by kendra Smith
She looked around to check on her children again. Andy was wearing every flotation device she could find, and was playing with some wind-up toys by the steps; Rory was asleep in the shade in his buggy. ‘Cheers,’ said Katie, finally relaxing, lying back on the sun lounger and enjoying the intense rays of the sun on her body.
An hour later, Katie went upstairs with Andy to check James and to get some more towels. ‘Mummy, look! Daddy’s shirt!’ shouted Andy and ran into Naomi’s bedroom.
Katie felt her heart stop. She quietly padded over the soft peach carpet to take a closer look. She studied the shirt, and let out a sigh. It was very similar to Tom’s. His shirt had wider blue stripes, and buttonholes; this one had buttons. She held the shirt to her face, breathed deeply, willing it to have a familiar smell. How long since I have smelt Imperial Leather? How long since I have rolled over and been held at night? What’s it been – three months? She suddenly felt such an intense sense of longing coupled with real, physical pain; she let out a small cry.
‘Mummy?’
‘Sorry, darling, let’s go. She ushered him into the guest bathroom to grab some towels. As he scampered back downstairs, she heard a noise. At first she didn’t recognise it. It was coming from behind Naomi’s bathroom door. Leaning on the door gently, Katie realised it was unlocked. She pushed it open. There, in front of her was Naomi with her fingers down her throat, over the sink.
‘Oh Christ, Katie,’ she gasped, clutching the basin. Sweat covered her forehead. ‘I didn’t want you to see this—’
‘What are you doing?’
She lifted her head and stared at Katie in the mirror. Her mascara had run down her face, her hair was stuck to her forehead and in the sink lay the remains of her regurgitated lunch. It was pretty obvious what she was doing.
Tears trickled down Naomi’s face, and then she was sobbing. Katie held her in her arms and she leant against her, then kneeled on the floor. Sitting down beside her, Katie stared at a pubic hair beside the toilet.
‘Oh God, Katie, I just can’t help myself.’
‘Why are you doing this to yourself?’
‘It started after Billy was born. I hated, hated what I saw in the mirror, the lumpy tummy, the saggy tits. This was my way of getting my figure back, getting control over my life…’ She trailed off, took a huge breath, turned round and flipped the loo seat down, slumped on top of the toilet. ‘I suppose I was punishing myself. Some days are worse than others. This is the only way I can cope.’ She looked at Katie. ‘What would you know, darl, you’re so relaxed about your body, had three beautiful kids, still have a decent figure – in fact, you look the best I’ve seen you,’ she sniffed.
‘You must be joking! I’d die for a body like yours,’ Katie replied.
‘No. You. Wouldn’t,’ she said shaking her head slowly. ‘You might think you want a body like this—’ she glanced down, then looked at Katie ‘—but you wouldn’t want it. The $10,000 tits, the constant hairdresser appointments, the teeth whitening, the Botox…’
‘C’mon, look at you, you have the body of Elle Macpherson!’ said Katie.
‘I’m telling you, you really wouldn’t want the mind that comes with the territory,’ said Naomi, shaking her head. ‘I have a disease, Katie! I throw up…’ Her eyes filled with tears.
‘Does Andrew—’
‘Know? That’s the worst bit. He’s always wanted more children. I couldn’t face it. We did try, but the doctors told me that I had to put on weight to conceive… Oh Jesus, don’t you see, Katie?’ The tears were streaming down her face.
‘No?’ Katie shook her head.
‘I’ve messed up Andrew’s dreams of having any more kids… And I’ve messed up my body at the same time…’ She rested her head on her forearms and started to sob. ‘Just seeing all your kids here today made me realise what I’ve done. Now Billy will never have any siblings.’
‘It’s not too late, Naomi.’
‘Yes, yes it is. I’ve been sterilised – Andrew doesn’t know.’
‘Does he know about the vomiting?’ Katie asked quietly.
‘He suspects something’s up,’ she said, looking up, ‘knows I’ve done it “once or twice” – but he doesn’t know how often. Blake knows,’ she said, sighing, blowing her nose with some toilet paper. ‘He’s tried to help me but…’ she took a deep sigh ‘…nothing’s ever worked.’
Grabbing a face cloth from the sink, Katie ran cool water over it and wiped Naomi’s brow. ‘I’m taking you to my doctor, OK? There are people out there who can really help you.’
