables with couples and friends drinking. That was when I noticed Heath sitting alone, in a long-sleeved shirt with an untouched drink in front of him, watching me from a distance with a dead expression in his eyes. His strong shoulders sagged, and his eyes were down like he hoped I wouldn’t notice him, like I wouldn’t realize he’d come to my show then followed me here just so he could look at me.
I almost walked out—but I couldn’t.
I walked over to him, stopping when my thigh nearly touched his chair.
He didn’t look at me, as if he was annoyed I’d spotted him.
It was hard to look at his face, see his masculine jawline, the blue color of his eyes. He was the man who’d made love to me every night, the man who loved me with just his look. And now he sat there…unsure what to do with his life now that I wasn’t in it.
My arm hooked around his shoulders, and I lowered myself into his lap, my face nestling into his neck because I couldn’t resist the chance to feel him, to let the affection comfort me.
His arms immediately wrapped around me, hugging me tightly, his chin resting on the top of my head. He took a deep breath, his broad chest rising against my body and making me shift with the moveme
nt. Then he released it, a long deflation of his lungs, his fingers digging into my skin.
Both of my arms were hooked around his neck, holding him close as I took advantage of the effect he had on me, to wash away all my pain, to pause all the agony instantly. I clung to him with no intention of leaving, giving in to the weakness for a little while.
Nine
Heath
The elevator doors opened, and I stepped out onto the top floor of the building.
Balto came down the hallway, his phone beeping when the alarm was disabled, and he probably assumed I’d come for a visit in the middle of the night. He flipped on the lights, wearing his sweatpants without a shirt. “What the fuck, Heath? It’s two in the morning—” He stopped talking when he saw the look on my face. He paused his stride, his eyes shifting back and forth as he looked into mine, and then he continued to walk.
I stood there, my gaze sinking to the floor because I didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to see him look at me.
When he came close to me, he placed his hand on my shoulder, his fingers digging into my flesh to comfort me. He didn’t say anything as he stood there with me, silently understanding that my world had crashed down around me.
“She left me,” I whispered, the words barely escaping my lips. “And this time, she’s not going to come back.” I took a deep breath, my face hurting from the tightness in my jaw and cheeks, not hiding anything from him because I didn’t have to. I could hit rock bottom, and he wouldn’t think less of me.
Balto looked at me for a while before he embraced me, wrapping his arms around me, one palm cupping the back of my neck.
I held my brother, the only person I had in the entire world.
I’d attended her performance because I missed her. I went to the bar because I wanted to see her face. But when I saw how miserable she was, it only hurt me more. Then she came to me…and that embrace was good…but so painful. She sat on my lap for an hour, then silently rose to her feet and walked out.
Leaving me alone again.
Balto held me for a long time, wordlessly embracing me, wordlessly grasping me.
It helped…but not much.
He eventually pulled away and faced me head on. “How can I help?”
I shook my head. “There’s nothing you can do.”
He moved his hands to his hips, standing in front of me. “Damien won’t change his mind?”
“No. I tried talking to him, but that didn’t go anywhere.”
“What if I talk to him?”
“I don’t see what that’s going to do.”
“He respects me.”
It was nice of him to offer, especially when he’d made it clear he wouldn’t interfere in anything after he’d walked away from his responsibilities as the Skull King. And he’d already taken my place…already did enough. “I don’t know… I think it’s a long shot.”
“Let me try.” He pulled out his phone.
“Now? It’s the middle of the night.”
“Work never sleeps, right?” He pulled up Damien’s name and made the call, pressing the phone to his ear, the rings loud enough that I could hear just fine. “He’ll take my call when he sees my name on the screen—even if he knows why I’m calling.”
Damien answered on the fourth ring. “I think I know what this is about, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt.” He sounded slightly sleepy, like he’d just rolled out of bed and he was now walking out of the room so Anna wouldn’t wake up.
“I appreciate the doubt, but your instinct is right.”
He sighed into the phone. “I don’t have a problem with you, Balto. I’d prefer if we kept it that way.”
“Me too. But I care about my brother’s sanity more than our friendship.”
He sighed again. “I know how I feel about Heath. Whatever you’re going to say isn’t going to change that, especially with a phone call.”
“But you respect me enough to let me try.”
He was quiet.
“I’m not going to lie to you to get you to change your mind. So, I’m being honest when I tell you this. Heath is different. He was a heartless tyrant, caring about the profits instead of the people his actions affected. He was such a handful that I threw him in jail for six months to straighten him out. But you know what? He met Catalina—and everything changed. I changed when I met my wife—and he’s changed now that he’s met his.”
Damien stayed quiet.
