Flirtation on the Hudson

by J. F. Collen

  Elmer stiffened to attention; hand still on Nellie’s gloved hand.

  “Sir, with due respect, sir! This is my drag for the soiree and its attendant events, sir!” Elmer made an attempt to stick up for himself.

  “Check the Ladies’ dance card, you neophyte,” commanded the First Cadet. “For the fifth dance, it lists ‘Armistead L. Long.’ As you are no doubt painfully aware, this is a superior officer before whom you stand.”

  Armistead stepped around the still-confused-looking Otis and took Nellie’s hand, leading her to the dance floor. Long smiled down at her. “My dear, you cannot be expected to dance this here Virginia reel without a true Virginian.”

  A Virginia ham by the size of his ego! Poor Agnes, Nellie thought. Why is this cadet dancing with me when Agnes is so clearly smitten with him? Nellie looked around for Agnes, and spotted her next to the punch bowl in conversation with yet another cadet.

  “You are a splendid dancer, much too good for Otis. Howsoever, I have not come to court you, I have come to ask for your advice.” The tall cadet leaned in and swept her around the floor. Such a graceful dancer and he only wants my advice?

  Surprised, Nellie stepped back, and almost do-si-doing into the couple making an arch next to them. “Don’t be alarmed, I simply learned that you are the sister of the lovely Anastasia and the enticing Agnes.” The smooth dance moves of Long were unbroken by his dubious dialogue.

  Enticing Agnes? That’s a fine kettle of fish.

  Nellie covered her surprise by replying, “Yes, brilliant deduction. However, I am quite befuddled as to why you seek my counsel.”

  “I cannot decide which lady suits me better!” Nellie looked up at him in surprise but the cadet was staring at her two sisters, head moving back and forth as if watching a child’s game of shuttlecock.

  “For what purpose?” blurted Nellie.

  “Why to give my spoony button, of course!” The cadet looked at her as if he suddenly discovered she was half-witted.

  Nellie burst out laughing. Long looked offended.

  “I beg your pardon for my outburst. I am overcome with shock. Methinks it might require more investment of time than just a few, paltry turns around the dance floor with each of my sisters for you to discern which sister’s beauty, temperament, and personality most suit you,” Nellie said.

  “No doubt that is a fine flowery speech, but I will be graduating in June and will return to my home state of Virginia. I must have my bride accompany me,” said Armistead with a pleading look on his face.

  “I am afraid I cannot determine the fate of my sisters,” declared Nellie. Armistead’s face fell; he looked crestfallen and hopeless. Nellie’s heart softened. “Ahem, well, has either sister returned your affections?”

  “I am afraid I lack the know-how to ascertain that information, I confess. I have no sisters, and no experience with your fair sex. Howsoever, I will rectify this deficiency tonight. I will make one of them my Oh An’ Oh,” declared Long.

  At Nellie’s blank stare he explained, “My ‘one and only.’ Perhaps you could monitor the affections of your sisters as we circle the dance floor and then report back to me.”

  “You make a preposterous request that I will not honor,” declared Nellie.

  Armistead stepped back and stopped dancing. The couple behind them stepped on Nellie’s foot, and their whole reel derailed. In the ensuing commotion and flurry of apologies Armistead stood looking confused. Nellie felt sorry for the man, in spite of crippling pain in her small toe. It is undeniably broken, she diagnosed. The other couple rejoined the formation and danced away. Nellie stood facing Armistead thinking this dance is an eternity longer than even the ones with Elmer.

  Against her better judgment, and motived by compassion for the dejected, indecisive character standing before her, Nellie said, “Whilst I cannot tell you which of my sisters you should ‘spoony button’ I am willing to observe their countenances while they dance and inform you if either of them appears smitten with you.”

  “I owe you a lifetime of gratitude,” said Armistead. He bowed and turned on his heel, leaving her facing a new partner in the last advance and retire of the reel. That was rather abrupt! Nellie thought as she watched him sprint toward Anastasia, breaking in on her dancing partner as the last strains of the fiddle hung in the air.

  Elmer immediately appeared at Nellie’s side. “No more dancing with other cadets,” he decreed.

