Beyond Always (Lex and Amanda Series)

by Carrie Carr

  Amanda came into the bedroom and sat beside them. With her arms around both Lex and Lorrie, she gave them what comfort she could.

  HOURS LATER, WITH the house dark and quiet, Lex dozed on her back with Amanda snuggled against her side until a soft voice woke her. "Hmm?"

  "Momma?" The voice was accompanied by a light touch to her cheek. "Are you awake?"

  Lex opened her eyes. "Mel?"

  She carefully moved Amanda and glanced at the clock. It was close to three in the morning. Always a heavy sleeper, her wife continued to sleep. "What's the matter?"

  Melanie's eyes were large in the blue light from the alarm clock. "Lorrie's crying, but she won't let me come in."

  "She's what?" Lex scooted to a sitting position. She swiped a hand across her face and rubbed her eyes.

  "I had to go to the bathroom and I could hear her crying. But her door was closed and she told me to go away when I knocked." Melanie looked as if she was about to cry as well.

  Lex opened her arms. "Come here, sweetheart." She pulled Melanie into her arms. "It's all right."

  Amanda stirred and rolled over. "What's going on?"

  "Mel heard Lorrie crying."

  "Damn. I was afraid of that." Amanda rose and turned on the lamp beside her. "I'll go check on her." She put on her robe and finger-combed her hair. She gestured to Melanie. "Do you want to...explain?"

  "Sure. Go ahead." Lex hugged Melanie as Amanda left the room. "Mel? Lorrie's sad, but she'll be okay, I promise."

  Melanie looked up. "How come she's sad? Is she in trouble?"

  "No, baby." Lex leaned against the headboard. "It's about your Grandpa Jake. He passed away today."

  "He died?"

  Unable to speak, Lex nodded.

  "Then how come Lorrie's sad? Grandpa is in heaven, isn't he?"

  "Umm, yeah. But she's sad because she'll miss him, honey. That makes you sad, doesn't it?"

  Melanie thought for a moment. "Uh-huh. But it's good, too."

  Now Lex was completely confused. "It is?"

  "I remember when Grandpa Travis died, even if I was a little kid then." Melanie traced the scars on the back of Lex's hand. "I was worried that he'd be alone in heaven and wouldn't have anyone to play with."

  The conversation made Lex's head spin. No matter how long she tried, she decided she'd never really quite understand the mind of a little girl. Especially this one. "And now he does, right?"

  "Yeah. I know that Gramma will be sad, but we'll make her less sad. But now Grandpa Travis has his friend with him."

  Lex hugged her daughter. "You're very smart, Melanie Leigh. I'm so proud of you."

  AT THE END of the hall, Amanda knocked lightly on their eldest child's door. "Lorrie?" When she didn't get an answer, she opened the door and peeked inside. What she saw broke her heart.

  Lorrie was curled beneath the covers of her bed. Her stuttering sobs were the only indication that she was awake.

  Amanda walked to the bed and sat. She pulled the covers back far enough to see her daughter. "Oh, honey. Come here."

  Lorrie placed her head onto her mother's lap and wrapped her arms around Amanda's waist. She cried so hard that she began to hyperventilate. "Wh...why did he...di...di...die?"

  Trying to hold herself together, Amanda continued to stroke Lorrie's dark hair. "Sssh. It's going to be okay."

  "B...b...but..."

  "Honey, slow down and try to breathe."

  Amanda tugged on Lorrie's arms and helped her sit up. She continued to hold her, but now Lorrie was against her chest. "That's it. Slow breaths, in and out."

  Lorrie coughed, gasped and finally inhaled deeply. When she felt her mother wipe her face with a tissue, she took it and blew her nose. "T...th...thanks."

  She was able to release a shaky breath and wipe her eyes. "Why does it hurt so much? I didn't feel like this with Grandpa Travis and he lived with us."

  "We can't control how we feel, honey. There's no right way or wrong way to grieve." Amanda wiped her own cheeks free of moisture. It broke her heart to see Lorrie so upset. "But part of the hurt could be from you growing up. Remember that talk we had a few months ago?"

  "Uh-huh. Is that why I cry at stupid things?"

  "It's part of it. But don't worry, things will get better, I promise."

  Lorrie didn't look too convinced. "If you say so."

  "I do."

  "Mom?"

  "Yes?" Amanda brushed the hair away from Lorrie's face. "What is it?"