‘Oh, Katie, I’m so sorry, so sorry… Blake’s always coming to my rescue. I phone him; he comes round. Andrew doesn’t know a thing.’
‘Well, he certainly helped me with the spider and Rory at the hospital. I was terrified. Thought I was going to lose Rory. He was so… so calm, gentle. I didn’t know who else to call – you’ve got a fantastic brother,’ Katie said. ‘In fact, it was nice to have him all to myself!’ Katie smiled, ran some more water over the facecloth and turned to look at Naomi. Naomi gave Katie a peculiar look.
‘I’m sure it was, sweetheart.’ She held on to the sink, lifted herself up. Then she turned back to Katie. ‘But you do know he’s gay, don’t you?’
36
Water trickled down Katie’s back in the shower. She stared out beyond the glass doors and out through the bathroom window: huge black thunderclouds were rolling in the sky. Replaying Naomi’s words, she wondered how she hadn’t spotted such an obvious thing. What’s wrong with me? How delusional am I? she wondered. What else haven’t I noticed? The devil was back on her shoulder: maybe you haven’t noticed your husband properly, for years. Maybe you’ve been so trapped under a mountain of Tupperware, sister, you haven’t seen that all he wanted was a wife to love him, to care again.
When she finished her shower, she went to find Maria. She was folding towels in the kitchen. Strange, I’m sure she was doing that when I went for my shower, thought Katie. Why has it taken her so long?
‘Maria, do you know what you put in James’s water bottle yesterday?’ she asked, folding her arms across her chest.
‘Yees. I put the Ribena and splash of the “special juice” James is asks for from fridge – he says to be like you.’ She beamed at Katie, nodded her head.
‘You gave him vodka! Do you understand?’
Maria stared at Katie, looked confused. Katie turned around and grabbed the bottle from the top shelf. ‘Vodka, Maria, ALCOHOL, yes? It was in the jug in the fridge!’
Maria’s face fell. ‘Oh I am sooo sorry. I do not know.’ She peered at the bottle, then held it away from her face. ‘Sorry, Meeses Parkes.’
‘Please don’t give him anything but WATER, all right?’
Maria nodded as Katie walked away, wondering if she should keep her on. Her two-week trial was up on Friday.
Picking up James later that day, Katie realised it hadn’t been a ‘good day’ for him at all. It was pouring. Torrential Sydney-esque rain. Rain that doesn’t stop. James looked at Katie from under his hood, hair matted to his head and there was a curious look on his face. It really can rain a lot in Sydney, thought Katie, staring at the fat drops splashing on top of his hood.
One of the other British school mums waved at her from the gate. She was wearing an anorak. The look screamed British school mum – beware! As they were both from Blighty she had assumed a kind of camaraderie with Katie, a kind of we’re-all-in-this-Aussie-boat-together kind of chumminess.
‘Oh doesn’t it make you feel like you are at home!’ she shouted across the road at Katie, holding on to the hood of her anorak, grinning like an overgrown Outward Bound student.
Katie’s smile was thin in return. No it doesn’t, sweetie. It makes me want to lie face down in the puddles.
The car windows were steamed up from the heat of three soggy little boys.
‘How was school, James?’
Silence.
‘What did you do today, darling?’
> He peered at her from under his hood. A scowl.
‘Tell me,’ she tried again.
‘A boy punched me in the playground.’
Katie slammed on the brakes. ‘What? Again?’ She screwed up her eyes, tried to make out the scene in front through the pouring rain. ‘Oh God!’ As the car came to a halt, it just touched the bumper in front.
‘Which boy?’ but before James could answer, Katie watched as the woman in the car ahead of them got out, slammed her door shut and started marching towards the car. I recognise her, thought Katie, sliding down in the seat.
Katie rolled her eyes and stared out at the pelting rain, at the figure in the bright purple raincoat coming towards her. She wound her window down. ‘I’m so sorry,’ Katie said apologetically, staring up, rain splashing her face.
‘It’s you!’ shrieked Carol. ‘Thought it was some bloody foreign driver. You all right?’ She peered at Katie from outside. ‘You look like shit, darl.’
‘Thanks,’ Katie replied, not sure quite how to reply to that one. ‘Got a lot on my mind. Sorry, Carol, but I have to go.’ And with that she pulled away abruptly.