  Nellie looked down at her dance card, tied with a pretty pink ribbon around her wrist. Only the name ‘Zetus S. Searle’ remained, but Nellie believed he was the stocky cadet who had danced repeatedly with Anastasia. A rather sad state of affairs, she thought, battalions of men and I cannot scare up a dance partner save Elmer and a cadet not only not remotely interested in me, but also simultaneously pursuing both my sisters?

  When Elmer saw only Searle listed on her card he steered her to the punch bowl. Nellie made polite conversation, dredging up interesting facts about West Point drilled into her head by her mother. She offered them to Elmer a tad more willingly when she saw how delighted he was to receive them. The bits of history she communicated sparked Elmer into almost interesting conversation.

  “What ‘nanty narking’! Who says you even have to dance to have fun at a cotillion?” he asked, his wide smile making his face not displeasing.

  Mercy, this is a cruel blow. Tarnation, it is a waltz, Nellie thought. The introduction to Guntswerber, the new composition of Johann Strauss II, played softly, the music gathering momentum. Another cadet bowed before her and Nellie’s hopes rose.

  “Mistress Entwhistle?” he asked. Nellie nodded. “I am Zetus S. Searle. I requested a dance on your dance card....” Nellie handed Otis her punch cup. “...But I am loath to fulfill my obligations.” Nellie’s face must have registered the shock and chagrin she felt. The cadet rushed on at a pace ill-suited to his southern accent. “My word, my tongue is quite higgledy-piggledy. I humbly apologize for my befuddlement. But I must advise I am too smitten with your fair sister Anastasia to risk trespassing her good nature, even to fulfill an obligation assumed before I made her enchanting acquaintance. Since you are her sister, I am sure you will grant me your understanding.”

  Nellie sighed. She nodded her head in agreement, not trusting her voice to conceal her disappointment. Cadet Searle bowed again and hurried back to Anastasia.

  Nellie resigned herself to tapping her feet from the sidelines. But then she rebelled. Why must I be deprived of an opportunity to engage in my favorite activity? She attempted coquetry. “I do so love to dance. Perhaps you could find it in your heart to chance another turn around the floor with me?”

  Elmer looked unsure.

  A passing cadet gave Nellie an appreciative appraisal. He sized Elmer up and growled, “Request the honor of a dance with the lady, you cur.”

  Nellie tried not to giggle. She decided to help Elmer save face. “I’ll strike a bargain with you. I will regale you with all the Academy history I have learned through the careful tutelage of my mother if you promise to soldier on and escort me in a few more turns on the dance floor.”

  She checked her dance card. “The next dance is a lancer, so it should be rather easy to glide around the floor,” she said, trying to sweeten the pot.

  “It’s a deal!” Elmer said with genuine enthusiasm. Delighted, Nellie bit back a wince as Elmer stepped on her foot yet again when they entered the stream of dancers. True to her word, she continued to chatter while they circled the dance floor, and found it prevented her from counting how many times Elmer kicked her in the shins.

  “Halt!” said a voice behind Nellie. Startled, she stopped, making Elmer step on her foot and kick her shin, a dance combination he had not mastered before.

  “Aw, don’t make trouble Magruder,” said Elmer, trying to lead Nellie in the opposite direction. Nellie turned and stared at the cadet.

  “Plebe! Has one night of festivities caused you to forget how to speak to your superiors?” barked the cade
t. Elmer froze, crimson red creeping up from his gray uniform collar.

  “Good evening First Cadet William T. Magruder, sir.” Elmer spat the words. Nellie thought the cadet looked familiar.

  The cadet’s face was a thundercloud. But then he glanced at Nellie, who was frowning. “Unhand that young lady,” the cadet commanded. “She is far too high for your nut.” Elmer reluctantly stopped trying to pull Nellie away and dropped his hands to his sides. Mercy! It is the cadet from the dock who retrieved my glove. He certainly looks dash-fire without his spectacles.

  “Attention!” the cadet barked.

  Elmer snapped to attention stance.

