Masquerade

by Nyrae Dawn

  “Your sister wants me to go to her birthday party. I wasn’t sure. I told her—”

  “You should go.” He shrugs.

  “Okay.” I don’t let myself dwell on how quickly that answer came out.

  Maddox raises his hand and cups my cheek before his lips drop to mine softly . . . so very softly. He’s never kissed me like this—with such slow deliberate strokes that turn me inside out.

  He pulls about an inch away from me. “I want you so fucking bad.”

  “I want you too.”

  Maddox presses one more, soft kiss to my lips before he’s grabbing his helmet and putting mine away on the bike. Want. We both want each other but we know it’s not smart to act on it. I hate it but love it at the same time.

  “I’ll see you at Masquerade tomorrow, yeah?”

  “Yeah . . .” My voice is husky.

  Maddox climbs on his bike, puts his helmet on, and nods toward the door. Smiling, I shake my head at him, then go to the door and let myself in. After he pulls away, I realize two things: I still have his jacket, and it felt kind of good to have him want me safe inside before he left.

  Chapter Twenty

  ~Maddox~

  Sitting on my bike in front of Bee’s house, waiting to take her to Laney’s, I try not to think about the fact that her legs will be wrapped around me in a couple minutes. I’ve done good all week not acting on the impulses I felt like at Lunar that night. Done well not imagining her hands on me and my mouth on her and remembering how she felt and wanting more of it.

  Okay, so I thought about it but that’s all. And then . . . there were times we just work at Masquerade or talk like when we started redoing my art portfolios. In those times it’s like we are. Where I don’t fight the attraction or succumb to it either. Times like sitting in my living room drawing pictures of each other where we’re two people like any other. In those moments we’re not keeping distance neither of us wants. We’re not sleeping with each other and then pretending like it didn’t happen.

  It’s easier than I thought. I’ve never really had those things with someone before and there’s a part of me that really likes it. Maybe more than a part. She’s cool, and I’m working toward tattooing. I try not to focus on it all because I don’t want it to go away.

  “Hey. I brought your jacket. Sorry I forgot it all week.” Bee steps up to me.

  “You can use it. I have another one.” I shrug and she slips it on before putting on the helmet and climbing on behind me as though it’s something she’s done a million times.

  The October air feels colder on the bike as we ride toward Laney’s. November’s right around the corner but we’ve had some pretty decent days.

  It doesn’t take long to get there. I wait for Bee to get off the bike before I do. “There’s a little courtyard out back. Laney said they’d be out there.” I grab my bag and start walking with Bee toward my sister’s.

  My sister’s. With Bee. I reach into my pocket to pull out my cigarettes and light one.

  “Haven’t seen you do that in a while.” I wait for more. Wait for her to tell me how disgusting it is or wonder what’s up. She doesn’t do any of it.

  This little pang of regret hits me. This strange part of me that wishes she would have. What the hell is going on with me? I’m taking this girl to a party with my family. The only real family I have and I keep waiting to freak out or to get pissed at myself for doing it but none of it’s coming.

  “Do it when I feel like it.” I shrug, then stop to put the smoke out. Laney will complain and I don’t feel like fighting with my sister today.

  We walk around the building to the courtyard. There are two picnic tables there. The graffiti I’ve seen on them before is covered by tablecloths. Balloons and streamers decorate light posts and trees. Orange and brown leaves are all over the ground, a stereo sits on one of the tables, and the grills are going.

  Laney, Adrian, Colt, and Cheyenne are all standing there with their backs to us, and something makes me stop. Makes me take it in. These people love my sister. They did this for her, and maybe it’s not much for a lot of people but it’s huge for her, which makes it important to me.

  Mom didn’t do shit for our birthdays after Dad got locked up. We were lucky if she acknowledged us, and even though Laney never said it bothered her, I know it did. She’s happy and wants everyone else to be happy.

  My stomach sinks as I take it in, wishing I was the kind of brother who would have thought to do something like this for her.

