Operation Get Her Back

by Claire Kingsley

  “Okay.” He turns to me. “Could you wait with him while I go talk to Elaine?”

  “Yeah, of course,” I say.

  “I’ll let them know you’re coming,” Erin says. “Someone will bring you back to see her.” She walks away.

  “Hey, big guy,” Hunter says, and rubs Isaac’s back again. “I need to go talk to your grandma for a few minutes, but I’m going to come right back. Then I’m going to take you home to my house. Do you want to come stay with me?”

  Isaac nods, but doesn’t lift his face.

  “Good. Okay, so while I go see your grandma, Emma is going to hang out with you here. You remember Emma, right? We all had ice cream together.”

  Isaac doesn’t move.

  “Bud, I know you don’t want me to put you down, but I promise I won’t leave you,” Hunter says, his voice soft. “You can trust me.”

  Tears sting my eyes, and I swallow hard.

  “Isaac,” I say. Hunter nods and I put my hand on Isaac’s back. “Hey sweetie, can I hold you for a few minutes?”

  Isaac nods again. Without quite lifting his face, he peels away from Hunter and reaches for me.

  My heart breaks into a million pieces. I take him from Hunter and balance him on my hip, my arms around him. He threads his little arms around my neck and puts his face down on my shoulder.

  Hunter rubs his back. “I’ll be right back, buddy.”

  A nurse in blue scrubs is waiting nearby and Hunter follows him out, through a set of wide double doors.

  I lower myself down onto a chair and shrug my purse off my shoulder onto the seat next to me. Isaac settles into my lap, still keeping a death grip on my neck. I sit with him for a while, rubbing slow circles across his back, rocking back and forth in my seat. Slowly, his body relaxes.

  “You’ve had a hard day, haven’t you?” I say.

  Isaac nods.

  “Sounds like you had to wait here a long time. Were you scared?”

  He nods again and I squeeze him tighter.

  “I’m sorry that was scary,” I say. “Uncle Hunter didn’t know what happened. He came as fast as he could.”

  “Is Grandma okay?” he asks in a tiny voice.

  “I don’t know, sweetie,” I say. “But the doctors are taking such good care of her.”

  He trembles and I hug him again. He feels so small and fragile in my arms. I can’t imagine everything he’s been through: losing his parents, being raised by his grandmother. I desperately hope Elaine will get better. I don’t know if he has any other family. This poor, sweet boy has already lost so much. It’s so damn unfair.

  I close my eyes, rocking him slowly, keeping my arms around him. He’s so tiny and innocent, with skinny arms and knobby knees. I want to shield him from all the fear and pain in the world.

  We wait a while before Hunter returns. I can’t see a clock, and I don’t want to let go of Isaac to check my phone, but it must be at least half an hour. He doesn’t move his head from my shoulder, but his arms eventually drop to his sides and his back moves up and down in a slow rhythm. I’m pretty sure he’s sleeping.

  Hunter walks into the waiting room and pauses, looking at us. I give him a little smile.

  “Is he asleep?” Hunter asks, his voice quiet.

  “I think so,” I whisper. “How’s Elaine?”

  Hunter shakes his head. “Not good. She’s going to be here a while. We should get home.”

  I nod. Hunter carefully takes Isaac, who stirs and rubs his eyes.

  “It’s time to go,” Hunter says.

  “Am I going to your house?” Isaac asks.

  “Yeah, buddy.”

  I grab the backpack, and we take Isaac to Hunter’s truck. He gets Isaac strapped into his booster seat, then we both get in the front and ride back to Jetty Beach in silence.

  23 - Hunter

  Isaac is still awake when we pull up to my house. I get him out of the truck while Emma takes his backpack inside. His little arms curl around my neck again as I carry him in.

  I’m still trying to stay in control of the flash of anger I felt when the social worker told me Isaac had been at the hospital for hours. They should have called me, immediately. Elaine had instructions on file with the hospital. Someone should have known. My poor little man must have been terrified. I hope no one said the words “foster home” in his hearing. I’m not sure if he knows what that means, but I don’t ever want him to think that’s an option.

