by Dawn Burton
“I…erm…maybe. I haven’t taken any time off since the first kids moved in ten months or so ago. And I’ve always set things up with other people in charge so that I could just walk away if needed and the project would still continue. I’d need to speak to Will and Nish to make sure they would be ok for a week, maybe two. I don’t know.”
“Annie, come out of the bathroom. I need to see you.”
He heard her moving to her feet and he stood as well, keeping his fingers in the door. She slowly opened it, her head hanging low. He stepped forward and swooped her up into his arms, turning and carrying her back to bed, pulling the covers over them as she broke down, mirroring what she’d done for him just hours earlier. What a fucking day. It’d been the best and the worse day in one, and he wouldn’t be sorry to see the back of it.
Chapter Seven
Annie’s alarm woke them, blaring away at 7am. They’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms, exhausted by laying themselves bare to one another yesterday. But the shock of realising they had so much in common about how they were living their lives, albeit for very different reasons, was being replaced by the comfort of knowing they’d found each other, and the growing excitement that Annie might be able to join Tay for possibly two weeks.
Annie rolled into Tay. “I need to go and round up the troops; get everyone out of the door to work or college. You can stay here if you want, though.”
“Nope, I’m not leaving your side this week, remember? I’ll serenade them out of the door, ‘Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work we go...’”
“You nutter.”
“Yep. But I’m your nutter. Let me go and make you a tea.” He held Annie’s face still, his eyes searching all over her face.
“What you looking at?”
“You. Just looking at how perfect and sexy and gorgeous you are. I’m so lucky to be the one waking up to you for the rest of our lives.” She tried to turn away and break eye contact at that. “No, don’t turn away from me, sweetheart. This is what you get every day from now on, so start getting used to it. I love you.” He kissed her, his words rattling around in her head, then moved out of bed, heading downstairs to put the kettle on, leaving her aching for more of him, daring to believe that maybe, just possibly, she could be loved.
Tay moved to the window, looking out into Annie’s kitchen garden, the greenhouse full of plant pots, the rows of soil raked over in the raised beds, waiting for the warmer weather before they could fulfil their purpose. He hoped she was ok upstairs. He was shaking a little at having dared to say he loved her, but he’d made sure he’d then walked out so that she’d have a few minutes on her own to take it in, with no pressure on her to say it back.
There was so much he wanted to talk through and explore about what they’d both revealed yesterday, but he could see the mask in place when she’d opened her eyes this morning. They were back to their jokey selves for a bit to get what needed to be done done, and that was ok. There would be plenty of time for soul-searching together. Together. What a loaded and exciting word. He shivered, turning to pad back into the kitchen as the kettle clicked and the coffee machine hissed.
He brought the drinks up and climbed back into bed. “So, apart from getting everyone out of the door and speaking to Will and Nish, is it, is there anything else on your plans for today?”
“No. The cleaners come in at 11ish after they’ve done the lobby, so I usually get out for a walk round the Memorial Park or something. What were you planning on doing today?”
“I’m going to my parents’ for lunch at 12. Do you want to come? No pressure if not yet. There’ll be other times this week if you’d rather wait.”
“Can I come?”
“I’d love you to. Thank you, sweetheart.”
“Taylor?”
“Annabel?”
“Are we…are we still forever?” She looked down at the bed, picking at the covers nervously.
“Yes. You never weren’t forever, not even for a moment. I was briefly worried I wouldn’t be your forever, but even after you heard the worst of me, you said I was. And I believe you. So if you mean it and you want me to believe you, then you need to believe me that I mean it. So yes, we’re still forever.”
“Oh. Ok.”
“So drink your tea and let’s get these kids out to wherever they need to be.”
“Yes boss.”
Tea and coffee drunk, they dressed and headed into the lobby. Annie put the radio on the speakers, and the sounds of JD and Roisin filled the room.
“Really? Local radio?” asked Tay with a grin. “Not 6 Music or Radio 2 or Radio 1 even?”
