Hard Truths (Kiss Her Goodbye Book 1)

by Rebecca Royce

  He was asleep, his head leaning back and to the left on the couch. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but in sleep he was actually even more beautiful than when he was awake. And J was a very attractive man. I wanted to reach out and run a hand down his face, feeling his skin, the slight growth of whiskers and his breath on my fingertips. Of course, I wasn’t going to do that. Out of all of them, Judson made me feel the most kidnapped.

  I looked toward the front door. I could walk right out. He probably wouldn’t even wake up. But I wasn’t going to, and I knew it. My father was in New York; release would come soon. If I ran, I’d never know how this panned out, and I’d always be looking over my shoulder. If these five were going to be the secret overlords of the universe then I wanted them to like me, or at least remember me fondly.

  Not to mention I was full on head over heels for four of them. Yes, I included Derrick in that list. I shut off the television, and Judson jerked awake. It was funny how lack of noise could be as effective at waking someone as a loud one could be. When the power went out in the middle of the night in my apartment, turning off the usual buzzing that I was used to, it would wake me like my alarm.

  “Sorry.” He rubbed his eyes. “Guess I fell asleep.”

  “That’s okay. So did I.” I got off the couch. “I’m going to head upstairs.”

  He nodded. “Me, too.”

  Judson had come awake immediately, and he didn’t look tired. Then again, doctors did that. They napped and they snapped to attention. Or at least they did on those doctor television shows, when they weren’t having sex in the break rooms.

  My mind was all over the place. Maybe I was the exhausted one. I didn’t get alert immediately. He walked me to my room, stopping outside the door. “Sleep well.”

  “Oh I will, assuming that the sheets aren’t scratchy.”

  He blinked. “Oh that’s right. You didn’t like the ones at The Lodge. I got them changed. If you ever go back, you’ll like them better.”

  He had? “Judson, you don’t have to buy sheets for the girl you kidnap. I’m lucky I’m not in the basement with a bag over my head.”

  J winced, and I wished I hadn’t made the bad joke. “Nevertheless, I fixed it. The sheets will be soft.”

  “Thank you.” Maybe that’s what I should have said right off the bat. “Goodnight, Judson.”

  “Night, Everly.” He didn’t smile, but his voice was warm. “Let me know if you need anything at all.”

  I nodded. “I will.”

  I closed the door, leaving him in the hall. The sheets, as I would discover less than five minutes later, were soft.

  I didn’t dream, or at least I didn’t remember doing so. I’d gotten used to being held by someone, and I did miss the feel of another person in the bed. Judson, however, didn’t strike me as the cuddling type. He wasn’t really warm and fuzzy. Or if he started to be, the next second he wasn’t.

  I got out of bed sometime around mid-morning. I hadn’t slept this late in a long time. Well, that wasn’t true. My exhausting freak out that I’d done with Kade had made me sleep late. Maybe this was becoming a thing.

  I showered and went downstairs quietly, in case Judson was sleeping in, too. Of course, the place was huge. He’d probably not hear me even if I sang at the top of my voice. I remembered my tour and found my way to the kitchen. Judson stood sipping coffee, looking up when I walked in.

  “Morning. Sleep okay?”

  I nodded. “Thanks. Yes, the room is great. One of the best I’ve ever been in anywhere.”

  “Good. I do want my places to be comfortable.”

  He poured coffee into a cup. “I received three messages before dawn this morning making sure that I made you coffee and that you had some when you first woke up. Trace was the first. He wanted to make sure I knew that coffee was pivotal for you and to make sure I had some in the house. Then Warden texted a similar message that was more like ordering me to go buy coffee since I don’t always drink it. And then finally Kade sent a link to the nearest coffee shop should I need to go buy some.”