  "Can I, umm," Lorrie looked down, unable to meet her mother's gaze. She wanted to be independent, but desperately needed comforting, too. "Can I sleep with you and Momma? Just for tonight?"

  Amanda hugged her. "Of course you can. You never have to doubt that, honey." She slid off the bed. "Come on. I have a feeling we're going to have a full bed."

  FOR ANNA LEIGH, it was the end of a very long day. She sighed and leaned against the closed door, relieved to have finally gotten rid of the solicitous Reverend Hampton. At the sound of the raised voices coming from the kitchen, she pushed away from the front door.

  On her way to the kitchen, Anna Leigh felt torn. As much as she wanted privacy to grieve, another part of her was frightened of being alone after almost sixty years of marriage. She closed her eyes as she approached the doorway. She could hear Michael arguing with Jeannie.

  "No, Jeannie. She's my responsibility."

  Jeannie's voice quivered as she tried to keep from crying. "Daddy, stop. You can't just run roughshod over everyone. I think she'd be better off at our house."

  Anna Leigh stepped into the kitchen, causing the conversation to come to a halt. "I don't suppose I have any say in what I do?"

  Michael stood from the table and took his coffee cup to the sink. "Of course you do, Mom. We were just--"

  "Making my decisions for me." Anna Leigh stopped at the table where Jeannie, Rodney and Lois sat. She rested her hand on her granddaughter's shoulder. "I appreciate everything you've done today, truly. But I would really like some time to myself."

  Rodney moved away from the table and kissed Anna Leigh on the cheek. "That's the politest get-the-hell-out I've ever heard. Our offer stands, though. If you need or want company, give me a call."

  "Thank you." She hugged him, then Jeannie. She touched her granddaughter's cheek after they pulled apart. "I'll be fine."

  "Would it be all right if I came to see you in the morning?"

  Anna Leigh nodded. "Of course. But only if the roads are clear. I don't want you to risk it, otherwise."

  Rodney put his arm around Jeannie. "Don't worry. My SUV can wade through just about anything, and I can drop her off on my way to the office." He stopped. "If that's okay."

  "Certainly."

  Michael put his clean mug on the dish drainer beside the sink. "Mom, I really don't think you need to be alone at a time like this. Everyone in town now knows about Dad, and you have no way to protect--"

  Lois had been quiet long enough. "Michael, stop."

  She gave her mother-in-law an apologetic glance, before getting to her feet. "We're going home."

  When Michael opened his mouth to argue, she held up her hand to silence him. "Now."

  His face reddened. "Hold on, I'm--"

  Anna Leigh cut him off. "Lois is right. It's time for you to go home, dearest." She softened her voice. "I appreciate your concern. But please give me this time."

  Michael lowered his head. "Of course. I'm sorry." As the others left the kitchen, he stopped and put his arms around his mother. "I...I don't know what to say, Mom. I never thought this day would come so soon." His voice cracked on the last word.

  "Nor did I, darling." Anna Leigh buried her face against his chest.

  ONCE HER FAMILY left, Anna Leigh trudged up the stairs. The silence covered her like a heavy fog. She stopped at the door to the bedroom she had shared with Jacob. Someone had straightened the floral comforter and folded the quilt she had covered herself with earlier.

  She stepped across the room to
the adjoining bathroom. Stacked neatly on one side of the dual sinks were five mini-towers of pennies. They were next to a half-empty bottle of aftershave, a deodorant stick and a short, plastic black comb. Anna Leigh opened a drawer and removed a paper tube.

  "He probably forgot to roll these, with all the excitement of Christmas," she muttered as she expertly placed the pennies in the tube. The bottom of the tube opened and pennies spilled across the counter.

  "Damn it!" Anna Leigh threw the remaining pennies, along with the roll, against the wall. When the curse tumbled from her mouth, she immediately covered her lips with a shaking hand. "Oh, Jacob." She cried as she took a navy, cotton bathrobe from a nearby hook. "I don't think I can survive without you." She wrapped herself in the robe and stumbled from the room.

  She went to his side of the bed, not bothering to turn down the blanket. Fully clothed and covered with his heavy robe, she curled against Jacob's pillow and sobbed.

  Chapter Four

  THE PRESSURE AGAINST her ribcage woke Amanda. For a long moment, she thought she was dreaming about being pregnant, until she realized the nudge came from outside her body. She slowly opened her eyes and had to cover her mouth to keep from giggling and waking everyone.