“Nope! They make me smile in the mornings, which takes a lot, so deal with it, MusicMan.”
Gradually one by one, the kids started shuffling out of their flats, grabbing teas, coffees, bowls of cereal or toast, then heading out of the door. Annie kept an eye on who was up and who hadn’t surfaced, sending a message to those who should be up but weren’t, until eventually the lobby went quiet.
Taylor phoned his mum to say he’d be bringing someone with him for lunch and he made the mistake of mentioning Annie’s full name and the Spencer connection, thinking his mum would love it as a royalist, but it sent her into a tailspin, ending the call to say she had to send his dad out to M&S for more food. “Shit, I think I messed up there,” he said to Annie as she returned from the flats with Will and someone else in tow. “You’re probably gonna get the red carpet treatment now.”
“Oh Tay! I wish you hadn’t said anything.”
“I know, I know. I realise that now.”
She shook her head with a wry grin, and introduced Tay to her second support worker, Anisha, all of them sitting at the kitchen table. “Guys, I have the chance to join Taylor on tour on Saturday, for maybe two weeks, which means you two would be running this place. I wanted to check if you have any concerns about that or can forsee any issues? What do you think? Would a trial run of one week be better?”
“For fuck’s sake, go, go, go girl! For two weeks. Your vagina will thank you for it,” Will flapped his hand at her.
“William! Nish?”
Anisha was fine with it, so she looked at Tay and shrugged. “Guess I’m coming with you then, if that’s still ok?”
“Yep, let me go and call Tams. She’s our assistant who organises everything for us. She’ll add you to our arrangements.” He disappeared to make the phone call, and she smiled after him.
“Ah, is it love?” asked Will.
“Think so,” she said simply.
They had a quick staff meeting, then dispersed as the cleaners appeared to start the lobby. Annie dipped into the lobby toilets to pick up a box of condoms and followed Tay into their wing.
He smiled as he saw her, still on the phone, then raised his eyebrows at the box in her hand. “Ah sweetheart, Tamsin just needs your passport number and date of birth details?”
“Shall I send her a photo of it if you give me her number?” She headed for the stairs as Tay gave her the thumbs up. “I’ll dig it out upstairs and have it waiting for when you’re done.” She waggled the box of condoms at Tay over her shoulder as she went.
She fished out her passport and took a photo of the details, getting the message ready to send, then filled up the bath and jumped in. Tay came running up the stairs, two at a time, shouting ‘Where are you?” as he entered the bedroom.
“Naked and wet,” she shouted back. “Tams number?”
He came into the bathroom, stripping off his clothes as he went, picking up her phone from her and adding the number, pressing send, and hopping into the bath to join her. “What about the cleaners?”
“I’ve asked Will to tell them to do the flats first.”
He spooned behind her, holding her tight and kissing her shoulder. “How are you doing?”
“Erm, more than ok than I ever thought I would be. The fact that you’ve not gone running for the hills agreeing with my assessment that I must be a horrible person has kind of made me g
o ‘oh’.”
Taylor waited, pretty sure there was something more to come. “Go on?”
“Well, I think it was when you said that we all have good and bad thoughts but it’s our actions that count? I…I’d not realised that thoughts and actions don’t have to be connected? That sounds stupidly simple now I say it, but the idea that I can think bad thoughts but do good actions, has kind of floored me.
“Like I say, stupid I know, but I was assuming my bad thoughts were leading to bad actions, and you challenging that has just made the link disappear. I can’t even think why I thought they were linked. But it’s excited me that maybe I could be a good person even if my thoughts are sometimes bad.
“And then I took it further than that and realised that, although initially my thoughts may have been bad, actually, time has lessened them, and it’s been a while since I did anything as a deliberate ‘fuck you’. I’ve actually just been getting on with it and enjoying life this past year, but my head has still been stuck in the ‘I’m a bad person’ narrative, when actually maybe I’m ok. And actually, I may try and say ‘actually’ a little bit more because I don’t actually think I’ve said it enough! So yeah, ‘oh’!”