  “Were you or were you not ‘Absent Without Leave’ on Friday last, and spotted at Benny Havens’ Tavern?” shouted the cadet. He leaned his massive body so menacingly close, his nose actually touched Otis’s.

  “But sir, I....”

  “A simple yes or no answer is required here.”

  Elmer hung his head. “Yes, sir.” He almost whispered.

  “Guilt established. I am plumb certain this will be more painful to me than to you,” said William Magruder with a sarcastic grin. “However, as a First Year, it is my duty to place you on report and personally supervise your immediate punishment for this disciplinary infraction.”

  “But sir, you went to Benny Havens’ with me! In fact, I only accompanied you because of your coercive insistence that I obey a direct order from a superior officer.”

  “It was most fortuitous that you followed the command. That was my direct order last week. This week I command you to make reparations for your transgressions against our code of discipline. Ours is not a regiment tailored to the soft at heart.”

  Elmer stood stock still at attention, embarrassment creating intermittent, disturbing splotches of crimson on his neck and ears.

  Magruder raised an eyebrow in amusement and continued, “I assure you my good fellow, at times we all think of ‘Dear Mother and Home’ and wonder why we voluntarily chose to attend this miserable excuse for an educational establishment.”

  Elmer opened his mouth to protest further, but Magruder’s two cohorts, witnessing the whole exchange, surrounded him. “Time for some extra guard duty,” one said. Lifting Elmer under the elbows they propelled him across the dance floor. Stopping only to allow him to retrieve his dress hat from the table of cadet hats, they quickly escorted him out of the ball.

  Magruder turned toward Nellie and bowed. “I request the honor of your presence as a dancing partner,” he said. Nellie hesitated, disconcerted by the prank and unsure whether she should try to help Otis.

  “You needn’t look astounded—this is my second request, after all! Did you not honor my entreaty at the dock, to save me a dance?” the cadet smiled with disarming charm somewhat incongruous with his large frame. “Surely you have written me into your card as ‘that marvelous mystery man’!”

  Somewhat mollified that at least the cadet would not act like a cad to her, Nellie reluctantly took his offered hand. The man gracefully led her in the first steps of a polka.

  “Now then.” Cadet Magruder smiled down at Nellie, not at all winded as they danced the polka around the floor. “I have released you from your sentence of dancing with the inept! You may begin to shower me with your undying gratitude.”

  Nellie had to confess to herself she was a bit relieved to see the back of Elmer’s head as he succumbed to the cadets hustling him away.

  William followed her gaze. “‘Tis a pity, for sure. I have no desire to affect him injuriously. It is an upperclassman’s task, nay responsibility to have a bit of fun with pulling rank, even if it is at the expense of a bewildered neophyte.”

  With no other gracious course of action evident other than to acquiesce to the change of escort for the evening, Nellie jumped into the next promenade around the dance floor with buoyant enthusiasm. A polka would have intimidated poor Elmer so thoroughly he would have retreated in terror.

  When they switched linked arms, William winked. “All is fair in Love and War! I have quite early grasped the maxim—the end most certainly justifies the means. Moreover, this maneuver bolsters my reputation for being a man of my word—I told you on the wharf to save a dance for me.”

  Mercy! Who would have thought the cadet who retrieved my glove would be this charming and persistent? My goodness, he truly looks handsome without his spectacles.... But I hope his vision is not compromised.

  Nellie cast about for a subject to begin the socially required brilliant banter. Mercifully, the next song was another waltz, so there was more breath for conversation. The stays of her corset did not dig in quite so deeply during these steps.

  Suddenly, Magruder’s huge arms and hands crushed her into his chest and her stays constricted all breathing. Nellie drew back in alarm. William laughed at her. Attempting to recover from her awkwardness in trying to maintain her distance, Nellie said, “I could not help but notice you have more buttons than many of the other cadets.”

  “Your powers of observation are quite keen,” said William. Because you crushed me painfully and restricted my breathing with your ungentlemanly, inappropriate, button-battering, embrace, Nellie thought.