  At some point during the night, Lex had brought Eddie to bed with them. He was lying with his face on Lex's chest, a puddle of drool making her blue T-shirt stick to her body. The overalls he had worn to bed were missing, as was one of his socks. His feet were tucked against Amanda and he had a handful of Lorrie's hair.

  Lorrie was curled in a ball with her head against Lex's belly while Melanie lay on her stomach, draped on the lower part of Lex's legs.

  Another nudge to her ribs made Amanda roll off the bed and hurry to the bathroom. When she returned, Melanie sat up. She opened her mouth, but Amanda softly shushed her and helped her from the bed. "Let's get your robe and slippers, okay?"

  "'Kay." Half-asleep, Melanie took Amanda's hand.

  In her room, Melanie found her bright pink robe at the foot of her bed. She pulled it on and looked around for her slippers, but didn't see them. "Mommy, I don't know where my slippers are."

  Amanda had her back to her daughter. A handmade, wooden box on Melanie's art table caught her eye. She picked it up carefully, as a sad smile touched her lips at the elegantly carved initials on the lid. "Oh, Grandpa."

  She felt a tug on her nightgown and turned to see Melanie looking up at her.

  "Are you still sad about Grandpa?"

  "Yes, I am." Amanda moved to the bed and sat at the foot.

  "Are you always gonna be sad?" Melanie climbed up beside her mom. "I'm gonna miss Grandpa." She snuggled closer when Amanda's arm went around her shoulders.

  "I know, sweetie. I will, too." Amanda kissed the top of her head. "And, yes, in a way I'll always be sad that he's gone. But he'll be in my heart forever."

  Melanie looked up and saw the tears in her mother's eyes. "Will I be in your heart, too?"

  The question was so innocent and sincere that Amanda's laugh came out as a half-sob. "Oh, honey. Of course you will."

  She hugged Melanie and rocked her.

  "MOMMA."

  SMALL HANDS squeezed Lex's cheeks and caused her to open her eyes. The close proximity of Eddie's face startled her. "Huh?"

  "Momma." Eddie giggled and lightly clapped her face. "Momma!"

  Lex groaned and sat up. She and Eddie were the only ones left on the bed, and from the odor that emanated from him, they had been alone for quite some time. "Whoa, buddy. That can't be comfortable. Let's get you cleaned up."

  "Uck."

  "Come on." Lex stood and picked him up, frowning at the horrid smell. "What did Mada feed you yesterday?" she asked, as she crossed the hall to his room.

  "Mada yum."

  Lex placed him on the changing table, and went about taking care of his diaper. "You know, you're looking a lot like your Uncle Hubert."

  He giggled and reached for her hands as she fastened his clean diaper.

  "And don't tell anyone I said this, but I miss him."

  During the past year, Lex and her brother, Hubert, had become very close, especially after he and Ramona were married and moved into a house in Somerville. Not long after Halloween, Ramona's father had suffered a stroke, and Hubert went to Oklahoma to help his wife take care of her father's business.

  "I think I'll give him a call sometime today."

  Although it was pretty much one-sided, Lex enjoyed the conversation with her son. Once Eddie was clean and covered, she raised him above her head. "One of these days, you're gonna be too big for me to do this, kiddo."

  Eddie laughed and cheered as he was flown around the room. His cheers stopped when Lex lowered him to the floor. "No! More, Momma!"

  "Sorry, but the airport is closed on account of it being old and out of breath." Lex coughed and cleared her throat. "Why don't we go see what we can scrounge up for breakfast? How does that sound?"

  "Yum!" Eddie danced in place and clapped. "Momma, go!"

  She groaned and lifted him up to her hip. "Yeah, yeah. I'm just your packhorse, aren't I?"

  "Go!"

  "All right, your highness." Lex carried him from the room and headed downstairs.

  Halfway down, Eddie heard voices in the kitchen and began to wriggle in Lex's arms. "Mommy!" He pointed toward the kitchen.

  Lex tightened her grip. "Settle down, son. We'll get there soon enough."

  She grinned at Amanda, who met them at the doorway to the kitchen. "I think you've been summoned."

  "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"

  Amanda held out her hands and grunted as he lunged. "Whoa!" She smothered Eddie's face with kisses. "Did you have a good sleep, honey?"

  She turned her attention to Lex. "I was just on my way to check on you."