“Wow. That’s actually pretty fucking awesome, Annie!”
“I still regret that I did what I did, from 14 to 21, but I understand why it happened, and I understand I was influenced by those around me who should have been better people. But…I need to let all that go, and, you know what, I can hold my head up high about what I’ve achieved this year, so maybe I should restart my adult life from age 25 and go from there. And it was literally you saying that bad thoughts don’t necessarily equate to bad actions that has made me go ‘oh’. So, thank you.”
“Any time, sweetheart. And I know I only met you on Saturday, but I’m so fucking proud of you already. But just so you know, I know another way to make you go ‘oh’.”
“Oh really?”
“Yep.”
“Oh. Go on then. Oh! Oh, I see!”
◆◆◆
An hour later, they emerged hand-in-hand, ready for the half hour stroll to meet Tay’s parents. They walked out towards Ikea then turned right, crossing under the ring road junction to head up towards Earlsdon, stopping at a café for coffees on the way.
Tay wondered whether to say something that was on his mind, but Annie seemed in a good place, so he went with it. “Hey, sweetheart, have you considered reporting what happened to you when you were 14 to the police? I know you said yes, but you’d been given drugs and drinks, so you weren’t able to give proper consent, and the fact remains you were underage. I don’t know legally what that is, is it rape, sex with a minor, sexual assault? I don’t know, and it might seem a waste of time, but it might bring you some closure to it?”
She sighed and shook her head. “I know what you mean. But the more I think about it, the more I don't care about them. More than anything, I’d just like other people in my life to know the affect they had on my life from that point on. That I masked my fear, my self-hatred, my lack of confidence, my lack of control, by forcing myself into taking on the exact opposite role, but that I survived. That I’m not forgiving or forgetting what they did to the innocent 14-year-old me, but that I’m choosing to let go. Let me think about it.”
Tay grasped Annie’s hand over their table, rubbing his thumb across her palm, as they both grew silent again. He’d been so preoccupied with looking after her that he hadn’t given much thought to meeting his parents. He loved them, he did, but he knew at some point they’d inevitably end up talking about Charlie. He couldn’t bring himself to be fully open about Charlie’s role in the band, about how he’d supplied all their drugs, how he’d fed Tay’s alcohol addiction, about how he’d sourced heroin for Lizzie, including the dose on their fucking wedding day, for fuck’s sake, and it got him every time that he had to sit there while they talked about their golden boy, knowing they were thinking why didn’t he know, why didn’t he save him? He felt the anger and the frustration rising; his jitters running into his left leg, making him bounce it rapidly.
Annie looked at this man, who just moments earlier had been full of compassion and care for her, now looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. His face wasn’t masked yet, but she wanted to try and stop it before it got to that point. She put her hand on his knee to bring his attention to the tremor. “Hey, I can see you’re getting nervous. Is this about meeting your parents? What can I do to help? Is there anything I shouldn’t talk about? Anything you want me to do?”
“Erm. I…I don’t know. They don’t know the extent of his drink and drug sourcing skills. So don’t say that. And they only know a bit about Lizzie, so don’t mention her, not that you would. And don’t talk about Aspen or Christmas because they get upset we didn’t come home, especially as it turned out to be Charlie’s last Christmas. And don’t talk about his photos on the wall because it’ll set Mum off. And don’t…oh fuck, I shouldn’t be doing this to you, Annie. Let’s just walk you home and I’ll get a taxi and go on my own. We’re just all going to get upset and I don’t want to drag you into that. Let me go and get this initial visit out the way, and then maybe it’ll be easier tomorrow, or Wednesday, or something.” He’d been speaking really quickly and not breathing by the end of this, and he felt a rush of light-headedness, exhaling heavily in distress.