  “He loves her . . . Most of the time love doesn’t make sense but it kind of does with them,” Bee whispers, and I wonder how she knew what I was thinking. Adrian’s standing behind Laney with his arms around her as they talk to their friends.

  After everything that’s happened, he really fucking loves her and that makes the guilt churn inside me more.

  “She deserves it.” Before I get the chance to walk toward them, Bee grabs my wrist.

  “You’re a good brother. She loves you.”

  Half of her sentence is true. “I know she does.” We’re facing each other. Standing here looking at her, I struggle to remember what I was thinking about. What had me upset because she’s gorgeous and she’s so fucking different from anyone I’ve ever known. I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have her. No . . . She’s not really mine, though, is she?

  Still, I’m glad she’s here. I don’t remember ever really being glad to be around someone like that.

  “Maddy!” Laney yells. “Get your butt over here.”

  Bee’s hand slips off my wrist and I realize I’d forgotten she was holding on to it. “I have a feeling we better go or she’ll come drag us there,” Bee says.

  That makes me laugh. “You know her already.”

  When we get to the tables, I set my bag by the gifts. “Hey.” I hug Laney and then nod at Adrian and Colt. “What’s up?” I say to Cheyenne.

  “How are things going at the shop?” Cheyenne asks. I’ve hardly spoken to her but I know she’s my sister’s best friend and she’s trying to be cool to me because of it.

  “Pretty good. I’m not tatting yet but—”

  “He will be soon,” Bee interrupts. “He’s doing well. He’s a natural. Kind of pisses me off how good he is for a scratch.”

  Everyone except me laughs. Her words were light and playful, yet for me they feel heavy. No, not heavy—deep, important because I want this. Want to be good at this one fucking thing because all I was ever good at was ball and that’s not me anymore.

  “Jealous?” I tease her back.

  “Of what? I taught you everything you know.”

  This time I laugh too. Something makes me wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her to me. “You wish. I’m a natural, remember?”

  “You have a naturally big head.” She tries to pull away. I hold her tighter.

  Bee’s pretending to pout, with her arms crossed and I really want to suck her bottom lip into my mouth. I’ve never seen her act like this before. I don’t want it to stop either.

  Turning, I put my mouth next to her ear. “My head isn’t really a conversation I want to have around my sister.” She tenses and then jerks away. Honestly I’m a little freaked out I just pissed her off but she bends and lets out the biggest laugh I’ve ever heard from her. The sound vibrates through me and I wish I could hit repeat to hear it over and over.

  “What did we miss?” Cheyenne asks.

  “I’m pretty sure you don’t wanna know, Tiny Dancer,” Colt tells her.

  Bee’s still laughing and my skin starts to prick, so I look over and Laney and Adrian are both watching . . . dissecting me. I wish I could put up a shield between us so they can’t find whatever they’re looking for. With Laney, I know what it is. Know that I’m not being like myself right now and she sees it. Or am I being me? Who I used to be?

  That can’t be it because Adrian’s looking for something too. He’s seeing something and he doesn’t know shit about who I used to be.

&nbs
p; “You’re such an ass!” Bee’s voice breaks through me and I turn away to look at her. Tears are on her face she was laughing so hard and damned if it doesn’t feel good. Seeing her that happy and knowing it’s because of something I said makes me want to find a way to do it again.

  I’m sitting on the top of one of the picnic tables with my feet flat on the seat. We finished eating some barbeque not long ago. Colt and Adrian are standing by the stereo talking while Bee, Laney, and Cheyenne are under one of the trees. Laney says something to Bee and then she laughs before shaking her head.

  Laney says something else and then Bee replies and then Cheyenne adds something too. I don’t know why I feel the urge to walk over to them. To find out what they’re talking about to make her smile like that. She looks comfortable with them in a way she doesn’t often look. Yeah she’s strong and confident but she’s also closed off. In the beginning I remember noticing how she seemed to turn her emotions off but they’re shining bright as hell over there right now.