“Same thing happened with Hades. Same thing happened with you. I know you aren’t the same person anymore—in a good way.”
“I didn’t try to kill an innocent old man…”
“We’re all guilty of a lot of shitty things, Damien,” he said simply. “But Heath is not that person anymore. You’ve got a powerful man who would do anything and everything to protect your sister. Maybe you don’t like him, but you can’t deny there’s no better man to keep her safe, to hunt down anyone who even looks at her the wrong way. You want her to be with some average guy? Then she’s going to have an average life.”
He was still quiet.
“I can personally vouch for him, Damien.”
“I know, Balto. I’ve always liked you, always respected you. You were a good Skull King, listened to reason, understood your subjects. But when I had my argument with Heath about my taxes, he was arrogant, ignorant, and refused to change his mind. So, why should I change mine?”
Balto looked at me as he continued to speak. “He did change his mind, Damien. And he changed it before you even knew about his relationship with your sister. He changed his mind without Catalina even asking him.”
He didn’t have anything to say to that.
“He’s different in every way you can think of, Damien. And if it comes down to it, he’d step down if that’s what you wanted.” Balto assumed without asking, knowing I would sacrifice anything.
“I’d prefer if he stayed the Skull King so I can continue not to pay my taxes. Once he’s replaced, the new king will come after me.”
Balto closed his eyes briefly in annoyance. “Bottom line, Heath will do anything for Catalina, for you, for anybody in your family. Don’t focus on what he did before. Focus on what he can do for you now.”
Damien respected him enough not to snap back like he did with me. “I don’t need him to do anything for me, Balto. The only reason I’ve listened to everything you’ve had to say is out of respect for our past. But now that you’re done, I’m done too. You’re having a kid, right?”
Balto seemed slightly confused. “A boy.”
“Alright. What if you were having a girl…and that girl wanted to marry someone like Heath. What would you say?”
He blinked as he stared at me. “I would want my daughter to be happy, because I’m not always going to be around to take care of her. Damien, you’re going to have your own family someday. Catalina will be someone else’s problem. Wouldn’t you want that man to be—”
“There’re a lot of strong and powerful men out there who could be a suitor for Catalina. There’s only one man I don’t want for her. She can have her pick of the rest.” He hung up.
Balto slowly lowered the phone, sighing in disappointment.
That conversation went as I’d expected it would. “Thanks for trying.”
He slipped the phone into his pocket then looked at me. “Want a drink?”
I nodded. “Yeah…”
I’d been shot.
Stabbed.
Beaten to within an inch of my life.
But nothing had ever felt as bad as this.
Another week passed, and other than work, I didn’t go anywhere.
I lay in bed or watched TV on the couch, my mind usually on the fiery brunette who’d lit my life on fire…then turned it to ice when she left.
I was miserable, worse than miserable.
Balto stopped by often, just to keep me company without actually asking me anything about Catalina. He talked about sports, the baby, Cassini…anything that
had nothing to do with Catalina.
But I thought about her, regardless.
I drank a lot because I had nothing else to do. A week had come and gone since the last time I saw her, and I couldn’t imagine being with another woman, even if two months had passed. I couldn’t even imagine paying for sex, even if it was only physical. How would I ever recover from this? How would I ever enjoy another woman when there was only one I really wanted?
I lay in bed that night, looking at the ceiling as the lights of the city filled my bedroom. I usually closed the electronic drapes, but I hadn’t been sleeping much, so it really didn’t matter.
My phone lit up on the nightstand.
It was never Catalina, so it was hard to be excited about that subtle vibration. But I grabbed it anyway, knowing it could be about work.
It was a notification on my phone—that the garage had opened.
My pulse started to pound in my ears, my heart began to beat erratically. It could be Balto, but it was unlikely that he would show up in the middle of the night and leave his wife unattended.
So it might be her.
Fuck, I hoped it was her.
The house was silent, so I heard the faint sound of the door. Then there were footsteps, growing louder and louder as they approached my bedroom, the tread light, like a small person with a purpose was headed toward me.
I stopped breathing.
My door was open, so she stepped inside, a shadowy silhouette in the darkness. She crept closer to the bed, the lights from the city rising up her body until she stepped completely into the light—and it illuminated her face.
Her gorgeous fucking face.
I sat up slightly, holding up my torso with my elbow against the bed. My eyes stared at her, unsure what happening, unsure if this was even real.
She was in a sweater and jeans, makeup gone from her face as if she’d had no intention of going out when she decided to come to my place. It was impulsive, like she’d missed me so much she couldn’t bear it a moment longer.
I stared, paralyzed, the sheets over my boxers, hiding how hard I was at the sight of her in my bedroom.
