So Totally

by Gwen Hayes

  “Hey, isn’t that your boyfriend?” Jennifer asked me.

  My gaze followed her finger to the front counter where Nate stood. I smiled and hiccupped a breath because, as always, he stole my oxygen. But once again, like earlier that day, he avoided my gaze. And then…he looked up and grimaced at me.

  “Um,” I answered, “he’s not really my boyfriend.” Except that he sort of was. The seed of doubt I’d felt in front of Mr. Whitney’s office yesterday and then that day at lunch grew into a lump in the middle of my chest. A rock-solid lump the size of a grapefruit. The greasy fries in my stomach no longer comforted me either.

  I replayed the day over in my head, searching for something I might have done to earn that scowl he wore while he waited in line. I couldn’t think of anything that would set him off. Maybe he hadn’t seen me? That could be it, right? He could have just glanced up and been looking at something in front of me.

  I stared at the floor, wishing it would open up and swallow me whole. Who was I kidding? He knew I was there, he saw me smile at him like a hopeful golden retriever, and he chose to completely ignore me after he frowned.

  Just like I had chosen to ignore the fact that he didn’t kiss me after school—or even acknowledge my existence. In truth, he’d made the announcement of “other” plans to Paul. I just happened to have been standing next to Paul at the time.

  That was when I saw Joy was in front of him.

  “Carri, come to the bathroom with me.” Heather hauled me up by my arm before I could protest and dragged me to the bathroom with her.

  “What is going on?” she asked me as soon as the door shut behind us.

  I shrugged. “I wish I knew.”

  “Did you guys have a fight?”

  “Not that I’m aware of.” I rubbed my temples. “He just started…ignoring me.”

  My stomach churned the greasy fries around. I wished I hadn’t eaten them, or come here, or gone to that stupid ‘80s dance.

  “Stop it.” I looked up at her command. She was still Heather, but she had her “mom” face on. “Don’t you stand there and feel sorry for yourself. Pinch your cheeks.”

  “What?”

  She reached over and pinched them for me. “You’re white as a ghost. Look at me.”

  What choice did I have? She was my mother.

  “We are walking out of this bathroom in a gnarly fit of giggles. Do you understand me?”

  I shook my head slowly, but she was a woman possessed.

  “We will pass that boy and you will smile at him and say, ‘Oh, hey Nate,’ and we will walk out the door without a care in the world.” She fluffed my hair a little and handed me her lip gloss. “You can fall apart as soon you get in the car, but you will not let him see it. Are we clear?”

  I inhaled a deep, cleansing breath and nodded while I applied the gloss. She bolstered my confidence. If my life had a soundtrack, “I Will Survive” would have faded in. Or maybe, since it was the ‘80s, it would have been a Pat Benatar song.

  Heather opened the bathroom door, and we giggled like lunatics as we sailed through the restaurant. Nate was waiting by the door for Kevin, Paul, and another boy who did the dungeon thing with them. Joy stood next to him.

  She smiled like she was a cat about to have a canary burp, and Nate wouldn’t look at me.

  “Oh, hey, Nate.” I stopped and flashed him my big-girl smile. “How was D&D?”

  His breathing was shallow and his jaw set like granite, but he answered, “Good. It was good.” Without looking at my face.

  And then he checked his watch.

  “Great.” My heart is shattering, Nate. Please make it stop. “I’m glad you had fun.” How can you act so cold to me? “Say hi to Kev and Paul for me, okay? We have to go.” Say something, Nate. Please.

  His nostrils flared. “You bet. See you around.”

  “Right. Around.” Heather tugged my arm, reminding me I had a job to do. “Bye then.”

  Heather held the door for me and we rushed out, half running to the car. “You’re doing great, Carri. Almost there.”

  She unlocked my door and opened it, too, when she saw me clenching and releasing my fists while I stared into space. She guided me into the car, and as soon as I hit the seat, I curled into a ball and the tears broke past the dam.

  She dug a cassette tape out of the glove box and drove me home, “Careless Whisper” playing low in the background.

  He didn’t call the next day. I don’t know why I held on to shreds of hope that he would.