  I put Isaac down on the couch. “I’ll get you something to eat, okay, buddy?”

  He scoots into the corner, tucking his feet beneath him. I give Emma a reassuring smile, and she sits down next to him.

  I go into the kitchen in search of something to feed him. I don’t have much, but he isn’t picky. I pull out some bread and peanut butter.

  “Do you like honey or jelly on your sandwich, bud?” I ask.

  “Honey,” Isaac says.

  I hear a zipper and glance into the living room. Isaac pulls his Spiderman action figure out of his backpack. I’m glad someone thought to pack something for him. I wonder if it was the paramedics or if a social worker went to his house. I’m still not clear on how he ended up at the hospital.

  “Is that your favorite toy?” Emma asks.

  “Yeah.”

  I move so I have a view of the couch while I make his sandwich.

  “What do you like about him?” she asks.

  “Well,” Isaac says, turning his action figure over in his hand and scrutinizing it. “He’s a superhero and he saves people. And he shoots webs.”

  “That is so cool,” Emma says.

  I grab the honey out of the cupboard, glad I still have some.

  “And he’s like me,” Isaac says.

  “How is he like you?” she asks.

  “His parents died, too.”

  My throat closes up. Oh god.

  “That’s very sad,” Emma says, her voice soft.

  “Yeah,” Isaac says.

  “You’re lucky to have someone like your Uncle Hunter to help take care of you,” she says.

  “Uncle Hunter is a superhero, too,” Isaac says, his voice brightening.

  “He is?” Emma says. “How is he a superhero?”

  “He’s big and strong,” Isaac says. “And Grandma says he saved people, like Spiderman. But I don’t think he shoots webs. I think he’s more like Iron Man.”

  This kid is going to make me fucking cry.

  I take a few deep breaths and swallow down the lump in my throat. Just make the damn sandwich, Hunter. Don’t lose your shit in front of these two.

  I cut the crusts off and toss them in the garbage, and put the sandwich on a plate. I’m just about to bring it out to Isaac when I hear his voice again.

  “Are you Uncle Hunter’s girlfriend?” he asks. “I know what that means. When you’re boyfriend and girlfriend it means you like each other more than a friend and maybe you’ll get married.”

  I freeze, my heart suddenly pounding.

  “Um, yeah, I guess I am his girlfriend.”

  I let out a long breath. Phase four. Unfortunately, I think I’m about to sabotage the mission.

  I wait another beat to make sure I have my shit together, and bring Isaac his sandwich. “Here you go, buddy,” I say. “It’s late, so eat this up and then it’s bedtime, okay?”

  He nods and takes a bite of his sandwich.

  I meet Emma’s eyes and nod toward the door. “Hey, can I talk to you out here for a second?”

  She stands and picks up her purse.

  “I’ll be right back, bud,” I say to Isaac.

  Emma follows me outside and I gently shut the door behind her.

  “Sorry our plans got derailed tonight,” I say.

  She shakes her head. “Don’t be. Of course I don’t mind. Isaac is so sweet.”

  I smile, despite the ache in my chest. “Yeah, he’s amazing.”

  “Do you think Elaine is going to be okay?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know.
She’s been having health problems for a long time.” I pause and take a deep breath. I don’t want to do this. I know this is going to push her away. But I have to. It isn’t just about me anymore. “Ems, you should probably head home tonight, instead of staying over.”

  “Oh,” she says, and I can hear the hurt in her voice. “Okay.”

  “It’s just…” How do I explain this to her? “Isaac has lost so much already. I can’t let him get attached to you if I’m not sure that you’re always going to be around.”

  “I don’t know if I understand what you’re saying,” she says.