  And they have been lately. At my house and at Lunar and hell even when we sit around Masquerade it’s like she’s showing me new pieces of her. Only she holds back. She hasn’t mentioned the thing with her names again and never talks about her parents, but she’s not locked in the invisible box she was in when I first met her. Her eyes and face are more honest.

  The wind blows and a brown leaf breaks off the tree and falls on her. Bee picks it off her shoulder and looks at it. Studies it like it’s something important.

  Laney says something else to her and Bee smiles before replying, still holding that leaf in her hand. Cheyenne says something to Laney as Bee looks toward the ground, bends over, and picks up another leaf, this one orange. As stupid as it sounds, I feel like I’m interrupting a moment for her—seeing something that’s important, though I don’t get why it would be.

  Then she holds them and launches into some other conversation with Cheyenne. It’s the perfect way for Laney to escape as she turns around and heads my way.

  I’d get up and walk away but I know she’d follow. I feel like an asshole again, because what kind of brother wouldn’t want to talk to his own sister on her birthday?

  “Hey. What are you doing over here all by yourself?” She sits next to me and drops her head to my shoulder. She does that a lot and has since we were kids.

  “Nothing . . .” I feel like I should say more but I don’t know what.

  “She’s great, Maddy. I really like her.”

  With my eyes, I find Bee talking to Cheyenne and holding those leaves in her hand. I like her too. “She’s cool.”

  “She’s strong too. It makes sense. You need a strong girl.”

  I shrug my shoulder and she lifts her head to look at me. “We’re friends, little sister. Don’t start doing that.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Fine. I’ll stop being honest. Actually, after I say one more thing, I will. Today you’ve laughed in a way I haven’t seen you do since we were younger. You’re different and I think you know it too. You like her, Maddy, and she makes you happy. I hope you recognize that and don’t blow it. You deserve to be happy.”

  This is where I’d usually walk away from her. Tell her she’s crazy and an optimist and to stop seeing shit that isn’t there. I don’t do any of it. Instead it’s Laney who stands up. She gets a few feet away when I say, “Hey.” She stops to look at me. “Happy birthday.”

  Laney smiles at me. “Thank you. It is a happy birthday.”

  Shaking my head at her, I get off the table. “I have to piss. I’ll be right back.”

  “Nice, Maddox.” She shakes her head. I start toward their apartment and go to the restroom. As soon as I come out, I hear someone. When I step into the living room, Adrian’s there with the gifts from the table. He had to have come up right behind me.

  “The wind is cold, so we’re coming inside.” He sets them on the small coffee table without looking at me. Not that I blame him. I’m always a prick to him. Even went as far as to follow him out of the state when he found out our dad’s the one who killed his son. Back then we thought Ashton was his nephew. I hit him and called him a pussy for walking away from Laney, not knowing it was his son he’d watched die.

  “Thanks.”

  Adrian looks at me, obviously as surprised at my word as I am.

  “And what’s that for?”

  “For taking care of her. For this party. It means a lot to her.”

  “I know. It doesn’t take much to make her happy.”

  “But you did it. Doesn’t matter if it’s not much, you did it.” And I didn’t. Mom probably didn’t call her even though I have a missed call from her on my cell right now. If I listen to the message, I know it will be bitching at me because she has to know I’m with Laney today.

  There’s more to say but I can’t find the words. I’m saved anyway when the door opens and Bee, Cheyenne, and Colt come in, everyone carrying some of the stuff from outside.

  “Hey, Little Ghost. Let’s open your gifts.” Adrian kisses Laney and she smiles at him. This big fucking smile that holds so much happiness.

  Bee walks over and stands next to me against the wall while Adrian, Laney, Colt, and Cheyenne all sit on the couches and chair around the coffee table. We’re leaning against the wall to the hallway behind the couch.

  “Wanna go sit by her?” Bee asks, but I shake my head.

  “Nah. I’m good here.”

  Laney opens her first present—gift certificates for a dance class from Cheyenne.

  “I need someone to dance with me!” she tells my sister, and I can see from the look in Laney’s eyes that she wants to do it too.