‘James? What did you do, darling? At school, when the boy hit you? Who was it?’
‘Ed,’ came a little voice from the back.
Ed? How dare he! Why was Ed hitting her son? It was bad enough that Ann had stolen her husband’s affections, now her bloody kid was hitting James. Katie crunched into fourth gear.
‘What did he say, darling; why did he hit you?’
‘He said I have two brothers and he has nothing.’
Men in balaclavas? The real threat at this school lay within the school’s four walls. The threat to her son was a lonely little boy who was desperate for a sibling. But that wasn’t James’s fault! She slammed on her brakes at the junction and decided to have it out with Ann. Glancing behind her in the rear-view mirror, all she saw was a terrified little English boy, looking very lost underneath his big Aussie bush hat.
When they got home, she turned on the TV, thankful for the mindless drone of chatty cartoons. There is so much churning over in my brain it feels like it’s exploding. God, I need Tom right now. This was a mess. She slumped down on the sofa next to Andy and Rory and started to watch Bob the Builder, took refuge in Scoop, Muck and Dizzy and their brain-numbing antics. After a while, she realised she hadn’t seen James for a while.
Getting up to switch the kettle on, she saw James outside, next to the gate. He was looking behind him. The rain was pelting down, monsoon-like; he was getting drenched. Suddenly, she saw him open the gate and bolt. Oh Christ.
‘Maria!’ Where was she? She’d agreed to stay on later today.
Maria came to the kitchen red-faced, clutching a duster. ‘Yees?’
‘Watch Rory and Andy – I have to go and fetch James!’ Katie yelled over her shoulder as she headed towards the door.
Rain hit her face outside. ‘Come back, darling, c’mon,’ she shouted at James. ‘Let’s go inside and make chocolate Rice Krispies, shall we?’ She was yelling to his back, shouting above the noise of the downpour. Her hair stuck to her head as she marched along the pavement. The rain was torrential, soaking through to her bra. James carried on walking. It carried on raining.
He turned round and shouted at her. ‘I want Daddy!’
She stopped in her tracks, felt the rain descend down her face, slip into her mouth and down her neck. ‘I know, darling, but he’s not here. Please come inside.’
Katie walked over to him; she could see his eyes were red from crying. Kneeling on the kerb, she held him in her arms and watched the dark green murky water angrily gush along the gutter like miniature rapids. James doesn’t need to say anything, she thought. He’s lost. I know just how he feels. ‘Mummy, I want Daddy. I want it all to be normal again,’ he sobbed.
So do I. She stared at the raindrops splattering onto the pavement, feeling the water seep into her knickers. Maybe it’s time for normal again; maybe I could forgive Tom – he’s done as much damage as he can, surely, she reasoned, holding on tightly to James’s hand and pulling them both up.
37
The sea pool was crystal clear, like an aquamarine gemstone sparking in front of a glittering ocean backdrop. A couple of kids were playing happily by the pool steps, squealing, splashing and giggling, watching the group of divers squeeze into wetsuits.
The six of them were there again: the American couple, Chris and Carol had buddied up, Naomi and Katie. Naomi was helping Katie get her gear on: wetsuit, air tank, BCD vest, weight belt. Blake had said the pool was perfect for their first ‘try dive’. Katie glanced over at Blake, looked at the handsome, rugged bloke with new eyes. Of course, she could see now, there were the tiny gestures she’d missed – the way he held on to Chris’s hand a little too long as they passed snorkels, the way Blake was holding his gaze before talking to the group again. She rolled her eyes heavenwards. How could I have been so stupid?
A lot has happened, she reminded herself. It was more than a year since they’d arrived in Australia. One adorable baby, check; one unfaithful husband, check; one enormous determination to do something she enjoyed.
‘Katie?’ Blake was looking at her. ‘We’re just going over the safety tips again, OK?’ She nodded and smiled at him.
‘Remember we have to “clear” our masks with bubbles of air as we go down – don’t forget to equalise your ears on your descent; keep looking at your air gauge, breathe as if you are taking air from a straw, slow breaths, not great big gulps.’ He smiled round at the group. ‘OK?’
‘Right, wetsuits on, weight belts and buddy up; Chris – check everyone’s air.’