  “Through my brilliant scholarship, natural intelligence, and exceedingly hard work, I have earned the considerable distinction of an appointment to Acting Assistant Professor,” William bragged. Nellie’s face expressed the proper amount of admiration for this accomplishment. “This honor not only entitles me to three rows of fourteen buttons, rather than the usual eight, it also qualifies me for an additional pay of ten dollars a month and a light after ten o’clock taps.” After a glance at Nellie’s expression of confusion, Magruder added, “I can continue to study long after plebes like your former escort must turn off their lights.”

  “Whenever would the intense rigors of battalion training permit leisure time to study dancing? Your skills are quite apparent,” Nellie said.

  “Our fencing master, Pierre Thomas, will be most delighted to hear that his diligent efforts at dancing instruction on Tuesday evenings have reaped compliments.” William smiled down at her. He is not only a very large man he is also exceedingly tall! It is quite surprising that he is so light on his feet. Nellie thought, feeling petite. “However, it was not he that first inspired my interest in this social grace. A Boston dancing instructor began our lessons during summer encampment before our first year of academic instruction....”

  Dancing with all her heart, searching the room with both eyes, and listening with one ear, Nellie was enjoying the evening to the hilt, multi-tasking included. She spotted Armistead L. Long, and this time...Nellie craned her neck to see behind her tall partner as he swung her in a wide arc...Agnes was smiling in Long’s arms. Mercy! I have never seen Agnes smile so broadly, nor look so content, she thought.

  “If so enamored with my dancing, why cast your eyes around the room, as if to find a more suitable partner?” asked William.

  Nellie gave an embarrassed laugh. “Please forgive my indiscretion.”

  “It grieves me to hear you confess to wishing to replace me,” said William, thrusting his lip out and hardening his eyes.

  “Please, no! Mercy! That is a false conclusion—not the true reason for my tactlessness.”

  William grabbed Nellie’s arms in each of his large hands, almost encircling her arms’ circumference completely, and looked her straight in the eyes, without missing a step of the minuet. “I’m all atremble to hear,” he said; voice barely a scintilla short of a snarl.

  Intimidated, Nellie looked over her shoulder and said, “You will make sport of the true cause.” Her eye caught sight of Armistead Long again, this time with Anastasia in his arms. In mid-dance Long switched to Anastasia? Mercy, neither sister looks happy about that! With her trademarked gesture of indignation, hands upon her hips, Agnes’ glowering anger was evident from across the room.

  “I’d rather the true reason than the torture of speculating as to my deficiencies,” said William, a
gain following her gaze.

  Nellie drew her eyes back to her dancing partner, shook her head and said, “First Cadet Armistead L. Long....”

  “That indecisive fellow?” asked William. “You are sweet on Long?”

  “He is sweet on my sisters. But he cannot make up his mind which one he prefers and he enlisted my aide to....”

  Magruder threw back his head and laughed. “If that is not the bee’s knees.

  “That Armistead, he can never pick sides. While I confess, I do have a bit of a reputation for being indecisive...well more accurately, I have a remarkable ability to see both sides of a situation...I certainly know what I like when it comes to the ladies!”

  Nellie pulled her hand away from his at this bold proclamation.

  Magruder hastened to make amends. “Please do not take offense. I meant only that I was smitten by your charms immediately upon my first vision of you.” Maybe you should not have taken off your glasses? Nellie giggled to herself. “I could see forthwith that you were a person of refinement and character, as well as a beauty.” William had the audacity to wink at her. “I knew I wanted to get better acquainted.

  “Hang that Armistead Long. He’ll have to decide on his own. I would like your undivided attention for the next dance, for alas, it is the last one of the evening.” Magruder led her to the punch bowl for a quick sip from a lovely crystal glass in the short interval before the orchestra announced the last dance.

  Nellie took a long grateful sip and smiled at Magruder over the crystal. This foray into West Point society has surely been full of surprises, she thought, mostly happy ones.

  Suddenly she caught the gaze of her mother, across the room with the other chaperones. Tarnation! ‘T will be quite the task to elucidate this state of affairs, she thought.

  But when William Magruder, smiling at her with dancing eyes, took the cup from her hand, placed it on the tray of a willing server, and led her to the dance floor, Nellie forgot everything else but the pleasure of twirling with a handsome, brilliant dancer.