  I take a deep breath. There’s nothing I can do but be honest. “Emma, when it comes to this”—I gesture back and forth between the two of us—“I’m all in. I’m in this for the long haul, and I mean that. But I know you aren’t there yet. I’m willing to be patient and give you as much time as you need. I can’t stand the thought of losing you. But,” I say, taking another breath, “I’ve already talked to Elaine about taking custody of Isaac, permanently. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. Even if she gets better, Isaac is five. She can’t do this for the next thirteen years. But I can. And if I’m going to do that, I’m going to make a commitment to him, and that commitment has to be forever. I want this, and I want you to be a part of it, but I know I can’t ask that of you right now. I want to be what you need, but I have to be what Isaac needs, too. And he needs stability, and people in his life who are going to stay.”

  She opens her mouth, but doesn’t say anything. I know it’s too much. She’s barely able to admit we’re dating again. I feel so hollow inside, but I don’t have a choice.

  “I know this is huge,” I continue. “It might seem like it’s coming out of nowhere, but I knew this day was coming. You have to understand what Isaac has been through. He lost his mother when he was born. His dad died when he was so young he’ll barely remember him. He has no one else. If someone doesn’t step in and be a fucking man for this kid, he’s going to turn out like me, only worse. I was redeemable. He won’t be.”

  “Hunter, what are you saying?” she asks. “That we either get married, or break up?”

  “No, that’s not what I mean,” I say. But fuck, Emma, I’d marry you tomorrow. “But what do you think will happen if you stay tonight, and the three of us have breakfast together tomorrow? And the next day? We play with him at the park, take him to school, tuck him into bed at night together? He’s going to think we’re a family. That this is his life now, and you’re in it. What happens if that changes? What happens if you decide this isn’t what you want? That we aren’t what you want? If it was just me, I’d wait it out. I’d wait another ten years for you if that’s what it took. But Isaac doesn’t have that luxury. He needs people in his life who are going to stick. He’d be devastated to lose you. He’s lost too many people already.”

  “Damn it, Hunter, what am I supposed to say?” she asks. “That I’m ready to jump in head first? I’m not.”

  I grind my teeth. I want to grab her and kiss her until she relents. I want to push her up against the door and overwhelm her so she can’t say no. But I can’t. I can’t make her stay.

  “Why are you so closed off to the possibility that this is real?” I ask, my voice laced with frustration. I’m trying to hold everything in, but my control is slipping.

  “Gee, I wonder,” she says. “I was convinced of it once, and look what happened.”

  I look away.

  “You left me, Hunter.” Her eyes glisten with tears. “You left me in the middle of the night, with no warning, no goodbye. For all I knew, you were dead.”

  “I know I made a mistake—”

  “It was much more than a mistake,” she says. “And you still won’t tell me why.”

  I look down at the ground. I can’t. She wants the truth, and I can’t give it to her. She’ll never look at me again if she knows.

  “Still no?” she says. “I don’t think you have any idea what you did to me when you left. It destroyed me. I was a wreck for so long, and I never really got over it. I’ve been carrying that around with me for a decade. And I hate it. I hate myself for being ruined by you. I can’t let you do that to me again.”

  Before I can say another word, she storms off to her car.

  Fuck.

  I lean back against the door and watch her go. My heart starts to race, and my chest tightens. I need to calm down. I wait until her tail lights disappear, taking deep breaths to slow my heartbeat. I’d like to drown my frustration in whiskey tonight, but that’s out of the question. I have a little boy to take care of now.

  Inside, Isaac’s plate is on the coffee table, nothing left but crumbs. His backpack is on the couch next to him and he’s playing with his action figures in his lap.

  “Hey buddy,” I say. “It’s time for bed.”

  “Where’s Emma?”

  “She went home,” I say.

  “She doesn’t live here with you?” he asks.

  “No, bud, she doesn’t,” I say. “Emma’s just a friend of mine.”

  His eyes are a little red and his lids droop low. He looks so tired. I take him to the bathroom and help him brush his teeth, then we find a pair of green camo pajamas in his backpack. He climbs into the extra bed, and I pull the covers up to his chin.

  “Will you lie down with me?” he asks.

  “Sure,” I say. I get onto the bed next to him and lie on my side. He curls up against me, leaning his head on my arm. He smells like fresh cut grass and toothpaste.