  I took the offering of coffee, gladly taking down a long sip. It was maybe the best coffee I’d ever had. Had he ground the beans himself? What was this magical brew I’d never tasted before? “This is amazing. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. What is it about you Everly that has turned them this way? Trace doesn’t send texts reminding people to have coffee. Neither does Warden or Kade. And I spent a good portion of last night worrying if you were comfortable and then leapt out of bed this morning to make sure I had coffee. What is it about you?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know.” It was time for some truth. “Let’s be honest, shall we? Trace was nice to me and then he was a total ass right before we left each other. Warden was the same. Then Kade spent most of his time being a jerk, but lightened up at the end. If this constant emotional spinning is me somehow doing something to them, then you should see it from my end. None of this has made any sense.”

  He nodded once. “I’m not going to try to take you to my bed.”

  Well, that was quite a statement. “Okay.”

  Was there really anything to say in that instance? Judson was gorgeous, he was hot, he was clearly a multilayered person with secrets. Yes, like his friends, I could fall for him, but I was clearly a glutton for punishment. They all knew about each other and no one seemed to mind in the least that I was sleeping with multiple members of their little club.

  Except apparently for Judson who was not going to sleep with me.

  “Aren’t you going to ask me why?”

  Was he kidding? I set down the coffee. “No. I’m not, because I’m sure the answer would be insulting. You’ve said you find the soul attractive. If you don’t find me that way, then you’re essentially saying you don’t like who I am as a person. There isn’t enough coffee in the world to manage that. I’ll say something nasty back to you. Then we’ll be fighting. I’d rather figure out how to have a pleasant day with you. Even if it’s all surface and I know that you don’t like me.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest. “That’s not what the answer would be. Actually, that couldn’t be any further from the truth.”

  Clearly, he was determined to have this conversation. “Okay then. Is it worse? I mean should I ask you for a sedative before you tell me?”

  His grin shocked me. “I’m not going to sleep with you, Everly, because the power differential between the two of us is so completely skewed. I’m not sure you could truly consent to the way I would have to have sex with you.”

  I gulped. Now, that I hadn’t seen coming. He handed me back my coffee. “Because of the tying up thing.”

  “Because of that. We need to have a serious conversation before we have sex, I need to educate you about what I want. And you need to say yes. We need a safe word. And I’m not at all convinced that people in the situation you and I are in can have true consent for what I want. What I need.” He cleared his throat. “So we won’t. Okay?”

  I nodded because I wasn’t really sure what to say to that. I didn’t know the first thing about BDSM. Not anything real or concrete, in any case. I liked the sound of coming to an understanding first, and if it was going to be that way, and not just sex the way I was used to having it, then we did need to be on equal footing.

  He’d opened this door. I walked through it. “Do you always have sex that way?”

  “Not always, no. But what I find is that I really prefer to have sex with the rope for at least a good portion of the beginning of the relationship. My need for it does seem to wane as trust is built. Or at least that’s how it’s been in the past. My kink is uniquely mine. And I get that it won’t be for everyone. If it’s not for you, I can respect that, too.”

  I swallowed. “Does the rope hurt?”

  “Depends on the rope. But with you, I’d want silk binding.” He slid his finger up my wrist. “I want to take care of you, to see that you’re safe in those moments. Not hurt. Not necessa
rily. Sometimes maybe I like to inflict a little pain. I’ve got a touch of sadist in me. Depends on my mood. I’d let you know ahead of time. That would never be a surprise. And if you didn’t want it, it doesn’t happen. See, the power is all yours. You meet my need in your way or you don’t meet it. But we can’t even really seriously discuss this as things are.” His hand was still on my wrist. “Your pulse is racing. Just started. Does this frighten you?”

  I rubbed the back of my neck. “Entices me. I’ve never thought about this stuff and suddenly I can picture myself, naked and tied up, with you coming over me. I don’t hate the idea.”

  He nudged me, the slightest brush of our shoulders together. “Good. I’m going to be hard all day picturing that now. Thanks for that. Come on. Let’s get you some food to go with your caffeine.”

  Since I wasn’t sure what else to say on this subject, I followed him out. He stopped when we got to the front hall. “Run up and get dressed. Don’t forget your coat. I don’t want you cold.”