Under water, Katie could hear the inhalation and exhalation of air into and from her body; a horror movie type of breathing in her head. She smiled to herself. Everyone was moving gracefully – even Carol, reflected Katie, glancing at her fuzz of blonde hair sticking out from the straps in her snorkel. Naomi was next to her, as elegant as a mermaid in the water. Blake motioned to them to clear their masks. Bubbles filled Katie’s nose. She had been terrified of this practice drill, of letting the water into her mask, but she knew Blake was watching, so determinedly did it as part of the test, gulping air from her regulator when she had finished.
My goodness, thought Katie, it’s one thing sitting in a lecture room looking at the Smartboard, but it’s much harder doing the real thing.
When they had all finished and climbed out of the pool, Naomi wandered over to Katie and nudged her in the ribs.
‘Hey! Let’s do hair and shoes this arvo, shall we?’ Her eyes were twinkling.
Katie smiled at her gorgeous friend. ‘How can I resist?’
*
‘It appears my beauty education is far from over,’ Katie whispered to Naomi as she sat next to her in the glass and chrome salon. Katie felt like she was in a spaceship. She flicked noisily through Beauty & Bliss magazine.
‘Listen to this, Nomes: “One of the first tell-tale signs of ageing is droopy eyelids”.’ Katie pulled a clown face. ‘“In addition, your facial lines, crow’s feet, vertical lines between brows and marionette lines that run from the corner of the nose to the mouth start to get more pronounced.” Naomi? Are you listening? Honest to God! The whole thing’s a nightmare.’ Katie laughed, peering at herself in the mirror.
‘Yeah, well that’s what cosmetic surgery is for!’
Katie’s phone then beeped with a new message from Lucy.
Kitchen plans are to-die-for. Getting Aga! How you? Lucy x
Hi L. Am better. Having hair done… sign of feeling much more on top of things. Chat soon. Kx
Naomi smiled across at Katie as they left the hairdresser in search of shoe shops. ‘You seem – sort of brighter,’ Naomi said, shrugging her shoulders.
‘Yes, I’m giving this Doing Something For Myself malarkey a bit of a workout,’ Katie laughed.
‘No, it’s more than that – something’s changed.’
‘It has, actually,’
Katie said. She turned to face Naomi. ‘I’ve decided to give Tom another chance, you know, maybe I’ve just been so wrapped up in myself, the kids, I forgot about him? Forgot what he needed?’
‘Good idea, Katie.’ Naomi smiled. ‘You both probably drifted apart. Now that you’re swimming, finding the confidence in the ocean… you seem different – like you’ve moved on?’
Katie grinned. ‘Yes, I kinda have.’ They both spotted a window display and peered in. ‘Now, this is my porno,’ Katie said to Naomi, winking, looking at a whole line of Diana Ferraris, Nine Wests and Manolo Blahniks perched on a rail.
‘C’mon! Let’s buy some!’ squealed Naomi.
This was fun! Inside Katie saw a pair of low, kitten-heeled denim slingbacks with red stitching around the tiny Union Jacks. ‘Beautiful!’ said Katie, picking them up. And they were marked down to half price.
‘Perfect to distract me from the Here and Now and take me to What If!’ She nudged Naomi. Laying her credit card on the counter, she realised that she hadn’t bought anything for herself for ages. The thrill was still there. The sound of the crisp bits of tissue paper that the shoes were wrapped in, the beautiful bag with red cord handles, the little sticker the assistant put on the bag to seal it; to make sure you didn’t surreptitiously slip in another pair of Jimmy Choos as you left. She surprised herself by wondering if Tom would like them. She had recently just let herself – just a teensy bit – entertain the idea of meeting up with him again. How would she feel? She felt a flutter of excitement and hummed as she walked out the shoe shop.
Once Katie got home from the shops and school run, she stopped in her tracks in the kitchen. It was a mess. What had Maria been doing all day?
She removed two mouldy oranges from the fruit bowl and noticed that the bowl hadn’t been cleaned for a while. Yes, she was definitely feeling better. She tackled the housework with so much more energy when things were looking up. Suddenly, she had the urge to clean out the salad drawer in the fridge with bicarbonate of soda. She stood, with the fridge door open, enjoying its cool waves of air until she was interrupted by James.