  “Uncle Hunter?” he says, his voice sleepy.

  “Yeah, buddy?”

  “I wish you were my dad.”

  I close my eyes against the flood of tears and swallow hard. I wrap him in my arms and hold him tight, kissing the top of his head. I’m too choked up to answer.

  Me too, buddy. Me too.

  23

  Emma

  I never should have come back to this stupid town.

  My clothes are strewn all over the bed, some folded, others in a loose pile. I emptied the closet, and my dresser, but the resulting mess is almost debilitating. My one suitcase is already full, and I didn’t save any moving boxes.

  I should have. This was only supposed to be temporary—a place to crash for a few weeks while I figure things out. Instead, I’ve been living with my brother for months, and sleeping with the man who crushed my soul when I was eighteen.

  What the fuck was I thinking?

  I need to get out of here. I have no idea where I’m going to go, but staying in this town is not an option.

  My phone buzzes with a text and my heart nearly skips. Is it Hunter? But it’s Ashlyn.

  Plans tonight? Wanna hang out?

  I hesitate, wondering what to say to her. Sure. I could use some girl time. Life sucks.

  Say no more. Be there shortly.

  There’s a soft knock on the bedroom door, and Gabe peeks in through the crack. “What’s going on in here? Reorganizing all your stuff?”

  I keep folding. “I’m packing.”

  “Going somewhere?”

  “I’m moving out.”

  He opens the door a little wider and leans against the frame. “Any particular reason?”

  I stop, dropping a shirt onto the pile. “I shouldn’t have come back here in the first place.”

  “What happened?” he asks. “Did Hunter…”

  “No, he didn’t disappear or anything,” I say. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Gabe. I was supposed to be putting my life back together. All I’ve done is make it worse.”

  I snatch the shirt back off the pile and start folding furiously again.

  “Come on,” Gabe says, putting a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t you leave this for now. I’ll open some wine.”

  I let out a heavy sigh. “Fine.”

  I follow him out to the living room and he gets us each a glass of Pinot Noir. He sits down on the other side of the couch. We sit in silence for a while, sipping our win
e. I’m glad he doesn’t ask questions right away. He deserves to know what’s going on, but I feel so out of control.

  A few minutes later, there’s a knock at the front door.

  “That’s probably Ashlyn,” I say.

  “Are you in the mood for visitors?” Gabe asks.

  “Yeah, it’s fine,” I say. “I invited her.”

  Gabe gets up to let her in. She’s wearing an oversized t-shirt that drapes off one shoulder, and a pair of bright blue leggings.

  “Wine?” Gabe asks.

  “Definitely,” she says, coming around to sit on the couch next to me. “What’s up with the life sucks stuff? Is this about Hunter?”

  Gabe hands her a glass and takes a seat in the chair next to us.

  Where do I even begin? “I moved back here to get my shit together. I wanted to find who I am again, and figure out what I want out of my life. None of my plans have worked out the way I thought. I wanted to pick up the pieces and start over. But I feel like I’m right back where I was ten years ago.”

  “He didn’t take off again, did he?” Ashlyn asks.

  “No, he didn’t,” I say. “But why did I start seeing him again in the first place? It’s Hunter. I don’t know if I’ve ever been honest with either of you about how much he hurt me when he left. I literally got up one day, and he was gone. His family didn’t know where he went. He left them a note, but he didn’t say a word to me. His mom called me in a panic that morning. She thought maybe he and I ran off together. I’ll never forget how terrified she sounded when I told her I didn’t even know he was gone.”

  I take a sip of wine. Ashlyn and I were friends back then, but I’ve never shared the whole story with anyone.

  “At first, we thought he might have committed suicide. His note didn’t say what he’d done or where he’d gone. It just said he was sorry. What the fuck did that mean? We were literally searching for a body. I’ve never been so scared in my life. Eventually, someone contacted his parents and they found out he’d enlisted in the Marines. But it would still be months before they heard from him directly. Months. It was like he walked off the face of the Earth, as if none of us were still here to care what had become of him.”