  "Your timing could use some work." Lex kissed her on the cheek. "I already changed his diaper."

  She walked into the kitchen, which was empty. "Where are the girls?"

  "Lorrie's in her room, as usual." Amanda sat at the table and watched her wife pour two cups of coffee as she settled Eddie in his high chair. "Mel's next door. They're making a big batch of breakfast burritos to take to town. Martha's afraid it's going to be a madhouse at Gramma's today."

  Eddie slapped at the tray. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy."

  "What do you want for breakfast? Hmm?" Amanda asked, as Eddie smacked his lips. "Oatmeal and fruit?"

  "Yum."

  Lex took the requested items from the refrigerator.

  "How are you holding up?" she asked her wife gently as she made their son's breakfast. Barred from the kitchen in her younger days, Lex had now gained enough skills to take care of the kids' needs.

  "I think I'm still in shock. I mean, I know he wasn't going to be around forever, but to lose him like this is just..." Amanda took the bowl from Lex and placed it in front of Eddie. "Unreal."

  "Yeah, I know." Lex stood beside her chair and rested her hand on Amanda's shoulder. "I wish there was more I could do for you."

  She cringed as Eddie dug into the bowl with gusto. In only seconds, he was covered with the sticky substance and enjoying every minute of it.

  Amanda leaned against her. "You're doing it. Would you mind keeping an eye on him, while I check on Lorrie?"

  "Let me go upstairs. You're looking a bit ragged."

  "I'd argue with you, but you're right. Thanks."

  "Sure thing, sweetheart."

  Eddie waved his spoon around. "Momma!"

  Laughing, Lex carefully bent to kiss the only clean spot she could reach on him: the top of his head. "Be good for Mommy, kiddo."

  "Ha! Yum."

  AT THE KNOCK on her door, Lorrie turned around in her desk chair. "Go away, Mel. I mean it!"

  "I'm not Mel." Lex's voice was quiet, but firm.

  "Crap." Lorrie placed her spiral notebook in the top drawer of her desk and quickly slammed it closed. "Come in."

  Lex stepped into the room and stood not far from Lorrie. "How are you doi
ng, kiddo?"

  Lorrie shrugged and turned around to stare out the window.

  Another step and Lex stood directly behind her. She laid her hand on Lorrie's shoulder and waited quietly.

  It took several minutes, but Lorrie was the first to break the silence. "This sucks."

  "Yeah, it does."

  "Everybody dies, though."

  "Yep."

  Turning around, Lorrie looked up at Lex. "I don't want you or Mom to die."

  "Sweetheart." Lex dropped to one knee beside her chair. "We don't plan on dying anytime soon."

  Lorrie frowned at her. "Neither did Grandpa." She released a heavy sigh. "Do I have to go to the funeral?"

  "Um, well. No, I guess not. Why?"

  "'Cause it's gonna take forever and be boring." Lorrie started to turn her chair back around, but was stopped by Lex. "What?"

  "Get your boots and jacket on. We're going to check the horses."

  "I don't want--"

  Lex stood. "I didn't ask what you wanted."

  She walked toward the door. "Meet me downstairs in five minutes."

  The callous attitude of her daughter made Lex so angry that she needed time to cool down. The barn had always been a place of comfort for her and the repetitive brushing of the horses had a soothing effect. She'd need something to do in order not to lose her temper.

  Once her mother left, Lorrie stuck out her tongue at the closed door. "Stupid horses."

  FIVE MINUTES LATER, Lex was dressed and waiting by the back door with Amanda as Eddie kept them entertained. One of his new favorite pastimes was to race down the hall and hit the front door with the palms of his hands. Then he'd laugh, turn around, and run the other direction.

  Several heavy thumps from upstairs caused Lex to grind her teeth together. "I ought to go up there and--"

  "Hold on." Amanda kept a firm grip on her wife's arm. "This is a rough time for her, honey."

  "It's hard for everyone. But she seems to be the only one who's being a pain in the ass about everything."

  "Lex--"

  Lorrie charged down the stairs and almost ran down Eddie, who let out a loud wail. She caught him by his arm to keep him from falling.

  "Sorry, Eddie."

  His cry quickly stopped. "Leelee!"

  "Yeah, yeah." Although Lorrie tried to keep up her air of indifference, she couldn't resist the gleeful plea from her little brother. She picked him up and rested him against one hip before joining her parents. "I'm ready."