  As the morning crept into afternoon, I weighed my options. I certainly didn’t need a boyfriend. I needed a grip. A boyfriend was a distraction. My real purpose needed to be getting home. To my real home. And if that proved to be impossible, I required a better plan than I currently had. And a job.

  The story of my parents’ whereabouts began to acquire holes. I suspected that moving on might be in my future. Especially if Nate was no longer on my side. The thought hurt my insides, but I suddenly found myself unable to trust that my secrets were safe.

  God, I really needed my Avril Lavigne playlist.

  I shook my head to clear the cobwebs. Even if he kept my secrets, he obviously didn’t want to help me anymore. Tears scalded the backs of my eyeballs. I wish I understood what had changed for him. Had I imagined the past two weeks? I was so stupid. I’d assumed too much, maybe. Needed too much, certainly. Poor guy. He probably just wanted a casual hookup and I’d turned kissing into fairy tales and ever after.

  Like “ever after” could even ever happen for me. Not in 1986, anyway. Jeez, Carrington. You were better off when you were jaded and sarcastic. Sour girls are better than stupid girls.

  You had a fling. Move on. Thank God your mother was there to help you get out with what little was left of your dignity.

  I bet Joy was never that clingy.

  I understood, then, that Nate hadn’t meant to lead me on, but that I pushed him into a corner. I needed something to hold on to and I’d nearly strangled the first thing I grasped. Nate found me interesting and maybe even pretty because I was different. And he liked different. Punk girls, anarchists, and time travelers. We were his type. But that didn’t mean he wanted to find his soul mate. He was only seventeen.

  Except…

  I hadn’t dreamed the part where he drew a picture of me the night before he met me. And I didn’t imagine that he brought me coffee every morning. I didn’t make up the way he kissed me or touched me or looked at me. And it wasn’t make-believe that, in the time it took to snap fingers, everything changed.

  So this was love, eh? Letting someone else play tetherball with your heart until they got bored? Screw that. I went upstairs and poured myself into Heather’s tightest Levi’s 501 jeans.

  I still had more work to do.

  Breathe. In and out.

  Before I could chicken out, I rapped my knuckles on the door to Nate’s garage room. All the way over I’d carried on a one-sided conversation with him in my head, trying to be ready for anything. Instead, I was ready for nothing.

  Nate opened the door; his rumpled appearance started my reluctant heart like the clunky engine of a beater car. My intentions were to force him to explain himself. Instead, I wanted to launch myself at him, wrap myself around him. More than anything, I wished he would hold me, maybe call me a stupid name and make me laugh.

  Instead, he stood perfectly still in the doorway not telling me I’d jumped to the wrong conclusion or that things were fine and I’d overreacted. A Nate statue stood before me, and I watched him shutter all emotion from his face and his eyes.

  So that was how it was then. My heart squeezed.

  “Carrington,” he said, as behind him Joy came out of his bathroom.

  He closed his eyes and she posed behind him, one hand on her hip and one giving me a cheery wave hello. Just like I’d done to her.

  I deflated like a balloon. Everything in my world narrowed in on me until I was one gaping hole where my heart used to be. Now would b
e a really good time to jump time zones. But that wouldn’t happen, would it? I wasn’t that kind of lucky.

  Instead, I stumbled backward, grabbing the banister behind me. “God, Nate,” was about all I could manage. It was embarrassing how much I had misunderstood just about everything. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I knew I wasn’t the best kid in the history of the world, but did I really deserve this? Was this my lesson? My punishment?

  Pull your shit together, Carrington. You can lose it later.

  I concentrated on my feet, turning my body, and taking the stairs without adding an embarrassing fall to my already complete humiliation.

  One step at a time.

  “Carrington, wait.” Nate vaulted over the railing, reaching the ground before I did. He blocked my progress at the last step.

  Trapped on the stairs, Joy behind me at the top and Nate in front of me at the bottom. “Oh God, Nate, please at least let me escape with a little pride.”

  “I swear it isn’t what you think.”

  “I’m not stupid. Well, maybe I am…but I’m pretty sure I can add this sitch up. Just let me pass.”