“Taylor, c’mon, it’s ok. Let’s just breathe together for a moment.” She pulled his hands to her chest and leant forward so they were resting on the table, looking him directly in the eye as she instructed him to breathe in and out with her. “Whatever you want, whatever causes you the least stress. If me being there or not is irrelevant, then please let me be beside you, but if me being there is adding to your stress, then I’ll go back home, for you.”
He realised in a heartbeat that he couldn’t be without her, he couldn’t leave her at hers. He shook his head violently, “Please don’t leave me, Annie. Please.” His voice came out as a sob, breaking and cracking. “I don’t know how it’s going to go, but please don’t leave me.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m not. We’re forever, right? If you can see the good in me, I can see the whole fucking sun shining out of your arse. So take me to meet your parents, maybe I can do the whole distraction small talk thing, and we’ll have some food, and then we’ll come home, and then you can give me another one of them orgasms, and I’ll ride your cock while my breasts bounce so hard until you come, ok? Just think about that. I love you. So let’s go. C’mon.” Annie held out her hand to him, pulling him to his feet.
“You know I’m only going to be thinking about your beautiful tits bouncing above me now?”
“Good, then my job of Chief Distractor and Chief Tension Diffuser is done. Try not to think about me sucking your cock while I play with myself though, otherwise you’ll have a hard on all lunch.”
“Annie! Too fucking late now! And don’t think for a minute your ‘I love you’ slipped by without being noticed.”
She ducked her head, smiled, grabbed his hand and they carried on up Albany Road, past the shops, then veered off left into a leafy quiet street with large detached houses.
They walked up the path of a house and Tay rang the bell, nervously swaying and squeezing Annie’s hand.
His mum, an elegantly dressed slim woman with a grey bob, ushered them into the house, and Taylor did introductions to his parents, Julia and Philip.
“Lady Annabel, so lovely to meet you. I wish Taylor had given me more notice. I’m afraid he’s rather put me on the spot here. You should have come for dinner instead.”
“Oh please, none of that Lady stuff. I’m just Annie, and I’d rather just come and meet you like this, instead of it being all formal. That’s not me, at all.”
They headed into the lounge, Julia apologising about not having a teapot to hand.
“Gosh, you have a teapot? It’s just teabags squeezed into a mug at my house. You’ll both have to come around for suppe
r one evening. Are you free tomorrow or Wednesday evening?”
“Oh, we’re out with friends tomorrow and then babysitting for Amanda on Wednesday. Maybe we could cancel one of them?”
“Oh no, please don’t do that. It was just a thought. We’ll sort something out when Tay’s next here.”
Julia and Annie chatted, and Taylor finally relaxed a bit, watching them talk, and looking over at his Dad to receive a silent nod. A look that said, ‘well done, son’. They’d never got to meet Lizzie, only speaking a handful of times on Skype before it all went wrong, and he’d hadn’t really done the ‘bringing a girl home’ thing before, so this was new territory for them all.
When it was time for lunch, Annie and Taylor sat at the table while his parents brought an array of food out.
“See, it’s going fine,” Annie lay her hand on Tay’s knee to reassure him.
“You’ve spellbound them, sweetheart. Thank you. Maybe we’ll actually get through lunch without all of us spiralling into the Charlie shaped hole”.
The front door banged, and a woman’s voice called out, “It’s me.”
“Oh fuck, no! Spoke too soon.” Taylor scrunched up his face and rubbed his temples tiredly. “It’s my sister, Amanda, or Bitchface as I like to call her.”
They heard Julia rushing out to meet her and there were murmured voices, before Amanda strode into the dining room, saying “No, I’m not gonna miss the chance to meet this one,” over her shoulder. She faltered slightly at the sight of the cool, calm and composed Annie, elegantly rising to her feet, Taylor remaining seated, his head bowed.
“This is Lady Annabel Spencer,” said Julia flustered.
Annie put her hand on Julia’s arm, “Oh Julia, you know I said none of that!” She turned to Amanda and held out her hand, “Annabel. And you’re Amanda, are you, Taylor’s sister? Taylor’s just been telling me about you.”