  “I got you something else because I felt all fucked up giving you dance lessons.” Colt nods toward one of the gifts, which Laney opens next. It’s an iTunes gift card to get more music for when she runs, he tells her.

  “I’m giving her my present later.” Adrian nudges her and everyone laughs. I suddenly want to kick his ass again. That’s not the stuff a guy wants to hear about his little sister, even though I know he’s giving us shit. He probably got her something that is perfect for her because that’s how he is with her. It’s fucking crazy to see but I’m glad she has it.

  “In my bag.” I nod toward it and immediately wish I had decided to give her my gift later too. It’s not something I want all these people to see but I can’t be a dick and say anything now.

  Bee scoots closer to me and I glance down at her, wondering how she knew to do that, even though she’s not looking at me.

  Laney grabs my bag and opens it. My body is begging me to walk out of the room as my pulse kicks up. With one of my hands, I dig my nails into my arm as she pulls out the square gift.

  Slowly, like it’s a fucking treasure or something, Laney starts pulling the wrapping paper off. The second it’s open, she freezes, her eyes not leaving what’s in front of her.

  My muscles tighten and I feel eyes on me that aren’t there. Adrian’s looking over her shoulder at the picture in the frame.

  Laney still doesn’t look up, so Adrian says, “It’s a drawing. It’s a beach with a sand castle and two kids next to it. Fuck, this is really good. Did you do this?” He looks at me. Turing from him, I nod.

  “It was my favorite day with all of us together,” Laney’s soft voice breaks through the room. “We were on vacation. Dad had been gone off and on for a while and we finally got to spent time together. Maddy was upset. He didn’t want to go and I didn’t know why.”

  Because it was a lie. I knew it was a fucking lie and Dad was a cheat and a gambler.

  “I was bugging him like I always did. I wanted to have fun and I didn’t get why he was so angry. When we got to the beach, he tried to go off by himself. I wouldn’t let him. I begged him to teach me how to make a sand castle. He said no at first, but then I cried and so he did it.”

  Finally she looks up at me and her eyes are wet with tears. “You always tried to make me happy.”

  Because I was lying to th
e family. Because I was selfish and kept my mouth shut so I could have money for college to play ball.

  When I don’t reply, Adrian asks, “What happened next?”

  He’s like that, I’ve noticed. He wants words, talking in a way I’ve never fucking seen.

  “We built three of them. The first one fell when we were half done and the second got messed up with the water. I told Maddox it was okay and he said no, that we’d make another one. And so we did and it was incredible. Perfect and then we lay next to it like we could somehow protect it. Later, Dad came over and talked to me about it. Maddy left and I told my dad how we made three of them because Maddox wanted me to have the perfect sand castle and Dad said he’d make another perfect one with me too. A few minutes later, Mom tripped on it and it got wrecked.”

  Laney shakes her head. “Which obviously she screwed up on purpose because she was angry that Dad and Maddox were paying attention to me. I cried again and then Mom and Dad walked away and got into an argument. Maddox came back over and said we’d make another one but then we had to leave. We never went back to the beach after that.”

  It wasn’t long after that everything went to shit. Dad got drunk and killed Adrian’s son.

  I shrug. “Thought I’d keep my promise. No one can fuck this one up.” At that I turn for the door, really needing some space for a minute. “I need a smoke. I’ll be right back.”

  Behind me, I slam the door, wanting nothing more than to get the hell out of here.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  ~Bee~

  Laney stands as though she’s going to go after Maddox. Adrian grabs her hand, while at the same time I ask, “Can I go?” I’m not sure what makes me think I will be any good talking with him, but there’s this pull coming from deep within me, drawing me his way.

  “Yeah . . . of course.” She sits back down and I’m already halfway to the door, not quite sure when I even started moving.

  Behind me, I close it softly and walk down the stairs in search of Maddox. There’s a strange tingle in my belly. It’s not quite nerves, though definitely not excitement either. Whatever it is, I concentrate on the fact that I called off Maddox’s sister—the only person he really cares about—so I could go and talk to him myself.