  “You heard her, Nate. She wants to go. Let her.”

  I straightened my spine. Drawing on Heather’s strength from last night, I held my head up and didn’t respond the way I wanted to—which included running up the stairs and pulling Joy’s hair until she cried.

  Instead, I bit the inside of my cheek and forced myself to look Nate directly in the eye. “Why am I still here, Nate? You’re done with me, obviously.”

  “This isn’t what it looks like.”

  “This isn’t anything but over.” I pushed him but he wouldn’t budge. “What is wrong with you? Haven’t you done enough damage yet?” My cheeks flushed so hot. I wasn’t going to make it. The tethers were snapping and I was going to blubber like a baby.

  He grabbed my forearms. “Will you listen? Joy just stopped by. She’s been here all of ten minutes.”

  “Fine. Can I go now?” Because it really didn’t change much.

  “I swear there’s no one else.”

  I really didn’t want to have this conversation in front of Joy, but I was coming out of shock and realized I’d graduated to pissed off. “I get it, Nate. There’s no one else…but I think what you mean is there is no one. No one at all.” Breathe, Carrington. “I came here to force you to be a man and break things off with me to my face. But I’m sort of over it now.”

  Joy lit a cigarette behind me. I looked over my shoulder at the noise and noticed she’d sat on the top step to watch the show.

  She said, “Don’t stop on my account. He’s had this coming for a couple of years.”

  He snorted indignantly, “Go home, Joy.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Fine.” She pulled herself off the step and Nate tugged me to the side to let her pass. She stopped when we were eye to eye. “I’m not your biggest fan.”

  “Really?” She didn’t move, just stared at me, assessing me. I raised my eyebrows. “But?”

  She looked over my shoulder, catching Nate’s gaze before she returned to me and smiled. “But don’t let him get away with his shit.”

  I still hated her. Except for the part of me that liked her. I turned to Nate, sweeping my gaze over his face, trying to memorize it while my gut clenched, because I knew I had to leave and I was going to miss him. I hated the confusion I felt—the way my traitorous heart still wanted to be with him and my barbed-wire pride wanted me to knee him in the balls and run home to Mommy.

  “Will you come upstairs?” Seeing my hesitation he added, “Please. I know I’ve been a jerk. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m pretty much running on empty. Maybe another time.”

  “Please.”

  “And you intend to explain everything?” I asked.

  “Yes, everything. I swear.”

  “Am I going to like your explanation?”

  “Probably not.”

  OKAY, so I went upstairs. Don’t judge. You know you would have too.

  When he was sure I wasn’t going to bolt out the door, he grabbed a couple of Cokes from the little fridge.

  My can was different than his. “This is the classic one.”

  He shrugged. “You don’t like the new one. I bought you a couple cans.”

  I set the unopened can on the counter.

  “Now you’re mad that I bought you—”

  “No. I’m mad because you’re playing games with my head.” I crossed the room, moving seemed to help the sensation that I was going to explode. “You do all these…things…that make me think you like me. The daily coffee, the Coke…”

  “The kissing?” he added.

  “The kissing,” I agreed. Definitely the kissing. “Nate, what happened? What did I do wrong?” You know, when you trampled my heart. “Because everything was fine and then you turned singularly frosty.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck, hanging his head low. “I know. I’m sorry.”

  I brushed my hands together. “Great. That takes care of that. I’m glad everything is back to normal now.”

  He looked up hopefully. I squashed his hope with an eye roll.

  “Please. You know I’m not serious. Sorry is better than not sorry, but not as good as sorry-plus-logical-explanation.”

  He went to the window, crossing his arms over his chest and gritting his teeth. “I don’t have a logical explanation. Life has sort of flipped me around a little too much lately for logical anything.”

  “Really? Did you recently travel backwards one-fourth of a century?”

  “No.”

  “I win.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “It’s not a contest, Carrington. I know your life is weird right now, but you aren’t the only one this is affecting.”