  I nodded. Judson had effectively rendered me speechless. I was going to be able to follow directions. For a person who said he didn’t care about people, he certainly seemed to look after my needs. And then there was that whole thing he had just said about wanting to take care of me while I was tied up.

  He was a real contradiction. Or maybe he didn’t really know himself.

  I hurried up the stairs. Whoever had bought all my clothes had done a really great job. They were more fashionable than I was, that was for sure. Had Judson done it? Like selected them all himself or had the app just let him order women’s clothing and have them delivered fast? I needed to ask him about this.

  I put on a pair of white pants and matched them with a gray sleeveless turtleneck. It seemed a contradiction in point but maybe it was a fashion statement I missed because I didn’t live in a place that got particularly cold. Next, I matched a pair of pointy-toed white boots and a pink pea coat to finish the outfit. I’d really not paid attention to just how much stuff he had bought me.

  This was so different than Kade who would have been content to leave me looking basically homeless if I hadn’t pushed the issue. My clothing issue in this kidnapping was just ridiculous at this point.

  Still, as I looked at myself in the mirror I’d never looked better. Judson had been dressed impeccably, his blue dress shirt rolled at the sleeves, appearing perfectly with his khakis. I’d match him pretty well. Wherever we were going to eat, they wouldn’t stare like I didn’t belong at the same table with him.

  Maybe that was why he’d picked the clothes, he wanted to make me presentable.

  I left the room heading downstairs and stopped as I approached the stairs. I hadn’t paid attention the last few times I’d done this, but there was a framed picture that should have caught my focus. It was Judson and a woman. I stared at them for a second, focusing on the fact that I was absolutely certain that I saw Alyssa in front of me. She looked like him, sort of. Enough of a resemblance that I was sure that this was his sister. They were twins.

  In the photo, Judson had to be at least ten years younger. He hardly looked ancient now at thirty-six, but he was noticeably younger in the photo. Or maybe he just seemed that way because he was grinning ear-to-ear as was his sister.

  I turned my head from looking at him to examining his sister. Here was the woman who had shared a womb with Judson, loved and married Derrick, known about The Alliance, and been killed. I didn’t know how she died, how they’d ended her life, but I doubted it had been pleasant.

  She wasn’t gorgeous in the sense that I would see her on the cover of magazines, but then again neither was I. Most women weren’t. She had a pleasant face, bright brown eyes that were glowing in the way she grinned.

  Her face was round and her hair was brown with blonde streaks in it that I would bet came out of a very expensive bottle. Her hair fell in waves around her shoulders. They might have been in The Lodge in this photo. I thought I recognized the lake behind it, but it could have been any lake since I wasn’t sure I could tell one from the other.

  What struck me about her, other than her white dress that clung to her like a second skin, was how petite she was. Alyssa was tiny. Next to Judson, she looked like she was maybe five feet tall.

  So much had happened in the world of these men because of her. If she hadn’t been killed, I doubted I’d be standing here now. Derrick and Judson would probably be engaged in other things other than revenge plots to take down The Alliance. They’d probably never have triggered enough interest in them that my father would have discredited them to The Alliance to begin with.

  “We took that the day after she got engaged.”

  I jumped. I hadn’t heard Judson approach.

  He took a step closer. “She was already wearing white all the time. I think she did for six months. If you find yourself at Derrick’s house, you’ll probably see this picture, only with him and not me.”

  “She’s lovely.” I took a step back. “I supposed I should really look at the woman whose name I was slinging around.”

  He lifted his lids. “Oh, she would have loved you. Trust me. Alyssa liked people who spoke their minds. She would have loved how you stared us down, how you ran out the front door of The Lodge barefooted like you were going to get out of there with the sheer strength of your will alone. She would love that you had all of us twisting in the wind. Other than Derrick, of course.”

  I winced. “Other than him, obviously.”

  Judson tugged on the edge of my hair. “Food.”

  “Good idea.”

  He took my hand in his and squeezed it. “I know the best place for lunch that also serves breakfast. It’s not really a brunch place, but you can get eggs all day.”