  “I’m not picking up your broadcast, Nate.” When he didn’t say anything, my mind shifted into overdrive again. “Look, I know I’m chronologically impaired, but I’m not stupid. If you don’t want to do this anymore, whatever this is, just tell me. If I’ve misread your—”

  “That’s not it. The mixed signals yesterday…I guess it’s my way of not dealing.”

  “Dealing with what? Just tell me what changed, because you were dealing with everything just fine before that.”

  He gestured for me to sit on the love seat, which I wasn’t sure I wanted to do. Sitting meant I couldn’t storm around the room if he pissed me off again. It meant I couldn’t just run out the door if things got too heavy.

  “You’ve sort of complicated my life.”

  Oh, I definitely needed an easy out of there.

  “Not in a bad way,” he went on. “I’ve never really felt like I belonged here, if that makes sense. It’s like I got plunked down in the middle of someone else’s life. The part of Nate Berliss is now being played by Nate Berliss… I chalked it up to growing pains or just growing, I guess. I had girlfriends, kind of, I have friends, and I have more family than any one person could ever need—but I never connect. Not really.” He paced. It was a small room—pacing was a little on the pointless side if you ask me, but I didn’t interrupt. “Then one night I wake up with the urge to draw a girl. You. I connected to my life like somebody finally plugged me in. It was wild. I draw comics all the time, but I never felt it like that.

  “The next night, you show up at my door. And you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. And you’re funny and so goddamned smart. Being with you, it’s like—what was that movie with the midgets and the yellow bricks?”

  “Wizard of Oz?” I answered. Did he just call me the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen? My heart blossomed like a flower inside my rib cage.

  “Yeah. Remember how it was all black and white and then it was suddenly color? That’s how it was. When I met you.”

  His description overwhelmed me. I’d prepared myself for a lot of things, being told I put the color into Technicolor wasn’t one of them. Still, it didn’t explain what happened to make him change his mind.

  He gauge
d my reaction before starting again. “You’ve been like this force of nature in my life—a whirlwind with red hair.” He sat next to me, taking my hands. “And then you offered to take Kevin’s detention.”

  The lines of my forehead wrinkled in confusion. “For the record, you had me at ‘the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen’ but lost me at ‘you offered to take Kevin’s detention.’”

  “I knew you were smart, funny, and beautiful. I didn’t know for sure, until that moment, that you’re honorable and brave too.”

  “So naturally that meant you had to cut out my heart and chop it into a million pieces. Because you think I’m brave and honorable?” I yanked my hands back because it was too hard to be angry when he was touching me. “Nate—”

  He covered my mouth. “Let me finish, Red. I realized that you could be gone at any minute. I mean, I’ve known that all along—but it hit me you are going to leave this huge hole in my life when you go. I guess I just freaked out.” He’d softened me up enough to take my hands back into his. “And I’ll never know when it will take place. You’ll at least know what happens to you. I won’t. One day, I’ll wake up and you’ll just be gone and I won’t even know if you’re okay.” He clenched his jaw tightly and rose, needing the distance again, I guess. “And then what? I wait ten years and catch a glimpse of you at the hospital nursery?” He paced again, heaven help us both. “So I freaked out. I thought it would be better if I shut you out now than wait until…until whenever.” Back to the window he went, leaning against the sill.

  Silence consumed the room, magnifying the thoughts yet unsaid. I’d done everything wrong. I wasn’t brave or honorable. If I were, I wouldn’t have dragged the people I care about into the quicksand that was my life. Nate was the smart one. He’d thrown me a life preserver by cutting things off, and instead I discarded it so I could worry about drowning.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. He turned back to look at me. He wasn’t crying, but his eyes were rimmed in angry red. My tears, on the other hand, rolled freely down my cheeks. “I’m so self-absorbed I didn’t stop and think about what I was doing to you or even to Heather. I didn’t realize that you felt…the way you feel. The other girls told me you’d never really had girlfriends, but you’d had a lot of girls. A serial dater. I assumed you’d break my heart because you would never care about me the way I care about you. It never occurred to me that I could hurt you. I never wanted that.” I wiped my nose on my sleeve. Heather’s sleeve. Wearing borrowed clothes and living on borrowed time.