  “Sounds good to me.” A thought dawned on me. “What’s going on with your medical practice?”

  “If this isn’t solved in two weeks I will have to open it back up. For now, I’m on a sabbatical I gave to myself. I don’t want to neglect the staff, so two weeks. Right now, they’re being paid with no trouble. After that it’ll get a little tighter. I don’t like when things get tighter.”

  The restaurant he took us to was small on the inside and noisy. No one looked up at us, and we were overdressed for the crowd. Most people were in jeans. Maybe Judson noticed me noticing because he shook his head. “You look incredible. I meant to tell you. Should have told you. The picture you were looking at distracted me. But you are gorgeous. I mean, you always are. But you are particularly lovely today. Maybe I just have a thing for you in those clothes because I picked them out.”

  That answered that question. “You just chose them on an app?”

  “Yes. It’s a service app. Kind of a concierge thing. You can get just about anything you want that way.” He pointed at the menu. “I can’t decide if I’m doing breakfast or lunch.”

  This was the strangest date I’d ever been on, and I had no doubts that was what we were doing. We weren’t two people just eating together, and for the first time with Judson, I really didn’t feel like we were kidnap victim and person with all the power. I felt as though I were on a date with a very attractive man who wanted to talk about the menu.

  I decided to pretend that was what it was. “How do you feel about Bloody Marys before noon?”

  He set down his menu. “I’m in favor of them.”

  “Good. Then we’ll start with that. Maybe you get lunch, I’ll get breakfast and we’ll share.”

  Judson was beautiful in the sunlight. Objectively, he was the most strikingly attractive man in this restaurant, so when the women around us looked, I wasn’t at all surprised. He was the kind of man women looked at. No wonder he was successful at what he did. If someone came in for a plastic surgery consultation, all he’d have to do was smile and they’d sign right up.

  “Thank you for my clothes, Jud.” It wasn’t until the nickname was out of my mouth that I realized I’d used it.

  “You’re welcome.” He pressed his hand down on top of
mine. “Call me Jud anytime you want, Everly. But I’m always going to use your full name. I love it.”

  Yes, it was the best date ever. I was just going to enjoy it.

  We stepped outside together. I didn’t know about him, but I had a Bloody Mary buzz going full force in my head. I felt no pain at all.

  We’d taken a rideshare to get here so neither of us had to drive. “Tell me the truth. You’re not at all scared right now? We’re out in public.”

  “Let them come. They won’t live through it. They killed my fucking sister. They’re not getting within feet of me and living to tell the tale. I wanted to kill that asshat in Kade’s vault. I itched for it.”

  “Oh.” Realization dawned on me but didn’t deflate my buzz. “We’re baiting them.”

  He shrugged. “If they come they come.”

  All right, so maybe he was a little bit crazy. I’d gotten used to a little bit crazy. I was so used to the psycho element of these last weeks that I wasn’t even fazed. Okay. If they came they came. Or maybe it was just my Bloody Mary buzz making me this relaxed.

  Movement caught my gaze. A homeless man sat by the edge of another building. He held out a cup and had a sign in front of him. I couldn’t see the words from where we stood but I’d seen enough of them in my life that I could guess what it said. As Judson tapped on his phone, I noticed how the elderly gentlemen had holes in his gloves. I wasn’t wearing any, but I bet I was going to want some later if I was outside. He had only one shoe on and his coat was torn.

  Tears pooled in my eyes.

  “You okay?” Judson grabbed my arm. “What’s wrong? The Alliance won’t touch you either. If ever there was someone who could handle themselves, it would be you.”

  “That man.” I spoke in a low voice so the person of whom I spoke couldn’t hear me. He didn’t need to know he was being discussed. He’d suffered enough indignities in his life to have to put up with that.

  He nodded. “It’s very sad. I can give him a few dollars.”

  I sighed. “In this big plan of yours. The one the five of you plan to implement with The Alliance. When you take over. When you out the current group. Who takes care of him?”